Fat shaming my husband

[fatshamer]

Ok so I know this is unreasonable, I'm here for help on how to approach the subject - or if I should.

My husband is overweight, clothes don't fit him, he's not that huge people would stare at him in the street but he can't see over his belly, clothes don't fit him properly and he has a big gap under his tshirt where his belly sticks out so much. He's unfit and unhealthy and is not setting a good example for our children.

I buy healthy food, encourage him to eat healthy snacks. Plan healthy meals for the family and cook healthily for us all.

He just refuses to eat it. Will allow food to go out of date and say he doesn't want it then bin it and instead take the 4 year old to McDs on a weeknight - we always go on a Saturday for a treat so this ends up being two/three times a week the child is going.

We work from home and he has a flexible working pattern. He used to go out running but just can't be bothered now so never does exercise. We have a spin bike, weights and have invested money in these things that he uses for a week then gives up on. He has a gym membership he never uses.

He's not depressed or having any concerns about anything. He just hates healthy food and is lazy.

I am fed up gently encouraging him and cracked up the other day when he started frying burgers at 11.30am to eat for his lunch. This was after pastries for breakfast. He ate 2 giant burgers that were meant for our dinner on Saturday night - this pissed me off more than anything that hes just raised the fridge and ate a dinner instead of having something half decent or 'lunch like'!!

I told him he's going to send himself to an early grave and his diet is very unhealthy, he eats like a pig and can't dress properly as his clothes don't fit him due to the giant hard belly he has.

I'm genuinely worried for his health and the fact he doesn't take care of himself is making me not be attracted to him. He doesn't care how he looks and will often not shower, wear the same clothes for a few days - or shower then put the same clothes back on!! He doesn't shave and is always in need of a haircut. Doesn't cut his nails unless I mention it then it still doesn't happen so I need to just tell him to do it. I'm so sick of it all and he's not setting a good example to our son who idolises him.

He is 100% not depressed he is a lazy man child and my moaning, coaxing, encouragement does not seem to work. I don't know what to do.

He said recently he was disappointed in himself he wasted his furlough time off by eating rubbish every day and not using the time to exercise. I was cooking healthy meals and was on a calorie controlled diet in furlough to lose weight. I also exercised every day and lost a stone. He put a stone on as he slobbed about all day.

It gets to the point where I crack up and say something rude to him (I'm pregnant and hormones are making me speak my mind a lot) and he is hurt by it but goes back to his normal routine within a week. If I gently encourage or just cook healthy meals and say nothing he will pick at them, go for takeaway and insists on drinking at least 4 cans of Coke a day.

How can I help him? Should I be helping him? Is this my business?

[HebalGerbil]

@Mistyplanet

Get all the unhealthy food out the house, turn the cooker off when he starts frying burgers and tell him stop being a fat slob. Its harsh but obviously gentle reminders arent working. No coke until after 5pm and only one can. Tell him hes no longer wasting family money on binge eating and needs to start showering daily. I think you need to crack the whip im afraid.

Bloody hell!

If the sexes were reversed, your suggestions would be classed as very abusive.

Even as it stands, can I ask how in the world you think you have the right to treat another human being like that.

If someone walked up to me and turned the cooker off when I had just switched it on to prepare my own food, I would not be responsible for my actions. Needless to say, retribution would be swift and you definitely would enjoy the experience.

[MatildaTheCat]

Can you call a truce and have a proper conversation? Your son’s diet is a huge issue and if he loves his DS he must support you in helping him to eat better. No, it won’t be easy but it’s very possible and making some small changes initially can lead to some big changes and benefits over time. McDs is unlikely to be much of a part in this but might be a ‘reward’ occasionally.

Your DH has become addicted to junk food and if you can reframe his ‘greed’ as an actual problem that can be sorted out maybe he’ll feel more motivated? Why are burgers in the fridge when they are such a temptation? If both agree a meal plan together perhaps he’ll make better choices.

Make exercise a family thing as well as an individual’chore’. Cancel the useless gym membership and perhaps get a few personal training sessions to figure out something he enjoys.

It won’t be easy but as I say, lots of little changes are going to help more than trying to change everything at once. I get how frustrated and upset you must feel but I can’t see him doing this alone.

