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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being precious or would this not bother you?

283 replies

Pinkpanther6878 · 12/10/2021 23:45

In large DIY department store today,needed to use loo, and which are located through a door in corner of store that then opens into corridor (about say 7/8 meters long) with female and male toilet doors separately going off this corridor, and disabled toilet at end of corridor. Except now the separate male and female toilets (usually for customer use) are locked and only for staff use, not sure why but anyway signs saying to use disabled toilet, of which there is only one, so therefore unisex. I proceed down corridor, the disabled toilet door of which is wide open (and wide open into corridor, it's a pull door to get in not push). I become aware of sound of someone urinating,so I stop well before door,and shortly after a middle aged man walks out,still messing with his fly. I give him slightly unapproving look but he just carries on past me in corridor looking totally vacant. To add he also didnt bother flushing the toilet, so I was greeted by toilet full of dark slightly frothy urine,nor did he put seat down,but I probably am being picky on that latter point.
Anyway more I think about it the more I am feeling bit disturbed,even violated by the whole thing. Like this man didnt care about closing let alone locking the door, so anyone could have walked in on him plus the lack of respect not flushing afterwards, just seems really gross and off. Also as a single 30 something female am feeling especially conscious at moment of needing safe space etc, and be nice if men were conscious of this too, not actively making no effort. Just to add, this man was a member of the public/customer, not a staff member.
Yes YABU - thinking too much into it,get over it.
No YANBU - it is concerning

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 13/10/2021 21:07

As opposed to a silly incident that a young guy was bigging up and bragging about to his mates, as young men do unfortunately

Boys will be boys, eh, @CounsellorTroi?

MiddlesexGirl · 13/10/2021 21:10

This sort of thing has happened to me in the past (more than once) - couldn't care less, and I certainly have never felt "violated". You need to harden up a bit OP (and others).

You do you. But forgive me if I find this gross and so off-putting as to make me choose if at all possible to go elsewhere. And then not to go back to that store.

CSIblonde · 13/10/2021 21:13

Grim. Plus a 10 year old was raped in the toilets at a supermarket in my very sedate, safe , rural home town 2 years back. They've since installed CC TV. I've not used supermarket loo's since tbh, so yes you aren't BU in feeling concerned.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/10/2021 21:14

Bookmark

MiddlesexGirl

You do you. But forgive me if I find this gross and so off-putting as to make me choose if at all possible to go elsewhere. And then not to go back to that store.

However you feel about the act, this certainly is unreasonable. It’s hardly the fault of the store! I imagine the same happens in Harrods and Fortnums, perish the thought. (Actually, probably fairly frequently.)

CounsellorTroi · 13/10/2021 21:15

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

As opposed to a silly incident that a young guy was bigging up and bragging about to his mates, as young men do unfortunately

Boys will be boys, eh, @CounsellorTroi?

I did say unfortunately and I was in no way excusing what they said.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 13/10/2021 21:21

You’re minimising it, @CounsellorTroi
You’re absolutely excusing it.

CounsellorTroi · 13/10/2021 21:25

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

You’re minimising it, *@CounsellorTroi* You’re absolutely excusing it.
I don’t really care what you think. I know I’m not.
LoveFall · 13/10/2021 21:34

Many "disabled" toilets where I live are used by one and all. I need to use them quite often. I can tell you that when men use them as well as women they are almost always dirtier. Seats left up, toilet not flushed, pee on the floor etc. I don't understand why. I also know men do not need as much privacy as women just to pee, hence urinals.

We also have a large population of immigrants here and they are not used to sitting on toilets, so they climb up on the seat and stand to pee. This makes a mess and unfortunately breaks the seats. It also makes the seat dirty. Many places have removed the seats and we have signs with a person standing on the seat with a line through it.

As a person with ulcerative colitis, it is getting more and more difficult to feel comfortable using public facilities.

I agree we are in a race to the bottom.

gofg · 13/10/2021 22:10

There's women on here who bend over backwards to minimise the behaviour of men. Women and children can be put at any risk, so they can carry on with their behaviour. Then you've got those who deny that men pose any risk to women.

A man peeing, not bothering to lock the door, not washing his hands or flushing the loo is putting women at risk Hmm

Men are not like women, when they use a loo they don't require absolute privacy so they simply don't think like a woman when they get a call of nature. I seriously doubt this man left the door open so he could "violate" anyone. As for the not flushing etc., yes it's not nice, but it happens time and time again and I really can't be bothered getting worked up about it. Seriously if this is the most worrying thing in your life then you have extremely limited lives.

I am beginning to see why mental health issues are so off the scale these days if this is what causes angst. Most people of my generation, or the previous ones, would not react in this OTT way.

CatonMat · 13/10/2021 22:22

So, if any of you have female friends around, would you just excuse this kind of thing from your husband as an oversight?
Would you excuse it if it happened to a teen girl visitor?
How about your own children staying over at a friends house and being put in this position?

MiddlesexGirl · 13/10/2021 23:26

@MrsSkylerWhite

Bookmark

MiddlesexGirl

You do you. But forgive me if I find this gross and so off-putting as to make me choose if at all possible to go elsewhere. And then not to go back to that store.

However you feel about the act, this certainly is unreasonable. It’s hardly the fault of the store! I imagine the same happens in Harrods and Fortnums, perish the thought. (Actually, probably fairly frequently.)

