To not keep my baby awake for my DHs benefit?

[AnotherGo123]

My DH has a v long commute which he hates. He is entirely lazy at looking for work closer to home. He's a teacher so absolutely could be working 15 mins away if he applied.

My baby is 6 months old. He doesn't nap that well during the day and by 6.30pm he is beside himself tired. My DH gets home at 6.15 (he actually manages to go for a quick swim after work. He leaves work at 4pm)

He says I'm inconsiderate because I "whip the baby away" the minute he gets home. I wfh so see baby a lot more and he says its so tough not seeing baby at all and it makes him depressed to be commuting all this time and only get 5 mins with baby

But baby cries and cries at bedtime at 7pm because he's too tired. He thinks I'm being totally inflexible and says what difference it makes. Anyone with a small baby will know it can make all the difference

I get he wants to see his baby but when I put baby ti bed and he's crying his eyes out I know that actually those tears are avoidable if I just started bedtime earlier and it makes me feel terrible.

AIBU

[quote AnotherGo123]@HandScreen I don't insist on anything. I have asked him to do bedtimes and night wakes and he responds by saying that DS2 doesn't settle for him and also he is too tired after his commute

If I'm a martyr for just explaining my reality then so be it

Also he hates his job. Hates it. But he says his MH is too poor and he's too tired to look for jobs. I actually was applying for jobs for him for a couple of months to help him as he said I was better at that kind of stuff. But I've stopped because its a bloody ridiculous situation[/quote]
So his MH is poor and he sounds depressed, and you call him "lazy" for not changing jobs? Lovely.

Also, for ppl who think I'm insisting on 6.30pm bedtime and not giving him any say....I'm not insisting on anything. I'm just observing a baby rubbing his eyes, grumbling, and then crying. If he's happy at half six of course I leave him to play with DH. But at the moment he's not managing to stay awake and happy much later than 6.30pm. I am not deciding for us. DS2 is telling us. My DH is very proud of being a "family man" and says he needs to see his baby at end of every day or going to work etc feels like its all for nothing. That's the battle. DH needs vs baby needs. I couldn't care less what time DS2 goes to sleep. I just don't want a grumpy unhappy baby because its not fair

Doesn't drive, does nothing except cook dinner.

Whines incessantly.

What is the point of him?

You need to look after yourself because you are juggling a lot.

His MH is dominating your family.

Exactly what is he doing to improve it besides his lovely swim and whining.

So many men on MN with young familys and MH issues conveniently living the bulk of the parenting, house work AND childcare to their wives.
🙄

@DysmalRadius

You know that most of us like our partners and encourage them to engage in healthy behaviours, right? There is absolutely no reason for a 6.30 instead of 7 pm bedtime, other than spite.

You know that most of us like our children and encourage them to engage in healthy behaviours right? There's is absolutely no reason for a later bedtime that doesn't suit the OP or her children just because her husband won't consider any of the alternatives to his problem.

They're his children too...

@wewereliars

Handscreen are you the OPs lazy arse husband?

Of course everyone should be run ragged and have a nervous breakdown so that entitled twat husband can get the fun bits of parenting and dodge the boring exhausting drudge..

Nope. Literally just putting a child to bed at 7, rather than 6.30. No running ragged involved.

@HandScreen Go find a Father's for Justice Facebook group or something. You'll find some kindred spirits there

Handscreen

Every baby is different. If I forced mine to stay up for ‘bonding time’ it would consist of a crying miserable baby. Each to their own but wouldn’t be making my child upset to achieve my own schedule and it’s fine if op doesn’t want to see baby upset either

I'm a mum...I just think you're wrong. And awful to your husband who has expressed to you that he is having MH problems, which you respond to with name calling. I can't fathom being treated like that by my husband if I told him I was struggling with depression.

@Frlrlrubert

Is it possible he's reluctant to look for a job closer because he's got a really good thing where he is? Unless he's doing hours in the evening leaving at 4pm everyday would be living the dream for most teachers.

Anyway, he should come straight home, see his child, and swim another time. Simples.

I was going to say the same. I don't know of teachers who can leave at that time every day

Honestly, he is crazy.
Who on earth is doing 1.5hours commute each day? And then complains he is tired but STILL refuses to look for something else?

I’m going to say he actually quite enjoys the commute as it means time for himself. And then plays the tired/commute card to get out of his responsibility.

They're his children too....

Well here's a novel idea. Maybe he could step up and start being a father! You know, involving himself in his childrens lives. Putting them first once in a while, do bedtimes. Take up some slack from his partner so that she can have more free time to enjoy their time together.

I know this is a step too far for many but it works surprisingly well in many families.

He refuses to change his schedule yet your the one whose inflexible.
He refuses to change jobs yet blames everything on hating his commute and job.
He refuses to put the baby down to sleep yet expects you to keep the baby awake and make him overtired.
He says you have the best deal but won’t change anything.
He sounds bloody infuriating. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t stop it being a cockwomble.

OP, your current life sounds very hard work due to your husband. Is this what you want your life to look like, day in and day out for the foreseeable future?

@HandScreen

I'm a mum...I just think you're wrong. And awful to your husband who has expressed to you that he is having MH problems, which you respond to with name calling. I can't fathom being treated like that by my husband if I told him I was struggling with depression.

