If you were left £450k inheritance, would you give your adult children something?

[Jinnybean]

Mil has been left a large sum. She’s always said that she will give Dh £10k.

It’s been nearly a year and she hasn’t mentioned it at all. We know she had the money a month ago.

I can’t imagine having that much money are not helping my children/grandchildren out. She is mortgage free.

Would you help your Dc out?

My dad wouldn’t. He is well off, no mortgage.

Never would ask for a penny from him, but in all these years he hasn’t so much as offered a fiver!! When I was 16 I asked to borrow £30. He made me sign a document he drew up himself when I would pay it back!!

This is the problem with money. It’s evil because it destroys family relationships. People get angry, possessive, upset, confused. As soon as a family member comes into money people start re-evaluating the fundamental truths that have bound them together thus far. And they start looking at the relationship through different eyes, with money as the foundation for all their questions & answers. Conclusions are reached, usually bad ones, & doubt/mistrust/frustration all creeps in.

Money is the work of the Devil. And here’s the rub; no matter how wealthy someone becomes, a) it doesn’t necessarily make them any happier & b) it doesn’t change their character, or their habits - not in the slightest. So someone who was tight coming into £££’ s is still going to be tight.

Prioritise your relationship with your MIL & take money out of the frame. Otherwise they’ll be tears before bedtime.

It's her money to do what she wants with. don't be so entitled.

@saleorbouy

OnlyFoolsnMothers

From the government inheritance tax info page.

"Each tax year, you can also give away some money or possessions free of Inheritance Tax. How much is tax free depends on which allowances you use.

Annual exemption
You can give away a total of £3,000 worth of gifts each tax year without them being added to the value of your estate. This is known as your ‘annual exemption’.

You can give gifts or money up to £3,000 to one person or split the £3,000 between several people.

You can carry any unused annual exemption forward to the next tax year - but only for one tax year."

re: inheritance tax it has a year limit, if I give my child 200k but live 20 further years it isn’t considered part of the estate. You made it sound like there were limits independent on inheritance tax

@SinisterBumFacedCat

We are supposed to want better for our children, or that was what we used to think. Some people in one generation has hoarded housing and wealth without ever being called “entitled” or “grabby”. I hope other generations don’t follow their example.

I know what you mean to a certain extent.

Our grandparents generation tended to save for a rainy day and not spend madly. They had it pretty tough, had less extravagant tastes and probably handed down what they had unless unfortunate enough to have to pay care fees. I’m not sure they would have wanted the next generation to just fritter it away on themselves.

Their kids (the post war generation) should not need to rely on parental inheritance in many cases and should have saved for their own care fees etc like we are expected to.

Our generation have it tough again (especially those who didn’t manage to get in the property ladder before it went sky high) and our kids will have it even tougher. We are expected to fund our kids through uni, save for our retirement with the likelihood of no state pension and not rely on inheritance!

You are being very unfair here. She has only had the money a month. My DH inherited. When the money came in it was sad and emotional. The assets were disposed of, the paperwork was done, they were gone. There is a finality to it and the grief hits you in the face again. I’m sorry for your loss but I would’ve thought you’d have more empathy for your MIL as a result instead of being all about the money.

@mygenericusername

My parents are very much like this. I’ll get it one day apparently but in reality it will be pissed up the wall on care home fees. I’ve planned for zero inheritance.

You consider paying for your care in old age as pissing money up the wall?

If I was mortgage free I would buy houses for the kids -if I had x3 kids I'd buy x3 flats and rent them out = income

I wouldn't say I would and then not do it.

YABU, she might need it for care fees later or medical bills , or even to fund her retirement? Presumably anything left over will go to your Dh and siblings later, but meanwhile, earn your own money …

@Jinnybean it depends on what you mean by a large sum . Is it large enough that 10k will not matter to her ? I agree that she shouldn't have said it if she didn't intend to .

@saleorbouy

OnlyFoolsnMothers

From the government inheritance tax info page.

"Each tax year, you can also give away some money or possessions free of Inheritance Tax. How much is tax free depends on which allowances you use.

Annual exemption
You can give away a total of £3,000 worth of gifts each tax year without them being added to the value of your estate. This is known as your ‘annual exemption’.

You can give gifts or money up to £3,000 to one person or split the £3,000 between several people.

You can carry any unused annual exemption forward to the next tax year - but only for one tax year."

Not the whole story though @saleorbouy

You can gift any amount you want in a year. £3K is without any tax implications.

BUT if you die within 7 years, and have given away more than £3Kpa it's considered as if you were gifting to reduce your assets that would be part of your estate for inheritance tax purposes.

eg if you died at 80 and had given away £100K at age 79, that would be investigated as to why you had given away that sum.

@Kisskiss

YABU, she might need it for care fees later or medical bills , or even to fund her retirement? Presumably anything left over will go to your Dh and siblings later, but meanwhile, earn your own money …

So Op and her dh need to “earn their own money” and not rely on any help, but mil may need it for hers? Hmmm....

