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Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
GoldChick · 16/10/2021 09:38

Would you be happy to stay in the relationship if she got pregnant with someone else? Is that an option?

Getyourownback · 16/10/2021 09:38

Some posters on here are a total joke. If a woman is denied a voice or her agency is removed everyone is rightly upset in arms, but then in threads like these you act like the ‘poor woman’ must have been tricked or strung along, that she shouldn’t have to take responsibility for herself and that as the man, the OP must take full responsibility and blame for all things.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 09:39

But he hasn't had a vasectomy leaving the option open.

There are side effects to consider.

His sperm, his responsibility. He doesn't get to dictate both no children and require the women in his life to adapt their own bodies.

Where does it say he is dictating to the woman that she adapts her own body?

If she wants a child she needs to leave.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 16/10/2021 09:40

YANBU to not want another child. She is not unreasonable to want another child.
You are responsible for making sure you don't have another child. "She fell pregnant by accident" assumes all the responsibility is hers. You got her pregnant by accident, she wanted her baby. Take responsibility for yourself. Even better end it so she can try and find someone with the same goals.
Having lost babies I know how much my body yearned for another. I can understand why she feels the way she does. You need to protect her while she's fragile.

BubbleCoffee · 16/10/2021 09:41
Hmm
JaneDoe21 · 16/10/2021 09:41

@Wazzzzzzzup

Cancel wait to see you all on threads where women had accidental pregnancy telling them off for not getting sterilised if they didn't want more!

Hypocrites

This. Funny how it's one thing for men and another thing for women on here.
SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 09:41

But he hasn't had a vasectomy leaving the option open.... He doesn't get to dictate both no children and require the women in his life to adapt their own bodies.

How many women get themselves sterilised when they don't want more children? Most try to insist that the man has a vasectomy.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 09:42

I don't think surgery is the answer here. Seems extreme.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:43

@Wazzzzzzzup

Don't get a surgery no matter how small just to see if it make partner leave or not. Fucks sake women, what's wrong with half of you 🙄! As if you all are getting sterilised when you don't want any more kids fgs. Just take charge of the contraception, OP.
To see if she leaves? No. To protect himself from accidental kids and send the clear message that he's not changing his mind? Definitely.

Women do all sorts to their own bodies in pursuit of not having accidental kids. Men only have two options- one (condoms) is easily tampered with and not terribly reliable anyway, plus reduces enjoyment of sex for many men. The other involves surgery. There are no pills, because the side-effects (similar to those experienced by women on the pill) are deemed too severe to justify their use.

So yes, I would advise any man to have the surgery, if the man is truly determined that he definitely doesn't want kids in future, because it's the best way form of reliable contraception for men who definitely don't want any more kids. I would also advise it for women who are certain they don't want kids, though for women there are other options with comparable efficacy. This isn't the case for men.

OhGiveUp · 16/10/2021 09:45

Ok op 🙄

vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 09:45

His sperm, his responsibility. He doesn't get to dictate both no children and require the women in his life to adapt their own bodies
He is dictating nothing at all. He has told her he will accept her moving in if she can't move away from the idea they won't have a child together. He is hoping that she will accept it and be grateful for what she does have rather than what she doesn't.

If she can't do that, it's for her to make the decision.

All those threads about men mysogynistic attitude and here is a blatant show of embarrassing mysandry.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 09:46

Could you encourage her to find a sperm donor?

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 09:48

This is so strange. This thread comes up a lot and it’s normally sympathetic. This one is aggressive and horrible.

It’s absolutely fine not to want another child. If you’ve been up front about it, it is your partner’s choice about whether she accepts it or leaves you. Counselling can help her accept it or decide to leave.

It is absolutely not wrong to not want more children. I agree that in this situation a vasectomy would be a good idea.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 09:48

@GoldChick

Could you encourage her to find a sperm donor?
How would that help?
Lovemusic33 · 16/10/2021 09:49

Just sit down and lay the cards on the table, explain that you don’t want another child and if she can’t get over that then you need to break up. You sound sensible, I wouldn’t want anymore either (which is why I got sterilised).

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 09:50

Honest @GoldChick why would he do that? If your dp wanted another child and you didnt would you be encouraging him to find another woman to knock up?

