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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting 5 year old to write lots of thank you cards... WWYD? AIBU?

242 replies

cloudlessbluesky · 14/10/2021 19:47

I was brought up to write thank you cards whenever I got presents from relatives or friends of my parents. It was just the done thing in our house. I still write them after my birthday and Christmas, or any other time someone buys me a present.
I'm trying to bring up my son to do the same (and with good manners in general, something very lacking in most of his peers I've meet so far).
Trouble is, how on earth can I keep him motivated in writing about 20 (on average!) thank you cards to relatives? Writing out pretty much the same thing in each? I try to do it over a couple of weeks so he's not doing too many at once (very limited attention span). I just find it so draining, started them last night and it took almost an hour to get him to write "Dear X.. thank you very much for my present. Love from X".
Aaarrgh!
Any other parents find this stressful?

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 15/10/2021 13:14

I got the impression it was more about fishing for parenting award comments or feeling superior as a parent than teaching us to be grateful.

I get the feeling these days this statement would cover most people who are forcing their small children to write thank you letters. I'm certainly dubious it's because they actually believe it's respectful or a sign of good manners.

Dojacatpaws · 15/10/2021 13:16

I don't like receiving them, it's always a real anticlimax

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 13:25

PinkWaferBiscuit
Even in the OP we see that attitude of my children are respectful and we bring them up to have manners, but the other parents don't.

Expressing thanks and displaying gratitude has nothing to do with young children writing cards so that their parents can pat themselves on the back for how their children are so much more polite than other children and by extention how they must be much better parents than those rude parents who allow their children to Facetime their aunty to say thank you and share their delight in the present

JudgeJ · 15/10/2021 13:27

@Greenmarmalade

Maybe just get him to sign them and stick on the stamps?
You can get some very good personalised thank you cards, message and a photo of him, he can just write Love, Name xx on the bottom. It may be the 21st century but it doesn't mean that manners have ceased to exist.
PinkWaferBiscuit · 15/10/2021 13:41

It may be the 21st century but it doesn't mean that manners have ceased to exist.

No one is saying its unacceptable to say thank you when given a gift or that manners are not important. Confused Most of us are just pointing out a thank you letter is not the sole way of showing your gratitude.

Even in the OP we see that attitude of my children are respectful and we bring them up to have manners, but the other parents don't.

Exactly. I'm very confused that several posters seem to think having manners is intrinsically linked with a physical letter of thanks.

Wazzzzzzzup · 15/10/2021 13:53

Do Brits not say thank you when getting the gift? Because if they do, I don't see how someone then lacks mannersConfused

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 13:55

Exactly. I'm very confused that several posters seem to think having manners is intrinsically linked with a physical letter of thanks
I'm also confused by it.
How can forcing a young child to write cards, to the point where advice is needed from mumsnet on how to motivate them through the process, promoting gratitude more than calling the friend/relative to say thank you and talk about how much they appreciate the present?

Aria999 · 15/10/2021 15:17

I just text to say thanks. All people really need to know is that it arrived and they liked it.

Sometimes if he really likes something DS will get me to make a short video of him playing with it/ opening it and saying thanks.

LampLighter414 · 15/10/2021 15:20

They say thank you at the time when they receive the gift (if the giver is there) otherwise I think the next opportunity when they see them, they should say thank you. Othewise the communication is via you the next time you text or phone call - drop in that DC says thank you or let them talk on the phone for a minute.

Writing cards... no thanks.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/10/2021 15:26

Print something off, maybe with a picture, and get your child to sign it if you want something physical. Otherwise recording them on WhatsApp is fine!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/10/2021 15:27

Even when I was little (80s) we would just thank people on the phone.

TarpaulinEyes · 15/10/2021 15:50

I don't care how thanks comes as long as it does. I have some young relatives who never acknowledged presents. I don't bother sending them now and am happy to explain why if I am ever asked.

KitchenKrisis · 15/10/2021 16:36

Most people seem to what's app the messages now.

CecilyP · 15/10/2021 17:10

I just find it so draining, started them last night and it took almost an hour to get him to write "Dear X.. thank you very much for my present. Love from X".

