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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being precious or would this not bother you?

283 replies

Pinkpanther6878 · 12/10/2021 23:45

In large DIY department store today,needed to use loo, and which are located through a door in corner of store that then opens into corridor (about say 7/8 meters long) with female and male toilet doors separately going off this corridor, and disabled toilet at end of corridor. Except now the separate male and female toilets (usually for customer use) are locked and only for staff use, not sure why but anyway signs saying to use disabled toilet, of which there is only one, so therefore unisex. I proceed down corridor, the disabled toilet door of which is wide open (and wide open into corridor, it's a pull door to get in not push). I become aware of sound of someone urinating,so I stop well before door,and shortly after a middle aged man walks out,still messing with his fly. I give him slightly unapproving look but he just carries on past me in corridor looking totally vacant. To add he also didnt bother flushing the toilet, so I was greeted by toilet full of dark slightly frothy urine,nor did he put seat down,but I probably am being picky on that latter point.
Anyway more I think about it the more I am feeling bit disturbed,even violated by the whole thing. Like this man didnt care about closing let alone locking the door, so anyone could have walked in on him plus the lack of respect not flushing afterwards, just seems really gross and off. Also as a single 30 something female am feeling especially conscious at moment of needing safe space etc, and be nice if men were conscious of this too, not actively making no effort. Just to add, this man was a member of the public/customer, not a staff member.
Yes YABU - thinking too much into it,get over it.
No YANBU - it is concerning

OP posts:
starrynight87 · 13/10/2021 14:52

YANBU - he had no respect or manners.

Westerman · 13/10/2021 14:54

I agree with you, OP. Absolutely grim. The issues around children's and women's safety are very disturbing.

AND disabled accessible toilets are not really meant for general use. It's awful when you can't get in because of a selfish or lazy, able bodied person. Now it looks like the accessible loos we need are going to be as filthy as a set of urinals.

Guetzlibache · 13/10/2021 14:55

@TheOrigRights.their girlfriends/wifes/boyfriends/husbands will be ever so pleased😀👍

PrettyVacancy · 13/10/2021 15:33

So many women on here will apparently accept disrespectful and downright gross behaviour from men. Maybe they just really enjoy cleaning up urine from their own bathroom floors ? It takes all sorts …

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 13/10/2021 15:45

@PrettyVacancy

So many women on here will apparently accept disrespectful and downright gross behaviour from men. Maybe they just really enjoy cleaning up urine from their own bathroom floors ? It takes all sorts …
I can’t believe how many posters are just completely ignoring the fact that the door was left open while he got his genitals out. Are expectations of males really so low that we can’t imagine not having to see the penises of strangers? It could have so easily been a child walking in and being subjected to that disgusting display.
RedMarauder · 13/10/2021 17:02

@Guetzlibache

There ought to be a special lesson in school for boys:how to use a loo! Absolutely disgusting.I would have straight gone to the store manager and complaint
No the issue is parents not teaching their children, especially boys, how to use the toilet.

I've worked in more than one office where a cleaner had to leave signs in the ladies toilets telling women to clear up after themselves. There was no correlation on whether they left signs in the mens.

I've also walked in on boys using toilets and not locking them. Girls the same age tend to have an adult or older child with them.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 13/10/2021 17:16

Unless you stood there staring at him I doubt that he necessarily had time to register embarrassment before you turned away.

What I did have time to notice was that he wasn't startled, 2Two, which is what you'd expect if he genuinely thought he'd locked the door. No, he knew that door wasn't shut.

CounsellorTroi · 13/10/2021 17:34

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I doubt he did it on purpose, he was probably startled by someone bursting in on him, as anyone would be.

Hmmm so startled that he just had to brag about exposing himself to a young woman. Poor guy. How traumatic for him.

He didn’t “expose himself” he was peeing when a woman burst in. I’m not defending what he said to his mates but you seem determined to paint this incident as something it in all probability wasn’t. You don’t even know that he left wee all over the seat.
Chikapu · 13/10/2021 17:39

Violated? Wow.

Anonymous48 · 13/10/2021 17:44

I have absolutely no problem with single unisex toilets, but I think it's disgusting when people using them don't lock the door. I had that experience on a plane once. The door wasn't locked, I opened the door, and a man was sitting there on the toilet. It left me feeling angry and violated.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/10/2021 18:03

@JoborPlay

I think it's rude and unpleasant rather than disturbing. I know in some city centres they have urinals on the street.
Me also. He couldn’t have known a woman would also need the toilet and walk in while he was there. Could have been no one, or another man. And men are used to urinating publicly in urinals so most probably think nothing of not locking a door when doing so.

Disgusting and dirty, but not disturbing

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 13/10/2021 19:10

He didn’t “expose himself” he was peeing when a woman burst in. I’m not defending what he said to his mates but you seem determined to paint this incident as something it in all probability wasn’t. You don’t even know that he left wee all over the seat.

He was bragging about not closing the door properly so that a woman was in the situation where she couldn’t avoid seeing his penis. He didn’t say he felt bad. He didn’t mention being ashamed. He bragged about showing his penis to a woman who did not consent to seeing it.
I didn’t mention anything about pissing on the seat.
Stop defending males sexually harassing females.

