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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SHE WANTS A CHILD, I DONT!

524 replies

Bteng83 · 16/10/2021 08:36

Hi,

Straight to the point..we are 38&36. I have a 14yo she has a 6yo. We have been together 3 years.

She really wants a child, I 100% don't. She works with babies in her job.

Early this year She fell pregnant by accident, she lots the child at 12 weeks.

She works with babies at work and its affecting her work and mental health. There are other areas she can work but she says they are short staffed an keep her there. (Nhs)

We love each other, I have said that I'm not the one for her if she does want another child, and I would never stop her in her decision to leave me to fulfil that desire. Although I would rather have her with me.
Please any advice ? It's a big issue between us.

Sorry for the brief description. Thankyou

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/10/2021 13:24

Forcing her to choose between the man she loves and the baby she yearns for is nasty imho

Wakemeuuuup · 18/10/2021 13:27

Not wanting children is fine but contraception is 100% your responsibility then.

You can't expect her to pump hormones into her body or even be upset if she does get pregnant if you haven't taken responsibility to stop pregnancy

Lockheart · 18/10/2021 13:28

@Theunamedcat

Forcing her to choose between the man she loves and the baby she yearns for is nasty imho
He's not forcing her and there's nothing nasty about it. She is unfortunately in a zero-sum game, through no fault of OPs. Either she loses him or she gives up the idea of another baby. Whatever happens, she's going to be upset, and that's of no-ones making.

The only way she would be happy is for OP to agree to have a child, which is not a sensible course of action when one parent doesn't want one.

PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 13:30

Forcing her to choose between the man she loves and the baby she yearns for is nasty imho

What’s the alternating? Him being forced into having a child he doesn’t want?

WaltzingBetty · 18/10/2021 13:33

@Theunamedcat

Forcing her to choose between the man she loves and the baby she yearns for is nasty imho
So what's your actual advice and solution @Theunamedcat ?
Sidehustle99 · 18/10/2021 13:40

It really depends when OP had the realisation he doesn't want more DC. Was it before or after the accident? Because I think that puts a very different slant on the whole situation. He commented he had said... but not when it was said. His DP has been through a lot and won't welcome an ultimatum like this for a while I suspect. Most women would not want a DC with a man so disengaged.

vivainsomnia · 18/10/2021 14:43

@Sidehustle99, you missed the point I was making.

OP is now getting a rough time for saying he is scared of going to hospital for a vasectomy.

I'm saying that it's no different to women saying they are scared of going for a smear test, but when they do, they get sympathy for how they feel, not made to be wimps.

Sidehustle99 · 18/10/2021 14:52

[quote vivainsomnia]@Sidehustle99, you missed the point I was making.

OP is now getting a rough time for saying he is scared of going to hospital for a vasectomy.

I'm saying that it's no different to women saying they are scared of going for a smear test, but when they do, they get sympathy for how they feel, not made to be wimps.[/quote]
Reply - no you are missing the point. Smears, birth, periods etc are not optional for women. A vasectomy is for a man and so many won't do it because they don't want too/scared etc- that's the point. Also very quick to point the finger when accidents so happen and blame to DP for the pregnancy that have had an active part in creating.

CounsellorTroi · 18/10/2021 15:04

Erm, birth is optional.

Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 15:05

@CounsellorTroi

Erm, birth is optional.
What are the options for birth?
CounsellorTroi · 18/10/2021 15:09

Meant pregnancy is optional……

Sidehustle99 · 18/10/2021 15:11

@CounsellorTroi
No not always

Pumperthepumper · 18/10/2021 15:13

@CounsellorTroi

Meant pregnancy is optional……
That poster didn’t say pregnancy wasn’t optional.
PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 15:53

Smears, birth, periods etc are not optional for women.

Smears are optional. Staying pregnant is optional and there are many options to limit the chance of pregnancy.

