To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

[AnotherGo123]

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

6.15 is crazy early for bed. Another nap is needed in the day, then bedtime at 7.

Tell him he can have the kids 24/7 over the weekend to make up for lost time. Also tell him his mother can fuck right off.

I think the vitriol here by other posters about your husband is actually really not helpful. Work together with your husband, as a team. I personally think you are being unreasonable here and should take on board what your husband is saying.

Other posters screaming "WHY SHOULD SHE CHANGE, HE SHOULD CHANGE, MEN ARE SCUM" need to give it a rest. Why on earth shouldn't you change/accommodate in this scenario? There's nothing stopping you.

@HandScreen

I think the vitriol here by other posters about your husband is actually really not helpful. Work together with your husband, as a team. I personally think you are being unreasonable here and should take on board what your husband is saying.

Other posters screaming "WHY SHOULD SHE CHANGE, HE SHOULD CHANGE, MEN ARE SCUM" need to give it a rest. Why on earth shouldn't you change/accommodate in this scenario? There's nothing stopping you.

Why should the tiny baby have to accommodate their father’s inflexibility?

@HandScreen You've got to be joking. This isn't a men vs women situation. It's baby's needs vs a parent who is failing to utilise ANY of the really reasonable options to solve his own problem in order to accommodate the baby's need for sleep.

Why on earth shouldn't you change/accommodate in this scenario? There's nothing stopping you.

But there's nothing stopping her husband from changing either! And it makes way more sense for him to change as he is the one who isn't happy with the status quo.

Your husband is a selfish twat putting his needs before his child's. If he really wanted to see his son, he'd skip his swim

@Cocomarine

I don’t think you can say he’s lazy not finding a job closer - one teaching position is not exactly the same as another.

I don’t really understand why your AIBU is about not keeping baby up, instead of “AIBU to tell him to stop taking the piss with his swim”.

Agree with this. Schools vary enormously, they’re not interchangeable and it’s not just a case of applying- he may not get a job. That’s a separate issue though - he needs to get home earlier if he wants to see the baby.

YANBU. I can’t stand adults who think that babies should be put out for them. Then when the child gets older and gets grumpy because they haven’t been parented fairly, it’s the child’s fault

There are so many other ways he could cut his cloth. But he won’t. Instead you have to do all the thinking for him, offer him options (all of which he turns down), while he makes no changes at all and jusr listens to his mother who facilitates his ‘child in a man’s body’ attitude.

Dear god.

What a pain in the arse he must be.

If he cared that much, he would DO something different - himself - to get what he wants.

Clearly he doesn’t actually care that much. He just wants to make you the guilty party for his (probably non-existent) MH issues while you carry one bearing the majority of the load.

To my mind he is being totally unreasonable. I could try and get the baby to have a 3rd nap in the day but I have struggles in the past especially with DS1 (2yrs old) running around after nursery. The only way I could feasibly get another nap would be sticking both kids in the car at the end of my working day and driving them around until baby falls asleep and then he could easily get to 7.30pm and not lose his mind

But why the f should I?

Also our house wakes up between 6.30 so surely 6.30pm bed is alright as they are meant to have 12 hours

DS2 is nearly 7 months, not tiny baby who sleeps whenever and wherever.

The most irritating thing is often DS2 starts crying with H comes home and starts cuddling him and throwing him in the air and H gets all precious and like "DS2 doesn't even like me" and I says its because he's tired and I'm "picking a fight/not letting it go/have a day off"

Also we moved to the countryside because we couldn't afford to buy a house in London. He said he would learn. He failed his first test and has given up. I keep getting the urge to book him more lessons but I have to stop doing things for him

The reason why I posted is because H has done a pretty good job of persuading me how unfair I'm being. He says

"How would you like to leave in the dark and get home in the dark and not see your kids for more than 5 mins every day"

But I've said to him he can do whatever he wants with work, take a pay cut to move to work closer to home or even quit entirely and be SAHD and we could stop paying crazy childcare costs. But he never changes anything. I am the higher earner and could just about manage.

He’s rigid and he makes you unhappy. He won’t change anytime soon

Why don't you tell him to take over bedtime?

"How would you like to leave in the dark and get home in the dark and not see your kids for more than 5 mins every day"

Ridiculous and gaslighting - had he’s completely forgotten that he’s choosing to go for a swim at 4pm, which is the only cause of him getting in at 6.15. Other forms if exercise are available.
He is the cause of this, and it’s completely avoidable!

@AnotherGo123

The reason why I posted is because H has done a pretty good job of persuading me how unfair I'm being. He says

"How would you like to leave in the dark and get home in the dark and not see your kids for more than 5 mins every day"

But I've said to him he can do whatever he wants with work, take a pay cut to move to work closer to home or even quit entirely and be SAHD and we could stop paying crazy childcare costs. But he never changes anything. I am the higher earner and could just about manage.

Have you tried agreeing enthusiastically but in a way that leaves it his problem?

"Gosh, that would be horrible, I would hate that. You're right, you don't get enough time with the baby, I probably get in the way, I will leave you to do bedtime your way and get in a swim when you get home"

Is this a joke?

He moans yet doesn't come straight home from work.

All for exercise and hobbies but can't he come straight home see the baby and once baby is in bed go for a swim

@Strangevipers

Is this a joke?

He moans yet doesn't come straight home from work.

All for exercise and hobbies but can't he come straight home see the baby and once baby is in bed go for a swim

Also does he swim every night ?

Also just wondering what days of the week do you get to go for a swim or do your hobby ?

Well, as I don't know of any teachers who leave the premises at 4pm, I can see why he might not want to leave such a school!
And to go swimming? Every day?
Blimey.
So, with half term coming up, how much "quality time" will he actually spend with his children? I'm guessing not much.

You need to start referring to the baby as our baby not your baby...
.... He needs to understand his responsibility and step up so he is at least home some days early enough.

@Muchtoomuchtodo

Why can’t he come home earlier to see his dc and go for a swim later?

Exactly He had his priorities all wrong you need to sort this out

I refer to "my baby" but I also actually say "his baby" at one point. It's not that deep.

I absolutely know he is our baby. I wrote it in a rush.

Reading your post has given me the absolute rage. There are so many solutions to his self inflicted problem and the only one that he is interested in, is the one that involved making his baby tired and cranky. What an absolute selfish twat.

I'd suggest maybe after the clocks go back you should shift your babys clock back half an hour so he does everything half an hour later but this only works if you do meals etc half an hour later as well.

I'd also suggest seriously considering if you want to continue to be married to someone who doesnt sound like he pulls his weight, blames everyone else for issues he creates, is too lazy to learn to drive even though you live rurally, and acts in a selfish entitled way even towards his own baby. It sounds like he is playing the mental health card to have everyone tiptoe around him facilitating him doing whatever he wants. I'm not saying he isnt genuine but he can be depressed as well as being a selfish lazy arse and you have to put yourself and your children first because he wont.

Don't let him become a SAHP as it doesnt sound like he has your childrens best interests at heart and this might make it impossible for you to split in the future without losing custody of the children and paying him maintenance. Keep your options open

When he starts to moan ask him what he’s going to change so that he gets more time with his dcs. Put the ball in his court let him find the solution, because he’s rejected your suggestions.

Ridiculous why can't he swim in the morning? Alternatively he does bedtimes with exhausted baby.