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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were left £450k inheritance, would you give your adult children something?

548 replies

Jinnybean · 13/10/2021 12:39

Mil has been left a large sum. She’s always said that she will give Dh £10k.

It’s been nearly a year and she hasn’t mentioned it at all. We know she had the money a month ago.

I can’t imagine having that much money are not helping my children/grandchildren out. She is mortgage free.

Would you help your Dc out?

OP posts:
takenforgrantednana · 13/10/2021 16:55

@Jinnybean

Mil has been left a large sum. She’s always said that she will give Dh £10k.

It’s been nearly a year and she hasn’t mentioned it at all. We know she had the money a month ago.

I can’t imagine having that much money are not helping my children/grandchildren out. She is mortgage free.

Would you help your Dc out?

i had that much stolen from me when my mother died by my uncle! i got £20k which got divided up equally with my 3 kids, i didnt see a penny of it. oh dont worry karma did happen, and yes i was livid but there was nothing i could do about him stealing the money and everything else he took
DameFanny · 13/10/2021 16:55

I'm so sorry for your loss @Jinnybean Flowers

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/10/2021 16:57

Give her some time. I understand this is a very upsetting time, and you would probably appreciate some good news, but she's only had the money for a few weeks. Knowing it's coming is not the same thing as actually having it.

She may be planning to put a cheque in a card for Christmas. If you get into January with no word, then your DH should just ask.

Suspicioussam · 13/10/2021 17:01

I'm torn on this one. My parents have just inherited a sum about half the size of that. They don't need the money. No mortgage, lots of savings and investments, big pension that increases every year, nice holiday (or two) every year.
But I know my parents worry about the cost of their care in the future. They are VERY cautious about this so no amount of savings seems to be enough to make them relax about giving us money and they do like to enjoy a nice lifestyle but it's not lavish.
They helped with our first property deposit and weddings though. I think they are generous but cautious so I'm not at all offended if they don't share the inheritance even though it would make a huge difference to our lives.

Blackberrybunnet · 13/10/2021 17:02

Some people are just less generous than others.

MigsandTiggs · 13/10/2021 17:06

I inherited a very large sum when my DC refused their share. My son said he didn't want anything, and my daughter said that her father had already given her enough when he was alive. I wouldn't give money to DC just for giving sake; it would have to be for a good reason eg buying a house. I'm from a very long lived family and know that I have to finance decades of retirement plus I don't want to burden my DC with care home fees. They will inherit what is left and they are happy with that. If their circumstances were to change, of course I would help.

CrumpleHornedSnowcack · 13/10/2021 17:06

maybe she has put it in a bank account for them in the future.

It is her money to do what she wants with but she shouldn't of said she would give them anything & then not do it

earsup · 13/10/2021 17:09

I don't expect anything so if you do get something its a bonus...my late GM at one point owned about 12 houses...gave us, the only 2 grand children - nothing...my sister could only buy at the time a small flat and had a child...still nothing gifted....sad thing is, most of it all went in the inheritance tax as all in her name when she died...money did filter to my mum who left us about 50k each and a late aunt left us 250k each but planned it to avoid any taxes etc so not moaning but people are odd with money you dont know...i do reflect and think it was a bit mean of my GM to not gift us a house...it wouldnt have affected her standard of living at all and most went to the tax...!!

ittakes2 · 13/10/2021 17:10

I would but I wouldn't judge others who didn't. If his grandfather wanted him to have £10k he could have easily said this in his will.

KitchenKrisis · 13/10/2021 17:13

Op so sorry about your df Flowers

There are cheaper burials available now, unfortunately funerals can be huge rip offs.
To be fair it is only a month.. And it's a lot of money maybe she's going through what to do with it all personally

I rhj think it depends on their relationship. Is it OK? Can they spend time together, is she interested.. Cares about him?

If so then perhaps you could say your sorry to ask but as she's mentioned it.. Is she planning on giving him any money?

With my Mil, she's an absolute control freak, dh doesn't speak to her at all so we would forget it.

Marrple · 13/10/2021 17:16

A lot of that generation are quite tight with money as they still have this “rainy day” fear and no amount of savings is enough. I’ve seen it lots of times. They say they need it for possible care costs but when that times comes, they don’t want to pay for that either and wish they had given it away.

Nothing you can do though. Up to them.

