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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

422 replies

AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 10:34

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

OP posts:
Moonbabysmum · 16/10/2021 14:32

At such a young age, surely sleep could be reset sightly later - they can't read the time, and as long as everything else is moved as well, it's like the clocks changing, it moving time zones.

It was the same sort of age that we moved bed from 7.30-8.30 precisely so we could spend more time together after work. It also meant she slept in longer.

More childcare, and nearing school age, we pulled it back, and had a more regular bedtime.

I think he's being s selfish idiot with the swimming, and you guys clearly need to either move or him learn to drive, but 6.30 is also a very, very early bedtime, and doesn't give a lot of room for doing anything with them after work. With a later bedtime we could do a park trip sometimes, go to the fireworks, go out for dinner etc. It made it feel like the evening could have meaningful activities rather than just the dinner, bedtime rush.

DifferentHair · 16/10/2021 14:32

I wouldn't let him be a SAHD. If he's that lazy you'll end up doing most of the housework and childcare anyway, in addition to being the sole breadwinner. And then if you split up you'll have a battle on your hands in terms of custody and maintenance.

He needs to solve his own problems. This whole coming and going 'in the dark' stuff sounds very dramatic. One could almost forget that he has chosen to do so!

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 14:35

I actually posted on here months ago asking for divorce advice. I said he was planning on taking parental leave and a few ppl said I could lose custody and pay him maintance and I would rather put up with him that do that. For me and for the kids.

He hates his work. He always says I'm the career one. That's why I went back to work after 6 months to take the stress of him as he hates the 'pressure' of being the sole income

OP posts:
CallmeHendricks · 16/10/2021 14:38

I was just going to ask if you've posted about him before. Sounds familiar...
But then, there are an awful lot of loser DHs on MN.

Megan2018 · 16/10/2021 14:40

You’ve married a twat unfortunately.
I’d have no respect for such a selfish prick.
I’d divorce him and let him see his baby as much and as late as he likes on his days.
He doesn’t appear to contribute to his family.
Non drivers as a result of laziness (not those that can’t drive for genuine reasons) are pretty and useless people in my experience.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 14:40

For people saying to move bedtime later....I can try. I do want to work on our relationship as I don't think I've accepted the risk and disruption that comes with splitting

But I'm up at 6am, doing 2 or 3 night wakes, breastfeeding still, working from home, looking after DS1 during evenings, doing all life admin...the baby wants to go to bed to 6.30pm and I am more than happy to olbige. I'd quite like an hour or two to myself before my 9.30pm bedtime. Is that so awful?

OP posts:
Clementineapples · 16/10/2021 14:41

He chooses to work further away.
Chooses to swim rather than come home.
Chooses not to drive.

None of that is your problem and I’d tell him so. He wants to be a dad he needs to step up.

Darceyhemingway · 16/10/2021 14:41

He needs to come home straight from work and go for a swim later in the evening

ImFree2doasiwant · 16/10/2021 14:44

He doesn't have to swim every day. He could do every other. Instead of swimming he could take driving lessons and spend the time applying fir closer jobs.

In all liklihood in6 months time bedtime will be 7pm.

Clementineapples · 16/10/2021 14:45

He needs to stop blaming his mental health. He needs to grow up, apply for a closer job. Learn to drive and do bedtime routine while you relax since it’s so important to him.

Moonbabysmum · 16/10/2021 14:45

No, not awful at all. Whilst we moved bedtime later so we (mostly my husband) could see baby more, we also alternated the nights, so he saw her plenty 3-4 nights a week anyway. If he's as lazy as it sounds, then i wouldn't be changing anything that didn't suit me.

You sound like you are carrying everything at the moment, and it's too much

TheWeeDonkey · 16/10/2021 14:46

@AnotherGo123

For people saying to move bedtime later....I can try. I do want to work on our relationship as I don't think I've accepted the risk and disruption that comes with splitting

But I'm up at 6am, doing 2 or 3 night wakes, breastfeeding still, working from home, looking after DS1 during evenings, doing all life admin...the baby wants to go to bed to 6.30pm and I am more than happy to olbige. I'd quite like an hour or two to myself before my 9.30pm bedtime. Is that so awful?

What does he do?
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/10/2021 14:46

Seeing your updates, don't put bedtime later. He has everything exactly as he wants it, you have one tiny aspect of one thing to suit you, you shouldn't need to change it

picklemewalnuts · 16/10/2021 14:47

That sounds very tough, OP.

