Can you have a fulfilling life if you never dated?

[SoLoveless]

If a person has always been single. No one ever chose them, never gonna be loved.
Whole life alone. No one wanted to share and build their life with you.
I mean it has to affect them, right?
How they view themselves?

When ”everybody else” has multiple love of their lives and you couldn’t get even one….
To feel all the pain and the emotions when you see couples….

I think its about filling you're life with things you enjoy and bring you pleasure/fulfilment.

You could be married/in a relationship and still feel very lonely.

Surely you can’t be that old? Dating is a bit of a numbers game if you’re really set on finding someone. Go online and set up loads of dates, more than one in a day if needs be. It only has to be an hour for a coffee if you like. Be texting more than one guy at a time. Remember, you’re CHOOSING THEM just as much as they’re CHOOSING YOU!! Make this your 6 month goal to go on a certain number of dates, I reckon 50 could be doable. If you want a partner, their may well be one out there for you but you have to truly want it and be able to sort the wheat from the chaff.

@Underamour

OP I can see this script runs around your head on the daily. But please, for balance, could you add you’ve never been raped, used for sex then dumped, your ex has never beaten you up, you’ve never been called a slag and a ho because you fell for an idiot while he gets called a stud, the guy you snogged at the weekend’s girlfriend has never attacked you or spread rumours about you even though you thought he was single and he came on to you etc.

FWIW I agree the pain of not being loved is probably worse than the pain of a broken heart. However, you chose this! You didn’t try to date, you didn’t settle for someone who would be loyal, you didn’t throw your heart an soul into it. You could change that today- a chance meeting, a smile, a chat leading to something. Go on the dating sites and make the effort. There are lots of single men in the same position as you. You don’t have to tell them you have never dated just be vague about a long term relationship.

Change that script OP from nobody has ever wanted me to I’ve never tried to let anyone in but I’m going to try now. Anything can happen.

In answer to your question I know many happy singletons and some unhappy ones too. Being single taught me to stand on my own two feet and do everything myself and Made me stronger than ever before and that is a blessing.

Re my previous post just to say the list of things that can go wrong in relationships is based on an average week on mn and not my own dating history. No ex has ever hit me for example I was just pointing out there are two sides to every story.

@todaysdilemma

I don't disagree with the idea that finding a good life partner is a good aspiration. The problem is the mindset for going about it.

The fundamental point about good relationships as opposed to relationships just for the sake of ticking the box is that they rely on you feeling supremely confident. You have to totally love yourself or no one will love you back.

A person who radiates that they are on the hunt for a relationship is by definition a massive turn-off. It's the least appealing thing in the world.

It's a dreadful Catch 22: you have to appear to not care in order to attract anyone half decent. But it is what it is. And anyone who has "I want a relationship" figuratively tattooed on their forehead will have good partners running for the hills while the abusive exploitative ones will make a beeline.

The only solution really in my view is to push having a relationship absolutely to the back of your mind. It's worked for me as well.

I have to say, in the kindest way, the problem is your attitude towards dating and relationships. Hoards of average and even unattractive people find relationships. There is nothing fundamentally unlovable about you...nor is there any great difference between you and someone in a relationship. Your attitude of wanting to be chosen or picked and if you're not, then believing you're unworthy is the issue. I have a friend in my friendship group who I've never known to have a relationship. She is attractive and a nice person. She just makes zero effort to find someone. When you're single, you have to take a few risks. Prince charming isn't going to appear and whisk you off your feet. You usually end up having a few crappy dates until you find someone you click with.

@thepeopleversuswork yes, that I agree with. It's a balance between knowing you would like to find one vs still having enough in your life to keep you occupied that it's not your only focus. Dating should fit around your life but you still to need make time and space to facilitate it.

So just to clarify.
By ”chosen” I meant that someone gets to know you and want to be with you (both chooses to be with eachother). So they choose to be with you, of all the people.
Surely that has to be a self-esteem booster.

I’m not waiting on any princes, don’t care for men.
Not waiting on anyone to rescue me.

And what I asked about was, how being single all one’s life affects how they feel about and view themselves, in the world where being a couple is put high on the pedastel.

Mostly I just feel weird navigating through life alone. I personally don’t know anyone else who has been always single, or even long term single at some point.

