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AIBU?

Fat shaming my husband

293 replies

fatshamer · 14/10/2021 13:37

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

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FluffyWhiteBird · 15/10/2021 11:16

@SoniaFouler

Replace “him” for “her”, “his” for “hers” and “he” for “she” and then read your post back and imagine your husband made it by logging on to a public website and telling strangers how fat and unattractive his wife had become and encouraging others to make comments on you too. How would that make you feel?

Im not saying you don’t have a point. But if a post was made in the same vein from the opposite viewpoint, it’d be seen a whole lot differently.

ODFOD. A person can share how they feel. There's no publicly identifying information about her husband here.

OP I'd divorce the lazy slob. You don't like him any more because he's changed. Him changing isn't a crime, neither is you disliking the new him. You're just incompatible now.

This issue with his weight didn't happen overnight, so I'm going to guess he was always a lazy slob but you didn't realize because he was making an effort to keep you before. Then you married or had a child and he felt you'd always be there now no matter what, so he could return to his authentic self without worrying you'd leave him.

Do whatever you can to prevent the DC eating unhealthily, you have a right to speak up about their welfare (though not a right to dictate his parenting choices). DC would probably not be eating any more takeaways if you divorced than they are now, possibly less depnding on how often your husband had them.

You can't control your husband, not even under the guise of "helping" him. It's only helpful if he wants the help. He is sending you a clear message, in both his words and actions, that he doesn't. Any hassling of him now is going to fall into the realms of controlling behaviour. Unless he has some kind of learning disabilities that makes him unable to realise it without help, then he already knows he's unclean, overweight, unhealthy and his clothes don't fit. He will also realise from your food shopping and comments about having a healthy family etc that you don't like how he is. So he knows and he's choosing not to change. This isn't about you "helping" him, it's about you realising you can't have what you want (the slimmer, cleaner, healthier, better dressed man who exercises, the one who you married but who no longer exists).

You're as guilty of wasting money as he is. You're in charge of the food shopping but you only buy the foods you like, the foods you want the family to eat. He ate your planned Saturday dinner for breakfast because you won't buy the breakfast foods he wants. He throws out of date food away because you left it there for him to eat but he doesn't like it and doesn't want to eat it, which he told you. That's his choice. You can't force him to eat what you want him to eat.