Of course it's the fault of the store. If they retained their unisex toilet provision it wouldn't happen.
PlanDeRaccordement · 14/10/2021 11:48

There's women on here who bend over backwards to minimise the behaviour of men. Women and children can be put at any risk, so they can carry on with their behaviour. Then you've got those who deny that men pose any risk to women.

This is not a behaviour that puts women at risk. You must live a terrifying life if you think merely disgusting behaviour puts women at risk. The OP was never at risk at all for a nanosecond.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/10/2021 11:51

@CatonMat

So, if any of you have female friends around, would you just excuse this kind of thing from your husband as an oversight? Would you excuse it if it happened to a teen girl visitor? How about your own children staying over at a friends house and being put in this position?
Not comparable because this situation is regarding disgusting, filthy PUBLIC toilets. Has nothing to do with your own toilet in your own home.

If you go to private toilet in private bathroom in own home, it only gets worse. Several threads on MN has female OPs being disgusting, lu8e the one who mentioned casually about going in and having a shit on the toilet while their DH or DC are taking a bath.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 14/10/2021 12:31

@PlanDeRaccordement
He didn’t close the door. Anyone, a child, a teenage girl, an elderly lady could have walked in and been exposed to his penis.

Eilatan2018 · 14/10/2021 12:49

It’s gross but some people are! Don’t make it about feeling safe though, I don’t think that’s the actual issue here! He didn’t do anything to you, just left the toilet in a mess.. he hasn’t actually violated you. Public toilets are vile … I tend to hover and get out as fast as I can and antibac myself ASAP!

Franca123 · 14/10/2021 12:58

Whenever that has happened to me, it fucks me right off. It's an aggressive marking of territory. Like, 'what you going to do about it?'. I think it's mad that people want to let men into women's public toilets.

Franca123 · 14/10/2021 13:02

This is one reason why I hate mixed sex toilets. Men leave the door open. Fucking gross. Please have female only toilets cus I don't want to see some random cock. And for all the women who think lady cock is different..... you get on with it but please leave me out of it.

PostcodeJack · 14/10/2021 13:20

I've read the OP's posts several times and really can't see where she says he didn't wash his hands? Grateful if someone could point it out

Other than that, I do think "violated" is a bit of an overreaction

Yeah, not locking the toilet door and not flushing isn't great but it's hardly the crime of the century. I'm more interested in what diy store has loos

CounsellorTroi · 14/10/2021 13:34

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@PlanDeRaccordement
He didn’t close the door. Anyone, a child, a teenage girl, an elderly lady could have walked in and been exposed to his penis.[/quote]
He would have had his back to the door in most store loos, anyone opening the door and realising it was occupied would surely have backed out and shut the door pretty quickly?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 14/10/2021 13:36

He would have had his back to the door in most store loos, anyone opening the door and realising it was occupied would surely have backed out and shut the door pretty quickly?

You weren’t there. I wasn’t there. All we know is he’s the kind of man who doesn’t think his penis needs to be kept private.
Is it not possible for him to turn to see who was coming in?

Why are you so concerned with defending, excusing and minimising this behaviour?

CounsellorTroi · 14/10/2021 13:38

Why are you so concerned with defending, excusing and minimising this behaviour?

I’m not, just trying to apply a bit of common sense.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/10/2021 13:47

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@PlanDeRaccordement
He didn’t close the door. Anyone, a child, a teenage girl, an elderly lady could have walked in and been exposed to his penis.[/quote]
Well he probably had his back to the door as OP did not see his penis at all. So it’s a bit over blown to suggest that anyone could have seen it, when no one did. Plus it’s not like it’s a deadly weapon or would cause you to fall in a faint from pure shock of the indecency.

TheOrigRights · 14/10/2021 13:49

@PostcodeJack

I've read the OP's posts several times and really can't see where she says he didn't wash his hands? Grateful if someone could point it out

Other than that, I do think "violated" is a bit of an overreaction

Yeah, not locking the toilet door and not flushing isn't great but it's hardly the crime of the century. I'm more interested in what diy store has loos

I think because he was still messing with his fly. Even if he had washed his hands before sorting his flies out, he'd need to wash them again afterwards. I think so anyway - I am not a man.
PlanDeRaccordement · 14/10/2021 13:52

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

He would have had his back to the door in most store loos, anyone opening the door and realising it was occupied would surely have backed out and shut the door pretty quickly?

You weren’t there. I wasn’t there. All we know is he’s the kind of man who doesn’t think his penis needs to be kept private.
Is it not possible for him to turn to see who was coming in?

Why are you so concerned with defending, excusing and minimising this behaviour?

Which is most men as in men’s toilets they are expected from boyhood to urinate in full view of other men. And he didn’t get his penis out in front of OP. He was alone having a wee when she intruded into his space.

Not defending, excusing, minimising...it was disgusting and gross behaviour but most public toilets are disgusting and gross. And I don’t think it is minimising to say that. I personally think the “feeling unsafe” and “violated” is an overreaction and paints women as fragile, fainting flowers that can’t deal with the tiniest of annoyances.

Franca123 · 14/10/2021 14:00

Are we actually moving to a place where the majority want to decriminalise flashing?