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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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5yr old dropped baby

333 replies

MrsMummyMouse · 14/10/2021 16:27

Not really an AIBU but I am fuming and need help/calming down before I act (again)….but feel free to tell me if you think IABU if you so wish.

I was washing up in the kitchen while DD2 (3months) in her swing & DD1 (5) in the front room right opposite. I hear DD1 a couple of times say “and back down”, assuming she means the swing I pop my head back expecting to see them ‘playing’ as usual except I see DD2 slightly lifted by DD1 arms which she quickly removes sending DD2 flying back down in her swing. This is obviously what she was doing with the “and down again”, lifting her up and dropping her down!! I was so shocked/mad I screamed at DD1 and pulled her away to the stairs and told her I didn’t want to see her and she should go to her room. DD2 seems ok but god knows how many times she was dropped back Sad. DD2 is our long tried for/awaited rainbow baby so maybe I was too much and overreacted? I’m not sure though so need to know how I deal with DD1 now?

OP posts:
CrystalBird · 14/10/2021 17:37

This thread needs reporting because some of you are literally hysterical. The projection going on is unbelievable.

Rheia1983 · 14/10/2021 17:38

@Rheia1983

Actually I do, including and up a father who tried killing my mother before my eyes as a 4-year old child. I was also screamed at and made responsible for things at the age of 5. Hence my reaction and opinion of the OP's actions.
This was in reply to @ButterflyBitch
BareGrylls · 14/10/2021 17:38

@MistyFrequencies

There's an uncomfortable undertone to this that sounds like your 3 month old is more important/cherished than your 5 year old. I feel quite sad for your 5 year old.
This. I hate the phrase rainbow baby anyway but why is one child more important or precious than another.
Derbee · 14/10/2021 17:40

[quote LittleMysSister]@Derbee Yes it is.

I do not believe there are many parents who at one time or another haven't reached the end of their tether or panicked and shouted at their child.[/quote]
I find it very disturbing that you think it’s normal to lose your temper and shout at your 5 year old that you don’t want to see them. Very sad.

LavenderYellow · 14/10/2021 17:41

@toolazytothinkofausername

I recommend the Parenting Puzzle Course. I completed it at my local children's centre and it was very beneficial.
This looks excellent!
LittleMysSister · 14/10/2021 17:41

Agree with @riotlady and @CrystalBird - some of these responses are mad.

It is not abusive to tell your child off or make them go to their room if they're in trouble. Yes, OP panicked and lost her temper in the moment and she wishes she hadn't, but it's done now and she can explain to her DD5 why she was so frightened when she saw what she was doing and apologise for shouting.

sillysmiles · 14/10/2021 17:41

@BareGrylls - as an aside, what's the problem with the phrase rainbow baby?

LittleMysSister · 14/10/2021 17:42

I find it very disturbing that you think it’s normal to lose your temper and shout at your 5 year old that you don’t want to see them.

Well I'm guessing OP said it in a 'go to your room, get out of my sight' kind of way and not a 'I never want to see you again due to this' kind of way!

NameChangeWithACold · 14/10/2021 17:43

Hi all

I'm super sad about this thread too, but OP has been honest and admitted she was wrong and is asking how to be a better parent. She said she's scared of turning into her abusive dad.

OP, I'm not sure where's the best place to seek help - maybe health visitor is a good start - show her this thread so she can look after you a bit too.

OP, maybe leave the thread now so you don't feel worse than you already do Flowers

Bizawit · 14/10/2021 17:44

@LittleMysSister

Honestly sometimes on here it's like people have never snapped and shouted at their children before!
It’s not just that OP screamed at her DD, it’s that she told her she didn’t want to see her , and that she seemed to have no concept that any of this was wrong until other people told her??! Her original post laid all the blame on DD and asked how she should deal with her?? This wasn’t just a case of shouting in the heat of the moment out of stress , it was a more disturbing lack of insight into how horribly she had treated her five year old.
Derbee · 14/10/2021 17:45

Well I'm guessing OP said it in a 'go to your room, get out of my sight' kind of way

I have never, and will never say this to a little child. But I suppose everyone parents differently .

RedMarauder · 14/10/2021 17:45

OP can you ask for this thread to be deleted?

While there are lots of helpful posters and nice stories about siblings on it, too many people have now started being abusive for the sake of it.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 14/10/2021 17:45

There's lots of issues from abusive parents that we don't realise we have until we become a parent and it's exactly in those panicked, unguarded moments that they will resurface.

BananaPB · 14/10/2021 17:46

I hope that the rainbow baby bit was just her trying not to drip feed (a crime that gets many people here annoyed) and a clumsy attempt at explaining why her anxiety levels are so high. Most mums with 3 months old might have mum brain and struggle to articulate thoughts accurately.

suspiria777 · 14/10/2021 17:46

@SnackSizeRaisin

She's 5. It's your fault not your daughter's. Anyway the baby would be crying if it was too forceful.
This!!!!!

