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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
TheWeeDonkey · 17/10/2021 11:07

Still not sure what the AIBU is?

Have an honest conversation, sort out contraception. Neither of you are being unreasonable, you just have different expectations of the relationship, the question is, is it a dealbreaker or not. Which you won't know if you don't communicate clearly with each other.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 11:37

@RedToothBrush

The OP has also asked her to change jobs from one she loves.

There's nothing at all that says he asked her to do this. You've made that up entirely by extrapolating it from a statement that her work is triggering but she says it's short staffed so cannot change jobs.

Nowhere does it even imply he she asked her to move.

People just make stuff up despite things being written in black and white for everyone to read.

YouJustFoldItIn · 17/10/2021 12:05

Every single person who has told OP to, 'take control of the contraception' has implied that they think the OP's partner is untrustworthy at worst, or unreliable at best.

She may be, she may not be. But if we acknowledge that genuine accidents can happen then if you REALLY REALLY DO NOT WANT another accident to happen then managing your own birth control is the only way to pretty much guarantee it. It's still not 100% foolproof but the risks are vastly reduced when compared to putting all the responsibility onto your female partner to use the BC, who may or may not be taking it properly. And once an accident has happened, however genuine or not, as a man you have pretty much zero say in what happens from that point. As a woman you have options once PG. The man has none. So being super careful with BC is more important for him than for her.

I know plenty of men (and women) dislike condoms but frankly unless he's prepared to get a vasectomy is wearing a condom really worse than having to forego PIV sex altogether? I doubt it.

Original poster
Bteng83 · 17/10/2021 13:17

Thankyou

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 17/10/2021 13:23

@ThirdElephant disagree completely. Telling the OP to take responsibility for contraception is because it is really unkind to expect his partner to be actively responsible for preventing something she really wants.

Pumperthepumper · 17/10/2021 14:20

@Bteng83

Thankyou
You’re welcome. Good luck with the vasectomy.
callmeadoctor · 17/10/2021 15:30

OP not forthcoming with any thoughts or any other info. So thread is now a bit of a waste of time IMO.

Original poster
Bteng83 · 18/10/2021 11:29

Wow! Some people read what they want to read! Good job you're not a judge!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bteng83 · 18/10/2021 11:33

@callmeadoctor

OP not forthcoming with any thoughts or any other info. So thread is now a bit of a waste of time IMO.
Ok, im not on the Internet 24/7 and didn't expect this many replies.

I don't think I'm going to dump her an move on, I have just made my feelings clear and will support any decision she makes.

In regards to the snip? If I could click my fingers and it was done I'd do it. But going into hospital scares me very much.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 11:34

@Bteng83

Ok. Good luck with abstinence then.

PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 11:36

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Bteng83

Ok. Good luck with abstinence then.[/quote]
It doesn’t need to be abstinence. Condoms work well. The op just needs to accept if there is an accidental pregnancy, he won’t be the one making the decision about whether to keep the baby.

user1470132907 · 18/10/2021 11:40

Snip is a tiny procedure under local anaesthetic. You either need to prepare for a kid or get over your fear of a very minor procedure.

I am always wary of men who say they never want more kids but won’t get the snip. Smacks of waiting for a better offer to come along…

user1470132907 · 18/10/2021 11:41

Condoms work well, but not well enough to be 100%, and she shouldn’t have to be dealing with morning after pill or abortion when she actually wants a kid

PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 11:42

@user1470132907

Condoms work well, but not well enough to be 100%, and she shouldn’t have to be dealing with morning after pill or abortion when she actually wants a kid
Which is why I said the op needs to realise she would be the one deciding what to do in the event of a failure.
AdobeWanKenobi · 18/10/2021 11:45

If I could click my fingers and it was done I'd do it. But going into hospital scares me very much

No hospitals involved. Your local clinics carry out vasectomies.

PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 11:52

@AdobeWanKenobi

If I could click my fingers and it was done I'd do it. But going into hospital scares me very much

No hospitals involved. Your local clinics carry out vasectomies.

To be fair, many vasectomies are done in hospitals and there’s a long waiting list on the nhs.
Lachimolala · 18/10/2021 12:01

Every single person who has told OP to, 'take control of the contraception' has implied that they think the OP's partner is untrustworthy at worst, or unreliable at best

Not true, I think he should take control of the contraception because it would be unreasonably cruel to make her prevent something she appears to desperately want.

A loving partner wouldn’t do that, I think a vasectomy is the only way forward. Condoms aren’t foolproof and can become expensive, it’s up to the OP what he chooses but he needs to be the one doing it.

Though after reading the update that he won’t get a vasectomy because he’s scared of hospitals is making me think twice about his intentions.

@Bteng83 it’s a very quick procedure it takes minutes, and often you can get done in outpatient clinics. My ex had his done in a smaller clinic where we live, miles away from any hospital. You could even go private. You often don’t need to go into hospital for one these days, and they let you free within the hour.

This is something you should give some serious consideration to because condoms are not foolproof and if your partner were to become pregnant again what would happen then?

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 18/10/2021 12:27

@RedToothBrush

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire

Why is the responsibility for ending the relationship with her?

If you are continuing to have sex with her - keeping in mind you have already managed to get her pregnant once, you are completely out of order.

If you love her and respect her and know this is what she really wants you wouldn't be fucking with her head. Then you blame it on her mental health and her job.

Get the fuck over yourself.

Take responsibility, respect her feelings are also important on this and end it yourself if its that much of a deal breaker for you.

@RedToothBrush I agree with this entirely.

@Bteng83, it's time for you to take some responsibility. Your girlfriend deserves more than this.

You really need to consider separating.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 18/10/2021 12:31

@Bteng83 I also don't like the way you talk about her miscarriage. You sound so disinterested, like it was nothing to do with you

You're talking about a child, which would have been your child. Grow up.

Regularsizedrudy · 18/10/2021 12:31

“In regards to the snip? If I could click my fingers and it was done I'd do it. But going into hospital scares me very much.”

Oh grow up. Does it scare you more than having a baby?

sospspsp · 18/10/2021 13:00

@Regularsizedrudy

“In regards to the snip? If I could click my fingers and it was done I'd do it. But going into hospital scares me very much.”

Oh grow up. Does it scare you more than having a baby?

Echoing grow up and take responsibility like an adult!
vivainsomnia · 18/10/2021 13:09

Echoing grow up and take responsibility like an adult!
Yes, it's ok for women to be scared of getting a smear test, deserve all the sympathy but a man getting a vasectomy, a total wimp!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/10/2021 13:12

In regards to the snip? If I could click my fingers and it was done I'd do it. But going into hospital scares me very much.

More scary than becoming a father when you don't want to?

If women could click our fingers and not have painful periods, painful labour, menopause symptoms etc etc we would too. But unfortunately life ain't fair!

Sidehustle99 · 18/10/2021 13:15

@vivainsomnia
That's ridiculous of course men getting vasectomy get support and sympathy.
Men who won't take their part in family planning though - no. FYI nobody enjoys hospitals.

Theunamedcat · 18/10/2021 13:21

Going into hospital "scares you?" You realise it's a day patient thing usually done at a centre rather than a hospital your not put under anaesthetic your numbed up and snipped it takes minutes then you go home be careful for several months give over some samples for testing get the all clear and your done

Honestly if your not prepared to do that then you should leave find someone who doesn't want children