Yes of course it’s hers to do what she wants with but aren’t families supposed to help and support each other?

I know for sure my mum wouldn't give me a penny. I know my dead dad would have done. I also know which one I love more and which one loved me more.

I'd let that guide me tbh.

Yeah, I would give money to help my child, ie. if he needed help to get a deposit for a home, postgraduate studies, etc. and when I die.

I wouldn’t give him money to change the carpet, take the family for holidays or to keep his wife happy, because it is important for people not to rely on mummy’s assets and to learn to live within their means.

… meaning they would get my money when I die, just as when op’s mil did when her relative died.

In a heartbeat. Genuinely don't understand the mentality of a parent who wouldn't.

@GrandmasCat

Yeah, I would give money to help my child, ie. if he needed help to get a deposit for a home, postgraduate studies, etc. and when I die.

I wouldn’t give him money to change the carpet, take the family for holidays or to keep his wife happy, because it is important for people not to rely on mummy’s assets and to learn to live within their means.

I would like to think I’d give it without strings attached but I’ve never been in that position so it’s difficult to know for sure.

Is it a coincidence that it seems to be mothers of sons (posting here) who are a bit reticent to hand any over to them in case their dil get their hands on it?!!

Yes I would in a heartbeat. Alas my mother did not have the same thinking, and we all could have used with a little share in all the inheritance she got years ago. Instead she "lent" large proportions of it to my drug addict sister and blew the rest on cruises, holidays, posh meals out, designer bags and shoes. 11 years later she has nothing to show for it. Her house is falling apart and riddled with damp, she couldn't afford to replace the car when it was written off during an accident a few years ago and lost so much, she can't wear all the lovely shoes she bought because her feet are swollen and she never goes out to use her expensive bags, which have largely succumb to the damp anyway. She'll never get back what she gave my sister, I managed to get out of my abusive relationship without her help and my brother managed on his own in the end too. Meanwhile my mother is no happier for blowing the cash, in fact her mental health is worse than ever.

@Dontgetyerknicksinatwist

Your mil sounds very selfish and self centred.

@Dontgetyerknicksinatwist

That’s so nasty! She’s only had it a month. Maybe this is her parents money and it’s too hard to think about their death and they have now gone and she’ll never see them again.

Maybe she’s still grieving for the loss of a loved one and it’s too raw and hard at the moment.

You just don’t know what’s going on with people. It’s been a month.

No, nor would I tell them about it.
They can have it along with everything else I own when me and DH die.

@Lollipop444
“So Op and her dh need to “earn their own money” and not rely on any help, but mil may need it for hers? Hmmm....

Yes of course it’s hers to do what she wants with but aren’t families supposed to help and support each other?”

Yes, because at some point, later on, they will presumably also inherit from his mum. Meanwhile as working age adults , earn your own money.

And yes I 100 pct believe in helping family but from the point of view of I help my parents out when they need money and our in laws when they need help ( since they don’t need financial help) I wouldn’t ‘expect’ anything when my mil’s dad passed on, in fact it feels really entitled /grabby

@GrandmasCat

Yeah, I would give money to help my child, ie. if he needed help to get a deposit for a home, postgraduate studies, etc. and when I die.

I wouldn’t give him money to change the carpet, take the family for holidays or to keep his wife happy, because it is important for people not to rely on mummy’s assets and to learn to live within their means.

100 pct!!!

@Lollipop444 I really don’t think it is because he is a boy, I have seen the effect in my family:

1. My mother stop the money flow as soon as I started university. I have lived well, within my means and do not depend financially on them.

2. My mother kept paying allowance to deal old little sister, her golden child, she is still paying for her holidays, debts and doing her laundry 3 decades later, even when little sister earn s more than the combined income of my parents. She simply didn’t see the need to learn how to control her spending as my mother always had and continues to bail her out.

My ex has a lot of money and keeps helping his adult son out, he is unable to keep a job for long and uninterested in finding another, and why would he if daddy can keep him on style?

A friend and her brother were always bailed out and economically supported by their mum, as soon as they got her inheritance they paid massive debts acquired through careless spending, changed cars and then stopped working. The money won’t last more than 5 years but they simply do not care, as they have never learned to plan ahead for eventualities. It just doesn’t seem easy fir them to imagine that with mummy gone, there is no one to bail them out anymore when the money runs out.

Hence why I wouldn’t give my money away freely, regardless of him being a boy or a girl.

So yes, I wouldn’t help DS

I would but I tend to look at family being a long term ongoing situation, as in any money is to help your whole family move forward as a group so it’s for everyone, you want everyone to benefit together. My parents think of family as short term, so you are financially responsible for them until 18 but then your obligations are finished, all money belongs to the individual, so no matter how wealthy you are you don’t help out in any way (cars, homes, educational, wedding etc). So you can kind of see it both ways, it’s really how you look at your family.