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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

422 replies

AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 10:34

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 15:06

@Megan2018 "You've married a twat unfortunately"

I mean. You've summed up my whole life really. It is indeed unfortunate. Grin

OP posts:
Olivegreenstrawberries · 16/10/2021 15:06

He should just not do swimming on say 3 nights a week and spend time with baby and give you a break.

Does he know anything about babies?

Clementineapples · 16/10/2021 15:06

He never does it because he says DS2 just wants boob at the end of the day

Good job you can express milk then isn’t it.
I would say you’re really concerned about his feelings and are soooo sorry he feels left out.
Then as soon as he walks in the door give him baby, tell him where the milk is and go and relax.

If he asks for help or baby won’t settle just tell him it’s his precious time with baby and you don’t want to interfere with that.

NoSquirrels · 16/10/2021 15:08

X-post about bedtime. Will DS2 take a bottle? If so, half-term is the perfect time to start him trying a new bedtime routine. Problem-solving this shouldn’t be your job. He’s the parent with a problem, he needs to provide a solution.

Bobsyer · 16/10/2021 15:09

”How would you like to leave in the dark and get home in the dark and not see your kids for more than 5 mins every day"

“Well, dear husband, as it would be important to me, I would ensure that I could work round my infant child. I would assume that my schedule was more flexible than my infant child’s and I would compromise on my daily swim, say, three times a week, to ensure I can spend adequate time with my infant child. What I wouldn’t be doing is browbeating my wife who does 100% of overnight childcare to make changes to my infant child’s schedule so that my life remains completely unchanged. The answer, dear husband, is in your rigid daily expectations, not mine”.

maddening · 16/10/2021 15:11

He could come straight home at 4, go for q local swim at 7 when the baby goes down?

HandScreen · 16/10/2021 15:11

@AnotherGo123

To my mind he is being totally unreasonable. I could try and get the baby to have a 3rd nap in the day but I have struggles in the past especially with DS1 (2yrs old) running around after nursery. The only way I could feasibly get another nap would be sticking both kids in the car at the end of my working day and driving them around until baby falls asleep and then he could easily get to 7.30pm and not lose his mind

But why the f should I?

Also our house wakes up between 6.30 so surely 6.30pm bed is alright as they are meant to have 12 hours

DS2 is nearly 7 months, not tiny baby who sleeps whenever and wherever.

The most irritating thing is often DS2 starts crying with H comes home and starts cuddling him and throwing him in the air and H gets all precious and like "DS2 doesn't even like me" and I says its because he's tired and I'm "picking a fight/not letting it go/have a day off"

Also we moved to the countryside because we couldn't afford to buy a house in London. He said he would learn. He failed his first test and has given up. I keep getting the urge to book him more lessons but I have to stop doing things for him

This sounds martyr-y. Of course your baby will have a third nap. Nearly all 6 month olds do. No need to drive them around, naps aren't onerous.
Goldbar · 16/10/2021 15:12

OK, so you're the career-focused one?

What does your DH do then? Presumably, if you're focusing on your career, he's doing most of the childcare/housework to facilitate this? So that you are splitting earning and household responsibilities evenly?

Or is he literally like a grown-up child, sulking and not pulling his weight and hanging off your neck?

Ragruggers · 16/10/2021 15:14

I imagine you drive him to work,do you then collect hm after his swim.Could he cycle to work?or a moped?He needs to grow up whether this will happen or who knows but you are married to a selfish child who probably has been influenced by his mother and her ideas.He is a poor me person this is hard to break.Tell him this has to change half term is soon give him the baby all day see how he copes.I can’t see a happy ending sorry.

NoSquirrels · 16/10/2021 15:18

Anyone advising you can change the baby’s bedtime later - yes, you can, but when you’re on the second child you also need to factor in bedtime for the first child and things get fraught. There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping a routine that works, knowing that a 6 month old baby won’t be 6 months for ever and things change anyway. At 6/7 months with my DC2 I wasn’t back at work yet - I think OP is coping admirably and it’s not her problem so if he wants things different he takes the lead in changing them.