Good luck.

PS he also HAS to learn to read nutritional labels on food!

[fatshamer]

@Neonplant

I'm not sure why you have called the thread fat shaming my husband. Are you trying to be goady?

Fat shaming him won't make a difference. I have no idea why anyone would possibly think it would. I'm fat (bmi 40) my health was pretty good. I've recently had bariatric surgery as I was sick of not being able to lose weight. Due to some medication I take, and underactive thyroid and some hormonal issues. Somone telling me I'm fat and trying to shame me wouldn't make a difference. I think people who don't struggle with their weight don't understand this.

But he is choosing to eat unhealthy and not exercise. This isn't the case for all fat people BTW. But he's an adult. You can't get him to change if he doesn't want to. What you need to decide is what this means for the relationship and how you feel about him.

I also do believe you can be fat and healthy. But I do think you need to mainly eat well and exercise and that fatness can only be so much. Also fat people don't owe you their health ore to be a normal weight they are entitled to be fat. Just as you are entitled to decide if you want to be in a relationship with him.

Not trying to be goady at all. This post is about me and my husband. I am owning up to my behaviour of fat shaming him which I am not proud of and have asked for advice on this.

I disagree that people can be healthy and fat. My husband carries the majority of us fat around his stomach which is where his vital organs are. They are encased in fat. He has had wellness tests done at work and his visceral fat was a very high amount.

He also has high blood pressure - may not be weight related but doc told him to lose weight to improve it.

Has a history of heart problems in the family and his high cholesterol. All of which can be controlled by diet according to his doctor.

As his wife I am concerned for his health. I don't want to be widow and I don't want to raise two children without him. I am at the point of frustration of how to help him as I feel I have tried everything and my last resort here has been fat shaming him which I am not proud of as I wouldn't be happy about someone doing that to me.

[FellInLoveWithABanana]

Count how many times you mention his appearance before you mention his health. I’m sorry us fatties disgust you so much but you don’t give a toss about his health.

[Excited101]

No one should be eating McDonald’s even once a week! No wonder your child is a ‘chicken and chips’ eater! I feel for you op, other than leaving him, it’s not clear what else you can do! Keep you and your child healthy, I’d be eating separately to dad for a start.

[fatshamer]

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

You always take your child to McDonalds every Saturday for a treat? That's far too often especially for a 4 year old. You also said that he ate burgers meant for Saturday night? So that's burgers for lunch and dinner.

You say that you eat healthily but that doesn't sound healthy to me.

Are you sure that he isn't depressed? He sounds demotivated but also down about himself.

Yes we often go once a week without husband as he's working.

Burgers were for dinner as I fancied something not as healthy this week.

I haven't shared my entire food history with you just a snippet but have advised I generally eat healthy and try to encourage the 4 year old picky eater to do the same.

Depression is the first thing that comes to my mind also but I genuinely have ruled it out based on him and conversations we've had as well as other general life stuff. I do think he is low on self esteem when it comes to his weight and appearance and have tried so hard to help with that before it got to this stage

[EllieSattler]

You can't help him. He'll only change if he wants to and is ready to. Your choice is to decide whether you can accept living with him as he is or not. That's it. You have power over your own actions only.

Shame is not a good motivational tool, and as for the pp who said "he deserves it" - take a good hard look at yourself.

[missingeu]

I'm overweight and due to huge stresses in life, job, building working and family issues. My healthy eating has gone out the window, which I am aware off.

If my partner then brought it to attention and highlighted issues to me. In all honesty I would be extermerely hurt, angry and it would probably cause unresolved damage to our marriage.

Its topic you need to tread very carefully and with complete empathy. Get rid of the 'fatshaming' as it appears you're unhappy with more than the weight.

[tickledtiger]

The only thing I can think of is leave him to it. He can only change if HE wants to. He knows you’re concerned. He knows what he needs to do. You can’t do anything else for him right now. Let him eat whatever he likes, have mealtimes with your kids and don’t try to make your DH join in. Perhaps stepping back will allow your DH a bit of space to think about what he’s doing. 😬

[fatshamer]

@HarrietsChariot

First, you need to stop making him feel bad. Criticising him, calling him names, saying he's unattractive is a sure fire way to make the problem worse.