You were very harsh to your first child. I bet she think you don't like her.

Inastatus · 14/10/2021 17:46

@CoalCraft

A 3 month old should not be left unattended with a 5 year old. This is your fuck up, OP, not your older child's, and then you fucked up again by massively overreacting and probably upsetting and scaring her.

We all screw up, though. Check your youngest over, then go and apologise to your oldest. Moving forward, don't leave the two together unsupervised until they're older.

This!
sleeponeday · 14/10/2021 17:46

I don't think you're anything but a loving parent, who was frightened to realise her 3 month old might have been harmed, and feels awful about instinctive anger that's beyond the fair to your other little girl. You're human, and apologising to your little girl now, and saying you know you weren't fair, you just love them both so much that the thought of anything bad happening to either is frightening, but that you overreacted and you are so very sorry, is fine. All parents over react sometimes. It's a chance to teach your eldest that when we do behave badly, on rare occasions, we acknowledge it, apologise, and do better, and the sky doesn't fall in.

I'm more worried about some of the posters on here. With cruel streaks that pronounced, who knows how they speak to their children, and with the apparently off the charts levels of self deception necessary to enjoy behaving as they have done here to you while blithely pretending to themselves that they're just thinking of the child...! they can justify pretty much anything they choose to do, on the grounds that it's good for the victim/someone else. Wince-inducing, and please ignore the Dementors.

You're a good mum who had a bad moment, solely from horror at an unexpected, immediate risk to your very small baby. That's a human instinct, and you can sort it with your little girl. Extra cuddles, and clarity on you being the one in the wrong, and it will be fine.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 14/10/2021 17:47

@MrsMummyMouse

Thank you for the book recommendations/help. I didn’t think I had anything to ‘unpack’ in regards to my dad but perhaps I do. I actually have a HV appt coming up so I will discuss it to her, even if it was a one off it can’t hurt I suppose
@MrsMummyMouse, take a breath.

You’ve recognised it was a bad situation/reaction, asked for opinions on here, taken on board the advice given and are serious about learning from it (and changing if need be). There’s not really much more you can do, as a mum or a human being.

You made a mistake, we all do Flowers

sillysmiles · 14/10/2021 17:47

It’s not just that OP screamed at her DD, it’s that she told her she didn’t want to see her , and that she seemed to have no concept that any of this was wrong until other people told her??! Her original post laid all the blame on DD and asked how she should deal with her?? This wasn’t just a case of shouting in the heat of the moment out of stress , it was a more disturbing lack of insight into how horribly she had treated her five year old.

Or she got a fright and posted in the heat of the moment.

CrystalBird · 14/10/2021 17:48

@RedMarauder I agree with you. I started reporting some of the posts from quite frankly, barking mad people who should feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves - but it was too big a task as this thread has brought out some damaged and abusive people

Toottooot · 14/10/2021 17:49

For fucks sake - she has more than admitted she’s in the wrong and is clearly gutted about what she’s done and is desperate to rectify and not repeat the situation. Maybe some of you should read a little beyond the first post and stop being such nasty bitches. I swear some of you get a kick out of sticking the boot in.

Bizawit · 14/10/2021 17:50

@sillysmiles

It’s not just that OP screamed at her DD, it’s that she told her she didn’t want to see her , and that she seemed to have no concept that any of this was wrong until other people told her??! Her original post laid all the blame on DD and asked how she should deal with her?? This wasn’t just a case of shouting in the heat of the moment out of stress , it was a more disturbing lack of insight into how horribly she had treated her five year old.

Or she got a fright and posted in the heat of the moment.

She typed all of that out!! That’s not shouting in the heat of the moment. She got herself onto mumsnet and set up an Aibu thread. She had enough time to think.
MrsMummyMouse · 14/10/2021 17:50

Last post from me now - thank you for the additional resources posted, I’ll be looking into those.

I did apologise and make it up to DD1

OP posts:
Echobelly · 14/10/2021 17:50

I think it's unfair to accuse OP of being favouritist - it's simply that a 3 month old is a bit fragile and it would have been a bit of a scare to see older sibling playing in a way that might have gone a wrong. She was just trying to explain, as she said, why she might be being ultra-sensitive about the baby, not declaring she doesn't care about 5 yo. Please think before throwing about such harsh accusations.

Those laying into her for leaving the baby out of view are being a OTT in my view, she left baby in what she assumed was a safe place and made the fairly natural assumption that 5yo was just pushing her in swing.

wavecatcher · 14/10/2021 17:50

And that is how you start sibling rivalry and resentment!
Honestly you just need to explain about being gentle and be more watchful.