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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fat shaming my husband

293 replies

fatshamer · 14/10/2021 13:37

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

OP posts:

Original poster

fatshamer · 14/10/2021 19:41

@Glitterybug

Having another child was always something we planned to do. If things do turn toxic I will happily bring up my two children alone. There's no need to get your knickers in a twist about our reasons or decision to have another baby. That's not what I was here to discuss today.

My knickers aren't in a twist. I just think it's a pretty shitty thing to do to a child to bring it into a angry, snipy household where it's parents have no respect for each other.

You're making an assumption about what happens in front of our child. Your assumption is wrong.

The post is about my husband and his attitude to his health. My child is affected by way of having him as a role model. No one said anything about a toxic environment for my child to live in. You're purposely assuming things, incorrectly.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2021 19:46

Of course it’s toxic. Their dad has a variety of pretty major issues and doesn’t care enough to do basic parenting. You’re the one who said he left you sick in bed and didn’t even bring you water when you’re heavily pregnant. You’re seething, people will know.

Glitterybug · 14/10/2021 19:58

You're utterly deluded if you think your child can't pick up on the fact that you two have no respect for each other.

PussInBin20 · 14/10/2021 20:02

I think you just need to be honest about how you feel and how his behaviour is affecting you and ask him if he feels he is being fair/considerate to you and your child. After all he surely wants the best for you both?

I would remind him about you being ill last week and that you felt uncared for when he didn’t offer you even a drink but he could be bothered to fry himself some sausages! Would he agree this is unacceptable?

I would suggest to him he is being selfish and that you need him to be an adult/more supportive and that you shouldn’t have to be his Mother.

I would tell him of your concerns for his health but say it is up to him to change, you can’t do it for him but ultimately this will affect your relationship as you are losing respect for him/becoming resentful.

Put the ball back in his court - if he doesn’t see your point of view and at least try and make some changes (even if not food related) then you can’t see a future for you both. After all, I am guessing you will do the lions share of the childcare of the newborn and can’t do everything!

DroopyClematis · 14/10/2021 20:23

@SoniaFouler

Replace “him” for “her”, “his” for “hers” and “he” for “she” and then read your post back and imagine your husband made it by logging on to a public website and telling strangers how fat and unattractive his wife had become and encouraging others to make comments on you too. How would that make you feel?

Im not saying you don’t have a point. But if a post was made in the same vein from the opposite viewpoint, it’d be seen a whole lot differently.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

If a woman came in here and told us that her partner was fat shaming her like the OP us , there'd be an uproar.

Guetzlibache · 14/10/2021 22:08

You are totally right to be concerned about your DH weight.Most overweight people have "their own little story" why they are overweight.People are overweight because they put too many calories into their mouth.Thats it,its as simple as that.Nobody is shamed,just made aware of possible health issues.

callmeadoctor · 14/10/2021 22:23

I think that your DH is having a lovely happy life (for him!). Eats what he wants, drinks what he wants, does what he wants. I think that the issue is that he is giving you absolutely no thought whatsoever. I dont think he is depressed at all, I think he is very happy with his life. He has got it made really. You can bet your life if he was having an affair or a single man then he would be taking care of himself more. As it is he has got you to look after the children, go to work and feed everybody/ keep house clean etc. Actually he doesnt see you as his wife at all and certainly not his equal!!

callmeadoctor · 14/10/2021 22:24

So get out now (or at least threaten to until he treats you with some respect)

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/10/2021 22:33

He is merrily heading down the road to diabetes and heart attack , carrying the fat round the belly increases the risk.

He knows he is putting n the weight . He has eyes and a mirror . It would have been gradual but he obviously doesn't think he shhould or could address it .

Personally I would cancel the gym membership if he isnt going .
But he really needs an appointment with his GP who will hopefully not mince their words .
Though I'm sure your husband can look all this up on the internet .
The not washing is vile .
He is greedy and gloating telling you the burgers were tasty after he ate them.

I don't know what the answer is .

PixieLaLa · 14/10/2021 22:47

OP why do you think his diet and lifestyle choices are any of your business? You sound very rude and controlling. Can you just imagine if this was a man describing his wife! Not ok……

ToooOldForThis · 14/10/2021 22:50

OP you have my full sympathy

I posted on here a while back about DH being overweight and I got taken to bits...apparently the only correct response to an overweight slob is to keep quiet and not mention it, and what a bitch I was to be finding fault with him!

I think this is just one of these weird mumsnet things.

Having a DH become so overweight and unhealthy is grim for a myriad of reasons...like you I fear for his health, and just find it repulsive (sorry Mumsnet but it really is grim).
I really identify with the poster who talked about their parents or in laws...my MIL is very like my DH in terms of diet and fitness and it's caused a real wedge between her and FIL, she physically can't keep up with him.

