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AIBU?

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Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 16/10/2021 09:15

You need to break up with her. It’s really unkind of you to know you don’t want more kids and keep the relationship going. You are just taking the easy option rather than showing kindness and love for this woman. You are benefiting from having her in your life Do the right thing and end it.

vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 09:16

You’ve basically ruined her chance of having another baby. And you claim to love her? That isn’t love
And here it comes. 2 pages, it didn't last long to reach assumption that the guy is in the wrong whilst the poor girl is just being abused...

How do you know that he hasn't been honest from the start? That she said it was ok, but planning for an accident behind his back? Lying to him to get what she wanted with no respect to his feelings?

Not all situation of conflict in a relationship is triggered by the guy being an abuser and the woman being a victim.

You, line all of us, have no idea what has been said it done in this relationship. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt!

HaveringWavering · 16/10/2021 09:17

I’m guessing you were relieved when your partner miscarried at 12 weeks? It’s telling that you say “she” list the child, not “we”.

If you got as far as 12 weeks and still didn’t come round to the idea of having a baby then you are obviously clear in your mind. Sounds like have already said as much but book yourself in for a vasectomy because actions speak louder than words. Then she can choose to stay or to go.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 16/10/2021 09:17

1- stop shagging her
2- split up
Problem solved

HouseOfFire · 16/10/2021 09:18

@MushMonster

Yes, zhe is the want who wants to have another child, but in your shoes, I would do one of these two things:
  1. Stay with her and have a child
  2. Leave her so she can fulfill her life and be happy

As you are 100% sure you do not wish another child, that leaves you with one answer. Do not delay this, no one second.

Or 3) explain clearly that you do not want children with her very clearly and let her know you will understand if she wants to split up so she can find someone to have a child with.

OP doesn't have to be sterilised to be a 'good' (can't think of the right word) person like some are saying. He may end up wanting children with someone else. He must use condoms though.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:18

@Rainbowqueeen

You need to break up with her. It’s really unkind of you to know you don’t want more kids and keep the relationship going. You are just taking the easy option rather than showing kindness and love for this woman. You are benefiting from having her in your life Do the right thing and end it.
I disagree entirely with this. OP's wife is the only one who can decide whether she ranks the possibility of another child more highly than the stability of her current family unit in terms of importance.
vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 09:19

You are just taking the easy option rather than showing kindness and love for this woman. You are benefiting from having her in your life Do the right thing and end it

And another one!

Did you purposely missed that bit
We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire
Why can't she be the one to break it up when he made his intentions clear?

MakingM2 · 16/10/2021 09:20

[quote Porcupineintherough]@GoldChick of bollocks, dont infantilise her. A grown woman doesnt need a man to "set her free" if she decides a relationship isnt for her.[/quote]
Honestly, some women do, and he’s the guy saying no so he needs to be that guy.

The woman loves the man.
The man loves the woman.
She wants a child.
He doesn’t.
They can’t choose.

The whole thing rumbles on until it reaches it’s foreseeable sticky end. No-one’s surprised but neither of them took the swift, clean action to prevent it. It’s not pretty and it’s really not fair on the child because it’s almost certain there will be a child.

Once she’s free she can get her grown up mind back. She has lots of options: meet someone else, use a donor, even adopting a whole brood as a lone parent if she wants to and can afford it.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:21

@Skysblue

“Do you want children” is a question most couples ask of each other in the very early stages of dating, to make sure everyone is on the same page. In your next relationship, do that.

You’ve wasted I don’t know how much of her time, and now at 36 it is extremely unlikely that she will meet someone else in time to get pregnant naturally. Her fertility is already declining at a fast rate. You’ve basically ruined her chance of having another baby. And you claim to love her? That isn’t love. You aren’t even bothering to protect her from accidental pregnancy.

End the relationship while there is still a chance she can meet someone else in time.

And as everyone said, have a vasectomy. Don’t want a vasectomy? Then stop having sex.

You're laying a lot of blame at OP's door here. Let's not infantilism the poor woman- if, going in, she knew OP's position then the only one to blame if she's unhappy with the current status quo is herself. Are we really advocating a world in which men need to decide for themselves what will be best for women and take steps to achieve that? Or would we prefer that women can make their own decisions and men respect those decisions?

