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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were left £450k inheritance, would you give your adult children something?

548 replies

Jinnybean · 13/10/2021 12:39

Mil has been left a large sum. She’s always said that she will give Dh £10k.

It’s been nearly a year and she hasn’t mentioned it at all. We know she had the money a month ago.

I can’t imagine having that much money are not helping my children/grandchildren out. She is mortgage free.

Would you help your Dc out?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 13/10/2021 16:02

@julieca

A small terraced house. We don't all live in large houses.
Of course not, but £40k!

I was expecting it to be a flat.

Saz12 · 13/10/2021 16:02

I’m not sure what I’d do. If offspring can’t afford their chosen lifestyle so that they needed the windfall, then I’d that because they’re feckless spendthrifts, or is it that they’ve a passion for their career that happens not to be a well paid one? Or a string of bad luck? Or younger?
If they just have expensive/ consumerist taste, then I probably wouldn’t (I’m allowed not to support a lifestyle I disagree with, after all). If they’re just being screwed by rent costs then I probably would, But once I’d given them the £££ it’s up to them what they do with it - I wouldn’t put strings on it.

Notresdames · 13/10/2021 16:03

@julieca

The north of England. The median house price for the whole of England is £143,000.
There are only tiny pockets of the N where you can get a house for £40K.

You are being a tad unrealistic to suggest that other people have that option.

Where I am, the cheapest 1 bed flat is £200K.

IrishMel · 13/10/2021 16:03

So sorry to hear about your loss. When I lost my lovely mum I was in shock for weeks and then such a range of emotions. All over the place. It is so difficult and grieving can be so hard. But there will come a day that you think of the funny and silly things that make you smile. I still miss my mum every day and something changes forever in your life when you lose a parent. Be kind to yourself and hope your husband supports you. Let his meanie old mum off. Flowers are just for show and it is the love you feel. Take care & so sorry xx

Gonnagetgoing · 13/10/2021 16:04

10K is not a bad amount to receive and is what my DGM asked for my DM to give me and my DB when she died (she had more money than that in her estate).

If your DH is expecting more, why? How old is MIL? Does she need to think about care home fees etc?

MalagaNights · 13/10/2021 16:08

@Jinnybean I am so sorry about your dad.

What a terribly sad time for you.

Take support and love where you can. You may find your MIL comes through to support you more when you least expect it, and if she doesn't, well there's nothing you can do but let it go.

julieca · 13/10/2021 16:08

@Notresdames I have not said anywhere that I expect people to get a house for £40k. I replied to the person assuming the MILs house will be worth £300k. It may be, it may be worth more, or worth a lot less. There is a lot of variation nationally.
And it is a two-up, two-down with downstairs bathroom terraced house. A modern flat would cost more.

knittingaddict · 13/10/2021 16:12

Like some others here, inheriting large sums of money just doesn't happen in our family. My parents inherited nothing from their parents and I expect to inherit nothing from mine. Mum has dementia and it will undoubtedly go in care fees. I was the first in my family to own their own home and that was mostly down to getting married.

a1poshpaws · 13/10/2021 16:20

Notresdames Scotland, in with very, very cheap?????????? You definitely don't live here!

StormzyinaTCup · 13/10/2021 16:24

I imagine if she said she would give your DH £10k then she will if she is normally true to her word. She has only had the money a mere 4 weeks and I wouldnt imagine it has gone to straight into her everyday current account. Its likely have been put split out (for safety reasons) and maybe put into 60/90 day notice accounts which pays a marginally higher interest rate but you can’t access it instantly, you would need to give 60 or 90 days notice to the bank. She may have just banked it until she has taken advice from a financial advisor and as a PP said she might be waiting until Christmas to gift it to your DH. I certainly wouldn’t be asking about it and certainly not after only four weeks. I think that’s very unreasonable .

Ellarain · 13/10/2021 16:24

I would help out my children if I came into money. My mother however has been the recipient of a decent inheritance, approximately 400,000 euros in the last two years. She already had significant savings too. She is 61,mortgage free, debt free, top of the range car, hair appointments every 4 weeks and a stunning wardrobe. She is also retired. She has never so much as bought me a bunch of flowers.

HeartsAndClubs · 13/10/2021 16:25

The average house price is about £220k, not £300k, and that hides huge variations. In plenty of areas of the country the average price is much lower. I am currently looking at buying a house for £40k. for £40k I’d expect it to be one of those dives you see on homes under the hammer that you’ll have to pay another £40k to make decent.

And if it’s in an area where houses routinely sell for that kind of money you can bet that there aren’t any jobs hence why no-one wants to live there and why the house prices are so low.

Even having a low-priced house costs….

TBH I don’t understand this entitlement from some to other people’s money. It’s just crass. The comment from a poster upthread saying she won’t inherit because her parents will “piss it up the wall on care fees” is just awful.