VorpalSword · 16/10/2021 15:18

This sounds martyr-y. Of course your baby will have a third nap. Nearly all 6 month olds do. No need to drive them around, naps aren't onerous.

For mine it was very onerous! He just was very hard to get to sleep during the day , especially with a fun toddler around. Bedtime had to be routine focused and started at 6:30 so finished by 7. Not all children/babies are easy sleepers or can be flexible.

OP as you are both working why are you doing all the night waking etc? How much does he contribute at the weekends/half terms?

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 15:20

@HandScreen There's an entire sleep consultant industry that is thriving due to babies struggling to nap properly and/or waking overnight. But sure naps aren't onerous. I should just tell DS2 to head up to his room at 4pm and catch another 30 mins so he can on better form for his father later

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 16/10/2021 15:21

My eyes always do a massive roll when I read “he doesn’t drive” or “I don’t drive” in these threads. Unless he physically can’t, there’s absolutely no excuse not to learn. It’s just lazy stupidity.

wewereliars · 16/10/2021 15:22

Poor baby, this is actually cruel! Your husband is a selfish arse

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 15:27

I do night wakes because although I work full time I wfh and my job is flexible. H is a teacher so has to be at work for 8 and its a 1.5 hr commute

Having said that I did point out he didn't do any night wakes during his 6 week summer holiday. He grunted something about " trying to do better" in response

OP posts:
Couchbettato · 16/10/2021 15:27

God it must be lovely to be the centre of the universe.

What a selfish entitled man he is.

Don't keep the baby awake for him. He needs to work around the baby.

hotmeatymilk · 16/10/2021 15:30

This sounds martyr-y. Of course your baby will have a third nap. Nearly all 6 month olds do. No need to drive them around, naps aren't onerous.
Translation: “My baby slept therefore yours should too. If it doesn’t it must be broken. I don’t understand human behaviour.”

Rainbowqueeen · 16/10/2021 15:31

Op I think in your shoes I’d be getting my ducks in a row.
My DD went through a phase at a similar age of needing to be in bed by 6. She just could not stay awake any longer and it would have been cruel to force her. DH absolutely understood that and while he did not love barely seeing her at night he never complained.

It really bothers me that everything seems to revolve around your DHs mental health. Yes exercise for the sake of mental health is important but it needs to fit around family life.

You are doing an incredible job and it’s a real shame that it’s not a team effort and that he leaves you so unsupported. I don’t think that is how marriage should be

Dishwashersaurous · 16/10/2021 15:31

What exactly does he bring to the relationship.

6.30 is totally reasonable.

He is being rubbish. Utterly rubbish

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 15:33

**This sounds martyr-y. Of course your baby will have a third nap. Nearly all 6 month olds do. No need to drive them around, naps aren't onerous

@HandScreen - DH, is that you? Wink

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 16/10/2021 15:37

To be honest, you do sound like a bit of a martyr - I can't believe you do basically everything and even then consider changing the one thing that doesn't revolve around him.

BoredZelda · 16/10/2021 15:40

How would you like to leave in the dark and get home in the dark and not see your kids for more than 5 mins every day

To which you presumably responded that you wouldn’t, so you’d get work closer to home, learn to drive, and not go swimming so you don’t get home til late.

HandScreen · 16/10/2021 15:43

I don't understand why you think you get to make this decision about the baby's bed time. If I got home at 6.15, and my husband "snatched" the baby out of my arms at 6.30 because he felt he could dictate when the baby's bedtime was, there would be serious trouble. Your husband gets to decide the bedtime is at 7 as much as you get to decide it's at 6.30. You don't get trumps on these decisions because you have a vagina.

HandScreen · 16/10/2021 15:44

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MyPatronusIsACat · 16/10/2021 15:47

@AnotherGo123 Agree with the masses. He is a twat. He COULD come back earlier but goes swimming first. Confused AND he could get a job somewhere closer to home too, and doesn't.

What a manipulative whiny controlling twat. He wants the world to revolve around him.