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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you have a fulfilling life if you never dated?

97 replies

SoLoveless · 12/10/2021 17:02

If a person has always been single. No one ever chose them, never gonna be loved.
Whole life alone. No one wanted to share and build their life with you.
I mean it has to affect them, right?
How they view themselves?

When ”everybody else” has multiple love of their lives and you couldn’t get even one….
To feel all the pain and the emotions when you see couples….

OP posts:
IComeInPeace · 12/10/2021 21:44

I regret the time i spent dating. I was pushing water up hill.

zonkyzonky · 12/10/2021 21:55

@Essen

If you never apply for a job you don’t generally find one. It is the same for relationships. You have to go looking for one.
But most people didn't go looking for their partners by hunting them down on dating apps. They normally met them via school, college, university, work, through friends, on a night out.

Dating apps are a modern phenomenon ...less than 20 years old?

It's luck, timing and being at the right place and the right time

zonkyzonky · 12/10/2021 21:58

@IComeInPeace

I regret the time i spent dating. I was pushing water up hill.
I agree. And this is coming from someone who met an ex partner on a dating app who is now a very good friend! He was the 0.1% the rest of 99.9 waste of time
Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 22:00

But most people didn't go looking for their partners by hunting them down on dating apps

What are you talking about? Do you mean most people who are over a certain age and still with someone after twenty odd years.

What a silly statement to make,

Againstmachine · 12/10/2021 22:02

I'm a man and Welcome to my world OP it is what it is I'm not angry with anyone apart from my own failings.

zonkyzonky · 12/10/2021 22:04

No, in reply to @Essen

If you never apply for a job you don’t generally find one. It is the same for relationships. You have to go looking for one.

"Looking for a relationship".... Most people don't look for one, it just happens. Nothing silly about that

whatnumber · 12/10/2021 22:04

It's not about looks AT ALL - more about attitude. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and get hurt a number of times!
Also a LOT of compromise when you do meet someone!

Comedycook · 12/10/2021 22:09

Most people don't look for one, it just happens

You are so wrong

Comedycook · 12/10/2021 22:11

most people didn't go looking for their partners by hunting them down on dating apps. They normally met them via school, college, university, work, through friends, on a night out

I'm a bit too old to have done internet dating. However, I definitely looked for a relationship when I was single. I didn't passively sit around waiting for some man to deem me beautiful enough to pick me.

Againstmachine · 12/10/2021 22:12

Most people don't look for one, it just happens

People who say this are usually in relationships or drift from one to another

thepeopleversuswork · 12/10/2021 22:27

Hi OP: I think this question has really to be answered in two parts corresponding to two different life stages.

In the short term, during “childbearing” years it is going to be something of a limitation if you have never dated anyone. It’s a critical life experience which you are missing out on.

In the much longer term it’s absolutely possible to have a fulfilling life without dating. In fact I think a single life is ultimately far more rewarding. No responsibility for someone else. Nothing limiting you or holding you back. No distraction from false or fake emotions. The vast majority of committed monogamous relationships are very limiting to us. They may us happy for a certain amount of time. But by God if I think of how much more I would have achieved without men in my life it makes me want to cry.

I realise that may not comfort you much now. But it may comfort you to know older single women are often far happier and fulfilled than those dragged down my marriages and cohabitation.

leavesthataregreen · 12/10/2021 22:37

OP I think it does affect people very deeply. But the biggest stumbling block is attitude. If you think it's 'never gonna happen' then you are sending out signals to people not to bother, not to approach you. And unfair though it is, people who think they are unlovable or have something wrong with them are way less attractive than people who like themselves. Physical looks have far less to do with it than core self respect.

Would you be interested in working on your self respect, self care, self love?
Would you be interested in going on a few dates, not with a view to them leading to love, just to get used to meeting a new person, finding out about them, sharing something of yourself, so that if and when you meet the right person, you have already got that experience?

INeedNewShoes · 12/10/2021 23:00

It definitely affects how I view myself that I never found a partner to settle down with. Deep down knowledge that I have failed at something that the vast majority of others manage to do, many of whom very easily it seems and, worse, the feeling that there must be something inherently unattractive about me.

I did do the dating thing, almost like a part time job, for a few years in my late 20s/early 30s. Had a few dates but nothing ever led anywhere really.

I've always had a busy social life doing precisely the sort of things that other people always suggest as ways to meet people (hobbies carried on from teenage years rather than specifically to meet people).

I don't like the sense of blame towards the OP for not trying hard enough which is coming across in some of these responses. I've done a lot of the 'right' things and it still never happened for me. Closest I got was a couple of very short-term relationships.

Most of the time I appreciate the freedom I have being single and feel grateful that I'm at least not trapped in a bad relationship but if I'm at a low ebb it does get to me sometimes.

