To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

[AnotherGo123]

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

“Well, dear husband, as it would be important to me, I would ensure that I could work round my infant child. I would assume that my schedule was more flexible than my infant child’s and I would compromise on my daily swim, say, three times a week, to ensure I can spend adequate time with my infant child. What I wouldn’t be doing is browbeating my wife who does 100% of overnight childcare to make changes to my infant child’s schedule so that my life remains completely unchanged. The answer, dear husband, is in your rigid daily expectations, not mine”.

Yes, all of this!
He expects to do exactly as he wants and for everyone, including a 6 month old baby, to flex to suit him. Selfish twat.

What does he actually do in terms of childcare and domestic work? Sounds like you’re carrying everything, including being the main earner, whilst he has a nice life with limited responsibility and time to indulge his hobbies. I also hate the fact that he uses his ‘mental health’ to justify his self centred behaviour. Does he give a fuck about your mental health or is it only him that’s important?

@Classicblunder He goes to work. He cooks dinner. Those are his two things. And his work is tough...teaching in an inner city school. I do everything else. If I try to push back anything on him he refers to his tough job, tough commute and his dinner making duties. I wish I didn't sound like a martyr tho. But I don't think what I'm describing is unbelievable or even unusual. Plenty of men who think going to work is enough of a contribution. Some who don't even do that

[quote AnotherGo123]@ancientgran You see then I read posts like yours and I think maybe I am being unreasonable. Maybe I should come up with a new routine that gives DS2 proper time with his dad.

Some days I think he should just fuck off and I can't stand him

And other days I think I need to work harder to keep the family together and the kids not having to split their time etc etc.

For everyone suggesting he should just do bedtime I will suggest that. He never does it because he says DS2 just wants boob at the end of the day but I'll tell him I want him to try.[/quote]
I don't think it is about being unreasonable. Our arrangement suited everyone involved, me, DH, Baby and nanny. I forgot to say nanny finished early 2 days a week as our older ones, teenagers helped when they got home but had activities other days.

I do understand it is hard for a parent if they basically don't see the baby all week as I couldn't have coped with that but it is about finding out the best for everyone but I also understand a parent at home wanting a big of non baby time in the evening. It isn't easy it is.

I’ve never ever kept any of my children up to fit in with dhs work schedule.

If he wants to see them on work days before bed he needs to change hours to do so. Children need sleep not to be kept awake as a toy for an adult.

His a teacher so that time in the evening he misses if more than made up by time off in the holidays anyway.

I wouldn’t be trying to fight an extra nap in either, you’ve not got much longer left of naps at all possibly.

[quote AnotherGo123]@Classicblunder He goes to work. He cooks dinner. Those are his two things. And his work is tough...teaching in an inner city school. I do everything else. If I try to push back anything on him he refers to his tough job, tough commute and his dinner making duties. I wish I didn't sound like a martyr tho. But I don't think what I'm describing is unbelievable or even unusual. Plenty of men who think going to work is enough of a contribution. Some who don't even do that[/quote]
You're probably right, it probably isn't that unusual but that doesn't make it ok. You would be so much better off without him.

It sounds like your husband wants to come home to a cute smiling baby that he gets to play with. I'm betting if he did then he would get baby and toddler wound up and excited so they weren't tired. You then get the hard work of actually putting them to bed. Does your DH ever look after them alone? Is he a proper parent or does he just want to do the fun bits?

@Lovelymincepies

Oh god he sounds like a selfish, whiny child. Send him back to his mother, you’d be far happier without this man child.

Absolutely.

It might be hard to be alone, but it'll certainly be easier than putting up with this selfish prick.

You keep saying my baby, it’s our baby!

He should come home and go swimming later on

Handscreen if the husband is not going to be the one to try and get the overtired baby to sleep and spend the night with a baby that does not sleep well as they have gone overtired (and some babies are nightmare sleepers). From the sound of it the testicle bearer here wants to go swimming more than spend time with his dc and not do any night waking. He also insisted that the op went back at 6 months rather than stay on mat leave a little longer, the op and her vagina would be less tired if she was not back at work already.

Your DH needs to come home, see the baby earlier, then go for a swim if he still has time. It is completely unreasonable to change what you are doing when he is swanning around enjoying his free time before he gets to you.

@maddening

Handscreen if the husband is not going to be the one to try and get the overtired baby to sleep and spend the night with a baby that does not sleep well as they have gone overtired (and some babies are nightmare sleepers). From the sound of it the testicle bearer here wants to go swimming more than spend time with his dc and not do any night waking. He also insisted that the op went back at 6 months rather than stay on mat leave a little longer, the op and her vagina would be less tired if she was not back at work already.