If I wanted dating tips or being aggressively told how it’s all my fault, I would have started a topic
specifically about that.

@SoLoveless

So just to clarify. By ”chosen” I meant that someone gets to know you and want to be with you (both chooses to be with eachother). So they choose to be with you, of all the people. Surely that has to be a self-esteem booster.

I’m not waiting on any princes, don’t care for men.
Not waiting on anyone to rescue me.

And what I asked about was, how being single all one’s life affects how they feel about and view themselves, in the world where being a couple is put high on the pedastel.

Mostly I just feel weird navigating through life alone. I personally don’t know anyone else who has been always single, or even long term single at some point.

If I wanted dating tips or being aggressively told how it’s all my fault, I would have started a topic
specifically about that.

Well, to answer your question- if you're someone who doesn't want a relationship, then being single is fulfilling.

If you did want one, satisfied that you made all the effort and are very clear on why it didn't work out, then being single can be fulfilling. Because you won't have regrets and have understood yourself better and what will make you happy.

If you did want one and are not in one, but know you never made much effort, and have no idea why it didn't work out, it will never be fulfilling. Because you will live in regret and self pity.

Only you know which of those buckets you fall under.

@Bluntness100

Op you’ve not responded to your age, I’m guessing you’re not most people’s definition of “very old” are you?

I guess she is 85.

You can absolutely have an amazing life without a partner/children/a high paid job or anything else people seem to put so much weight on.

The problem is if you're always yearning for it, you won't be happy. You simply have to accept what you have, and find things that DO make you happy.

@LindaEllen

You can absolutely have an amazing life without a partner/children/a high paid job or anything else people seem to put so much weight on.

The problem is if you're always yearning for it, you won't be happy. You simply have to accept what you have, and find things that DO make you happy.

This is absolutely spot on.

Absolutely you can have a fulfilling life! And what’s more it is entirely on your own terms!
I can totally understand how you would go through periods of feeling like this too though. Your self esteem has to come from you and how much you respect yourself. That is true for everyone and people in a balanced relationship can get support from a loving partner to help in down times but what often can happen is that people rely entirely on that other person for self esteem and emotional stability which is very risky. If you are a confident person who values yourself you are strong. It sounds like as you have been working on issues you have come to feel more open to wanting to conform a bit more and maybe feel you’re missing out. But I absolutely don’t think this has to be the case. Focus on how strong and independent you are, how you enjoy your life and value yourself - there are many people who will never find that and it is a wonderful gift. If in time you meet someone you are well placed not to lose yourself and to have a relationship on your own terms. Good luck OP - this down time will pass.

That’s so great Zonky! I honestly think one of my friends would go for it, and would be great at it, but she is likely afraid of what people might say about it. She comes from quite a religious background although she’s not religious herself.

The other has expressed how much she wants to have children but that she can’t see it without a Partner to share it with. Fair enough. I’m not sure how much of that is, again, fear of external stigma. I’m not in her position. But I think you are doing what I would do if I were in that position.

I haven't been single all my life but I'm 51 now and since my early thirties have had one celibate relationship which lasted a few years.
My life is definitely fulfilling.

The thing is op...it's doesn't really matter how other people feel. Some will be happy being single and have great lives, for others, perpetual singledom would make them miserable. If you're happy then there's no problem with it...if you're not, then you have the power to make changes to your life

Yes, I think that if you spend most of your life single in a world where romantic relationships are exalted to the extreme (because romance sells movie tickets and feeds consumption), you are likely to question your value in the sense of physical/personal attractiveness.

The same is true if you do have relationships and get cheated on, abused, dumped, etc.

But for sure, being in a relationship - knowing that you could attract SOMEONE - is validating in a certain sense. Just that it's not quite as straightforward as it seems.

But then you have the question of fulfilment. Now we're talking about something different. Because fulfilment absolutely does NOT come from a relationship. Fulfilment 100% comes from within. It's 100% about pursuing paths and experiences that bring you joy - whatever they might be. I actually experience more joy now that I'm single than I ever achieved in a relationship (and I'd been in a lot of relationships, previously).

I was in relationships, from 16 to 33. In some ways, I felt validated. In other ways, I felt rejected. And I'd say my self-esteem was LOWER than it is now that I'm single.

