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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

608 replies

TheRealAnnabelleBronstein · 12/10/2021 13:21

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

OP posts:
10yearwarranty · 12/10/2021 16:08

"How do you get to head of finance for a huge organisation and not know how to deal with this?"

There you are, I wasn't being unkind, Op does know how to deal with this. Hmm

Scrollonthroughtherain · 12/10/2021 16:09

*She was a shit, she will still be a shit.

I would judge the company who gives a monster like her work.

She will still be bullying people at work and getting away with it.

She is likely encouraged in this by the directors, who are more likely to be psychopaths as well I believe.

I wouldn't say anything but bide my time and fuck up the deal.*

That's fucked up.

RobinPenguins · 12/10/2021 16:11

@SlothInTheTrees

She was a shit, she will still be a shit.

I would judge the company who gives a monster like her work.

She will still be bullying people at work and getting away with it.

She is likely encouraged in this by the directors, who are more likely to be psychopaths as well I believe.

I wouldn't say anything but bide my time and fuck up the deal.

Christ that’s a bit of a fucking stretch. Just throw “narcissist” and “gaslighting” in there and you’ve hit inaccurate armchair amateur psychologist bingo.
belleissmart · 12/10/2021 16:12

@HarrietsChariot

I'd play along, make sure she wastes as much time and energy on the demo and presentation as possible. Even if they're the best deal do everything in your power not to go with them. But string them along for as long as you can.

Ultimately she's a vile piece of work, and it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her. Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

This comment is still making me laugh, sorry. I cannot imagine telling my boss that as a company, we didn't go with the best deal because a member of their sales team bullied me as a kid. I'd be laughed out of the building.

It is shit though, I'd definitely be tempted to take revenge but I know I'd feel paranoid about it. You sound like you have a good life now, OP, congrats on escaping what sounds like a hellish situation as a teen.

notapizzaeater · 12/10/2021 16:15

Hope it went ok, your 'revenge' is showing her how far you've come

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 12/10/2021 16:19

@JaneW70

Work is not personal. As traumatic as your bullying was if you can't detach from your school life 20 years ago, you need to seek help.
School bullying can affect people for the rest of their lives. Not something you can just get over.
SwishSwishBisch · 12/10/2021 16:21

Fucking hell, some of the replies here. I hope none of you actual work in business, you wouldn’t last 5 minutes!

OP I hope the meeting went well. In your shoes I would have pretended not to have a clue who she was, and if by some chance she recognised you and said something, I’d have maybe said something like “oh, yes. I think the name does ring a bell but I really can’t place you”
Genuinely the only way to make it through with your dignity in tact, and any potential residual ego from her on the floor.

SlothInTheTrees · 12/10/2021 16:29

It may be twenty years ago but Annebelle is hurt.

" She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me"

I wonder why some people are so keen for this bully to be forgiven, were they bullies too?

There are monstrous people all around and the hurt they cause doesn't go away.

Do you think bullies just wake up one day as decent people?

purplesequins · 12/10/2021 16:31

with something this expensive and important surely it's not a sole responsibility.

stay professional. do your job together with your colleagues.
should your former bully turn out to not be the best for this project document it well si it can't backfire on you.

BlueMongoose · 12/10/2021 16:34

"professional" for me is recusing oneself from a decision/discussion on a contract if one knows the person doing the pitch personally (for good or bad reasons). In companies I know of, due to corruption and bribery rules, HR would be annoyed if you didn't tell them or your boss you had a prior relationship with a person which could be perceived to affect your behavior/decision and let them decide.

Angrynellie · 12/10/2021 16:34

I agree that bullies forget they were bullies. Hopefully it is someone else though.

MsTSwift · 12/10/2021 16:35

I think those of us saying don’t make a cringe making speech are not endorsing bullying and saying it’s ok. Obviously it isn’t but doing a speech in front of colleagues as if you have stepped out of a Hollywood “you go girl” type film is not the way to go!

girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 16:37

I wonder why some people are so keen for this bully to be forgiven, were they bullies too?

I don't think anyone thinks she should be forgiven but I personally don't think numerous people's livelihoods should be impacted by the actions of a child over 20 years ago.

OP said herself this person is just the salesperson. Once the pitch is done they won't have much to do with each other.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 12/10/2021 16:37

@BlueMongoose

"professional" for me is recusing oneself from a decision/discussion on a contract if one knows the person doing the pitch personally (for good or bad reasons). In companies I know of, due to corruption and bribery rules, HR would be annoyed if you didn't tell them or your boss you had a prior relationship with a person which could be perceived to affect your behavior/decision and let them decide.
This situation has nothing to do with bribery and corruption rules. Quite the opposite in fact!
Mynameismargot · 12/10/2021 16:38

@SlothInTheTrees

It may be twenty years ago but Annebelle is hurt.

" She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me"

I wonder why some people are so keen for this bully to be forgiven, were they bullies too?

There are monstrous people all around and the hurt they cause doesn't go away.

