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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
ThirdElephant · 17/10/2021 08:49

@vivainsomnia

why won’t you respond to the hundreds of posts saying you’re not unreasonable to not want a child, but if so, get the snip? Maybe because he doesn't owe a bunch of men hating harpies, making him clearly feel like he is a complete shit anything for their sole selfish entertainment.

Because in all likelihood, he has considered a vasectomy himself like a big boy and if he didn't mention it, it's because he has very valid reasons.

For all you know he has suggested it to her and she went berserk and told him she was definitely leaving him if he did.

This thread is really leaving a bad taste in my mouth about MN. It has a poor reputation for being ageist and sexist and thus thread has really proven to be the case with the latter.

I don't know about 'men hating harpies' and 'sexist'. Though there is some sexism here, I think it's mainly that in AIBU, people have a tendency to come down in opposition of the OP. I've noticed that people tend to use AIBU as a chance to go for other people and stick the knife in.

People on here tend to take a dim view of humanity as a whole, as well- have you seen how many people have presumed that OP's partner deliberately tampered with or didn't take birth control in order to trap him into having a baby?

Sidehustle99 · 17/10/2021 08:54

@vivainsomnia

why won’t you respond to the hundreds of posts saying you’re not unreasonable to not want a child, but if so, get the snip? Maybe because he doesn't owe a bunch of men hating harpies, making him clearly feel like he is a complete shit anything for their sole selfish entertainment.

Because in all likelihood, he has considered a vasectomy himself like a big boy and if he didn't mention it, it's because he has very valid reasons.

For all you know he has suggested it to her and she went berserk and told him she was definitely leaving him if he did.

This thread is really leaving a bad taste in my mouth about MN. It has a poor reputation for being ageist and sexist and thus thread has really proven to be the case with the latter.

He literally came on to 'Mumsnet' for advice from women. Why are you here? Suggesting a vasectomy does not make us a bunch of man hating harpies. It is practical advice with the aim of making it clear to the Op's partner that he does not want more DC. Loads of women have said YANBU not to want more kids. Honestly your attitude to women says more about you than it does about MN. MN is well know for brutally honest feedback - sometimes it's hard to hear.
ThirdElephant · 17/10/2021 08:57

So sad how most projected here and couldn't envision that her love for OP could be as strong as her desire for a baby and that she was really struggling with the decision and that maybe just maybe, he came here to find someone whose been through the same to find out how he could support her best?

I agree with this.

'Unwanted pregnancies happen all the time
This close second! Happens all the time 😅. Do you mean women who fall.pregnsnt because they don't take contraception properly or at all and then claim they fell pregnant by accident because they don't want to admit the truth?'

I disagree with this. No birth control is 100% effective, and given the sheer number of people using it, unwanted pregnancies must, mathematically speaking, happen all the time. Take condoms- 98% effective. 2 out of 100 people using them correctly and every time they have sex will fall pregnant within a year (according to the NHS website).

Scale that up. There are close to 70 million people in the UK. If only 1 million of them are sexually active females whose partners use condoms for a year, that's still 20,000 pregnancies per year. And I imagine that there are many more than 1 million fertile couples using condoms as their only means of contraception! So yes, accidental pregnancies do happen all the time.

vivainsomnia · 17/10/2021 09:02

Though there is some sexism here, I think it's mainly that in AIBU, people have a tendency to come down in opposition of the OP
I totally disagree. If it was OP OH who'd home and post, she would have got all the sympathy, even if she'd admitted that she'd planned an accident.

have you seen how many people have presumed that OP's partner deliberately tampered with or didn't take birth control in order to trap him into having a baby?
Very few did and this was only stated as something that could maybe have happened.

vivainsomnia · 17/10/2021 09:07

Suggesting a vasectomy does not make us a bunch of man hating harpies
As said many times, that's just stupid to assume that OP needed strangers to I form him of that option!

That's not what gives this thread such abad taste though. It's the numerous posts that implied that he wasn't fault, that he was a horrible person for not being the one breaking up with her, for implying that he hasn't been honest with her. All those posts desperately trying to put the full responsibility of the situation in him.

Honestly your attitude to women says more about you than it does about MN
Haha, proving my point. If you dare support a man on MN, you can oy have an issue with women! Pathetic!