But it sounds like the martyrish OP insists on doing bedtime, and there is a very simple solution the the night waking problem - splitting the load 50/50. I mean, the OP can take some decisions here and be a grown up.

I can't believe the number of people on here suggesting an adult changes their actual job because one parent thinks they get to rigidly decide on a - very early - bedtime for their joint baby. That is absolute madness.

@Tilltheend99

Your DH needs to come home, see the baby earlier, then go for a swim if he still has time. It is completely unreasonable to change what you are doing when he is swanning around enjoying his free time before he gets to you.

I would recommend that people get in some physical activity - it's both physically and mentally healthy. The OP could do the same, but will list off reasons why she couldn't possibly instead of just living a healthy and happy life.

You know that most of us like our partners and encourage them to engage in healthy behaviours, right? There is absolutely no reason for a 6.30 instead of 7 pm bedtime, other than spite.

People are suggesting he changes his job because it has an unfeasibly long commute and he hates it. Nobody is suggesting he gives up his much loved career for a baby's bedtime, but that he takes some action to improve his situation rather than creating yet another problem for the op to solve.

DH says I'm living the dream

You have a big DH problem I'm so sorry 😔

He's obviously not doing his job properly if he leaves at 4 and does no further work unless he's going in really early?

He sounds like an utter male r*rd

Ignore @HandScreen @AnotherGo123 😂😂😂

@HandScreen I don't insist on anything. I have asked him to do bedtimes and night wakes and he responds by saying that DS2 doesn't settle for him and also he is too tired after his commute

If I'm a martyr for just explaining my reality then so be it

Also he hates his job. Hates it. But he says his MH is too poor and he's too tired to look for jobs. I actually was applying for jobs for him for a couple of months to help him as he said I was better at that kind of stuff. But I've stopped because its a bloody ridiculous situation

I’m amazed at all the people who are able to control the times their 6 month old sleeps at! OP, I do the exact same as you and put mine to sleep when they are tired - you’re not being too rigid. DH is being a baby and MIL can butt out!

You know that most of us like our partners and encourage them to engage in healthy behaviours, right? There is absolutely no reason for a 6.30 instead of 7 pm bedtime, other than spite.

You know that most of us like our children and encourage them to engage in healthy behaviours right? There's is absolutely no reason for a later bedtime that doesn't suit the OP or her children just because her husband won't consider any of the alternatives to his problem.

Handscreen are you the OPs lazy arse husband?

Of course everyone should be run ragged and have a nervous breakdown so that entitled twat husband can get the fun bits of parenting and dodge the boring exhausting drudge..

I would have loved it if our babies had gone down that early, I really struggled on nights when DH was away, when the baby was over tired and wouldn’t go down and the older one really needed to go to bed (and you’re trying to do a nice bedtime which centres them rather than being an afterthought). And have an hour child free downstairs before crashing out yourself.

Another solution would be - he swims 3 nights a week, does older child bedtime on those nights, comes home earlier 2 nights and he is on baby bedtime for those ones, then do one or both kids on the weekend.

My husband used to not see the kids in the week due to his commute. Yes it was shit but he got weekends. He didn't demand I keep the kids up for him.

Another job he had was less commute but he had to come home to see them before going to the gym.

Now he works from home, is here 24/7...be careful what you wish for.

No....you shouldn't change the kids routine for him. He should flex for them. I mean it's not like he doesn't have every school holiday to be with them full time. Which kinda makes up for a few evenings missed.

If it’s genuinely for his mental health but he can’t drive then he needs to give up swimming and start jogging in the countryside after seeing the baby.

I’m getting a lot of red flags from all this. If he needs to be so rigid then I would be wondering if he really is swimming every night?!

He can cut out the guilt trip too. Either he thinks you should look after the baby all day or that you should work all day. It’s patently obvious that you can’t do both.

The baby decides it’s own bedtime. He doesn’t need to be off on a jolly every evening then try to dictate what others do.

He's awful. When my dc was born I had to go back to work when they were 6 months old. My heart broke but I had to accept that I would see them maybe 5 minutes if I was lucky and they were still awake in the evenings as I got home late.

I also didn't have the opportunity to easily work less hours or closer. I spent a long time though applying for new jobs though !
Baby comes first. Every good parent knows this. Note, good parent.