Do you think bullies just wake up one day as decent people?

Why is that the answer to everything, oh if you don't agree she should be burnt at the stake you must have been a bully too?

Nobody is saying the OP should forgive this lady but she is working, work is not a time to start airing personal grievances from 20 years ago.

And yes, I do think that some people act in a way when they are teenagers that they regret when they are adults, I know I do! I wasn't a bully but I was an absolute idiot for a few years, I did drugs, I got myself into stupid situations with boys, I drank far, far too much, I didn't give a shit about my future or whether I had one. I'm the opposite now and I see how much of a child I was at 15/16/17, even beyond that even though I felt grown up at the time. So yes I do think that children change as they become adults, not overnight like you are suggesting but gradually as life teaches you lessons. It would be a pretty mad world if we all stayed the same as we were at 15!

Hoppinggreen · 12/10/2021 16:47

I think this thread is a good read for bullies actually or apologists
You might think you’ve changed, you might think it was a long time ago, you might think you are a different person etc etc BUT whether it was 5,10, 20, 30 years ago bullying still has an impact

Hugoslavia · 12/10/2021 16:48

I honestly wouldn't be able to resist the power dynamic and would unfortunately make her play along. I would make her pitch hard. I would drop hints that you think that you know her, whilst pretending not to be sure where, all the time whilst looking rather perturbed. If her product is the best, then ultimately you will have to go with it, but ask if there is someone else that you can speak to at her organisation instead. I would make her feel insignificant. I don't think that I would be able to resist. It's called Karma.

CSIblonde · 12/10/2021 16:49

People have default behaviour patterns. The template for adult behaviour patterns is set in childhood. ( I did child psychology as part of my teaching degree). She very probably hasn't changed, but I'd probably do the call & put it to one side. If her company wins it & you have to deal with her day to day I'd delegate/ keep it email only wherever possible. Personally having been bullied I wouldnt want to deal with my old bully in any way, shape or form as in my & my friend's experience, they always gaslight or pretend it didn't happen & that's not ok with me.

HTH1 · 12/10/2021 16:49

@HarrietsChariot

I'd play along, make sure she wastes as much time and energy on the demo and presentation as possible. Even if they're the best deal do everything in your power not to go with them. But string them along for as long as you can.

Ultimately she's a vile piece of work, and it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her. Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

This.
NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 12/10/2021 16:49

@HarrietsChariot

I'd play along, make sure she wastes as much time and energy on the demo and presentation as possible. Even if they're the best deal do everything in your power not to go with them. But string them along for as long as you can.

Ultimately she's a vile piece of work, and it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her. Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

This. You already know she's awful, so why inflict her on your company?
Hugoslavia · 12/10/2021 16:51

I might be slightly biased OP. You see, I not convinced that some people can truly change. The school bully who made my life hell was just like the girl you have described. No empathy. Just a nasty piece of work. At 18/19 she was still vile. She then went on to murder someone.

YouTubeAddict · 12/10/2021 16:51

Could you ask her if she went to the school and then if she says ‘no’ then it’s great. If she says ‘yes’ you can decide what to do. It may actually be better to advise colleagues that there is a history there just in case the bid fails and she challenges it. You don’t want to appear unprofessional (even if her bid was genuinely just rubbish)

Drinkingallthewine · 12/10/2021 16:52

I'm glad to see you are going for the professional approach.

I had bullies in school. As adults both of them independently apologised for their actions when we continued to meet in a social setting. Until the respective apologies, I was civil, but didn't get too chummy with them.

I still have residual issues regarding friendships as a result of the bullying, but I really respected the fact that they both were able to reflect on the little cunts that they were, and apologise as adults. It shows growth and maturity.

One of them had an unhappy childhood - and she was just simply a little sad kid who was jealous of another that had what she didn't.
The other is a head teacher now, and has created an anti-bullying campaign in her school, with early awareness and all that. She's shit hot on bullying, and the effects it has on the victims and openly tells her charges about her past and how wrong she was, and the damage it can cause - we are actually pretty good friends now.

If it were me, and my bullies hadn't shown remorse and entering a meeting with one like you, I'd probably say "Oh yes I think we may have gone to school together but I don't believe we knew each other all that well." and move back to the presentation. She will know you remember - but she will also know that she has no power over you any more -and that's what's important here.

KaycePollard · 12/10/2021 16:53

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I'd be super super professional, and play very high status. Patronise her subtly if you can, without making it look like you care a flying fig about her as a person.

Make the point that this is a big contract and you have power over making a recommendation.

And laugh off or look puzzled if she tries to bring up "old friends" or "our schooldays." Take some time to remember what she's talking about, and maybe - if you can d it without looking defensive - say something about the small-minded envious bullies at that school.

KaycePollard · 12/10/2021 16:54

I still have residual issues regarding friendships as a result of the bullying

Isn't it amazing (or depressing) how the experience of being bullied stays with you all your life? I realised only a couple of years ago (at almost 60) that when I meet new people, I tend to assume that they won't like me.