Osrie · 12/10/2021 23:07

The relationships that some people end up in and sometimes repeatedly end up in makes me yabu. I understand what you are saying but sometimes it’s better to be single rather than the way some people are treated.

zonkyzonky · 12/10/2021 23:11

@INeedNewShoes

It definitely affects how I view myself that I never found a partner to settle down with. Deep down knowledge that I have failed at something that the vast majority of others manage to do, many of whom very easily it seems and, worse, the feeling that there must be something inherently unattractive about me.

I did do the dating thing, almost like a part time job, for a few years in my late 20s/early 30s. Had a few dates but nothing ever led anywhere really.

I've always had a busy social life doing precisely the sort of things that other people always suggest as ways to meet people (hobbies carried on from teenage years rather than specifically to meet people).

I don't like the sense of blame towards the OP for not trying hard enough which is coming across in some of these responses. I've done a lot of the 'right' things and it still never happened for me. Closest I got was a couple of very short-term relationships.

Most of the time I appreciate the freedom I have being single and feel grateful that I'm at least not trapped in a bad relationship but if I'm at a low ebb it does get to me sometimes.

Absolutely. Doing the right things and having the right attitude doesn't translate in to getting a relationship. It isn't a formula. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.
spotcheck · 12/10/2021 23:17

OP
Your age?

Have you thought about a dating coach?

My aunt found the love of her life at 65. Fills me with hope!
I think you are never too old 💕

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/10/2021 23:25

Yes of course you can OP because you are being your authentic self. As long as you are doing the things you want to do and pushing yourself a bit.
I've had three husbands and am stunned by the waste of life hoping these idiots would fulfil me in some way.
I'm single now, living mine exactly as I want to and have no intention of ever dating again.
No man will or can fulfil you. At most all they can be is a companion and sexual partner.
I have entry of gay man friends I can go to the pub with or to an event with.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/10/2021 23:27

I brought my son up alone too. You don't need a man for a family. Just a sperm donor.

Dillydollydingdong · 12/10/2021 23:32

How old is old OP? Pps have asked, but you haven't answered. You're never too old. I found my OH at 69. Although admittedly he's the latest in a long line! Wink

user1471519931 · 12/10/2021 23:37

Go easy on yourself. I think this is a modern day obsession - in the past as people grew up, some people would have just known they had no prospects of marrying and having a family - people who lived in service, school teachers, nuns, priests, farm hands, soldiers etc etc...these people were tied to their live in job, small wage and provided accommodation - there was no way for them to change their situation and it was just accepted, by everyone and judged less. Today we are presented with the idea of the nuclear family as the norm but it really isn't.

Beamur · 12/10/2021 23:38

From what you have said, it sounds like you are opening yourself up to the possibility of a relationship. That's a bit daunting if you have previously shut yourself off from forming attachments.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to feel that you are worthy and to like yourself. Beauty is relative and few relationships actually depend on it or require it. Be interested in others and create opportunities to meet people - not necessarily in a romantic sense, but socially. It really is never too late. Being happy and content with yourself is incredibly attractive to other people.
Being single, if you choose it, or it chooses you, doesn't have to be a negative choice either.

Cissyandflora · 12/10/2021 23:40

I can relate op. I’ve never been wanted or chosen either. No one would want to have a life with me. I’m not lonely because I have a busy life. But it definitely has an effect on my self esteem.

shakehandswithdanger · 12/10/2021 23:55

I believe that anyone can have a fulfilling life, no matter what their circumstances. Not everyone will have the same luck with love, or anything else, for that matter, but we can all find ways to make our lives meaningful and worth living.

Love is one of those things you should never entirely write off, even if it seems it will never happen for you. If it's important to you, stay open to the possibility, but also be aware that if it never works out, it doesn't have to stop you feeling fulfilled in other areas of your life.

bridgetreilly · 13/10/2021 00:45

Yes, you can live a very happy, fulfilled, satisfying life as a single person who has never dated. You can have many friends who love you and include you in their family life. You can have all kinds of interests and hobbies. You can have a career you love. You can be happy with yourself, your appearance and your personality without needing someone else to validate that.

It can be brilliant. And, yes, sometimes it can be awful too. So can being in a relationship, though.

grapewine · 13/10/2021 00:56

It definitely affects how I view myself that I never found a partner to settle down with. Deep down knowledge that I have failed at something that the vast majority of others manage to do, many of whom very easily it seems and, worse, the feeling that there must be something inherently unattractive about me.

This really resonates, painfully so.

But OP, on the other hand, I have decided that it is what it is. I stopped trying, as it wasn't working. I have had FWB though, but I live life on my own terms. I have a good life - most days. Luckily, as well, I like my own company.

And others have mostly stopped the remarks about my choices, which helps.