Don't whatever you do let him reduce hours, income or not. He's not pulling his weight as parent, and is positioning himself as main carer.

As you both work full time, ask him if he wants to do bedtimes or mornings? If he gets up and takes over from 6am, or from 6pm, he'll have a better idea of what's involved.

ancientgran · 16/10/2021 14:52

I had to go back to work when DD was 8 months, DH had an accident and it was obvious he wasn't going to work again so I had no choice. We arranged things so that baby got up at 11 am, I did a 7 am feed, settled her and went to work, and she went to bed at 11 pm, I was home between 5 and 6 so had 5 hours minimum with her which made it much easier for me as I wanted to see her. It also reduced childcare as DH was there for her and p/t nanny came at 11 and left at 5, she also had her child with her for the last couple of hours after school.

Suited us all but obviously wouldn't work for everyone. I couldn't have coped without having that time with her.

Lovelymincepies · 16/10/2021 14:54

Oh god he sounds like a selfish, whiny child. Send him back to his mother, you’d be far happier without this man child.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/10/2021 14:59

God this man is so selfish!

He wants your baby to be tired and upset so that he can fulfil his own wants. His baby’s needs are less important to him than his own wants - he wants to swim and wants to play with the baby after this, he doesn’t need to.

He’s not even a first time day. Which surprised me. He clearly hasn’t got used to not being no 1 any more.

Also, why should you put back the time when you can relax for him?

TravelLost · 16/10/2021 14:59

So school holidays are comoing aren't they?

I\d tell him that you are giving him all the responsibility of looking after babay for the whole 10 days (bar the b'fing). Theh he gets up for the night, he looks after baby, deals with the naps, the tidying up and yes, putting the child to bed later. And then review with him how he feels about it.

Because the issue isn't just about putting baby later to bed and having to deal with the crying (which I imagine you are dealing with atm?). It's also the fact that a tired child is unsettled the day after too. So more crying etc.. the next day. (And mines also resisted even more to go to bed...)

Fwiw, I am amazed that you are doing all the parenting, looking after a baby AND wfh. I have no idea how you do it. And I cetainly would have no time for someone who wants to make my life even more difficult tbh.

Classicblunder · 16/10/2021 15:00

With every update, it gets worse and worse. Would you miss him at all?! Just put him in the bin

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 16/10/2021 15:01

@ancientgran You see then I read posts like yours and I think maybe I am being unreasonable. Maybe I should come up with a new routine that gives DS2 proper time with his dad.

Some days I think he should just fuck off and I can't stand him

And other days I think I need to work harder to keep the family together and the kids not having to split their time etc etc.

For everyone suggesting he should just do bedtime I will suggest that. He never does it because he says DS2 just wants boob at the end of the day but I'll tell him I want him to try.

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 16/10/2021 15:03

He’s being unreasonable. He needs to adjust to what’s best for the baby, the baby doesn’t need to adjust for him at 7 months old!
But reading your updates, he seems like a lazy whiner.

TravelLost · 16/10/2021 15:03

"How would you like to leave in the dark and get home in the dark and not see your kids for more than 5 mins every day"

Well my answer to that wouod be:

No I wouldn't whihc is why I would be taking driving lessons and looking at changing my job so I can actually see my kid.
I would take responsibility for the fact I can't see him instead of expecting people to bend around me all the time.

Fwiw, if you were woh you wouold probably not much more time with dc either... That's one of the struggles with having a young baby and working long hours.

cantkeepawayforever · 16/10/2021 15:04

'I know it must be frustrating for you that DS2 is whisked off for bedtime soon after you get in. If you take him for bathtime and bedtime, I'll just pop up and give him the final feed at the end, while you read a final story with with DC1'

NoSquirrels · 16/10/2021 15:04

He wants the moon on a stick, then?

He can choose to come home earlier.

He can choose to get up earlier and be the one with the children in the morning.

He can choose to learn to drive, or to get a job closer to home.

He can choose whether his marriage survives or not.

Do you breastfeed to sleep, so baby bedtime is all on you?

Classicblunder · 16/10/2021 15:05

@ancientgran You see then I read posts like yours and I think maybe I am being unreasonable. Maybe I should come up with a new routine that gives DS2 proper time with his dad.

Just no. It's not your job to fix everything. He doesn't like the routine, he can come up with a new one and implement it