Sidehustle99 · 17/10/2021 09:08

@vivainsomnia *
*
Though there is some sexism here, I think it's mainly that in AIBU, people have a tendency to come down in opposition of the OP

I totally disagree. If it was OP OH who'd home and post, she would have got all the sympathy, even if she'd admitted that she'd planned an accident.

Again I ask then why are you here?*
*

vivainsomnia · 17/10/2021 09:12

I disagree with this. No birth control is 100% effective, and given the sheer number of people using it, unwanted pregnancies must, mathematically speaking, happen all the time. Take condoms- 98% effective. 2 out of 100 people using them correctly and every time they have sex will fall pregnant within a year (according to the NHS website)
A 0.3% chance of getting pregnant in a year when properly used doesn't equate to all the time to me!

It's minuscule!

vivainsomnia · 17/10/2021 09:14

Again I ask then why are you here?
Oh yes, sorry, forgot you have to sign a disclaimer that you can only be here if you are prepared to respond in a way that implies that any problem faced by women are men's fault!

CounsellorTroi · 17/10/2021 09:14

These days if the man changes his mind they can use a needle to remove sperm from the testicles, so no reversal is even needed
The rubbish we read here is astonishing! That's got to top it!

Quite. A sterilised woman can still produce eggs via ovarian stimulation. But no one would recommend sterilisation to a woman on the basis that if she changes her mind she can always have IVF. Which would also be needed with sperm aspiration btw.

ThirdElephant · 17/10/2021 09:14

I totally disagree. If it was OP OH who'd home and post, she would have got all the sympathy, even if she'd admitted that she'd planned an accident.

Not in AIBU. Most of these types of thread appear in Relationships, but in AIBU I'm confident that a female poster in a similar situation would likely get her arse handed to her. You don't see this sort of thread in AIBU very often for that reason.

Very few did and this was only stated as something that could maybe have happened.

Every single person who has told OP to, 'take control of the contraception' has implied that they think the OP's partner is untrustworthy at worst, or unreliable at best. Condoms are less reliable than the pill- switching to them makes little sense from a pregnancy prevention perspective, unless you view the woman's involvement as significantly reducing the efficacy compared with just having the male involved. Now, you could advise using two methods of contraception instead of just one, but that's not been done, as far as I've seen.

PurpleDaisies · 17/10/2021 09:16

If it was OP OH who'd home and post, she would have got all the sympathy, even if she'd admitted that she'd planned an accident.

Nonsense. Women who plan to “accidentally” fall pregnant do post threads here and they’re absolutely torn to shreds. It’s massively frowned upon here.

If she’d posted saying she was gutted her partner didn’t want a baby, why would be given sympathy and told to seek help to make peace with the children she has or to leave him. Again, those threads happen all the time and they go very differently to this one.

PurpleDaisies · 17/10/2021 09:16

^she would be given sympathy, not why

ThirdElephant · 17/10/2021 09:16

@vivainsomnia

I disagree with this. No birth control is 100% effective, and given the sheer number of people using it, unwanted pregnancies must, mathematically speaking, happen all the time. Take condoms- 98% effective. 2 out of 100 people using them correctly and every time they have sex will fall pregnant within a year (according to the NHS website) A 0.3% chance of getting pregnant in a year when properly used doesn't equate to all the time to me!

It's minuscule!

You've got to scale that up among the population- as I did in my previous post. 20,000 pregnancies per year is all the time- it's 54 new pregnancies a day! And that's presuming that only 1 million women rely on condoms!
PurpleDaisies · 17/10/2021 09:18

Every single person who has told OP to, 'take control of the contraception' has implied that they think the OP's partner is untrustworthy at worst, or unreliable at best.

Rubbish. He is the one not wanting a baby so he is responsible for making that not happen. It isn’t fair to expect her to sort out the contraception. He shouldn’t expect her to have an abortion if it fails.

Sidehustle99 · 17/10/2021 09:19

@vivainsomnia

Again I ask then why are you here? Oh yes, sorry, forgot you have to sign a disclaimer that you can only be here if you are prepared to respond in a way that implies that any problem faced by women are men's fault!
No but there are chat standards and your sounds a lot like women hating.
Djifunrsn · 17/10/2021 09:22

It’s a dealbreaker.