MushMonster · 16/10/2021 09:50

@Porcupineintherough

Must admit Im quite glad my dh didnt leave me when I desperately wanted a third and he didnt. I did resent him for a while, and then I got over it. These days I think it was the right decision.
But you already had two children together. They do not have chidren of their own. Having children together is a huge step on a relationship. Much bigger than money matters. She wants that. He does not. I do not see that as compatible, at all. So one of them needs to take the final step, without delay.

If we were talking of a second or third child.... then, for me, that is different. There is a point where finances and logistics start to be an issue.

RandomLondoner · 16/10/2021 09:52

This thread is unusual. It's not often on here that there's widespread support that for the idea that a woman is like a child, and must therefore have the right decision made for her by her male partner, and it's positively cruel of him not to have done that.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 09:53

@Porcupineintherough

Honest *@GoldChick* why would he do that? If your dp wanted another child and you didnt would you be encouraging him to find another woman to knock up?
No I'd leave him but if OP doesn't want to leave her but another child is a deal breaker it might be an option? Depends what OP's issue is, if it's due to genetic factors etc it might help. Obviously won't help if OP doesn't want to have another child in the house.
vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 09:54

Oh the assumptions on this thread to make it all OP's fault and responsibility!

He hasn't confirmed he never ever want kids again. Yet 25 shouts for a vasectomy.

Be hasn't confirmed how the accident happened. Everyone but a couple assumed he didn't wear a condom. No one has even mentioned the possibility that she was so desperate, she retrieved them and used the sperm. Not a likely scenario, but certainly not impossible.

Many posts about him being dishonest when OP clearly started he told her that she was free to move on, hence clearly starting his position.

Anything else to bounce all the wrongs on this guy just as a,matter of principle because this a women's forum and women are never wrong, it's always the man's fault when things don't go her way.

IComeInPeace · 16/10/2021 09:54

I agree with others, get a vasectomy and tell her you're getting a vasectomy.

That will make the decision clearer for her.

Skinnymuffins · 16/10/2021 09:55

My God so many black and white answers here! So unrealistic!

What if she really wants a child but also really loves him? You're all assuming that her need for wanting a child overrides her love for OP? Maybe she loves the idea of another baby as much as she loves the idea of forever with OP and just can't choose which one to go for. She could leave and realise she's made a huge mistake and that living without OP is more unbearable than living without another baby.

I'd calmly sit her down and explain all the wonderful things you can have in your life without having another baby. So it doesn't just become about having or not having a baby. Describe to her how you see your life being together without the baby, the freedom you have as your other children get older. Highlight the positives for you. Maybe she hasn't envisaged those. Ask for a moment to speak to really get this out.

You can't take responsibility for her feelings - I wouldn't leave her as she may be in turmoil as she loves you and wants to be with you. OP maybe her desire to have a baby is so strong because of how much she loves you so be sensitive to this also.

If she can't envisage the same future that you've described to her, then she has decisions to make.

Oh, and wrap up.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/10/2021 09:55

@SoupDragon

But he hasn't had a vasectomy leaving the option open.

There are side effects to consider.

His sperm, his responsibility. He doesn't get to dictate both no children and require the women in his life to adapt their own bodies.

Where does it say he is dictating to the woman that she adapts her own body?

If she wants a child she needs to leave.

There are side effects to hormonal and IUD methods for women, also from female sterilisation.

If a man declines to get a vasectomy but still wants a near certain method of contraception then that pushes the responsibility onto the women. At the moment whatever this hypothetical couple are using has failed at least once.

So the man either gets a vasectomy or requires the hypothetical woman to use the reliable methods of contraception knowing she wants a child and is hoping the man will change his mind.

I've lost count of the women I've seen over the years strung along by men who never intended to have children but also never closed teh door on them, sometimes hinting that they might change their minds. A goodly number then split up in middle age and went on to have a family with a younger model.

So yes. Men who really don't want children should put up or shut up. Compared to the ravages many women experience as a result of fertility the risk is tiny.

grapewine · 16/10/2021 09:55

@LaikO

You haven't wasted her time OP, she is an adult who knew you didn't want another child, and she opted to stay. I don't know why she has been infantilised so much in some posts. You also aren't obliged to have an operation, however you do both need to be responsible with contraception of you aren't already - don't leave it up to her if you're currently relying only on her taking the pill, for example.
All of this!
PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 09:56

He hasn't confirmed he never ever want kids again. Yet 25 shouts for a vasectomy.

He has literally said he 100% doesn’t want kids. His thread is all about not wanting more kids. Why does that need confirming before suggesting a vasectomy?