Fat shaming my husband

[fatshamer]

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

@SilentPanic

You really have no idea whether he's depressed or not. Some of what you've posted indicates that his MH isn't great tbh. Agree with above poster who says that you don't sound as if you like him at all. That must be very very hard for him to live with.

Ok point taken.

Reverse the tables here since it's something everyone is so keen on doing.

He's happy to have someone who runs after him, meal plans, buys and cooks his food. Makes sure his child eats healthy. I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise for our unborn child as well as set example to the 4 year old. I wash and clean his clothes. Buy him nice clothes that fit and flatter his body. Clean the house as he leaves it a pig sty, buy him the fancy body wash he likes to use to encourage him to wash (yes encourage a man in his 40s to wash) but gives nothing in return.

He doesn't eat the food I provide or respect the meal plan Iv made - when I go shopping and ask him what he wants he says whatever - he moans when I suggest he tidies you the mess he's made - like the empty crisp packets, used plates and empty cans of Coke that were lying in the living room all day while I was upstairs working. He doesn't provide any sort of meal for me - never mind a nutritious one. I spent time in bed very ill last week and he didn't so much as check if I wanted water. He just fried himself some sausages for lunch instead.

So maybe Iv got a wee bit fed up of living like this and having to carry the weight for the entire family with no help or encouragement from him. Instead when I'm planning dinner for a Monday night and he says to the 4 year old no let's go to mcds instead - what about me? When do I get to be fed up with this behaviour and choose not to like it?

I want him to be more responsible, caring and a proper member of this family not treating this house like an overgrown student living in digs.

OP you're merging together lots of things, some of which are reasonable some of which aren't.

First: the family diet, what your DH is modelling to your son, how he's feeding your son. The McDonalds, and the other stuff, is totally unacceptable. But you're complicit in it. I can't actually believe a 4 year old is eating McDonalds once a week, and you're only concerned about it being 3 times a week. That is one area I would lay down the law, but I'm not sure you have the moral high ground. I would actually look to speak to a dietician about what your child should be eating. DH has struggled with his weight, but he is really concerned that doesn't happen with our child, so her diet is pretty perfect (she obviously gets sweet food, and chips etc, but an appropriate amount) and when we eat junk we don't do it in front of her. When she's in the house, we all eat at the table, healthy food and vegetables. What he's doing is poor parenting. And I think for your sons sake, and your new baby's sake, that's something you should and can address.

Then, in terms of health. I sat down and talked to DH about his weight a few years ago. He has lost weight, and gained it, and lost it again since then. I have done nothing to encourage it, except what he's asked me to, e.g. if he asks me not to buy certain things because I'll eat them. It took him a while but I felt ok saying: we're having a child, you have health issues that are linked to weight (blood pressure and sleep apnoea) I don't care at all what you weigh but I want you to get them under control and I expect you to do what you need to to be around for our family long term. Took no role in how he did that, and it took him a while, but he did lose about 4 stone - was still in the 'overweight' category but massive improvement health wise.

I think you've probably come about this the wrong way, as you've let lots of anger spill over. And now its an argument between you two. I don't think ignoring it helps though, esp given the affect it will be having on your son. I'd start by making taking advise about your son's diet, how to improve it - there's a book recommended on here by Bee Wilson about encouraging children to eat better, DH and I listened to it together as an audiobook. Then you set your own boundaries. personally, I'd struggle to live how you've outlined, esp given how much animosity there seems to be.

You don’t get to tell him what to eat, if you do that’s a bit controlling isn’t it?.

Look after yourself, look after the child and make it clear the child is not to have shite like Mcd in the week.

If he’s gross and you don’t fancy him you don’t have to have sex with him. I wouldn’t if I didn’t fancy dh.

@RaginaPhalange

You can't help him until he really wants help.

You say he's not depressed but your post suggests he could be, who has said he's not? You? Him?

You seem awful towards him, poor guy. Have you tried supporting him?

Poor guy my arse. All I do is support him.

Put him on a sex ban until he reaches a certain target weight. Speak the language men understand

You said WE go to McDonald’s once a week. That’s not really sending the right message and encouraging him to be healthy if you're going to McDonald’s regularly as well.

