Can you have a fulfilling life if you never dated?

[SoLoveless]

If a person has always been single. No one ever chose them, never gonna be loved.
Whole life alone. No one wanted to share and build their life with you.
I mean it has to affect them, right?
How they view themselves?

When ”everybody else” has multiple love of their lives and you couldn’t get even one….
To feel all the pain and the emotions when you see couples….

@INeedNewShoes

It definitely affects how I view myself that I never found a partner to settle down with. Deep down knowledge that I have failed at something that the vast majority of others manage to do, many of whom very easily it seems and, worse, the feeling that there must be something inherently unattractive about me.

I did do the dating thing, almost like a part time job, for a few years in my late 20s/early 30s. Had a few dates but nothing ever led anywhere really.

I've always had a busy social life doing precisely the sort of things that other people always suggest as ways to meet people (hobbies carried on from teenage years rather than specifically to meet people).

I don't like the sense of blame towards the OP for not trying hard enough which is coming across in some of these responses. I've done a lot of the 'right' things and it still never happened for me. Closest I got was a couple of very short-term relationships.

Most of the time I appreciate the freedom I have being single and feel grateful that I'm at least not trapped in a bad relationship but if I'm at a low ebb it does get to me sometimes.

Thank you for this.

And also to the few other poster who actually answered the main question.

The guys I met when I was younger was while I was out and about, at work, or through other friends. I never did "dating" as in signing up for a website and would never have bothered to make any effort on that front if I didn't just meet people in real life, and would never bother with online dating if I ever found myself single.

@zonkyzonky I didn’t mention anything about dating apps, although I can see why people use them.

You have to go to places to meet people who you might be interested in, you have to talk to people and risk being rejected. You are hardly going to get ‘lucky’, if you passively wait for someone to approach you in the supermarket.

It isn’t about being especially lovable or even particularly attractive. It is about being willing to put yourself out there.

It isn’t necessarily very fulfilling either.

It is also much better and more fulfilling to be alone than with the wrong person.

yes of course you can , with 3 failed relationships behind me and a failed marriage im honestly happier and more bloody contented than i ever was when i was dating in my 20s or being in a relationship

it only will affect you if you define being with someone as being fully happy . i dont ever want to date or be with anyone again , its more aggro than its worth and you read more misery on the relationship boards on here than anything else .

i work in retail and the number of times iv served a miserable couple or listened to them snapping at each other as they walk round the shop is countless , i just think bollocks to that shit , at least on your own if you are unhappy it isnt down to someone your dating causing it

Yes, absolutely - I do. But then it's never been something I wanted. During lockdown although it was HARD doing it on my own, I looked at my friends who were in relationships and gave silent thanks everyday I wasn't locked down with anyone, even where the relationships were strong with nice people.

OP I can see this script runs around your head on the daily. But please, for balance, could you add you’ve never been raped, used for sex then dumped, your ex has never beaten you up, you’ve never been called a slag and a ho because you fell for an idiot while he gets called a stud, the guy you snogged at the weekend’s girlfriend has never attacked you or spread rumours about you even though you thought he was single and he came on to you etc.

FWIW I agree the pain of not being loved is probably worse than the pain of a broken heart. However, you chose this! You didn’t try to date, you didn’t settle for someone who would be loyal, you didn’t throw your heart an soul into it. You could change that today- a chance meeting, a smile, a chat leading to something. Go on the dating sites and make the effort. There are lots of single men in the same position as you. You don’t have to tell them you have never dated just be vague about a long term relationship.

Change that script OP from nobody has ever wanted me to I’ve never tried to let anyone in but I’m going to try now. Anything can happen.

In answer to your question I know many happy singletons and some unhappy ones too. Being single taught me to stand on my own two feet and do everything myself and Made me stronger than ever before and that is a blessing.

Yes of course you can lead a fulfilling and happy life without being in a relationship, the older I get the more appealing it looks to be honest. My DB, late 50s, has always been single, he leads a wonderful life, plenty of hobbies and interests, retired young, own home by the sea ... lots of friends. But I can understand that is because he made a conscious choice not to 'couple up' rather than feeling he is missing out on something.p

I don’t like some of the judgmental responses assuming the OP hasn’t tried hard enough.

I know of three people who I love dearly in my life who have never had relationships. They are all kind, loving, caring, funny, smart people. Two of them are quite shy, one has trauma and mental health problems. One is very gregarious and loves her life to the max, has a great job and a nice home. They’ve all tried in the ways that are available to them, to meet someone. No one wants to be lonely. It breaks my heart to know that at least two of my friends don’t have and Likely won’t have a family and children, because they’re much longed for and it’s not for want of trying.

It’s always more complicated and loaded than outsiders can ever imagine.

