Fat shaming my husband

[fatshamer]

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

The thing is though, when someone has a diet like this you can't just stop buying the food/tell them they can only have one can of coke etc, because they just go out and buy it themselves??

There is literally nothing you can do when an adult wants to continue this way.

I find my DP does tend to join in a little when I put in some effort to eat healthily, so he will eat the dinners with me and at least that's cutting out some of the calories he'd normally be having, even if he's still snacking around it.

Lunch is a hard one too because many people will only accept, say, a sandwich and crisps or similar for lunch - my DP is one of those, sounds like OP's DH is too. He would never have soup, an omelette, jacket potato, egg on toast etc...all of which I have for lunch.

It's difficult to encourage change when someone isn't really bothered themselves. All you can do is carry on your own way and hope they sometimes jump on the bandwagon.

How long has he been like this?

You sound like a bitch.
You’ve decided he is a lazy man child and categorically not depressed.

However used to exercise, doesn’t now, doesn’t look after himself, disappointed in himself, ‘lazy’ - all signs of depression which is made a lot worse by a supposedly loving partner having a go at him all the time.

Stop the McDonald’s trips for little one. Tell him you support him and ask him if he should speak to the gp. Instead of having a go and moaning at him why not support him.

he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much
You say he’s not so huge that people would stare... but then you say he can’t see over his belly... that sounds big enough for people to stare. Work out his BMI and if he’s obese then yes, you need to intervene because you can’t be expected to stay married to someone who is obese. Stop buying junk food, don’t allow it in the house, and I wouldn’t be having sex with an obese person either.

@Judith0000

OP, You say your DS is eating McDonalds 2 to 3 times a week, your DH frys burgers that were meant for a family dinner and your DS is a chicken and chips type of eater. You say your DS is picky and yet you claim you eat the same foods as your DS. I wonder how healthy any of your diets are. Burgers, chicken and chips and McDonalds 3 times a week? That's 5 meals a week that are definitely not healthy. Not a single vegetable mentioned. Is this a typical week at the moment in your house?

Eating large quantities of junk food creates an addiction to junk food that is probably life long.

Burgers were for me and my husband for dinner. Not the child.

Dinners usually consist of chicken breast, veg and wholemeal pasta/rice, potatoes etc. Homemade sauce full of blended veg and red meat once a week. Not blended Veg is on the 4 year olds plate every night and he is encouraged to try it - look at mummy oh it's so yummy this is what the hulk eats coz it's green.....blah blah

I don't go to mcds midweek with them. I go on a Saturday with him and get a hot drink or the odd burger and chips if I want one.

I suggested we eat in asda cafe one day as we were out and needed lunch and my husband had a fit saying it's a waste of a takeaway let's get a Chippy instead - that's his mentality

[quote Neonplant]@fatshamer you disagree people can be healthy and fat then go on to talk about one specific example of your hus when I talk about the general and add caveats. Seems like you need to improve your reading comprehension and do some in depth research on the impact of weight on health.

If I had the audacity to shame somone for their weight I'd at the very least want to be well read on the subject which you clearly aren't. Also don't just read things which you want to in order to back up your point of view.

You've been told loads of time the fat shaming will do fuck all. Yet you are still not wanting to listen to replies. What precisely do you think fat shaming him will do? Can you describe your logic here?

Also you talk about how fat he is yet say he isn't at the stage for bariatric surgery. If you are being truthful in your description he's way beyond it. What is his bmi?[/quote]
My op literally said I had fat shamed him, was not proud of it and what else can I do to help him as this is not what I want to do?! I then said should I get involved and is this my business and then asked for advice so don't come at me telling me I want to continue to fat shame him when I don't. Kinda feel you're taking this all a bit personally.

I have no idea what his bmi is but I know his belly is a lot larger than it should and measures the same height as the 4 year old as he was messing about with a tape measure one day.

Also glad he's not at the stage for surgery - well I assume he's not - and hope never to get to that stage as I know his health is not the best based on previous docs appoints

He sounds a prince. What are his good points?

@leakymcleakleak

OP you're merging together lots of things, some of which are reasonable some of which aren't.

First: the family diet, what your DH is modelling to your son, how he's feeding your son. The McDonalds, and the other stuff, is totally unacceptable. But you're complicit in it. I can't actually believe a 4 year old is eating McDonalds once a week, and you're only concerned about it being 3 times a week. That is one area I would lay down the law, but I'm not sure you have the moral high ground. I would actually look to speak to a dietician about what your child should be eating. DH has struggled with his weight, but he is really concerned that doesn't happen with our child, so her diet is pretty perfect (she obviously gets sweet food, and chips etc, but an appropriate amount) and when we eat junk we don't do it in front of her. When she's in the house, we all eat at the table, healthy food and vegetables. What he's doing is poor parenting. And I think for your sons sake, and your new baby's sake, that's something you should and can address.