“Fat shaming” is a terrible term to use and a terrible thing to do. And calling him a pig will erode his self esteem and make him more likely to comfort eat.
I told my obese husband yesterday that I’m worried he won’t be around to see our son grow up. I asked if the taste of junk food was worth leaving his son without a father? He’s said he wants to make changes now. I hope he means it this time.

Just saw your update. In that case, it is a general DH treating you with zero respect problem. Stop shopping for him, stop cleaning up after him, stop letting him overrule your decisions re: your DS food. But you can't 'make' someone respect you. Have you considered marriage counselling? This really is much more a relationship problem than a food problem.

[quote TravelLost]@Neonplant, I have to say I’m and :( that the answer for hormonal problem, hypothyroidism etc.. is surgery.

Mainly because those hormonal issues are still there and shill causing other issues apart from the weight.[/quote]
I didn't say that was the answer to my hormonal problems ect. I said that's why I struggle to lose weight. The surgery allows me to lose weight despite these problems.

But as a fat person the first response to these type of issues is often lose weight as if it will treat the issues and that's on many medical professionals having a significant lack of knowledge when it comes to the impact of weight on health. I had to fight for medication for my thyroid as I was told I felt like shit because I was fat. Despite having felt fine and been that fat for years. And amazingly got the meds and felt better!

It's his call at the end of the day, but as a husband and father it's a bit shit

You suggest he may have low self esteem, no wonder when he is being fat shamed.

Maybe you should consider wether or not you are compatible. If your not, then move on, if you are, then accept him for who he is.

It's a difficult topic to know how to broach.

My DP is overweight too, sounds similar in body shape to yours. He has a belly (mostly beer I think!) and as such struggles to find tops to fit him. He will buy a few new polos and end up wearing only one because the others are too short or tight, so it means he wastes a lot of money too.

He does exercise but he just has zero interest in modifying his eating habits, even though he knows it's unhealthy and he does get fed up when he doesn't fit in clothes. He will say he's on a health kick but a couple of days in starts going back to having some chocolate after every single meal, wanting to get a takeaway midweek etc.

He is a terrible snacker and sometimes will be eating crisps/nuts literally 15 mins before dinner comes out of the oven. At times he will go out of his way to quickly have some snacks before dinner is ready just because he wants to squeeze them in, rather than through hunger.

I would never say anything hurtful to him but I do find myself wishing he'd just take a bit more interest in his health, at least. We have a family wedding coming up next month and he had resolved to lose some weight before it but if he has, it's minimal. I know that as a result it will be stressful when we go shopping for something for him to wear and he will also hate all of the photos.

He is also similar to your DP in that he will just outright reject certain meals - in response, I've made a lot of dinners that are still tasty but are using low calorie recipes. There are some really good ones on Pinch of Nom's website, could you maybe try something like that?? Get him to agree on 5 meals he might actually enjoy.

We regularly have Katsu curry and Currywurst made from their recipes and it's not even in our heads that it's 'diet food'.

He sounds like a total arsehole from your latest post.

I buy, “depressed so going to McD.”

I don’t buy, “so come along with me, 4yo.”

That would be my hill to die on here - you can’t stop him eating crap, but I’d put my foot down on him taking your child.

Food aside, on your latest post I just wouldn’t stay married to that.

Don't let it wear you down and exhaust you ... engage emotional control and let him get on with it .. I know it's pathetic to have to resort to reverse psychology but it might work ... and definitely don't let him keep taking children to McDonalds.

@Mistyplanet

Get all the unhealthy food out the house, turn the cooker off when he starts frying burgers and tell him stop being a fat slob. Its harsh but obviously gentle reminders arent working. No coke until after 5pm and only one can. Tell him hes no longer wasting family money on binge eating and needs to start showering daily. I think you need to crack the whip im afraid.

If a woman came on here and said her DH had spoken to her like that, there would be uproar. Binge eating and junk food addiction are complex, psychological issues that can't be nagged out of someone and OP's husband is clearly in the grip of both. Show a little compassion.

@FellInLoveWithABanana

Count how many times you mention his appearance before you mention his health. I’m sorry us fatties disgust you so much but you don’t give a toss about his health.

I really don't care about other people all that much. 'Fatties' or otherwise but I do care about my husband, his health and how that is affecting him.

This must be quite a recent thing though? If you are pregnant then presumably you weren't turned off by his gorging, failure to wash, wear dirty clothes etc - I couldn't have sex with someone that took me so much for granted and showed me no respect. So I am assuming these are recent changes?