Malin52 · 13/10/2021 19:27

@ILoveJamaica

Anyway more I think about it the more I am feeling bit disturbed, even violated by the whole thing

Sorry, but my eyes rolled back in my head at this comment. How were you violated by a bit of piss in a toilet?

The exact same thing happened to me in some unisex toilets in San Fransisco and I felt exactly the same. Hard to describe but.. Waiting in a corridor in a bar for a toilet. Man in front of me went in so there was just me in the corridor. He left the door ajar while he noisily pissed He left, didn't look at me but marched up the corridor back to the bar while I entered the loo and found it unflushed and piss on the seat. It was like act of defiance against me or a power trip of some sort. Like he'd marked his territory. No reason for him to do that, we had no interaction or exchange prior to him using the loo. Either way I agree with the OP. I felt violated or belittled in some way. I still remember it because it made me feel so small even though it was 5 years ago. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing and how it would make me feel.
PumpkinsandTea · 13/10/2021 20:08

Sorry but I don't see the issue at all? I really don't (except the not flushing or washing his hands of course)

gofg · 13/10/2021 20:09

From this, and several other threads I've read, I seriously wonder how some of the delicate flowers on MN cope with life, it seems to be oh so stressful for many of you.

Get over yourselves! The man probably just forgot the loo was unisex, I very much doubt he did it to offend (or "violate") anyone. Yes, of course he should have flushed, washed his hands etc., but honestly if this sort of thing upsets you so much you need to get out more. It happens, move on.

PumpkinsandTea · 13/10/2021 20:10

Honestly, some people just have an offense-radar constantly spinning

gofg · 13/10/2021 20:12

I agree @PumpkinsandTea - it's mad isn't it. Honestly, I would have thought everyone had experienced this sort of thing at some time, and either laughed it off or not given it a second thought. Maybe I just live in a more down to earth country!

PumpkinsandTea · 13/10/2021 20:13

@Carriemac

Leaving the door open while peeing is disgusting. I would feel violated by witnessing this and scared too.
HmmHmmHmmBiscuit
PumpkinsandTea · 13/10/2021 20:16

@DillonPanthersTexas

YABU for using the following description:

"dark slightly frothy urine"

@Pinkpanther6878 FGS OP, did you REALLY have to be so descriptive? I genuinely feel slightly sick now
Anonymous48 · 13/10/2021 20:17

@PumpkinsandTea

Sorry but I don't see the issue at all? I really don't (except the not flushing or washing his hands of course)
Really? You don't see the issue? The door to the toilet was not only unlocked but open, so any reasonable person would assume it wasn't occupied. The unsuspecting person would then walk in and instead of an empty toilet stall be greeted by a man with his penis in his hands urinating. How can you think this is OK?
Ponoka7 · 13/10/2021 20:22

There was a spate of men deliberately bumping into women. There was pig dancing and you can bet that getting to the toilet first and pissing on toilet seat is going to become a thing.

CounsellorTroi · 13/10/2021 20:23

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

He didn’t “expose himself” he was peeing when a woman burst in. I’m not defending what he said to his mates but you seem determined to paint this incident as something it in all probability wasn’t. You don’t even know that he left wee all over the seat.

He was bragging about not closing the door properly so that a woman was in the situation where she couldn’t avoid seeing his penis. He didn’t say he felt bad. He didn’t mention being ashamed. He bragged about showing his penis to a woman who did not consent to seeing it.
I didn’t mention anything about pissing on the seat.
Stop defending males sexually harassing females.

The post originally said

“Last week I was at a shopping centre and overheard a young guy bragging to his mates about how a 'girl' (his word but think he meant young woman) had just burst in on him in the loo as he'd not locked it properly - think he'd been in a unisex shop toilet - and he was laughing about it and how he'd 'pissed all over the seat'. He then said - and this is the bit that made me feel sick - 'at least she got to see my big dick' to much laughter from his mates.”

He didn’t say he’d left the door unlocked on purpose. Is that a thing now - passive indecent exposure by deliberately leaving toilet doors unlocked? I would never defend sexual harassment but it’s not at all clear that sexual harassment happened here. As opposed to a silly incident that a young guy was bigging up and bragging about to his mates, as young men do unfortunately.

Flowiththego · 13/10/2021 20:23

Disgusting and entitled behaviour. He cba to lock door/flush/wash hands. Presumably the corridor was empty when he went in there. I would be annoyed, but not feel violated.

Ponoka7 · 13/10/2021 20:24

"Sorry but I don't see the issue at all? I really don't (except the not flushing or washing his hands of course)"
"Really? You don't see the issue? "

There's women on here who bend over backwards to minimise the behaviour of men. Women and children can be put at any risk, so they can carry on with their behaviour. Then you've got those who deny that men pose any risk to women.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/10/2021 21:05

I commented earlier in the thread that I thought this was awful behaviour.
This afternoon, I watched Help and it made me think.

Could he have had dementia or another illness? The healthcare system is screwed. Many people who ought to be looked after in residential care aren’t and are muddling through the best way they can, with family help or not.

Just another possible perspective?