MsJinks · 13/10/2021 17:18

If she needs care in future then any large gifts from her funds would be chased by the council if hers ran out, they can go back years on houses, not totally sure about gifts. I also think inheritance tax can go back 7 years. It’s viewed in both cases as trying to evade proper payment.
Maybe she worries about running out herself if she needs something- I know my parents did/do - they also view inheritance as parent to child but they were/are elderly so guess inheritance dropped at a more useful age in their younger years.
Generally I’d share for something useful, and share nice experiences such as a holiday, I think, but it definitely depends on circumstances of all concerned.

Koph · 13/10/2021 17:18

I wouldn't give them some of it I would give them all of it and hope to live another 7 years..

TakeYourFinalPosition · 13/10/2021 17:18

@Jinnybean I’m sorry about your dad Flowers

It might be too late if you’re a week away, but have you looked into the help with funerals? There’s not much, but there’s some. But also please remember that it’s not about the flowers, honestly.

she will go all defensive about how it was grandads money.

It sounds like it’s a pointless conversation to have with her in this case, as whatever she’s said before, she doesn’t intend to share it right now. She would have, if she did. She won’t be the first who had generous plans that she told everyone about and then changed her mind when the money appeared…

Try to push it out of your mind as much as possible.

Best of luck to you Flowers

Ellmau · 13/10/2021 17:24

A month is hardly any time. It makes you look awfully grabby, OP.

Maybe she's thinking of making it a Christmas present.

Lotusmonster · 13/10/2021 17:25

Sorry for your hard times and Dads loss OP. I can totally understand your sadness. It’s annoying when people promise or even suggest forthcoming monies then don’t give it. But I think you just have to let this one go and it’s for your DH to talk to his mum if he wants to. Sorry. It is mean of spirit tho.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/10/2021 17:28

It would depend for me their attitudes towards money. If they expected it, asked for it or weren’t doing everything they could to make their own way in life I’d be reluctant to finance them.
It won’t be an issue as we won’t get anything. I’d like to help mine get on the property ladder but realise that it comes with risks as a spouse could take half.

Babyroobs · 13/10/2021 17:28

@Suspicioussam

I'm torn on this one. My parents have just inherited a sum about half the size of that. They don't need the money. No mortgage, lots of savings and investments, big pension that increases every year, nice holiday (or two) every year. But I know my parents worry about the cost of their care in the future. They are VERY cautious about this so no amount of savings seems to be enough to make them relax about giving us money and they do like to enjoy a nice lifestyle but it's not lavish. They helped with our first property deposit and weddings though. I think they are generous but cautious so I'm not at all offended if they don't share the inheritance even though it would make a huge difference to our lives.
Yes I was going to say this. 450k would buy better care should she ever need it.
grapewine · 13/10/2021 17:29

@Jinnybean

I think I’m feeling abit raw. My dad died 2 weeks ago and it’s his funeral tomorrow. We can barely afford it. He’s not even having flowers.
I'm sorry, OP -- that's really tough. Please don't worry about the flowers. They're not important.

Take time to breathe and grieve.

Silversun83 · 13/10/2021 17:32

My dad wouldn't (and hasn't). I wasn't expecting anything but both my grandmother and mum died last year and nothing 🤷‍♀️

onelittlefrog · 13/10/2021 17:34

I would yes.

But I wouldn't expect it from anyone else. I think it's a personal decision and you need to respect it.

WeLovePeaSoup · 13/10/2021 17:35

I’m really sorry about your Dad. It’s such a hard time, my condolences.
About MIL I really hope she will give the money she said for Christmas as a present. £450k is an awful lot of money and I can’t believe other posters are saying it’s not much and I live close to London.
The trouble is if she was never a generous person she will never be. Not a nice traits though.
I would help for all my kids for sure but 10k is not that much compared to 450K

wheresmyshoe · 13/10/2021 17:41

@Silversun83

My dad wouldn't (and hasn't). I wasn't expecting anything but both my grandmother and mum died last year and nothing 🤷‍♀️
Same here, I find it hurtful not because I'm entitled but because the deceased would have assumed he'd share it and said as much, sadly that wasn't put in the will. Instead he's spent £250k and counting on cruises that he then complains to me about if any tiny detail is wrong.
theleafandnotthetree · 13/10/2021 17:46

@lastqueenofscotland

It depends. I guess if it was to last 15/20 years of retirement it’s not a huge amount? My mother had a huge inheritance (not sure of exact figure but was well into 7 figures). She gave me and my siblings £150k each but we didn’t expect it by any means.
Hah! I'd love to have a 10th of that to make my last 15-20 years easier. It is a LOT of money
Thomasina79 · 13/10/2021 17:51

I wouldn’t hesitate to help them. To have such a large sum and see my adult children suffering with huge mortgages and rents and not help them would be out of the question.

Doubt I will ever be in that happy position though!