Then, in terms of health. I sat down and talked to DH about his weight a few years ago. He has lost weight, and gained it, and lost it again since then. I have done nothing to encourage it, except what he's asked me to, e.g. if he asks me not to buy certain things because I'll eat them. It took him a while but I felt ok saying: we're having a child, you have health issues that are linked to weight (blood pressure and sleep apnoea) I don't care at all what you weigh but I want you to get them under control and I expect you to do what you need to to be around for our family long term. Took no role in how he did that, and it took him a while, but he did lose about 4 stone - was still in the 'overweight' category but massive improvement health wise.

I think you've probably come about this the wrong way, as you've let lots of anger spill over. And now its an argument between you two. I don't think ignoring it helps though, esp given the affect it will be having on your son. I'd start by making taking advise about your son's diet, how to improve it - there's a book recommended on here by Bee Wilson about encouraging children to eat better, DH and I listened to it together as an audiobook. Then you set your own boundaries. personally, I'd struggle to live how you've outlined, esp given how much animosity there seems to be.

Thank you this is really helpful

@BrendaBubbles

Put him on a sex ban until he reaches a certain target weight. Speak the language men understand

Well his belly is larger than my pregnant belly so there hasn't been much choice in the matter as it seems physically impossible but that is something he has brought up with me - and not in a nice way

I don’t understand how if he’s so utterly repellent you decided to get pregnant again

He’s probably comfort eating because of your lovely fat shaming.

Work out his BMI and if he’s obese then yes, you need to intervene because you can’t be expected to stay married to someone who is obese. Stop buying junk food, don’t allow it in the house, and I wouldn’t be having sex with an obese person either.

@Marelle
So anyone who is obese doesn't deserve to be married or have sex?

Well I can tell you that I'm obese with a BMI of 31 and DH has a BMI of 41. We have no illnesses or health conditions, our marriage is great and so is our sex life.

@CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther

You said WE go to McDonald’s once a week. That’s not really sending the right message and encouraging him to be healthy if you're going to McDonald’s regularly as well. “Fat shaming” is a terrible term to use and a terrible thing to do. And calling him a pig will erode his self esteem and make him more likely to comfort eat. I told my obese husband yesterday that I’m worried he won’t be around to see our son grow up. I asked if the taste of junk food was worth leaving his son without a father? He’s said he wants to make changes now. I hope he means it this time.

Before this incident occurred I too went down the gentle route of asking him if he wanted to be around for longer and do all the things with his son like play football, coaching if he goes to a team etc and he said yes and then considered how fit he would be to do all that. He went out running and ate well for a week then went back on it.

I'm not a horrible person. Iv highlighted one incident that's happened where Iv lost my shit

@SoniaFouler

So you think if a man posted the exact same thing on here with the sexes (obviously) reversed, this post would get the same type of responses? And if a man posted the exact same thing on a male-orientated site and then it was linked to here, would the responses and reactions be the same? I’m just wondering. I think not though.

Obviously I don't think that. The level of vitriol that is reserved by men for women who get fat is another level.

But you are being disingenuous. I have clearly stated I am fat too and it's not the fat I have a problem with, it's the unhealthy habits and forcing them on the child too. That's what I take issue with.

I don't know whether or not you are doing it deliberately, but you are focusing on the wrong aspects of this issue and you are putting words in my mouth that I never said.

Do you love him? It doesn’t sound like you like him much?

So not so “depressed” (diagnosis: some of MN) that he can’t complain you’re not giving him enough sex then? 🙄

Honestly… when my first marriage had irrevocably broken down (he cheated a lot, I was the one putting in the work to “fix” us…) but I hadn’t actually left him yet (children…) this eating is the sort of thing I might have sounded an absolute bitch about. I had no respect for him and I was angry all the time, because the entire relationship was toxic.

Before you waste your time fat shaming him, or invest (even more of) your time supporting him - decide if he’s even worth it.

I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot

We're all responsible for our own actions. You can't use pregnancy as an excuse for being mean to someone. It's not on is it?

It wouldn't be nice if someone said you're fat or poked fun at you because they were pregnant or menstruating or going through the menopause.

Putting people down never got them to lose weight.

Your 4 year old is a picky eater exactly because he knows that mcd and junk food are better. This is exactly why a 4 year old shouldn't even know how mc donalds tastes like, let alone eat it 3 times a week.

Just tell him he’s fat and unattractive. No point sugar coating it; you’re not doing anyone any favours there 🤷‍♀️

@leakymcleakleak

Just saw your update. In that case, it is a general DH treating you with zero respect problem. Stop shopping for him, stop cleaning up after him, stop letting him overrule your decisions re: your DS food. But you can't 'make' someone respect you. Have you considered marriage counselling? This really is much more a relationship problem than a food problem.

I think it is too. We had some issues before when DS was small and he tried to shame me by saying I had a mental illness and we needed counselling - he thought this would make me 'buck up my ideas' i agreed we needed counselling and he shit himself and wouldn't even contemplate it. We nearly split up but got through it and do have a better relationship now - altho the snippet I have highlighted today says differently. I don't pretend to live a perfect life and won't sugar coat it on here.

