Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 20:40

This. Women nervous about medical procedures get nothing but sympathy. Men are told they are wimps and to man up. Appalling double standards.

How can it be double standards when they’re totally different things?

PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 20:42

@Pumperthepumper

This. Women nervous about medical procedures get nothing but sympathy. Men are told they are wimps and to man up. Appalling double standards.

How can it be double standards when they’re totally different things?

Is it really that difficult to understand?
Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 20:42

@PurpleDaisies it is, yes. How can it be double standards when they’re different things?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/10/2021 20:45

This. Women nervous about medical procedures get nothing but sympathy. Men are told they are wimps and to man up. Appalling double standards.

It's not a comparable example though.

Men who have to have circumcisions as adults due to health issues would get huge sympathy from me as it's a painful, non elective and necessary procedure.

A vasectomy would prevent an outcome OP absolutely doesn't want, preventing him from being a father to a child he doesn't want and preventing his partner from being at some point pressured into terminating a baby she would in fact like to keep.

Elective and non elective surgeries are totally different things.

A woman choosing to have a breast enlargement because she wants bigger boobs would get less 'sympathy' for want of a better word (as I in fact feel sympathy for anyone in pain obviously) from me than a woman having to have a mastectomy for health reasons or a woman having a reduction due to lifelong back pain. I think most people would feel that way?

seb342 · 18/10/2021 20:48

[quote Pumperthepumper]@PurpleDaisies it is, yes. How can it be double standards when they’re different things?[/quote]
Well I don't know about you but I wouldn't be thrilled either way, man or woman, about someone coming at my bits with a scalpel so it's perfectly reasonable to be nervous about it.

Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 20:50

Well I don't know about you but I wouldn't be thrilled either way, man or woman, about someone coming at my bits with a scalpel so it's perfectly reasonable to be nervous about it.

But what’s it equivalent to that we could whinge about double standards? Not sterilisation, because we know they’re totally different. Not a c-section, again totally different. Not getting a coil fitted or a smear because again: different. So what are we comparing here before we start on the old hypocrisy trail?

bg21 · 18/10/2021 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 20:53

How can it be double standards when they’re different things?

Is a vasectomy not a medical procedure?

Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 20:55

@PurpleDaisies

How can it be double standards when they’re different things?

Is a vasectomy not a medical procedure?

What’s the female equivalent though? What are we comparing here? Getting a tooth out is a medical procedure, is it comparable to that?
ThirdElephant · 18/10/2021 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk guidelines.

PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 20:59

What’s the female equivalent though? What are we comparing here? Getting a tooth out is a medical procedure, is it comparable to that?

Plenty of people are terrified of going to the dentist. Threads about that are always sympathetic.

Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 21:00

@PurpleDaisies

What’s the female equivalent though? What are we comparing here? Getting a tooth out is a medical procedure, is it comparable to that?

Plenty of people are terrified of going to the dentist. Threads about that are always sympathetic.

So it’s not double standards against men, just minor medical procedures?
PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 21:01

So it’s not double standards against men, just minor medical procedures?

What does this even mean?

seb342 · 18/10/2021 21:02

@Pumperthepumper everyone is different. I have a terrible phobia of needles and to many people getting blood taken or having a filling isn't a big thing but to me it's huge and to the point where I've had to have medication to have blood taken in the past so you shouldn't be so quick to judge. We all have different fears and phobias and that's part of what makes everyone unique. You don't know this person so you can't just write off his fear because you see it irrelevant, I'm sorry but it just doesn't work like that.

Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 21:03

@PurpleDaisies

So it’s not double standards against men, just minor medical procedures?

What does this even mean?

What double standards am I being accused of here?
NeverChange · 18/10/2021 21:04

Which scares you more, another child or a vasectomy?

Theunamedcat · 18/10/2021 21:05

You dont usually need stitches for a tooth extraction nor do you for a vasectomy so I guess the two could be compared

If you wanted to get silly about it that is

BeMoreHedgehog · 18/10/2021 21:23

My husband had his vasectomy done at the local doctors surgery.

TheWeeDonkey · 18/10/2021 21:48

I honestly don't understand why advising and adult male to be responsible for his sexual health if he doesn't want children is so controversial. Surely its basic common sense?

Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 22:03

@TheWeeDonkey

I honestly don't understand why advising and adult male to be responsible for his sexual health if he doesn't want children is so controversial. Surely its basic common sense?
As I understand it, it’s because of the double standards. If you wouldn’t give exactly the same advice about vasectomies to a woman then you’re a hypocrite.
Shizen · 18/10/2021 23:11

@TheWeeDonkey

I honestly don't understand why advising and adult male to be responsible for his sexual health if he doesn't want children is so controversial. Surely its basic common sense?
This. Thank you! People (including me) are mentioning vasectomy because the OP has said that he categorically does NOT want another child… and yet, his partner managed to become pregnant.

Apparently, advising the OP that if he really really means it, he doesn’t get to outsource the responsibility to his partner (who, it so happens, also wants to become pregnant)… apparently this means we are man hating and showing evidence of a double standard?!

No… we have just said OP, your choices are remain abstinent or get the snip, because those are the only two choices that YOU (the OP) can retain full control over

Zugs · 18/10/2021 23:40

Really impressed with your upfront honesty - brave - so many men have kids that they don't really want, a fair amount should have taken a leaf out of your book.
Vasectomy = it's near on permanent (low percentage of reversals) - so while you may not want children now but you may in the future.

If you want fundamentally different things, that's hard on you both. i suspect that your paths may lead to something different.

However, a child will bring your partnership a joint focus and an inseparable bond. I really enjoy being a parent and spending time with my kids, so i am a bit biased ;)

Tough call, good luck & keep your honesty.

Zugs · 18/10/2021 23:45

@shizen

the most sensible option is neither.

If they want different things they should go their separate ways - not remain with abstinence and no baby.

Think about how she feels and how she is at work every day watching other peoples' babies.

TheWeeDonkey · 19/10/2021 01:34

PumpertheDumper there is no double standard. I've taken responsibility for my own sexual health since I became sexually active and I would give any woman the same advice too.

Part of being an adult is understanding that actions have consequences.

urbanbuddha · 19/10/2021 01:46

It's an either or decision. Either the snip or a baby. Which scares you more?

The snip is a simple medical procedure.
A baby is life-changing.
You decide.