OP, you sound like you’re addressing some of the things that have made you isolated, and I know it sounds cliche but it’s never too late to find partnership. It’s also been a shit year for being able to get out and do anything.

It definitely affects how I view myself that I never found a partner to settle down with. Deep down knowledge that I have failed at something that the vast majority of others manage to do, many of whom very easily it seems and, worse, the feeling that there must be something inherently unattractive about me.

I can totally understand how that can become something you think about yourself. I have felt this at various periods of my life.

The thing is though that after a while you come to realise that the qualities which enable people to flit easily from one monogamous relationship to the next are actually not attractive ones.

As a general rule men want women to be as passive and tolerant of their behaviour, as void of personality and opinions as possible and geared towards being the supporting partner. Of course there are exceptions but that is the "default" for being a good female partner.

These are basically bad things which will sap your freedom and your authority over your own life. The key to kicking this attitude into touch is to remember that women like you are better, stronger and ultimately will have a more independent life.

It's not that your failing at something. It's that you're too good for something and people are picking up on this.

chaos I love your comment about seeing bickering couples, I quite agree (also work in retail!). My DH and I are nearing retirement age and my one dread is that, despite a mostly happy marriage, we will become one of those couples that drift around aimlessly going from National Trust place to garden centre . In fact I am working on after retirement age to avoid that situation .

There are no judgemental responses, why do some folks try to turn everything into a bun fight, hoiking up their judgey pants and accusing others?

The responses are accurate, you don’t get randomly chosen, you do need to put yourself out there, sure we all know there maybe good reasons why someone doesn’t, but no one knows the op and can only go on the limited info provided

Not everything needs to be a reason to judge and attack other posters.

Every good point thepeople, far too many people 'settle' for someone, so many relationships are not particularly happy, not necessarily abusive but just .... 'OK'. There is a huge societal pressure especially for women, to find a man and have 2.2 children.
It can be just as lonely in an unhappy relationship as being completely on your own.

How old are you and do you want to try dating?

@Ragwort

Every good point thepeople, far too many people 'settle' for someone, so many relationships are not particularly happy, not necessarily abusive but just .... 'OK'. There is a huge societal pressure especially for women, to find a man and have 2.2 children. It can be just as lonely in an unhappy relationship as being completely on your own.

This is a very good point. Being lonely in a bad relationship is one of the most miserable experiences. Far worse than the loneliness of being single.

@KittyWindbag

I don’t like some of the judgmental responses assuming the OP hasn’t tried hard enough.

I know of three people who I love dearly in my life who have never had relationships. They are all kind, loving, caring, funny, smart people. Two of them are quite shy, one has trauma and mental health problems. One is very gregarious and loves her life to the max, has a great job and a nice home. They’ve all tried in the ways that are available to them, to meet someone. No one wants to be lonely. It breaks my heart to know that at least two of my friends don’t have and Likely won’t have a family and children, because they’re much longed for and it’s not for want of trying.

It’s always more complicated and loaded than outsiders can ever imagine.

OP, you sound like you’re addressing some of the things that have made you isolated, and I know it sounds cliche but it’s never too late to find partnership. It’s also been a shit year for being able to get out and do anything.

There is a sentiment amongst some posters that if you 'try' hard enough (whatever that is) you'll get a relationship...like it's some sort of meritocracy award....

@KittyWindbag
Op, your two friends who you feel for that they won't have a family/children....Have they ever voiced an interest in solo patenting? I'm a solo patent to be (conceived using a sperm donor) precisely because I didn't want the lack of a partner to rob me off motherhood/family. I'm laye 30s so knew my time was running out ...I feel do much pressure had been taken off already.

*excuse the typos I'm on my phone

@zonkyzonky

There is a sentiment amongst some posters that if you 'try' hard enough (whatever that is) you'll get a relationship...like it's some sort of meritocracy award....

Totally agree with this. It's utter bollocks. This sort of "try hard and you'll eventually get a relationship" approach is a fast road to ending up in an abusive or neglectful relationship as it conditions you to settle for anything which you can stick a "relationship" badge on.

This is the problem with modern "dating" culture. The status attached to "being in a relationship" even if its a dreadful relationship with no fulfilment or happiness. Its awful.

I know its easier said than done OP but I think over time you will come to be grateful that you haven't ended up in relationships just for the sake of it. An awful lot of them are very over-rated.

Op, you have admitted that you never put much effort into dating. And that you weren't pretty so no one was interested. So that is completely on you. Did you really spend all this time believing that everyone you meet in a relationship is 'pretty'?!

Dating, like everything else in life, is tough. It requires you to get vulnerable and put yourself out there. And those who end up with partners have dealt with the rejection and heartache and carried on till something worked. Very few people met someone at 17 and lived happily ever after.