I know my parents will leave what they have to me and my sibling when they die, but I don’t even care if they spend it on cruises and new cars while they’re alive. It’s not my money. It will only be my money if they give it to me, but that has to come from them, not from any expectation on my part.

My BIL is always on at his mother to sell her house so he can have some of the inheritance early. If my child was that grabby I’d want to spend the money just so there wasn’t any to leave.

If you can leave money for your kids then great. But once they start claiming entitlement to it then I think it’s perfectly ok to change your mind. I would.

Notresdames · 13/10/2021 16:27

[quote julieca]@Notresdames I have not said anywhere that I expect people to get a house for £40k. I replied to the person assuming the MILs house will be worth £300k. It may be, it may be worth more, or worth a lot less. There is a lot of variation nationally.
And it is a two-up, two-down with downstairs bathroom terraced house. A modern flat would cost more.[/quote]
You're hijacking the thread a bit but anyway...off topic....

I thought you said you were about to buy/ looking to buy a house for £40K.

Sorry if that wasn't you. Must be another poster.

Gothichouse40 · 13/10/2021 16:32

It's not your or your husbands money and you are entitled to nothing. Having said this your MIL should not have promised this to your husband, if she was not going to follow it up. This is why I NEVER discuss my finances with anyone. Money changes people and as soon as folk know you have any they seem to think they are entitled to it, or there are massive rows with family arguing over who should get what. I honestly don't know why so many people seem to think they have an automatic entitlement to an inheritance. My parents were poor and to be honest, the last thing I would have wanted is them giving me /leaving me their hard earned money.

CraftyGin · 13/10/2021 16:36

My DFil's legacy was decent (not nearly as much as OP's MIL).

We have five DCs and DH split every disbursement into six. He is adamant that money should not reside in older generations and it is the young people who need it.

User57327259 · 13/10/2021 16:36

OP if your father was so ill and on benefits you can obtain Funeral assistance from the state. They provide money for one floral tribute as well as the cost of the funeral.

What stands out from your post stating that your family do not have any money to leave to you (and any siblings if any). You are not criticizing your family for not providing an inheritance but you are very nasty about the fact that your MIL has £450K and she has given you nothing. She does not have to give anyone any money and it is greedy to expect money from her. If she knew your attitude she would be angry/disappointed/disillusioned and a whole load of emotions.

Perhaps she has given money to her own child and you just have not been told due to your greedy attitude. Perhaps she decided not to give money after realising you have this attitude. You are looking at a woman who has lost her last remaining parent, inherited the money and now she (MIL) is seen as a walking cash machine.

That is nasty

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 13/10/2021 16:37

@mygenericusername

My parents are very much like this. I’ll get it one day apparently but in reality it will be pissed up the wall on care home fees. I’ve planned for zero inheritance.
If my DC resented me spending money on my basic care needs when I am frail and helpless, I wouldn’t give the selfish fuckers any of it either.
Standrewsschool · 13/10/2021 16:42

I’m sorry for your loss.

Regarding your post, you mil only inherited the money a few weeks ago. Suddenly having this money can be overwhelming. Like others have said, she is probably assessing what to do with, and may give you generous amounts at Christmas.

She may also have forgotten that she said she will give you some, or it was a passing comment at the time, which you have hung onto. One of those, ‘maybe I will ..’ type of comments.

VaguelyInteresting · 13/10/2021 16:45

I don’t think care home fees are money “pissed up the wall” Hmm as a poster upthread suggested but I also think there’s a remarkable amount of meanness in some families, and in your situation, I’d be a bit disappointed, to say the least.

expatmigrant · 13/10/2021 16:46

I would give it all to my children as already mortgage free.
We're already planning on gifting money to the children over the next few years so that inheritance tax will be reduced.

Fairyliz · 13/10/2021 16:50

@julieca

The north of England. The median house price for the whole of England is £143,000.
According to info I just looked at its £265k.
julieca · 13/10/2021 16:50

@expatmigrant if inheritance tax is a concern, you have enough money to give away to DCs.

HeronLanyon · 13/10/2021 16:51

Depending on her own pension situation although a huge amount of money it actually isn’t necessarily enough for her to feel secure. Ie she may have said ‘I’ll give you some money’ but she may now be rethinking and redoing her own will instead.
She may also be planning to do this at Christmas?
Additionally as she has just suffered the loss of her husband don’t expect everything to be done quickly. Bloody hell when my parents died I had weeks on end when I was useless about basic stuff other than keeping my job going etc. Give her some space. If you and DH are in real money trouble then maybe let DH speak to her gently - she has lost her husband. Don’t expect things to b done to your timetable.

oakleydo · 13/10/2021 16:51

My parents would

They recently inherited a small amount and gave half of it away to their children and kept half for home improvement

HeronLanyon · 13/10/2021 16:55

I think I may have missed a generation there and it was mil’s father who has died rather than husband. No matter same principle - she’s grieving - leave her alone for a bit before chasing money.