ThirdElephant · 17/10/2021 09:30

@PurpleDaisies

Every single person who has told OP to, 'take control of the contraception' has implied that they think the OP's partner is untrustworthy at worst, or unreliable at best.

Rubbish. He is the one not wanting a baby so he is responsible for making that not happen. It isn’t fair to expect her to sort out the contraception. He shouldn’t expect her to have an abortion if it fails.

OK, fair point. There's still quite a few implying that she shouldn't be trusted though. And it's often not that simple- lots of women don't like condoms and a few can't use them, so it's not as simple as saying he can sort it out because he's the one who doesn't want kids. Lots of posters do forget that sex in a relationship is often quite important to the woman too, not just the man.
ThirdElephant · 17/10/2021 09:35

If she’d posted saying she was gutted her partner didn’t want a baby, why would be given sympathy and told to seek help to make peace with the children she has or to leave him. Again, those threads happen all the time and they go very differently to this one.

Yeah, but they're in Relationships, not AIBU. I'm very sure that if someone posted, in AIBU, 'My partner doesn't want a baby, but I do. We spoke about it when we got together and he's always said he doesn't want kids but I always have and it's really upsetting me now because I accidentally got pregnant this year, though I lost it at 12 weeks.'

She'd get several stock answers:

  • What's your AIBU?
  • Sorry for your loss Flowers
  • How did you 'accidentally' get pregnant? Hmm
  • He was honest with you from the start, why did you stay with him? This is on you. YABU.
  • Be grateful for the child you've got.
  • If you love him, it isn't worth uprooting your child and life to chase the possibility of a kid- what if they have SEN? You're more likely to find having kids difficult at your age etc. Grass is always greener.
  • You are being selfish. Think about the kid you do have.
  • The one who doesn't want kids always trumps the one who does. Every child a wanted child.
  • Leave him or face everlasting regret
  • Lots of people feel broody at your age, you'll get over it.
  • Why are people being so nasty? Mumsnet is a site for support. OP recently had a miscarriage- be kind. [Inevitably met with, AIBU is a board for honesty/ if you can't handle it don't post here/ 'be kind' is anti-feminist etc and an ensuing bunfight]

It wouldn't all be sweet tea and sympathy, I guarantee it. Purely because, in AIBU, if there's a reasonable way to give a YABU response, responders will do so.

SofiaMichelle · 17/10/2021 09:38

Wow. Some properly cuntish stuff being posted towards the OP on this thread.

RampantIvy · 17/10/2021 09:54

I agree @SofiaMichelle. Why do some women find it utterly impossible to believe that some people just. don't. want children/another child?

LJenn · 17/10/2021 09:55

@SofiaMichelle

Wow. Some properly cuntish stuff being posted towards the OP on this thread.
I was going to say something along those lines but you've summed it up perfectly @SofiaMichelle 👌🏻👌🏻.

No OP you didn't "ruin her life" by not giving her what she wants. It shouldn't be all down to what the woman wants either.. there I said it. It's a BABY we're talking about not a bloody couch. They've both been through this before, why should the OP just make this life changing decision to keep someone happy? Ridiculous.

But you SHOULD absolutely walk away OP because you're wanting different things & will never agree. You BOTH deserve to be happy and if this is truly what she wants, perhaps she can find someone who wants the same. Deep down you know this.

ThirdElephant · 17/10/2021 10:09

But you SHOULD absolutely walk away OP because you're wanting different things & will never agree. You BOTH deserve to be happy and if this is truly what she wants, perhaps she can find someone who wants the same. Deep down you know this.

The key here is, 'if this is truly what she wants'. People want a lot of things. I daresay she also wants to continue her relationship with her DP. Which one she wants more is for her to decide, not you, or OP, or anyone else on this thread who professes clairvoyance.

HouseOfFire · 17/10/2021 10:57

@SofiaMichelle

Wow. Some properly cuntish stuff being posted towards the OP on this thread.
I agree

@ThirdElephant spot on

HouseOfFire · 17/10/2021 10:58

@Djifunrsn

It’s a dealbreaker.
For you.

No-one here knows if it is for OP DP as we only have OP POV

HouseOfFire · 17/10/2021 11:02

@RedToothBrush

Going to say it again.

The OP has also asked her to change jobs from one she loves.

Not ok.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

That doesn't say he asked her to change jobs. That says she works with babies and it is affecting her mental health.