He seems to have a bit of an attitude if something is not his idea or if he thinks someone is getting the better of him - I can't live that role 24/7 and can't always sugar coat things for him or gently coax or suggest things. We're adults. We're married. We need to take each other's feelings in to account and sometimes that means him not expecting me to do all the heavy lifting and when I flip about it he needs to understand why.

It's wrong to go after him for his weight and iv went entirely the wrong way about it. I'm
Ashamed and have said that here already. I want him to look after himself and have a healthy diet. I didn't have one growing up and have had to totally overhaul my diet and lifestyle as an adult - it's not impossible to do.

All I ever hear is how he can't eat potatoes as his dad forced him to when younger, he wasn't abused. I was forced to eat lots of things and it's taken me to become an adult to get over that and start to enjoy veg and certain meat for the first time. He's just stuck being a man child and I'm sick of the poor example he's setting for our son. I do give up too often on getting him to try new foods as I have two of them to try and encourage and they will go in moods if they don't like what's on their plate. It's relentless. I'm pregnant, shattered, fed up and I just want a day or two off but have him take over so I don't have the terrible mum guilt about dinner

@Mymapuddlington

You sound like a bitch. You’ve decided he is a lazy man child and categorically not depressed.

However used to exercise, doesn’t now, doesn’t look after himself, disappointed in himself, ‘lazy’ - all signs of depression which is made a lot worse by a supposedly loving partner having a go at him all the time.

Stop the McDonald’s trips for little one. Tell him you support him and ask him if he should speak to the gp. Instead of having a go and moaning at him why not support him.

She most assuredly does not sound like a bitch, she sounds like a woman at the end of her tether and whose partner is the one treating HER with contempt and complacency. Did you miss the bit where she was ill in bed and he didn't so much as bring her a glass of water? Is being fat a get out of jail card now? If she dares to bring up any behaviours in his case - greediness, selfishness, wastelfulness, laziness, etc - she is to be accused of fat shaming?

I can't believe the abuse OP is getting on this thread.

I don't know how anyone can respect someone who behaves like her husband does.

And what's more she wasn't obliged to continue to find him attractive his whole life when she married him. He's completely let go of any self-regard for his own appearance and obesity is not attractive to many people, let alone not washing regularly or changing clothes regularly.

She's had patience to put up with it this long, no wonder she is at the end of her tether with someone who has not apparent regard for himself or by extension her.

Yet she is the one with the problem for not putting up with this shit!

I say, put a complete end to putting up with this shit by filing for divorce!

If you don't like him leave him.

Don't fat shame him.

Mcdonalds for your child needs to stop. Once a week as a treat is too much. DH can go to McDs if he wants but I would not be allowing a 4 year old to go with him. Once a month maybe... at a push.. but even then I don't think 4 year olds should be eating McDs full stop.

@LittleMysSister

It's a difficult topic to know how to broach.

My DP is overweight too, sounds similar in body shape to yours. He has a belly (mostly beer I think!) and as such struggles to find tops to fit him. He will buy a few new polos and end up wearing only one because the others are too short or tight, so it means he wastes a lot of money too.

He does exercise but he just has zero interest in modifying his eating habits, even though he knows it's unhealthy and he does get fed up when he doesn't fit in clothes. He will say he's on a health kick but a couple of days in starts going back to having some chocolate after every single meal, wanting to get a takeaway midweek etc.

He is a terrible snacker and sometimes will be eating crisps/nuts literally 15 mins before dinner comes out of the oven. At times he will go out of his way to quickly have some snacks before dinner is ready just because he wants to squeeze them in, rather than through hunger.

I would never say anything hurtful to him but I do find myself wishing he'd just take a bit more interest in his health, at least. We have a family wedding coming up next month and he had resolved to lose some weight before it but if he has, it's minimal. I know that as a result it will be stressful when we go shopping for something for him to wear and he will also hate all of the photos.

He is also similar to your DP in that he will just outright reject certain meals - in response, I've made a lot of dinners that are still tasty but are using low calorie recipes. There are some really good ones on Pinch of Nom's website, could you maybe try something like that?? Get him to agree on 5 meals he might actually enjoy.

We regularly have Katsu curry and Currywurst made from their recipes and it's not even in our heads that it's 'diet food'.

Yes pinch of nom is fab and iv tried a few of theirs. He does like them but at the minute it's constantly on me to cook and if I am feeling shit and leave it up to him he wouldn't dare follow a recipe and will cook a frozen pizza or get takeaway. Iv asked him to get better in the kitchen so he can help with meals especially when the baby comes as I want healthy food but he just shrugs and says he can't do it

@omfgimgettingmarried

If you don't like him leave him.

Don't fat shame him.

This. If its a deal breaker leave; if its not then shut up.