Second, I'd like to know your qualifications for assessing him and ruling out depression, because his behaviour certainly sounds like this.

Lastly, if the genders were reverse and he were calling you a fat ugly bitch, people would say it was a case of him abusing you and you need to get away from him. So try to bear that in mind when you slate him to his face and on the internet. I dare say he deserves better than you.

If he called me a fat ugly bitch it wouldn't be kind - where have I called him a fat ugly anything?

His appearance is going downhill as he is not looking after himself properly. That is my main concern and it's pretty clear to see that from my post.

The fact he isn't taking proper care of himself is a concern. The result of that is that he looks slovenly

[fatshamer]

@Draggondragon

My husband was like that. I used to evangelise about my bariatric experience and it didn't help. One day out of the blue he went to see my doctor without telling me and was amazed when told he was a typical and good candidate. He literally hadn't made the connection between weight and health. He went in 2 days later and has lost 45kg. Life isn't perfect now we are both thin but it's a hell of a lot nicer and people treat us differently. I appreciate we live in a cou try with better Healthcare and are able to do this quickly, the NHS pathway is 5 years on average. I didn't qualify for insurance and went to Jordan. I paid about £3k and never looked back. 2 days in hospital and 2 days off work and then back to normal.

Well done you guys I'm so pleased that worked out for you both.

I don't think he would be at that stage but I do think he should get some help or direction about what path he could end up on if he doesn't start doing something now

[Esspee]

MacDonalds isn’t a treat for a child, it’s introducing them to unhealthy eating.
If my partner was fat, unfit, looked like shit and smelt I wouldn’t be pregnant because there’s no way I could have sex with him.

[SilentPanic]

That text you sent him was fucking horrible.

[fatshamer]

@MargaretFaffter

My DP was the same, but I kept my own counsel. He eventually decided for himself that enough was enough and started seeing a personal trainer. He’s now down 3 stones.

That's amazing. Iv suggested getting a PT for the both of us but he's shown no interest.

Maybe I do need to back off and ride this one out

[muddyford]

I wouldn't try the shaming route. If this was a husband suggesting this approach to a wife you would be piled on. Similarly, if the husband was advised to eat with the child separately from the wife. It's up to him and the child is his as well as yours. Tread very carefully.

[oakleaffy]

Your husband probably is depressed.
Is his food an addiction?
He can’t enjoy being the size he is, or you nagging him.
Only he can change.
It does sound like he is comfort eating rather than eating because he is actually hungry?
A tricky one.
The lack of interest in his appearance and hygiene also suggests depression.

[fatshamer]

@SoniaFouler

So you think if a man posted the exact same thing on here with the sexes (obviously) reversed, this post would get the same type of responses?
And if a man posted the exact same thing on a male-orientated site and then it was linked to here, would the responses and reactions be the same? I’m just wondering. I think not though.

If the concern was for her health and well being I don't see why not.

Some people will only read what they want to though and may not be able to interpret the entire post.

[StevieNix]

So you’re not wrong to be concerned, it’s his health and it’s affecting how you feel towards him so of course your feelings are valid.
But fat shaming never ever works! It’s never as simple as that otherwise no one would ever be overweight would they.
He has to want to make changes for himself, so you fat shaming him is probably going to do the opposite and make him retreat into his bad habits. Food is addictive and low self esteem (in part probably fuelled by your comments) will make this worse, I can almost guarantee it!
Imagine if he called you a fat cow etc, it would be seen as highly abusive and he would be given the advise on here to ditch you.
If he wants to change he will, nothing you say or do will help or make him change (maybe for a day or two but not long term)
My only advise would be to back way off, give yourself in your mind a cut of date - if your still massively unhappy with him and not attracted to him and he hasn’t made any positive changes then leave him. But you can’t give him an ultimatum, this runs deeper than that and it won’t make a difference, if you don’t want to be with him as he is then call it a day.
Ultimately you can control your life and your decisions and only he can control his.
You can’t change him!

[TravelLost]

@fatshamer very gently, I think that by pushing him repeatedly to loose weight, exercise etc… you are actually putting him off from doing anything.

If someone was on my back like this, I would think ‘oh fuck them, I’ll just eat that burger/stay at home/drink that coke’.