What do expect; he’s only 5. Is this a stealth boast or something- ‘my 5 year old’s so clever he can write all these cards.’

Aaarrgh
Any other parents find this stressful?

Aaarrgh, the faux naivety! I’m sure none of the givers expect a handwritten card from a 5 year old. Did you write 20 cards on his behalf last year?

CecilyP · 15/10/2021 17:17

I usually wattsapp a photo of my child enjoying the gift, which is much nicer to receive than some painfully written note.

That sounds like a much better idea!

samwitwicky · 15/10/2021 17:31

I think the only thing you're being unreasonable about is making him do it.

You may have been brought up doing this, and as lovely as it is, times have changed.

I thought about getting DS to do it this year but he's been to several parties and not one child has sent a thank you.

If it matters to you, maybe sent a message or a voice recording / video?

If it REALLY matters to you, write the cards for him so all he needs to do is sign his name on them.

But I'd think twice about pushing this on him to make it something he carries through life. It's very unlikely he'll do it in this day and age

DriftingBlue · 15/10/2021 17:34

It’s too much writing at that age. At 5, I just had my dd sign them and if she was inclined, draw a picture.

BrownOwlknowsbest · 15/10/2021 17:37

Plenty of printable thank you cards on-line like these www.activityvillage.co.uk/pirate-thank-you-notes Saves a lot of actual writing. Or you could fill them in and let your child sign them Smile

FlyingPandas · 15/10/2021 17:49

What you do OP is you get him to write one - ONE - nicely written note on plain paper, saying something along the lines of 'Thank you for my lovely present. It is great! Love from DSName' along with a little picture or something.

Then you photograph the note with your phone. You scan it onto your computer, quickly copy and paste onto a word document, resize it so you can print 6 or so per A4 page, print off as many as you need, cut them up, bung in envelopes and away you go. Personalised thank you note for everyone with minimal pain.

Top tip is get them to write the sentence using a coloured pencil because that comes out really well and no-one will know they're getting a photocopy.

I've always got my children to send handwritten thank yous at primary age (as do most of our family and friends if I'm honest) but there is no need to put anyone through hours of misery!

Laitdenoix · 15/10/2021 18:03

@MayorGundersonsDogRufus

We do thank you videos.
That's even weirder! Unless your child loves performing for the camera, I guess. Young kids are learning way too soon to perform and act for the camera. Today, at the Sainsbury's shelf check out two girls who looked like they were 8 or 9 were doing all sorts of TikTok type crappy dances in front of the security camera. They see a camera and feel the most obvious thing to do is to perform. It makes me uncomfortable.
Imposterish · 15/10/2021 18:04

This is such easy “journalism” - it’s tempting to believe the OP is collecting material for a lifestyle story.

JustLyra · 15/10/2021 18:30

@Imposterish

This is such easy “journalism” - it’s tempting to believe the OP is collecting material for a lifestyle story.
You could say that about most threads on here
Saoirse82 · 15/10/2021 19:13

I was always made to phone relatives to say thank you, I especially hated it when I got to my teenage awkward years and it was family I hadn't seen in a long time. I do think it's very important to say thank you though but a WhatsApp message or even better a voice note from your son would suffice. As pps have pointed out we have to move with the times.

Polkadots2021 · 15/10/2021 19:14

@cloudlessbluesky

I was brought up to write thank you cards whenever I got presents from relatives or friends of my parents. It was just the done thing in our house. I still write them after my birthday and Christmas, or any other time someone buys me a present. I'm trying to bring up my son to do the same (and with good manners in general, something very lacking in most of his peers I've meet so far). Trouble is, how on earth can I keep him motivated in writing about 20 (on average!) thank you cards to relatives? Writing out pretty much the same thing in each? I try to do it over a couple of weeks so he's not doing too many at once (very limited attention span). I just find it so draining, started them last night and it took almost an hour to get him to write "Dear X.. thank you very much for my present. Love from X". Aaarrgh! Any other parents find this stressful?
This sucks the joy out of getting the gifts. Please don't make him do this. He's too little.
Polkadots2021 · 15/10/2021 19:15

It sounds very performance parenty.

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