I've now been single for nearly four years. I feel more confident than ever, more at peace, more excited about the endless possibilities / blank canvas kind of vibe ahead of me. But I'd absolutely be lying if I didn't occasionally question whether I'm attractive to others. This doesn't spill over into my overall self-esteem, though. It's purely about whether I'm sexually appealing - wondering what people think when they see my face, speak to me, etc.

Physical attractiveness is just that. Personal magnetism is just that. Self-esteem and self-worth are deeper constructs. They aren't resolved by being in a relationship.

Hmm, I don't know. I am single and am happy, truly content to be single for the rest of my life. I am 29 and when I say that to people they don't believe me, but I genuinely mean it. However, I think that's because I have my daughter and I have had several relationships/dates/shags since the age of 15 and they've all (except the shags and odd dates) caused me hassle and left me feeling hurt. I might feel different if I'd never been experienced that pain.

@dustofneptune

Yes, I think that if you spend most of your life single in a world where romantic relationships are exalted to the extreme (because romance sells movie tickets and feeds consumption), you are likely to question your value in the sense of physical/personal attractiveness.

The same is true if you do have relationships and get cheated on, abused, dumped, etc.

But for sure, being in a relationship - knowing that you could attract SOMEONE - is validating in a certain sense. Just that it's not quite as straightforward as it seems.

But then you have the question of fulfilment. Now we're talking about something different. Because fulfilment absolutely does NOT come from a relationship. Fulfilment 100% comes from within. It's 100% about pursuing paths and experiences that bring you joy - whatever they might be. I actually experience more joy now that I'm single than I ever achieved in a relationship (and I'd been in a lot of relationships, previously).

I was in relationships, from 16 to 33. In some ways, I felt validated. In other ways, I felt rejected. And I'd say my self-esteem was LOWER than it is now that I'm single.

I've now been single for nearly four years. I feel more confident than ever, more at peace, more excited about the endless possibilities / blank canvas kind of vibe ahead of me. But I'd absolutely be lying if I didn't occasionally question whether I'm attractive to others. This doesn't spill over into my overall self-esteem, though. It's purely about whether I'm sexually appealing - wondering what people think when they see my face, speak to me, etc.

Physical attractiveness is just that. Personal magnetism is just that. Self-esteem and self-worth are deeper constructs. They aren't resolved by being in a relationship.

Brilliant post!

@dustofneptune

Yes, I think that if you spend most of your life single in a world where romantic relationships are exalted to the extreme (because romance sells movie tickets and feeds consumption), you are likely to question your value in the sense of physical/personal attractiveness.

The same is true if you do have relationships and get cheated on, abused, dumped, etc.

But for sure, being in a relationship - knowing that you could attract SOMEONE - is validating in a certain sense. Just that it's not quite as straightforward as it seems.

But then you have the question of fulfilment. Now we're talking about something different. Because fulfilment absolutely does NOT come from a relationship. Fulfilment 100% comes from within. It's 100% about pursuing paths and experiences that bring you joy - whatever they might be. I actually experience more joy now that I'm single than I ever achieved in a relationship (and I'd been in a lot of relationships, previously).

I was in relationships, from 16 to 33. In some ways, I felt validated. In other ways, I felt rejected. And I'd say my self-esteem was LOWER than it is now that I'm single.

I've now been single for nearly four years. I feel more confident than ever, more at peace, more excited about the endless possibilities / blank canvas kind of vibe ahead of me. But I'd absolutely be lying if I didn't occasionally question whether I'm attractive to others. This doesn't spill over into my overall self-esteem, though. It's purely about whether I'm sexually appealing - wondering what people think when they see my face, speak to me, etc.

Physical attractiveness is just that. Personal magnetism is just that. Self-esteem and self-worth are deeper constructs. They aren't resolved by being in a relationship.

I really like this comment.

I'm aro ase and have been single my entire life, I went on a date when I was 18 and it wasn't for me. I have a happy, fulfilling life with hobbies, friends, studying etc. I'd imagine it would be different if I wanted a partner though.

One of my best friends is 41 and has never so much as kissed a man. She just has zero interest in a relationship of any romantic sort.

She's very happy, has a good group of friends, travels the world, has a great job and generally seems to live a very full life in a manner that works for her. She does enjoy her own company though which I think helps..