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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

5yr old dropped baby

333 replies

MrsMummyMouse · 14/10/2021 16:27

Not really an AIBU but I am fuming and need help/calming down before I act (again)….but feel free to tell me if you think IABU if you so wish.

I was washing up in the kitchen while DD2 (3months) in her swing & DD1 (5) in the front room right opposite. I hear DD1 a couple of times say “and back down”, assuming she means the swing I pop my head back expecting to see them ‘playing’ as usual except I see DD2 slightly lifted by DD1 arms which she quickly removes sending DD2 flying back down in her swing. This is obviously what she was doing with the “and down again”, lifting her up and dropping her down!! I was so shocked/mad I screamed at DD1 and pulled her away to the stairs and told her I didn’t want to see her and she should go to her room. DD2 seems ok but god knows how many times she was dropped back Sad. DD2 is our long tried for/awaited rainbow baby so maybe I was too much and overreacted? I’m not sure though so need to know how I deal with DD1 now?

OP posts:
FinallyDecided · 14/10/2021 17:29

Your poor poor child :( the fact you did this and needed us to tell you you were being abusive is quite frightening. What the hell were you thinking screaming at a 5 year old, pulling her and telling her you didn't want to see her again? She's a child!!! My mother was just like you. We are NC. I just feel sick reading this. You won't be able to do this too many times before your children hate you. Fix it now. Get help.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 14/10/2021 17:30

Leaving two kids that age alone is just silly. A baby is a live dolly to a five year year old, you really do need to have her in sight at all times.

The blame really is on you here.

nanbread · 14/10/2021 17:30

Think you're getting a hard time on here tbh

It's tough to watch them 100% of the time (and you'll certainly be more aware that you need to now)

Most parents have overreacted at some point

We have an animal instinct to protect our little babies

I once found my older child bouncing up and down on my 1 year old, I went nuts

The important part is to repair the rupture with your dd1 and reassure her.

Can't believe a pp would divorce their partner for losing it at their kid once, wow

Bizawit · 14/10/2021 17:30

YABU what an awful way to treat your 5 year old. This situation is your fault , not hers. She’s a small child and doesn’t know better. It’s your responsibility to watch your children and teach your five year old DD how to be gentle with the baby. You owe your DD a massive apology , she must be feeling awful Sad

NameChangeWithACold · 14/10/2021 17:31
Sad
nanbread · 14/10/2021 17:31

@Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday

Buy a play pen and out the baby in that for the times when you have to leave them unattended. Which you will have to do from time to time.
Sensible idea
Derbee · 14/10/2021 17:31

@MrsMummyMouse you are not like your dad. You did something wrong, and mean, and you have said you will apologise.

You are aware that abusive parents exist, and you do not want the same for your children. That puts you light years away from your dad. You just need to be mindful of how you parent and make your children feel loved and safe, if you haven’t had a good example of it as a child.

The recommended books upthread are a great place to start. By being aware of your behaviour, you CAN do better, and the fact that you want to do better means that YOU are a good mum.

Take this incident as a lesson, and learn from it. It’s a great opportunity to show DD1 that you care about her, by showing that you vacant apologise when you’ve done wrong.

LittleMysSister · 14/10/2021 17:31

@loveyours

I don't think it's awful that you shouted, I'd also be furious (due to worrying/shock). Totally understandable.

At least she won't do it again. Take the opportunity to explain calmly why it was bad to do that to baby.

Agree with this.

She is little and obviously meant no harm, but I'm not surprised you panicked and told her off. She won't do it again and it's a good chance to explain why it's important she doesn't lift her sister.

FinallyDecided · 14/10/2021 17:32

This reply has been deleted

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LittleMysSister · 14/10/2021 17:32

Honestly sometimes on here it's like people have never snapped and shouted at their children before!

nanbread · 14/10/2021 17:32

@FinallyDecided

Your poor poor child :( the fact you did this and needed us to tell you you were being abusive is quite frightening. What the hell were you thinking screaming at a 5 year old, pulling her and telling her you didn't want to see her again? She's a child!!! My mother was just like you. We are NC. I just feel sick reading this. You won't be able to do this too many times before your children hate you. Fix it now. Get help.
Me thinks the lady doth project too much
Derbee · 14/10/2021 17:34

@LittleMysSister

Honestly sometimes on here it's like people have never snapped and shouted at their children before!
And this is shocking or unbelievable to you? Confused
whatfreshheck · 14/10/2021 17:34

@FinallyDecided

And for goodness sake stop minimising it!! 'Even if it's a one if it can't hurt speaking to my HV'. You didn't go too far, you aren't a good mum, you abused your child. Acknowledge it and do something about it rather than blame your children, which is classic abuser behaviour.
Jesus! That's a bit harsh! She is not an abuser and she made a mistake. Get off your high horse before your hurt yourself.