The point is you have absolutely no idea what you could have had without actually putting effort into it. No one thinks the perfect house or job will just drop into their laps. It's a Hollywood dream you've been sold that you have to be pretty and some man will walk past you in the street and boom, LOVE. For most of us it's making eye contact with someone in a pub, gathering the courage to say hello, or swiping on an app and enduring date after date till you finally meet someone, or befriending someone in a hobby group and letting it grow from there.

There's a billion people out there so if you did want companionship, you could absolutely find it. But you need to want it badly enough to stand a chance.

As a general rule men want women to be as passive and tolerant of their behaviour, as void of personality and opinions as possible and geared towards being the supporting partner. Of course there are exceptions but that is the "default" for being a good female partner

So true! The amount of men I have met who say they want an intelligent women with opinions, and it turns out all they meant was a women who can articulately agree with them!
They get so annoyed when your opinion differs from theirs!

But you need to want it badly enough to stand a chance.

This is probably well-meant but I profoundly disagree with this: I think this is terrible advice. I think "badly wanting" a relationship is the worst possible state of mind for a woman.

a) because it conditions her to accept poor treatment in the name of "being in a relationshp" rather than learning to find happiness independently
b) and because in purely practical terms someone who is desperate to be in a relationship will have potential partners running for the hills. People can smell desperation and its not a good look.

Date if you want to. But setting up "being in a relationship" as an ultimate goal is a fast road to misery.

@branchlight

As a general rule men want women to be as passive and tolerant of their behaviour, as void of personality and opinions as possible and geared towards being the supporting partner. Of course there are exceptions but that is the "default" for being a good female partner

So true! The amount of men I have met who say they want an intelligent women with opinions, and it turns out all they meant was a women who can articulately agree with them!
They get so annoyed when your opinion differs from theirs!

Oh come now, we have one of the highest percentages of women high earners in the world working in sectors like financial services, technology, retail, and pharmaceuticals. A lot of them have partners. We have female Olympians, who too have partners. We had a female PM and senior politicians, who all have partners. Plenty of renowned academics, journalists, celebrities have partners too. In fact there aren't many single ones I can think of. I mean, there are successful, educated women in patriarchal, more conservative countries who too have partners.

If you're finding your dating pool is full of backward men like this, you need to expand it or look elsewhere. But you can't say all men want is vapid women because you're then suggesting any woman with a partner is vapid... clearly not true.

I have an old friend who has only ever had one relationship (it was abroad and short) and has been single for 99% of her life. We are 50-odd!! Tbf she is a bit eccentric, doesn’t make the most of herself or give out vibes she wants to be in a relationship. She flies between careers/travel too & does seem she is searching for ‘something’.
I do think ‘vibes’ and effort is a thing more than attractiveness (I’m not facially attractive, but I have been with dh for nearly 30 years… he was my first proper relationship and I looked for it after kissing a few frogs/unrequited love!).

My mum’s friend when I was growing up never had a relationship. I asked my mum if she was a virgin(!) - my mum said she prob was as she was religious and wouldn’t have sex out of marriage. She was a very successful woman in business and had a large extended family (her sibling’s), but was formidable and not very attractive in a lot of ways!! Tbh she scared me a bit as a younger child.

@thepeopleversuswork

But you need to want it badly enough to stand a chance.

This is probably well-meant but I profoundly disagree with this: I think this is terrible advice. I think "badly wanting" a relationship is the worst possible state of mind for a woman.

a) because it conditions her to accept poor treatment in the name of "being in a relationshp" rather than learning to find happiness independently
b) and because in purely practical terms someone who is desperate to be in a relationship will have potential partners running for the hills. People can smell desperation and its not a good look.

Date if you want to. But setting up "being in a relationship" as an ultimate goal is a fast road to misery.

Actually I disagree. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and trying hard to find a good one. Like there is nothing wrong in wanting money or a career or a gold medal.

Having a life partner, someone to grow old with, share experiences with, who will hopefully be there when you're sick or sacked or having a bad day, someone to build a life or a future generation with, is one of life's beautiful gifts. So no shame at all I'm wanting that as much as you want anything else. No one on their death bed surrounded by the family they created is going to be wishing they'd spent that time working harder at their job. It's something even some monogamous species of the animal kingdom have.

So putting effort into dating, vetting and trying to find someone suitable is time well spent. If more women actually treated it as seriously as they treat their search for education, jobs, travel etc they'd end up with far better relationships. While it's important to also be happy alone and accept you may not find what you want, admitting you would really like a relationship doesn't take away from independence or achievements. Do we tell women, don't aim to get on the Board or do a degree or learn a new skill in case it doesn't work out? No. So why tell women to not look for a relationship just in case they can't find one?

Of course you can have a fulfilling life! Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all and often more trouble than it’s worth! Also being pretty has nothing whatsoever to do with it. Take a look around there are plenty of ugly people in happy (and unhappy!) relationships.