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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:
TheFairPrincess · 15/10/2021 13:15

You say "perfect world" I say "basic bare minimum standards"

TheFairPrincess · 15/10/2021 13:16

However grim this guy is, why do we need to pull down and drag on the sex worker? Who for all you know, was working on the streets and is on Only Fans because she won’t ACTUALLY run the risk of getting raped and murdered online? Nobody is better than her, whether they’re the OP or a poster

Exactly. He is the the cheater. This woman has literally nothing to do with it.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/10/2021 13:19

The fact that he pays for this, and has chosen a woman who looks like you, suggests that he sees women as objects, i mean what are you, a doll to play with ? So now he has the sex acts on demand version ? Horrible.
You are right to boot him out OP.

Rivermonsters · 15/10/2021 13:27

@Shade17 you’re either Bill Clinton or thick with that attitude. It’s cheating, dumbo

Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 13:28

@oiltrader
I have an open mind. I used to work in the sex industry. I have friends who were cam girls and used to be friendly with people who did porn.

Watching porn is a boundary for some. For others it’s ok because your partner doesn’t know that person, hasn’t interacted with that person, hasn’t spent hundreds on that person.

What he has done has paid for someone to basically pretend to be his lover. So they can masterbate together while she says his name. He sends her messages and money. The majority of people would say if you’re talking to someone, masterbating together calling each other’s names it’s cheating. Just because it’s on a screen and not in a hotel room makes no difference.

MrMrsJones · 15/10/2021 13:32

@oiltrader

I'm assuming you would be perfectly happy for your GF/wife to wank off for other men, or to watch other men walking off saying her name.

Messaging the same man and having private dances?

Spending household money on these acts..

Because hey, she is stressed

HarrisonStickle · 15/10/2021 13:37

I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

Keep sight of this when he's begging you to take him back.

oiltrader · 15/10/2021 13:38

[quote MrMrsJones]@oiltrader

I'm assuming you would be perfectly happy for your GF/wife to wank off for other men, or to watch other men walking off saying her name.

Messaging the same man and having private dances?

Spending household money on these acts..

Because hey, she is stressed[/quote]
I didn't say its perfect but its understandable.

RunningToHeaven · 15/10/2021 13:43

I didn't say its perfect but its understandable

Understandable? It’s really not.

Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 13:49

@oiltrader
Is it still understandable if he pays a woman £200, they meet up in a hotel room. Never touch but pleasure themselves saying the other ones names.
Then continue to message, sometimes meet up where he watches her and pleasures himself.
Watches the videos in his marital bed where he gets off on it again, planning the next time they can meet up.

But they don’t ever touch each other so it’s ok right?

Rivermonsters · 15/10/2021 13:57

@oiltrader oh dear there’s another one on this thread….I have stress going on, does that give me the right to break someone does boundaries etc? No. MH ain’t an excuse to be a prick, if he needs help he must help himself

SavageTomato · 15/10/2021 14:12

Hey, @oiltrader, do you have a daughter, sister, niece or mother, who you'd be happy if they did that work, even recommend it as a job? Would you do it yourself? If not, to either question, why not? After all, it's just stress relief for the poor ickle menz, right? What would be okay for women who are stressed, seeing as many of us don't get off on watching men perform, would it be okay for us to just have an affair to fill that void, cos we're stressed?

oiltrader · 15/10/2021 14:14

@SavageTomato

Hey, *@oiltrader*, do you have a daughter, sister, niece or mother, who you'd be happy if they did that work, even recommend it as a job? Would you do it yourself? If not, to either question, why not? After all, it's just stress relief for the poor ickle menz, right? What would be okay for women who are stressed, seeing as many of us don't get off on watching men perform, would it be okay for us to just have an affair to fill that void, cos we're stressed?
not for me to judge their career choices. live and let live I say
holibobs12 · 15/10/2021 14:18

@TheFairPrincess

However grim this guy is, why do we need to pull down and drag on the sex worker? Who for all you know, was working on the streets and is on Only Fans because she won’t ACTUALLY run the risk of getting raped and murdered online? Nobody is better than her, whether they’re the OP or a poster

Exactly. He is the the cheater. This woman has literally nothing to do with it.

Because all those crying about how misogynistic the husband is are exactly the same. It has nothing to do with the ethics of porn if you're hear shaming a sex worker

The very same you claim are vulnerable and exploitedHmm

Just jealously at the thought of ones partner tugging over another woman.

MrMrsJones · 15/10/2021 14:18

@oiltrader

You didnt answer my question!!

TheFairPrincess · 15/10/2021 14:21

I'm really interested in why you think that is understandable @oiltrader, genuinely. I'm confused about how one makes the logical leap of cheating or actually any sexual activity being the answer to stress. There just isn't any logic behind it is there?

It's what men who want to cheat say because they are aware that society frowns upon it generally so they need to have some kind of mitigating factor behind it.

oiltrader · 15/10/2021 14:22

[quote MrMrsJones]@oiltrader

You didnt answer my question!![/quote]
my partners have done so.. doesn't bother me. not as insecure as many on here seem

TheFairPrincess · 15/10/2021 14:26

my partners have done so.. doesn't bother me. not as insecure as many on here seem

On the contrary your security and self esteem sound so low that you are trying to justify this obviously appalling behaviour as perfectly normal and to be expected of men :(

My partner is sexually attracted to me. If he was seeking release elsewhere to the point of repeatedly contacting the same woman, that would be an enormous problem to me, sexually and emotionally.

I promise you, this is not an issue of being insecure. It's about expecting to be treated with a certain level of respect and care.

Journeyofthedragons · 15/10/2021 14:27

would it be okay for us to just have an affair to fill that void, cos we're stressed?

Not really the same thing, OF is a (disputable) one way emotional transaction.

JHnut · 15/10/2021 14:28

Maybe he's not getting enough action at home. As we all know here a man's libido needs a regular good seeing to.....

NumberTheory · 15/10/2021 14:32

Not unreasonable. I'd consider it cheating too. And the fixation with one woman makes it more serious.

DirtyDancing · 15/10/2021 14:35

@Thepurpleturtle

but she's a better version of me and that really hurts

But she’s not a better version of you- she fingers herself on camera for £18

Exactly this! Trust me her and him are nothing compared to you. Never ever think anything differently
oiltrader · 15/10/2021 14:37

@JHnut

Maybe he's not getting enough action at home. As we all know here a man's libido needs a regular good seeing to.....
fair point
Original poster
middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 14:45

@TheVanguardSix

But she’s not a better version of you- she fingers herself on camera for £18 Fuck yes!!! Put it on a post-it note on the mirror, OP, and remember this!
Thank you. I will write this on my forehead in sharpie
OP posts:
DarlingFell · 15/10/2021 14:56

Yuk. Your DP is utterly grim. Please don't take him back at any point, you deserve better. All women deserve better than this.

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