Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

[TheRealAnnabelleBronstein]

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

Like a PP my experience is that bullies never think they were bullies. A particular bitch I know always acts like we were all great friends when at school when we meet which is a bit much, given I bear physical and mental scars from her treatment.

I treat her cordially. Because whether she’s changed and regrets it, or she’s really deceiving herself, or she’s still a bitch doesn’t matter -no way am I giving her the comfort of thinking she matters to me.

People saying act professionally have a point. Don’t let the bitch see you’re still bleeding. ‘Oh did you go to X school? Yes I remember you. Happy days’ (said with a brief, enigmatic smile). And then onto business.

I do mentally drive pins into a doll though. And when my bully’s son became briefly notorious for something she would have found abhorrent, I allowed myself a brief smile.

@MrsRobbieHart

It’s not about forgiving and forgetting, it’s not about whatever the bully might have been going through as a child or might be going through now as an adult, it’s not about the bully might have changed.

It’s about OPs security in her position as work and the value of her future earning potential. That is far more valuable and beneficial to OP than 5 seconds of being witty on a zoom call.

This. Op be professional. Treat this company as you would any other and get the best provider for the job. I speak as someone who once, interviewed one of my nightmare neighbours for a job in one of my teams (secretarial). The woman who with her husband had made my life an absolute misery for over a year before thankfully moving. You could see the shock on her face when she came into the room. In the end we followed the same process for all candidates, she was by far the best person for the job and myself and the other interviewer appointed her. All I did to acknowledge the past was tell her on her first day that as far as I was concerned any personal relationship we had in the past was just that - the past.

If you do anything like the behaviour suggested by @chocolateorangeinhaler, then you are the one who will end up looking foolish.

Now that may not be fair but it will be the one thing that your colleagues will remember and gossip about for many months later.

I also think that if you quietly ask anyone else to take the meeting or request that Edwina be replaced by some one else, you will not come out of it looking well.

You will be making yourself a side show and a point of gossip.

You're not a schoolgirl any longer.

Just realised I changed my first sentence and then managed to miss a bit out!

I meant "If you can manage to face her, in case it is her..."

OBvs if you don't feel able to face her at all in case it brings up old feelings, then see if you can get someone else to take the call.

I'd just do my job and get on with it.

FFS. You're a senior professional. Act like one.

If you really can't remain impartial declare a conflict of interest and remove yourself from the tendering process.

If it's the best product go for it but ask that she's removed from the project, you're the customer after all and if you think you'd work better with someone else that's fine.

If you were her friend at school you'd have to recuse yourself. I see it as the same if you were her victim, only more so. It could be a conflict of interest either way- or she could claim it was if she didn't get the contract. Ask for someone else to do it, and explain why.

@Haffdonga

I'd go to the presentation and ask searching questions (as you would anyway) without appearing to recognise her. If her company looks likely to win the bid then disclose to your team that you have a personal connection with her and that you would find it difficult to work with her. Step back from the decision process and if her company wins anyway then make it clear you won't deal with her but her manager.

They'll be quite happy to ditch her if it will help them win a big contract

This is probably the best way to deal with the situation.

I’m loving some of these responses

Just to clarify-

I won’t be working with her. She’s literally in sales. Once the contract is signed, she’s off the pitch.

My “walk in the park” comment was in relation to the meeting and not her entire career. I literally don’t care about her outside of the hour we have schedule in together, with other people.

That ol’ Mumsnet “if this is affecting you sooooo badly, maybe therapy, babes?” with a fake concerned head-tilt is also not relevant. As mentioned, I hadn’t thought about her in decades until I saw her name on the calendar invite.

I’m not going to recuse myself. There’s no conflict of interest. The product is the product and the pricing is the pricing- they’re my key metrics.
I head-up the department that uses this software across dozens of locations; sleeping with the Bid Manager might be a conflict of interest, disliking one of the sales people from 20 years ago is not.
She could be amazing at her job, she could be shit- she is not the product, the product manager, or the project manager.

Why do people think HR would get involved? They have enough to do with our own actual employees.
Maybe I should log it with 101 too?

Also, as much as I’d love a grand gesture of revenge, nobody is worth jeopardizing my position, my salary, or my blood pressure.