Theunamedcat · 18/10/2021 16:33

My advice is the same as I said before either get the snip or let her go because unless tou take the "babies" off the table she won't go because one day you might change your mind ive met women going through this they think because he HASNT had the snip or he DOESNT stop sleeping with her that there is potential there is hope then they are destroyed when a few years later the man still hadn't changed there mind and its now too late for her to have a baby if he has a vasectomy she will either accept it and move on or dump him and move on

beautifulview · 18/10/2021 16:40

I don’t understand. How did you get together? Surely you had that chat? She was pregnant and lost the baby so you wanted the baby then? You’ve since changed your mind? After building a life with her? That’s pretty cruel really. I’m not impressed. If that’s the case then you should man up in my opinion and finish with her rather than waste her remaining fertile years.

HaveringWavering · 18/10/2021 18:30

What does that even mean “I will support her whatever decision she makes”?

If she decides she wants a baby you will go along with that then?

Also, scared of hospital for the snip? Bloody hell, what a wuss.

PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 18:32

Also, scared of hospital for the snip? Bloody hell, what a wuss.

You would never say this to a woman worried about going to hospital for procedure on her intimate parts. Biscuit

HaveringWavering · 18/10/2021 18:37

@PurpleDaisies

Also, scared of hospital for the snip? Bloody hell, what a wuss.

You would never say this to a woman worried about going to hospital for procedure on her intimate parts. Biscuit

I would actually. I’ve had procedures, my family have had procedures, I know lots of doctors. I have no time for people scared of routine surgeries.
PurpleDaisies · 18/10/2021 18:45

I have no time for people scared of routine surgeries.

What a lovely person you must be.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 18/10/2021 18:50

@Bteng83 so, you don't want a baby, but you'll 'support her in whatever decision she makes?'

Well, I think she's made herself quite clear, don't you? she wants a baby, ideally with you.

You really need to either leave her or have the snip and stay with her, and get over yourself while you're at it, because you sound like a child.

Sidehustle99 · 18/10/2021 18:53

@CounsellorTroi

Meant pregnancy is optional……
It really isn't - rape, coercive control, withholding contraception, forced marriage, cultural pressure, guilt, shame.
Shizen · 18/10/2021 20:30

@Bteng83 - you are not wrong to not want another child, or to have been silently relieved that your partner had a miscarriage.

You absolutely are in the wrong if you stay with her and expect her to shoulder the burden for contraception, or know that you will put pressure on her to abort if she becomes pregnant again

As has been pointed out… the only options to 100% prevent pregnancy are abstinence or sterilisation of one or both of you. Clearly you can’t expect her to be sterilised, so if you won’t do it, and you stay with her, you need to be ok with her deciding to keep any future accidental pregnancies.

There is nothing man hating about this reply - it’s factual

CounsellorTroi · 18/10/2021 20:36

@PurpleDaisies

Also, scared of hospital for the snip? Bloody hell, what a wuss.

You would never say this to a woman worried about going to hospital for procedure on her intimate parts. Biscuit

This. Women nervous about medical procedures get nothing but sympathy. Men are told they are wimps and to man up. Appalling double standards.
tootootaataa · 18/10/2021 20:37

[quote Shizen]@Bteng83 - you are not wrong to not want another child, or to have been silently relieved that your partner had a miscarriage.

You absolutely are in the wrong if you stay with her and expect her to shoulder the burden for contraception, or know that you will put pressure on her to abort if she becomes pregnant again

As has been pointed out… the only options to 100% prevent pregnancy are abstinence or sterilisation of one or both of you. Clearly you can’t expect her to be sterilised, so if you won’t do it, and you stay with her, you need to be ok with her deciding to keep any future accidental pregnancies.

There is nothing man hating about this reply - it’s factual[/quote]
This. When this was DH and I, I told him under no circumstances was it fair to expect me to actively prevent something I wanted so badly. So he took over contraception.

We went on to have two more children.

Just saying.

FYI, I was sterilized during csection with last child.

If you are not willing to do what it takes, and don't want to leave her, then prepare yourself for more children.

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