Honestly... he sounds repulsive. Not washing, unkempt appearance etc.

I know where you're coming from here. My boyfriend has put on a bit of weight during lockdown and I find it pretty repulsive. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. Like your partner it's all on the stomach area. It just reminds me of my dad who had a great big stomach and I can't get past this. I do not find fatter/overweight people attractive, never have. It's the same I guess as finding beards unattractive. I don't get what people are finding so upsetting about you writing this on here. Anonymously. I feel unable to say to my boyfriend about his weight gain because I don't want to upset him. But I really don't want to sleep with him. And I feel a bit mean because he's lovely.

@SilentPanic

That text you sent him was fucking horrible.

You're right it was. It was also in reply to him being a dick about the burgers and I can't help myself but go to his level sometimes. Never claimed to be perfect.

@oakleaffy

Your husband probably is depressed. Is his food an addiction? He can’t enjoy being the size he is, or you nagging him. Only he can change. It does sound like he is comfort eating rather than eating because he is actually hungry? A tricky one. The lack of interest in his appearance and hygiene also suggests depression.

I think it may be comfort eating. Maybe he is depressed but any time I have broached the subject he assures me he is fine and not depressed and is happy.

We have spoke about it in a general point of view as opposed to food. He def eats food to make him happy and the suggestion of having something healthy is usually so unappealing to him he will huff and go in a bad mood the rest of the night then compensate by eating choc, crisps and fizzy juice

I can understand your frustration as you sound like you work hard to stay healthy, whilst he is the opposite.
He's not the best example for your children, when they get older if they mirror his unhealthy habits it's inevitably going to cause problems.
It sounds like your banging your head against a brickwall, you don't need need this additional worry whilst pregnant.
I would be very honest and say your not attracted to the way he looks now. Because by accepting his behaviour, this problem is only going to get worse.
It sounds like he's just got into a rut and bad habits.

I feel on a different planet to most people here. OP the picture you paint here is not a pretty one, aesthetically or otherwise. Even if he was trim, there is a kind of greediness and selfishness - his behaviour at parties, taking food from the OP - that I would find very off putting. And if we start to find our partners unattractive for any reason, well that's a problem for both members of the couple isn't it? And the weight is one thing but the poor hygiene and self care points on top of of a kind of wilful complaceny that I would be really unhappy with.

Not washing is a sign of low mood. When I'm at my fattest I don't always shower daily because I am so repulsed by my naked body. When I'm clothed I don't have to face up to how fat I am. I don't make an effort with clothes because everything makes me look fat. So what's the point - especially as since Covid I'm at home all day and don't see anyone.

I think OP you're irritated by what you see as having to pick up after him (although if you don't work shouldn't you do the majority of housework and cooking anyway? Albeit he should do something, not disputing that) and your irritation and dislike is leading you to pick at other things.

I used to have a partner who told me I was eating too much. Told me I was a fat mess. I used to sit crying and eating most evenings after he told me how disgusting I was. I only started losing weight after I got shot of him.

Op your behaviour is horrible. Reverse the sexes in your post and see how this reads.

And no one can say he is not depressed, how on earth would you know? Many people mask and cover.

@sadie9

I think you should step away from trying to control him. He's become a teenager and you are the nagging controlling mother. I can't believe you are hiding cans of Coke! He's a grown man. Before you do the food shop, ask him what he wants for his lunches. Accommodate his shitty eating. But insist that your child doesn't get takeaway food more than once a week. You have a fantasy in your head about him suddenly changing.

If you buy healthy food intended for him without consulting him, then you'll get the teenager response when his mother buys his clothes for him. She'll buy the clothes she wants to see him in but pretend they are clothes he wants. But really it's about controlling the son she thinks she owns like a possession.

The existence of that 'healthy' food in the fridge is a communication from you to him which says 'you'll eat what I want you to eat and nothing else'.

All that's happening is you are getting really really wound up about something that is absolutely outside of your control.

If my DH was 'encouraging me to eat healthy snacks' I think I'd smack him in the face. Please tell me it doesn't involve plates of cutted up apple.

Lol no plate of cut up apple!

More a suggestion of, those bananas go out of date soon if you want to eat some instead of binning them

Or, there's nice homemade soup in the fridge if you want to eat it for lunch with those nice rolls I know you like!!!