As for-
How do you get to head of finance for a huge organisation and not know how to deal with this?

I know how to deal with this, thank you very much. I was asking how others would as it’s not a scenario I’ve encountered before so was genuinely curious to see if there were other tacks I hadn’t thought of.

Telling the product company that I want another sales person is not an option- until I go to this meeting, I will not know if she’s who I think she is. Even then, I’d have to ask directly and am not prepared to do that.

Meeting is in 5 minutes. I shall report back.

@FallingStar21

I'd go on the call if other people (especially from her company) are also present, then verify if it's her through a few innocuous questions. If it is indeed her, I'd say "oh yes, I know you. You used to do/say x (insert horrible thing she's done or said). You were a vile bully back then". And wait for her to respond / wish the ground to swallow her in embarrassment in front of you and the other attendants Afterwards just politely and professionally watch the demo.

This is massively unprofessional.

Check if it is the bully, and if it is, ask for someone else to make the presentation as there is a conflict of interest. That way, if you do decide to go with that company the bully won't get the credit for it.

No one needs someone who can't keep their personal life away from work in high level positions. It's the exact opposite of what anyone wants

Tell that to all the people posting personal stuff on LinkedIn at the moment.

But you are right in what you say. OP I think the best thing to do is, if it is the same person and she asks you if you remember her, just say something like "oh yes I remember your name - what a small world" and move on. As a pp said, she may be extremely polished and confident, but I am guessing you are too!

Hopefully there will be a professional reason not to use her software solution and you'll never have any contact with her again. And if you do, I imagine you are too important to get bogged down in the day to day minutiae so you'll still not have to have any contact.

One Zoom meeting, where you are in the driving seat. Good luck.

Telling the product company that I want another sales person is not an option- until I go to this meeting, I will not know if she’s who I think she is. Even then, I’d have to ask directly and am not prepared to do that.

Why can't you ask before the meeting?

Good luck op
I’m sure you’ll know exactly what to do when the meeting begins.

Good luck OP.

Sounds like you've got it covered and have your head screwed on. Do come back and let us know how you get on!

@SofiaMichelle

This. I don't think people get how petty and ridiculous this would look to the company. And it would not go down well if the bully reported back to HR, which she would have every right to do. All it would do is put OPs job at risk. And for nothing.

A prospective supplier 'reporting back to HR' with regard to a head of department?? Really??

I've read some shite on MN and this is up there with the best of it.

No but she could feed back to whever is leading on the project that she thinks they won't get a fair shake because of past history with the peson doing the assessing...they can thrm feed this backl to the company the OP works for who would likely not be happy with the OP for not putting the company's interests first

She was a shit, she will still be a shit.

I would judge the company who gives a monster like her work.

She will still be bullying people at work and getting away with it.

She is likely encouraged in this by the directors, who are more likely to be psychopaths as well I believe.

I wouldn't say anything but bide my time and fuck up the deal.

Good luck OP, the malicious part of me hopes she recognises you and is jealous of your achievement.

You are in a higher position than her? She just works in sales? Surely it’s her that’s going to feel awkward (hopefully), hold your head high and don’t let it get to you. You are both adults now, maybe she feels truly awful about how she behaved at school or maybe she’s still a bully but really it shouldn’t matter, you only have to deal with her briefly?

I think you’ve had an unnecessarily hard time of it on here OP. I hope it’s gone okay

@ElvisPresleyHadABaby

Good luck OP, the malicious part of me hopes she recognises you and is jealous of your achievement.

So does mine!

I hope she goes purple with embarrassment and green with envy.

And then explodes.

I hope the meeting goes well, OP.

I hope you subtly reminded her who you are

@SlothInTheTrees

She was a shit, she will still be a shit.

I would judge the company who gives a monster like her work.

She will still be bullying people at work and getting away with it.

She is likely encouraged in this by the directors, who are more likely to be psychopaths as well I believe.

I wouldn't say anything but bide my time and fuck up the deal.

Fuck me. How are some people so twisted in their thought process.

She's a shit, she's a monster, she's still (20 years later on) a bully and her psychopathic bosses are encouraging it.

Get a fucking grip.

And OP has quite obviously said her main priority is her job, her career and her salary, not getting one over on someone who may or may not remember her anyway.