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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 16/10/2021 08:55

I don't get why you haven't ended the relationship if you know this is something she wants but you don't. It's really selfish of you to have left it to her to make the call. You know you're incompatible, she is probably holding on in the hope you'll change your mind or she'll have another accident. Let her go.

^This

Also agree with all the posts saying that if having another child is such an issue for you you need wear a condom every single time and book in for a vasectomy.

heldinadream · 16/10/2021 08:55

You 100% don't want a child but you don't 100% prevent it?
You're irresponsible. Do something about your 100% need not to have a child - have a vasectomy.

ReeseWitherfork · 16/10/2021 08:56

@GoldChick

I don't get why you haven't ended the relationship if you know this is something she wants but you don't. It's really selfish of you to have left it to her to make the call. You know you're incompatible, she is probably holding on in the hope you'll change your mind or she'll have another accident. Let her go.
This ^

Your options are stay with her (and know that she's probably going to be a tad bitter and heartbroken for the rest of her life) or break up with her.

burnoutbabe · 16/10/2021 08:56

Surely he'd be a complete bastard if he dumped her immediately following a miscarriage?

Was there no discussion when pregnant about you not wanting it and her carrying on anyway?

I think if a msn suddenly started using condoms it would be a very big "I don't trust you" - if she was on Depo etc there is minimal risk of accidents compared to say the pill. So vasectomy seems the main option.

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 08:57

@GoldChick of bollocks, dont infantilise her. A grown woman doesnt need a man to "set her free" if she decides a relationship isnt for her.

Pea22ches · 16/10/2021 08:57

Some harsh comments here OP.

It's tricky because it's all or nothing.. so when your GF fell pregnant what was the plan/discussion at the time?

The ball really is in your GF court as she wants the child.

billy1966 · 16/10/2021 08:58

I think if you stay together she may well get accidentally pregnant again.

You should have a vasectomy to eliminate any chance.

This is going nowhere, best to break up or you will most likely be a father starting again.

Cocomarine · 16/10/2021 09:00

I don’t think a man would ever understand the literal empty after losing a wanted pregnancy and how being pregnant again can feel like the only thing that will ever help you to feel better again. Obviously not his every woman feels, but it was true for me and I heard it a lot as a volunteer with miscarriage support group.

So… be kind.

But also, for this - and the next women if there are some - have a vasectomy.

MushMonster · 16/10/2021 09:01

Yes, zhe is the want who wants to have another child, but in your shoes, I would do one of these two things:

  1. Stay with her and have a child
  2. Leave her so she can fulfill her life and be happy

As you are 100% sure you do not wish another child, that leaves you with one answer. Do not delay this, no one second.

MakingM2 · 16/10/2021 09:04

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

You need to separate.
This.

I know a couple who had this dilemma. It went on for years. Eventually she managed to get pregnant, he resented it, it festered really quite badly, they split up. It was shockingly acrimonious and a terrible thing to do to the child.

If you don’t want a child, do the kind thing for you, her and your children and leave so she can meet someone who can give her what she needs.

JaneDoe21 · 16/10/2021 09:04

Get the snip. So there can't be any "accidents" and wear a condom until then.

I think you've been very reasonable saying she can leave to have another child.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 09:05

[quote Porcupineintherough]@GoldChick of bollocks, dont infantilise her. A grown woman doesnt need a man to "set her free" if she decides a relationship isnt for her.[/quote]
OP knows it isn't going to work but is putting the decision on her. It's selfish because OP wants to stay with her but knows they want different things. There's no point waiting for her to come to the conclusion herself and drag it out for months/years.

Wazzzzzzzup · 16/10/2021 09:06

[quote Porcupineintherough]@GoldChick of bollocks, dont infantilise her. A grown woman doesnt need a man to "set her free" if she decides a relationship isnt for her.[/quote]
I second that! Wtf peopleConfused

SnowyQueen · 16/10/2021 09:07

@Bteng83 hmm she’s broody and then “accidentally” falls pregnant? You can’t rely on her to take her contraceptive pill at the same time everyday. You either get a vasectomy or ask: “would you stay with me even though I never ever want more dc?”

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 09:07

She seems to be struggling to end the relationship though. So OP needs to do it.

ThirdElephant · 16/10/2021 09:07

OP knows it isn't going to work but is putting the decision on her. It's selfish because OP wants to stay with her but knows they want different things. There's no point waiting for her to come to the conclusion herself and drag it out for months/years.

If he's told her, then she doesn't need to come to that conclusion herself. And yes, she might want another child, but on balance she might decide she values her current relationship and lifestyle more. It's pretty damn patronising to suggest that she's incapable of making her own mind up on this and needs OP to do it for her.

Idontlike · 16/10/2021 09:08

@GoldChick

If she won't leave you then maybe you should leave her? So she can find someone who does want a child.
Absolutely.

Several years down the line the resentment will begin to show and she will have wasted her fertile years being with someone who can’t give her what she wants.

I speak from experience Sad

GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/10/2021 09:08

Break up.
Get a vasectomy.

Herewegoagain84 · 16/10/2021 09:08

You need to break up with her. She won’t break up with you because she loves you and hopes she’ll eventually change your mind. If you 100% do not want another child, it’s the kind thing to do to ensure she fully understands your position / you don’t end up with any “surprises” / she gets to pursue her dream elsewhere.

Skysblue · 16/10/2021 09:10

“Do you want children” is a question most couples ask of each other in the very early stages of dating, to make sure everyone is on the same page. In your next relationship, do that.

You’ve wasted I don’t know how much of her time, and now at 36 it is extremely unlikely that she will meet someone else in time to get pregnant naturally. Her fertility is already declining at a fast rate. You’ve basically ruined her chance of having another baby. And you claim to love her? That isn’t love. You aren’t even bothering to protect her from accidental pregnancy.

End the relationship while there is still a chance she can meet someone else in time.

And as everyone said, have a vasectomy. Don’t want a vasectomy? Then stop having sex.

vivainsomnia · 16/10/2021 09:11

I don't get why you haven't ended the relationship if you know this is something she wants but you don't. It's really selfish of you to have left it to her to make the call. You know you're incompatible, she is probably holding on in the hope you'll change your mind or she'll have another accident. Let her go
How about the other way around and she realises that losing OP because she can't move on from wanting another child would be a mistake? Sometimes we have to accept we can't have everything our heart demands.

If you don’t want a child, do the kind thing for you, her and your children and leave so she can meet someone who can give her what she needs
Needs? Or wants?

I've been where she is. I opted to stay with my OH. The desperation for another child disappeared with time to be replaced by gratefulness I didn't. I'm so glad I didn't leave my man for what turned out to be something I didn't want any longer. I lived him more than I wanted a baby.

In your shoes, if her desperation to have another child (as opposed to becoming a parent) was more important than our relationship, I wouldn't want to be with them any longer. It's clearly a sign it's not strong enough.

5zeds · 16/10/2021 09:12

Have a vasectomy and she’ll either leave you or stay?

SoupDragon · 16/10/2021 09:12

OP knows it isn't going to work but is putting the decision on her. It's selfish because OP wants to stay with her but knows they want different things. There's no point waiting for her to come to the conclusion herself and drag it out for months/years.

Ridiculous. She is an adult woman. He is not stringing her along and has been very clear about not wanting another child.

pinkyredrose · 16/10/2021 09:12

Get a vasectomy and leave her.

Reptar · 16/10/2021 09:15

I'm going to suggest a vasectomy and couples therapy. Your partner needs to work out what she wants more, another baby or you. And you need to work out how you will react if she has another baby, because pregnancy is always a potential outcome if you are having sex.