Fat shaming my husband

[fatshamer]

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

Iv asked him to get better in the kitchen so he can help with meals especially when the baby comes as I want healthy food but he just shrugs and says he can't do it

See, that's just pathetic. I couldn't have any respect this selfish man. If you can read, you can follow a recipe ffs!

I spent time in bed very ill last week and he didn't so much as check if I wanted water. He just fried himself some sausages for lunch instead.

What a prince!

@randomthings

Iv asked him to get better in the kitchen so he can help with meals especially when the baby comes as I want healthy food but he just shrugs and says he can't do it

See, that's just pathetic. I couldn't have any respect this selfish man. If you can read, you can follow a recipe ffs!

Yep.

Your DH does sound depressed, despite you saying that he isn’t (as others have said, what are your qualifications for making your diagnosis?). I’ve been there myself and he is displaying all the classic symptoms.

I was hugely overweight a few years back and my DH was (quite rightly) worried about the impact on my long term health because he loves me and wants me around for as long as possible. I knew this because he would occasionally comment (but kindly) that he was worried about my weight from a health perspective. I was depressed so he didn’t push it any further and I eventually got my (fat) arse into gear by myself and I’m now 6 and a half stone lighter (still a couple of stone to go but it’s a massive start).

However, had he ever displayed the attitude that you have about your DH to me, I’d have walked out on the spot! Whether you are doing it intentionally or not, you are coming across pretty unkind about a person you are supposed to love. If he repulses you so much and is such a bad influence on your DS, why are you having another child with him?!

He is obviously not ready to do something about his weight right now, so try and cut him some slack. Is he feeling the pressure of another child looming? Does he have work issues? Family issues? Issues from the past bothering him? I had too many issues to mention and they are still there despite losing the weight I have so maybe start there with him?

Not sure why the OP is getting so much grief, getting frustrated and annoyed about watching your partner get steadily obese to the point where they are setting a shit example to their kids, their clothes don't fit and they look like quite a different person to the one you married is a normal reaction.

When did all this start? It doesn’t sound like he was like this at the start of your relationship. Did something change?

I’m sorry but why are you even with this man? It’s quite clear he doesn’t want to change and want an equal not a fat slobby man child and this will only get worse once the new baby arrives.

Batch cook some meals for yourself and son for when the baby is here and leave him to fend for himself x

Before this incident occurred I too went down the gentle route of asking him if he wanted to be around for longer and do all the things with his son like play football, coaching if he goes to a team etc and he said yes and then considered how fit he would be to do all that. He went out running and ate well for a week then went back on it.

When he fell off the wagon did you keep encouraging him to get back on it? Or did you just leave him to it?

His appearance is going downhill as he is not looking after himself properly. That is my main concern

You keep mentioning his health after statements like this. Be honest, it's not about his health, you are one of the 'I'll only love you if you are thin' club, which isn't real love. Leave him alone.

Leave him alone.

The way he let her alone when she was sick in bed.

I wouldn’t stay with a man like this,how do you stand it,it seems he doesn’t care about you at all,there is no love or respect so call it a day.Tell him you can’t live like this anymore and want a separation after the baby is born.Your children will otherwise grow up in this unhappy home ,be bullied at school by his appearance yes children are very cruel.Has he ever eaten a healthy diet and been fit and a normal weight?Surely he wants more than this life.Try once again tell him how you feel,good luck you deserve better.

Yes pinch of nom is fab and iv tried a few of theirs. He does like them but at the minute it's constantly on me to cook and if I am feeling shit and leave it up to him he wouldn't dare follow a recipe and will cook a frozen pizza or get takeaway. Iv asked him to get better in the kitchen so he can help with meals especially when the baby comes as I want healthy food but he just shrugs and says he can't do it

Yes I get it. I do the majority of cooking here too, my DP will do a dinner once in a while but he'll usually be making some kind of nice treat meal for me, so wouldn't look for a healthy recipe anyway.

If it's an effort to cook at the mo, could you try something like Gousto or whatever other delivery boxes there are? I think they tend to be quite healthy but are nice tasty meals too, so he hopefully would look forward to them?

You do have my sympathies, I totally get how hard it is and I have often wondered how it will be when we have a child and I have to try and combat DP's bad diet influences. I am no angel by any means and am chubby myself, but I do try quite hard to keep my diet healthy and keep my weight under control.

He's happy to have someone who runs after him, meal plans, buys and cooks his food. Makes sure his child eats healthy. I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise for our unborn child as well as set example to the 4 year old. I wash and clean his clothes. Buy him nice clothes that fit and flatter his body. Clean the house as he leaves it a pig sty, buy him the fancy body wash he likes to use to encourage him to wash (yes encourage a man in his 40s to wash) but gives nothing in return.

So basically you want everyone to slag him off and will update with how shit he is until everyone is on your ‘side’ no wonder he’s depressed and comfort eating.

@Fatflump

Not washing is a sign of low mood. When I'm at my fattest I don't always shower daily because I am so repulsed by my naked body. When I'm clothed I don't have to face up to how fat I am. I don't make an effort with clothes because everything makes me look fat. So what's the point - especially as since Covid I'm at home all day and don't see anyone.