If you have MH issues thé you also have the responsibility to actually take steps to get better. It’s nit good enough to say ‘I have MH issues because my job is too hard/difficult school/long commute’ whilst at the same time REFUSING to actually look for another job.

If you have MH issues, it also doesn’t give you an out of jail card from your parenting duties (see the fact he never hit up during the night during the whole of the summer hols) etc etc…

This guy is taking the piss and using MH as an excuse. This is nit ok. (And doesn’t help any of the people who struggle with MH whilst still trying to do their best - for example all the mums with PND who are still getting on with being a parent)

My DH is very proud of being a "family man" and says he needs to see his baby at end of every day or going to work etc feels like its all for nothing.

Being a family man doesn’t mean doing everything he wants at his family’s expense.

Happily it will be half term soon and then he can spend 24/7 with his children. Will he?

I don't understand why you think you get to make this decision about the baby's bed time. If I got home at 6.15, and my husband "snatched" the baby out of my arms at 6.30 because he felt he could dictate when the baby's bedtime was, there would be serious trouble. Your husband gets to decide the bedtime is at 7 as much as you get to decide it's at 6.30. You don't get trumps on these decisions because you have a vagina.

It's quite simple really. The person doing bedtime gets to decide when it is.

OP - hand him both DC, walk out of the house and then he can spend 'bonding' time trying to get the pair of them to sleep.

You break it, you fix it.

He goes to work. He cooks dinner. Those are his two things

Laziness.

I have asked him to do bedtimes and night wakes and he responds by saying that DS2 doesn't settle for him and also he is too tired after his commute

Strategic incompetence.

Are you really worried that he's going to want primary care or even 50/50 if you split?

@AnotherGo123

Also, for ppl who think I'm insisting on 6.30pm bedtime and not giving him any say....I'm not insisting on anything. I'm just observing a baby rubbing his eyes, grumbling, and then crying. If he's happy at half six of course I leave him to play with DH. But at the moment he's not managing to stay awake and happy much later than 6.30pm. I am not deciding for us. DS2 is telling us. My DH is very proud of being a "family man" and says he needs to see his baby at end of every day or going to work etc feels like its all for nothing. That's the battle. DH needs vs baby needs. I couldn't care less what time DS2 goes to sleep. I just don't want a grumpy unhappy baby because its not fair

Baby’s needs come before DH’s needs. He’s the grownup, (allegedly). On a practical note, could DH give baby a bath when he gets home, I used to find it gave them a bit more time. Otherwise DH will just have to compromise. He must surely observe the baby’s routine at the weekend and in the holidays.

Actually @HandScreen, what’s the point if putting the child in bed at 7.00pm?

What will happen is a child that is tired, crying for half an hour. Will the DH enjoy that special time with his baby? I doubt it.
Then child can’t get settled easily by dad so…. Here comes the OP because she has some special power and you know isn’t as tired (never mind she works full time AND looks after a baby at the same time).
Then the OP puts baby to bed (because b’fing etc…) which is likely to take more tired due to over exhausted child.

Oh and that’s hoping that baby isn’t going to be more unsettled the next day too….

So I’m wondering, what is the DH going to gain there? Half hour of his baby screaming in his ears? Is that really something worth fighting for?

He sounds controlling and manipulative (sorry just reading your other updates) He is riling the baby up as soon as he comes in. I’m surprised to have to say this considering he works with children but he really needs to do some basic reading about baby sleep, baby development, and basic milestones. None of us are experts when we have children but it’s not only down to one parent (usually the woman) to learn to understand and appropriately respond to the baby.

He's being ridiculous with the swimming. He could do any other form of physical activity once the kids are in bed and come home earlier.

Are you are putting the baby to bed? If so why? Your DH can spend some extra time with him and see for himself the difference half an hour makes.

Honestly OP, what does this man actually do to benefit your life?! Sounds like you’d be better off without him

It's all him him him isn't it

He won't get a job closer to home, he won't do night wakings, he won't learn to drive, he won't reschedule his exercise, he won't help during school holidays etc etc

He's expecting you and your dc to make all the compromises

You know your own baby and obviously better than him seeing as he doesn't seem to want to do any of the drudge work just have a little play when it's baby's bed time.
Sounds like he wants to call all the shots!
Tell him to give up his swimming or sod off.

@TravelLost

Actually *@HandScreen*, what’s the point if putting the child in bed at 7.00pm?

What will happen is a child that is tired, crying for half an hour. Will the DH enjoy that special time with his baby? I doubt it.
Then child can’t get settled easily by dad so…. Here comes the OP because she has some special power and you know isn’t as tired (never mind she works full time AND looks after a baby at the same time).
Then the OP puts baby to bed (because b’fing etc…) which is likely to take more tired due to over exhausted child.

Oh and that’s hoping that baby isn’t going to be more unsettled the next day too….

So I’m wondering, what is the DH going to gain there? Half hour of his baby screaming in his ears? Is that really something worth fighting for?

If a child "can't settle easily with dad", then the dad and child need to practice spending more time together. Let's not harken back to sexist nonsense that only women can settle a baby. OP can simply decide DH does half the bedtimes. Baby "won't settle" for the first few evenings, and then will. It's not rocket science.