I can't advise you on what to do, as I'm getting bloody nowhere

ToooOldForThis · 14/10/2021 22:52

And to all the posters saying oooh what if it was the other way round..what difference does it make? If someone's wife was eating like that and behaving like that it would be equally unreasonable. I don't get all this tip toeing around obesity

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 14/10/2021 23:06

@Guetzlibache

I mean, it's very much not as simple as that and the fact that you think it is says a lot.

theleafandnotthetree · 14/10/2021 23:31

@vickyp0llard

Have my hair done to best of my ability and wear clothes that make me look and feel good about myself - jeans and a tee usually!

This is just you putting your standards onto him though. Me and my husband go out in paint-stained trackies and sliders with greasy hair. I don't really dress up unless I'm going into work or London. You can't expect him to follow your rules if appearance isn't that important to him!

Oh come on, your description of how you choose to go about puts YOU firmly in the very slovenly category where most people would not want to be, the OP seems to operate more in the middle, she sounds far from shallow. How low have standards gotten to think she should just accept this kind of appearance and standards of hygiene and care. People 50 or 60 years ago who had fuck all would have been ashamed to have presented rhemselves to each other or the world like that.

Original poster

fatshamer · 14/10/2021 23:52

@callmeadoctor

I think you've managed to summarise very eloquently what Iv been trying to get across!

He is generally happy and content. Moans about me a lot of the time then does admit that he gets it quite easy in comparison to his mates and their wives

OP posts:

Original poster

fatshamer · 14/10/2021 23:53

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

He is merrily heading down the road to diabetes and heart attack , carrying the fat round the belly increases the risk.

He knows he is putting n the weight . He has eyes and a mirror . It would have been gradual but he obviously doesn't think he shhould or could address it .

I don't know what the answer is .

Yes the message about the burgers tipped me over the edge. I actually thought he might have left me one for my dinner as well and the small of them really got to me too. The washing stinks of burger now as well. It all just wound me up from he sent the text

OP posts:

Original poster

fatshamer · 14/10/2021 23:55

@PixieLaLa

OP why do you think his diet and lifestyle choices are any of your business? You sound very rude and controlling. Can you just imagine if this was a man describing his wife! Not ok……

He is eating food Iv planned out for the week for dinners. He doesn't cook for the family and doesn't do the shopping so for one that annoyed me.

Also the health impact. If I smoked or had a drink problem I would expect him to try help me curb that as it's a drain on our finances as well as detrimental to my health. We're a family. We're meant to be a team and I'd value his opinion if he spoke to me honestly and genuinely

OP posts:

Original poster

fatshamer · 14/10/2021 23:58

@ToooOldForThis

OP you have my full sympathy

I think this is just one of these weird mumsnet things.

I can't advise you on what to do, as I'm getting bloody nowhere

It really is a 50/50 split with no middle ground of people who disagree or agree strongly!

Well that's a point as well, I don't want to be having to wash and dress him if his health gets so out of control when I'm old and have brought up my kids! I'd like to be enjoying our life and hope to be active grandparents not helping him wash rolls of fat 🙈

OP posts:

Twilight7777 · 15/10/2021 00:41

YABVU! Your poor DH! If like the poster @SoniaFouler said and the roles were reversed, everybody would be up in arms that a woman should not be being fat shamed. Why is it different because he’s a man. Your children going several times a week for fast food is a different topic and I’d say YANBU about that.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 15/10/2021 07:02

The big mystery is why you are having another baby with him

Why you are still with him at all

Why you think you can Somehow change him into Prince Charming

Guetzlibache · 15/10/2021 08:29

@ChesusIsAnyNameFree.The very difficult bit is giving up your story and then eating less is a breeze.I was very overweight and luckily finally got the right help from a counceller.No more dieting shit and I am free from my addiction!Buf it is the story,the bloody story that you spin which is the problem.You can vent all your anger at me in order to keep your story alive.

Floogal · 15/10/2021 09:13

Ever the Devil's advocate, but... 1. Are you overweight yourself? Even slightly? Is your personal hygiene top notch? 2. You mentioned that he used to run and has a gym membership, but no longer does them. If he did more exercise, would you honestly not get the hump that he was spending time away from you and the kids? You need to do 2 & a half hours a week- bare minimum!

Quite frankly, going for walks makes virtually no difference to weight loss

Loubilou09 · 15/10/2021 10:31

Gosh I feel for you, I couldn't stand living with a man like that. I am not sure how to address it as I guess it has to come from him, but I would find it wholly unacceptable and offputting, laziness in whatever form irritates the shit out of me.

Porcupineintherough · 15/10/2021 10:49

What a strange, strange thread.

You despise him, he doesnt seem to like you much either (or himself but that's by the by).

Your marriage is over, time to move on.

Hankunamatata · 15/10/2021 11:07

I'm fat. My weight has gone up and down. The one reason I adore my husband is that he never mentions my weight or what I eat. Going on to him about his weight or eating will not change him. Only he can do that.

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