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AIBU?

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Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 09:57

@GoldChick

Could you encourage her to find a sperm donor?
Still haven't sobered up from Friday sesh?
dworky · 16/10/2021 09:57

Why did you impregnate her when you don't want children?
She deserves better, irrespective of children.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 09:57

Or you could just not have sex

user1471538283 · 16/10/2021 09:57

My DF was with a woman and he definitely didnt want a baby as I was an adult and het child was a teen. I'm not sure about her but it was discussed far earlier than 3 years in and he had a vasectomy to make sure. That's what you need to do.

IComeInPeace · 16/10/2021 09:57

But she has a child. I don't know if her time is being wasted when she is already a mother! It's not like she might lose the chance of motherhood because she's not strong enough to walk away.

This is a bit different when it's about a second child. She is choosing between her partner who she loves and a second child.

I think it would be a different decision from the one she'd ahve to make if she didn't already have a child.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:58

I do not see that as compatible, at all.

Good thing it's not your relationship then. It's not for you to decide. The glib way in which people are advising this man to pull the rug put from under his grieving partner 'for her own good' shocks me.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:58

*out

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 09:58

If a man declines to get a vasectomy but still wants a near certain method of contraception then that pushes the responsibility onto the women

Which is entirely her decision to take or not.

If she 100% wants another child she needs to take responsibility for that and leave. She hasn't and this is somehow the man's fault.

It's utterly ridiculous.

vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 09:58

But you already had two children together
I didnt. And yes, to start with I very much wanted to share a child together to have that unity, but thankfully, I was mature enough to realise that what made us a unit was the strength of our relationship, not adding another being to it.

I too am so glad I didn't stamp my foot and considered that my wishes trumped everything, and that focusing in being grateful for what you have rather than aggrieved at what you don't leads to much more happiness.

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 10:01

@dworky

Why did you impregnate her when you don't want children? She deserves better, irrespective of children.
Why is she having sex with a man who doesn't want children when she does?

Her future is in her hands and no one else's.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 16/10/2021 10:01

OP @Bteng83, there's nothing more to do. It shouldn't be a big issue between you two - granted, you love each other, so it isn't easy to walk away. However, it's time for both of you to put your big boy/girl pants on and do the sensible thing.

Lay the cards on the table.
You both definitely want different things - neither are wrong for it.
You both have to say goodbye to each other and find others who want what you do.

While you're at it and since you're the one who doesn't want to have children (and you're 100% not wrong for that), it's up to you to prevent this from happening.

grapewine · 16/10/2021 10:02

The double standard on this site is utterly ridiculous.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 10:02

You both have to say goodbye to each other and find others who want what you do.

They don’t have to do that. They need to work out if it’s a dealbreaker or not. Couples do work through this sort of thing. Flowers

Lalliella · 16/10/2021 10:02

There really isn’t an answer to this one. You can’t compromise and have half a baby. One of you will get 100% of the outcome you want and the other will get 0%. You need to both sit down and have an honest chat about how you will feel in 5 or 10 years time with that outcome. Maybe you need to love her enough to let her go.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 10:03

I don’t know where those flowers came from

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/10/2021 10:03

Leave, this will be the wedge that grows.
Very early on I asked Mrs. Hr if she wants children, these questions need to be asked at the beginning.

Do not get a vasectomy.

MushMonster · 16/10/2021 10:03

So you were exactly in the same situation as OP!
Good that it worked for you. I think it will not for me, if I wanted a child together as much as the OP's post suggests.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 10:03

@grapewine

The double standard on this site is utterly ridiculous.
I agree. This is totally different to the other threads on this subject.
vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 10:04

He has literally said he 100% doesn’t want kids. His thread is all about not wanting more kids. Why does that need confirming before suggesting a vasectomy?
Because maybe he is knows that no feelings is forever and situation changes. He doesn't want kids now. Something could happen to his living child. Who says he wouldn't want one then.

It's not because you know for sure you don't want something now doesn't mean you know 100% you'll still feel the same in 5, 10 years time.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 10:05

@vivainsomnia

He has literally said he 100% doesn’t want kids. His thread is all about not wanting more kids. Why does that need confirming before suggesting a vasectomy? Because maybe he is knows that no feelings is forever and situation changes. He doesn't want kids now. Something could happen to his living child. Who says he wouldn't want one then.

It's not because you know for sure you don't want something now doesn't mean you know 100% you'll still feel the same in 5, 10 years time.

Some people do know that. That’s why women get sterilised and men get vasectomies.
RedToothBrush · 16/10/2021 10:07

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire

Why is the responsibility for ending the relationship with her?

If you are continuing to have sex with her - keeping in mind you have already managed to get her pregnant once, you are completely out of order.

If you love her and respect her and know this is what she really wants you wouldn't be fucking with her head. Then you blame it on her mental health and her job.

Get the fuck over yourself.

Take responsibility, respect her feelings are also important on this and end it yourself if its that much of a deal breaker for you.

vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 10:07

As a matter if fact, I experienced the exact opposite.

At 38, I had never wanted anything as much as I then wanted to be pregnant. It consumed every hour or my life. It was a mission and all I focused about.

7 years later, the idea of a baby totally horrified me, so much that had I somehow miraculously fallen pregnant, I'd probably have gone for an abortion.

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 10:08

I agree. This is totally different to the other threads on this subject.

Well of course. Because penis. 😁 It's always penis's fault. Everything. You could kick kittens for a hobby and still would be treated better here than a man.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2021 10:08

Why is the responsibility for ending the relationship with her?

Because she is the one who needs to decide whether she can live without another child.

RedToothBrush · 16/10/2021 10:15

Can i just point out the following. Its not just simply a question of the couple being on different pages for another child.

Look at what the OP has written.

Despite not wanting another child he has got his partner pregnant. And is seemingly glad she lost it cos he didn't want another child. Great support after pregnancy loss.

He then seems to not only expect her to give up on the idea of having another child but also get another job within the nhs giving up one she loves because it involves working with babies because he thinks its influencing how she feels about another baby, and is then using the excuse that he is somehow only thinking of her mental health.

Controlling, unsympathetic and selfish are words that spring to mind.

Its not just about having different opinions about more children.