[HebalGerbil]

@fatshamer
"In general he is the type of person who is always right and doesn't take kindly to anyone telling him he's wrong etc. He doesn't like to be second best at anything so if he can't be the best he just doesn't try".

Between this, you wanting to assert control over him, the things you have said, and the disrespectful tone in which you have said them, I would caution you that you are making coffin nails for your marriage. Be careful you don't put the final nail into it, unless of course, you want to be rid of him. Your H has the right to bodily autonomy in the same way you would expect it for yourself. If you cannot tolerate who he is, leave him and raise those children by yourself without his so-called unhealthy influence.

It is wrong to try and control one's partner. You are asking people here for ideas of how you can control him successfully. Imagine a man showing up on here, asking how he can control his female partner to make her more pleasing to himself. He would get his arse royally handed to him, on a plate, with a side order of go-fuck-yourself, and rightly so.

[sadie9]

I think you should step away from trying to control him.
He's become a teenager and you are the nagging controlling mother.
I can't believe you are hiding cans of Coke!
He's a grown man. Before you do the food shop, ask him what he wants for his lunches.
Accommodate his shitty eating. But insist that your child doesn't get takeaway food more than once a week.
You have a fantasy in your head about him suddenly changing.

If you buy healthy food intended for him without consulting him, then you'll get the teenager response when his mother buys his clothes for him. She'll buy the clothes she wants to see him in but pretend they are clothes he wants. But really it's about controlling the son she thinks she owns like a possession.

The existence of that 'healthy' food in the fridge is a communication from you to him which says 'you'll eat what I want you to eat and nothing else'.

All that's happening is you are getting really really wound up about something that is absolutely outside of your control.

If my DH was 'encouraging me to eat healthy snacks' I think I'd smack him in the face. Please tell me it doesn't involve plates of cutted up apple.

[TravelLost]

@Neonplant, I have to say I’m and :( that the answer for hormonal problem, hypothyroidism etc.. is surgery.

Mainly because those hormonal issues are still there and shill causing other issues apart from the weight.

[Judith0000]

OP, You say your DS is eating McDonalds 2 to 3 times a week, your DH frys burgers that were meant for a family dinner and your DS is a chicken and chips type of eater. You say your DS is picky and yet you claim you eat the same foods as your DS.
I wonder how healthy any of your diets are.
Burgers, chicken and chips and McDonalds 3 times a week? That's 5 meals a week that are definitely not healthy. Not a single vegetable mentioned. Is this a typical week at the moment in your house?

Eating large quantities of junk food creates an addiction to junk food that is probably life long.

[Neonplant]

@fatshamer you disagree people can be healthy and fat then go on to talk about one specific example of your hus when I talk about the general and add caveats. Seems like you need to improve your reading comprehension and do some in depth research on the impact of weight on health.

If I had the audacity to shame somone for their weight I'd at the very least want to be well read on the subject which you clearly aren't. Also don't just read things which you want to in order to back up your point of view.

You've been told loads of time the fat shaming will do fuck all. Yet you are still not wanting to listen to replies. What precisely do you think fat shaming him will do? Can you describe your logic here?

Also you talk about how fat he is yet say he isn't at the stage for bariatric surgery. If you are being truthful in your description he's way beyond it. What is his bmi?

[LivingTheLifeofMum]

[quote HebalGerbil]@fatshamer
"In general he is the type of person who is always right and doesn't take kindly to anyone telling him he's wrong etc. He doesn't like to be second best at anything so if he can't be the best he just doesn't try".

Between this, you wanting to assert control over him, the things you have said, and the disrespectful tone in which you have said them, I would caution you that you are making coffin nails for your marriage. Be careful you don't put the final nail into it, unless of course, you want to be rid of him. Your H has the right to bodily autonomy in the same way you would expect it for yourself. If you cannot tolerate who he is, leave him and raise those children by yourself without his so-called unhealthy influence.

It is wrong to try and control one's partner. You are asking people here for ideas of how you can control him successfully. Imagine a man showing up on here, asking how he can control his female partner to make her more pleasing to himself. He would get his arse royally handed to him, on a plate, with a side order of go-fuck-yourself, and rightly so.[/quote]
Brilliantly put @HebalGerbil 👌🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