OP - ignore this post. You recognise you
Over reacted and are dealing with it. Xx

lanthanum · 14/10/2021 17:34

@MrsMummyMouse

Shit, I’m now panicking that I might be just like him. How do I do better and get it to come naturally??
This is the right way - thinking about how to do it better. Well done for asking the question and not running away from the criticism.

We've all made mistakes, and I suspect that forgetting how little older siblings understand about what they can and can't do with a baby is quite a common one. Never assume they know anything until you've told them and you've heard it back from them later (not parroted back immediately afterwards), preferably multiple times.

Rheia1983 · 14/10/2021 17:34

Actually I do, including and up a father who tried killing my mother before my eyes as a 4-year old child. I was also screamed at and made responsible for things at the age of 5. Hence my reaction and opinion of the OP's actions.

BananaPB · 14/10/2021 17:34

You're not your Dad because you feel remorse at over reacting and understand that your dd was trying to be friendly and not malicious. Kids can be very impulsive and forget how fragile babies are even if you've told them a million times so your best to keep one of them in the kitchen with you next time

It's time to model how you expect your dd to own up to mistakes that she makes in the future. You apologize, explain, give her lots of hugs and when you're feeling calmer, try to come up with alternative phrases to not wanting to see her right now because that's pretty cutting. That sort of phrase is for the serious stuff when you need time to think about what she's done and what the consequences may have to be. Eg she takes drugs

Nobody here is perfect - we can only do our best and you can come back from this.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 14/10/2021 17:34

Don’t worry too much about it @MrsMummyMouse - it’s easy to see the older child as far more grown up than they actually are, when a little one comes along. Then one day you’re reminded that they’re actually still very young themselves.

Apologise, have a cuddle and then let it go.

toolazytothinkofausername · 14/10/2021 17:34

I recommend the Parenting Puzzle Course. I completed it at my local children's centre and it was very beneficial.

Cornishclio · 14/10/2021 17:35

I think some of these comments are a bit ott but definitely you need to explain to your 5 year old you screamed at her (and should apologise for that) because you were scared the baby was inadvertently going to be hurt. Explaining to her that she needs to play gently with her as she is just a baby is a good idea but in the future it is probably better you do not leave them unattended as your five year old has no concept yet of what is safe and what isn't. Also please stop referring to your DD2 as a rainbow baby. Both DDs should be cherished equally.

DontWantTheRivalry · 14/10/2021 17:36

Oh god OP, my heart broke for your 5 year old reading your post Sad

mocktail · 14/10/2021 17:36

I really feel for both you and your daughter, who was doing nothing wrong and just playing with her baby sister.

You overreacted, yes, and need to apologise to your daughter and tell her what a good big sister she is and that you were just scared because you love them both so much and don't want any harm to come to them.

Be kind to yourself too though, parenting isn't always easy and sometimes emotions get the better of us Flowers

toolazytothinkofausername · 14/10/2021 17:36

I also recommend the Families Feeling Safe course.

PaperhouseLegs · 14/10/2021 17:36

Have you managed to go and see her yet op? Well done for acknowledging you were wrong and taking all the replies on the chin and aiming to make a change. We all make mistakes. Can you involve DD in the care of the baby (supervised closely obviously!) so she feels involved and understands how a baby should be looked after? Lots of praise and thanks for the help and then one on one time with you as well.

LittleMysSister · 14/10/2021 17:36

@Derbee Yes it is.

I do not believe there are many parents who at one time or another haven't reached the end of their tether or panicked and shouted at their child.

riotlady · 14/10/2021 17:37

@Crispanddips

Wow the way you speak you might as well give DD1 away for adoption… you only care about DD2. Poor kid, hope she doesn’t grow up knowing she wasn’t enough for you ☹️
I think you need to take a look at yourself and the kind of person you are, because this is absolutely unnecessarily cruel. Don’t kid yourself you’re saying this out of concern for the child, you just wanted to put the boot in and make sure the OP felt really fucking bad.

OP, you know you reacted badly in the moment and you’re going to work on it. I don’t think one instance of overreacting makes you an abusive parent or favouring one child. Give your DD a big cuddle and an apology and you’ll all be fine.