I think OP you're irritated by what you see as having to pick up after him (although if you don't work shouldn't you do the majority of housework and cooking anyway? Albeit he should do something, not disputing that) and your irritation and dislike is leading you to pick at other things.

I used to have a partner who told me I was eating too much. Told me I was a fat mess. I used to sit crying and eating most evenings after he told me how disgusting I was. I only started losing weight after I got shot of him.

I work full time as well as running the house.

It was pointed out to and agreed by husband that the majority of the mess throughout the day is actually his - he leaves everything at his arse. I spend all day in the home office and clean breakfast/lunch as I go.

Even if I wasn't working I wouldn't be his skivvy and wouldn't be picking up crisp packets off the floor as he's been too lazy to take them to the bin. Also not here to pick up the pile of dirty boxers that live beside the bed - we're up to 6 pairs today

Well it sounds like he is addicted to food and with any addict you can't force them to change anything unless they want to do it.

I find his psychology interesting

• what you said about him wanting to be first at everything, if he knows he won't , he doesn't try.
• you lost weight, he ate even more unhealthily

It's like self sabotage - I won't try because I won't be the best.

I know this might be a bit left field - maybe try to sow the seed of him going to a slimming group. Men tend to do really well at Slimming World / WW and lose a lot of weight, particularly initially - he could be the winner in that group. Men tend to like the competition aspect

@LagunaBubbles

How long has he been like this?

His eating habits have always been bad from stories he's told me about growing up and then when we met I realised he was quite fussy. Mine haven't always been good but iv grew up and realised eating healthily is key to a lot of things! Since having kids as well as getting older Iv made a conscious decision. I also learnt to cook which helped.

Ever since Iv known him he has been very fussy and would refuse veg point blank. Only started eating rice and pasta in the last 15 or so years.

He used to run as a hobby and play football once a week but he's given up the football to play golf instead - you'd think that was healthy but they stop halfway round for Coke and crisps and take piles of sweets with them. Stop off for sausage rolls on the way and usually finish with a bite in the clubhouse too.

“I also do believe you can be fat and healthy”

No. You can be fat and active and relatively fit, and some people are.

But you can’t be fat and healthy. Your fat accumulates around your organs, it disrupts your production of hormones and enzymes, it restricts your blood flow, it reduces your mobility, your heart has to work harder to push blood through the increased network of veins and arteries your body has to grow, your breathing is less efficient, it reduces your quality of sleep, it can reduce your self esteem and lead to issues with your MH, it increases your chances of dying from cancer, diabetes and heart disease. It is not a healthy way to live.

@Mymapuddlington

You sound like a bitch. You’ve decided he is a lazy man child and categorically not depressed.

However used to exercise, doesn’t now, doesn’t look after himself, disappointed in himself, ‘lazy’ - all signs of depression which is made a lot worse by a supposedly loving partner having a go at him all the time.

Stop the McDonald’s trips for little one. Tell him you support him and ask him if he should speak to the gp. Instead of having a go and moaning at him why not support him.

I didn't wake up one day and decide he was a man child. That comes from him actually acting like a child who is in fact a man and expects me to run after him when it suits him.

I have also spoke to him many times in many ways about his mental health. He is not scared to see a doctor and assures me he is just fine. I can't force him to see a doctor if I decide he is depressed. He can only seek help himself if he is not a danger to himself or others.

YANBU this would drive me insane.

@Marelle

he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much You say he’s not so huge that people would stare... but then you say he can’t see over his belly... that sounds big enough for people to stare. Work out his BMI and if he’s obese then yes, you need to intervene because you can’t be expected to stay married to someone who is obese. Stop buying junk food, don’t allow it in the house, and I wouldn’t be having sex with an obese person either.

I don't believe that bmi is a good indication of health. He measured his belly and it's over 105cm. That's very high especially for his height.

His belly is his main issue and is bigger than mine at nearly 9 months pregnant

When did he start gaining weight and not looking after himself?

I’ve never met a man who will accept he has depression or willingly gone to the gp. Everything you have described sounds like depression.

At this point I would say either he does a job list or he goes gp to discuss potential depression and his weight. His choice.
People with depression cannot help themselves.

Who the fuck do you think you are to say all that to him?

It sounds like he's had issues with food for a long time. Those are deep-seated, and hard to shift. And over time, it can make you very unhappy - which if you already have a weird mindset about food can make you eat more out of a defensive/denial thing. If someone pointed anything even remotely related to weight or how I looked or what I was eating to me, I'd eat more.

I feel for him - I've been the same. It took 2 years of therapy to semi-fix my issues with food, and I still have issues.

On that count, I think you can only show love and support unless you feel you no longer want a relationship with him because of it, which is absolutely your right.

Otherwise, it sounds like he's a shite husband. That's a different issue altogether.

You told your husband he eats like a pig and has a massive stomach? And you're asking if you're unreasonable? Are you serious OP?!