We're not children- come on!

LaikO · 16/10/2021 09:21

You haven't wasted her time OP, she is an adult who knew you didn't want another child, and she opted to stay. I don't know why she has been infantilised so much in some posts.
You also aren't obliged to have an operation, however you do both need to be responsible with contraception of you aren't already - don't leave it up to her if you're currently relying only on her taking the pill, for example.

YouJustFoldItIn · 16/10/2021 09:21

Get a vasectomy asap. Tell her you are doing so. She will either leave you or she won't, but it's the only thing that will bring this matter to a head.

Lucyccfc68 · 16/10/2021 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:21

*infantilise

BoredatHome321 · 16/10/2021 09:22

@vivainsomnia

You’ve basically ruined her chance of having another baby. And you claim to love her? That isn’t love And here it comes. 2 pages, it didn't last long to reach assumption that the guy is in the wrong whilst the poor girl is just being abused...

How do you know that he hasn't been honest from the start? That she said it was ok, but planning for an accident behind his back? Lying to him to get what she wanted with no respect to his feelings?

Not all situation of conflict in a relationship is triggered by the guy being an abuser and the woman being a victim.

You, line all of us, have no idea what has been said it done in this relationship. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt!

I've just read someone say "I'm guessing you were relieved when your partner miscarried." It's absolutely astonishing how SOME men get treated on this forum.
HouseOfFire · 16/10/2021 09:22

[quote Porcupineintherough]@GoldChick of bollocks, dont infantilise her. A grown woman doesnt need a man to "set her free" if she decides a relationship isnt for her.[/quote]
I'm with you, I know this is mumsnet, but really, the word vasectomy has been mentioned 21 times already.

OP doesn't want more children at this time in his life with this partner. He may change his mind in x years.

Yes, he needs to be careful with his contraception, but must he have a vasectomy? No

(23 times now)

DoraDont · 16/10/2021 09:23

Not sure why everyone is assuming the OP is male?

But my advice, regardless or whether you are male or female, would be that you need to separate and let her try to have another child on her own, or to find a new partner who she can try and have a child with. Time is of the essence in your late thirties.

If OP is male, you really need to have the snip and be completely honest with any future partners from the word go.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/10/2021 09:23

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

You need to separate.
This.
ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:24

@MakingM2

Once she’s free she can get her grown up mind back. She has lots of options: meet someone else, use a donor, even adopting a whole brood as a lone parent if she wants to and can afford it.

Good heavens, she's free now. You're advocating OP takes that freedom from her by deciding on her behalf that she'll never be happy unless she has another child, but neither you nor he know if that's the case. The only one qualified to say whether she'd prefer the status quo over uprooting her whole life in search of a possible other child is the OP's partner.

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 09:24

Concerning to see that so many women here believe this strongly in women being incapable of making decisions for themselves...

EarringsandLipstick · 16/10/2021 09:25

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

The coldness in this statement is appalling.

How did she get pregnant by accident when you are absolutely clear you don't want a child?

You need to end the relationship as it seems to be consuming her, and you are clear you don't want a child - which is your right.

DoraDont · 16/10/2021 09:25

My bad, just seen that she fell pregnant earlier his year, presumably by the OP.

Yeah, you need to walk away.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:26

Not sure why everyone is assuming the OP is male?

Because they're with a female who fell pregnant accidentally?

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:27

@Wazzzzzzzup

Concerning to see that so many women here believe this strongly in women being incapable of making decisions for themselves...
This. It's no wonder it took so long for us to get the vote, given that so many of our own sex apparently believe we need men to make decisions on our behalf!
SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 09:27

Not sure why everyone is assuming the OP is male?

How else could she have fallen pregnant by accident whilst in a relationship with the OP? Unless you're saying she cheated of course.

YouJustFoldItIn · 16/10/2021 09:27

So you don’t want my more children, but you got her pregnant anyway?

What a tit.

Do you say that to women who get pg by accident too? If you are of the opinion that BC never fails then no man 'gets' a woman pregnant without some lack of responsibility on her part too. Pregnancy only EVER happens when two people let it - usually by one person putting too much trust in the other to make sure it doesn't happen.