Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

[TheRealAnnabelleBronstein]

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

@CateJW

I would find out if she definitely is the school bully, if so, tell the company so and to send someone else if they dont want any unconscious bias to creep in - you would never consciously hold it against the company as a professional of course, but she made your life hell at school, so it would be very difficult for that to not affect your interactions with her...so best they send someone else!

RTFT Meeting already happened,OP updated and everyone has been discussing that

@CateJW - why would the OP do this? The meeting has already happened. She'd need to invent a time machine first and that just seems like a bit of a faff.

Sounds like you handled it really well. At the end of the day, you are doing better than she is.

[quote Waspsarearseholes]@jacks11 - you could have saved yourself so much time typing that long reply had you have just read the OP's updates[/quote]

And jacks11 mansplained how to be a professional at work to OP who is Head of her department who are purchasing a £ multi million project and service. Rather ironic when she didn't RTFT or even the preceding posts showing meeting had already happened and OP was always going to be entirely professional

I would just ask her on the call, if it’s her just say I thought it was you I remember you from school and just stare into the screen long and hard -silence speaks volumes. Just sit there in silence until someone else breaks it. Leave her wondering and sweating over her own behaviour. You’ll prob find another sales person on the next call.

Brilliant. Well done. I love how you handled it! Fab ending to the story

@Waspsarearseholes @WhereIsMumHiding3
I was replying to the original post asking what other people would do, obviously!
Not everyone sits and reads 22 pages of comments. 🙄
But nice you to sit and gripe at everyone that doesn't. 🙄

@CateJW you don’t need to read 22 pages, you can click on “see all” under the OP.

Everybody here is being too nice IMHO. I would make her life a living hell if I could. I would make sure the company didn't buy their product if it was my last action on earth and I would have a good go at getting at her personally in any possible way, Definitely get her off the deal. Tell somebody senior at the bidding company that you are disappointed with their choice of staff and you would like her removed. You don't have to explain.

Well ... Iiiiiiiiii would dress smartly do hair and makeup.. Have best room in house in background all tidy and a bottle of expensive champagne on show... and be confident on the call... then don't choose her product... 😅

[quote CateJW]**@Waspsarearseholes* @WhereIsMumHiding3*
I was replying to the original post asking what other people would do, obviously!
Not everyone sits and reads 22 pages of comments. 🙄
But nice you to sit and gripe at everyone that doesn't. 🙄[/quote]
No, @CateJW, but given the OP's posts are highlighted in a different colour (unless you've changed settings), and there is an option to view just the OP's posts, it baffles me that you wouldn't check to see if there's been an update.

If reading the five posts that the OP has made is too much like hard work, you could at least scroll up for the most recent ones to see the current status. My turn to roll eyes at you. 🙄

@Justajot

If you're that senior, can you ask if she's who you think she is and then ask for a different sales person for your call. They won't want to lose the sale, so will probably swap her out.

This👆 And remember she will know that one of her victims is now senior to her.

Cancel the cheque!

I came across my worst ever school bully again at university. She had moved out of my life aged 14 or 15 - having made my life a living hell for several years, before disappearing, hopefully forever. This was only 5 years later.

I first saw her name on a list and I cringed inside at the thought of a face to face encounter, but steeled myself.

AND when we did, everything had changed, most particularly the balance of power. She quailed when we first bumped into each other, was uneasy and quiet in my company, and very very careful not to cause offence. In return I was polite and affable in a distant way and never referred to the old days. We saw quite a bit of each other this way. She seemed nice but subdued.

In retrospect, I suspect that in her early teens she was either going through stuff at home and taking it out in the classroom (she was a younger sister as I recall) or she was just going through a period of being a totally bloody monster - and had since got over it. She certainly remembered her past behaviour and felt guilty.

If I were you, I'd take the call but have someone more junior alongside you, to bear witness all decisionmaking is above board. If it IS her I would say, "I believe we were schoolmates long ago," so she knows you know.

Then give the contract to the best company

@jacks11

You are a professional. Be professional. Do a thorough job of your research and perform due diligence. No more, no less.

This is not about your personal feelings or any vendetta (however justified your dislike), this is about making the best decision for your employers.

As an employer, if I discovered an employee had put their personal feelings/history with an employee before doing their job properly and professionally- especially if they made a decision not to work with a company that offered the most suitable service (or product/package etc) on the basis of their own personal history with a single employee at that other company- I would view it as gross misconduct. I doubt they’d work for us for long, and it would bd included in any reference asked for. It’s not that I don’t understand the feelings, it’s just that in this context it is not relevant. Your job is to identify the best partner/contractor for your company. It’s your responsibility to do that. If you genuinely can’t, you could recuse yourself from the process and deal with the fall out. Or, pull yourself together and act like the professional you are.

If one of our senior employees told me they didn’t even want to properly consider working with a company because due to this reason, I would seriously question their professionalism.

So I’d say it depends whether your desire for revenge outweighs your desire to maintain your professional reputation, and quite possibly your job.

I don't think you've understood the original post which did not talk about desire for revenge or disqualifying Edwina from the bid in a prejudiced fashion. She was just asking for thoughts on how to bear the situation personally. Your scolding of her from the point of view of how you would feel as her employer is hilarious given your pay grade sounds probably 50% lower than hers.

Not everyone sits and reads 22 pages of comments. 🙄 But nice you to sit and gripe at everyone that doesn't. 🙄

But why do you think your comments will still be relevant after 22 pages? It takes seconds to click on ‘See all’ - you would have seen advice on a meeting that has already happened wasn’t a great deal of use.

Also, to be honest your advice wasn’t great anyway. You question the OP’s professionalism, but I would have serious questions about someone who, in 2021, thinks it’s a good idea to put a difficult to prove allegation in a written reference. I don’t think you’re quite the expert you think you are.

You come across like you have a chip on your shoulder - your responses to people comments are rather snooty
Tbh I’m not sure why you even posted seeing you knew the answer anyway and have practically disagreed with everyone’s input

@Lovetoplan

Everybody here is being too nice IMHO. I would make her life a living hell if I could. I would make sure the company didn't buy their product if it was my last action on earth and I would have a good go at getting at her personally in any possible way, Definitely get her off the deal. Tell somebody senior at the bidding company that you are disappointed with their choice of staff and you would like her removed. You don't have to explain.

And you think the bully would just sit back and take that? The kind of person who would tell someone they should be dead instead of a poor girl who committed suicide is not going to be the kind of person who will meekly say, ‘Well, I had that coming’. The OP doesn’t want her making a complaint to the company.

@nc87651

Honestly, I'd move past it. This must have happened what, 20+ years ago? I'd assume the bully had done some growing up by then. And god knows what her home life must have been like as a teen to be such a nasty person.

Let it go. Be an adult. Treat this meeting as any other.

This is really unhelpful. People can't just let trauma go and often flashbacks which are involuntary can cause havoc with functioning. Childhood bullying can cause anxiety disorders, panic and eating disorders and PTSD. Whilst a person should not use this as a reason to sabotage a meeting such as this, it would be prudent to either pass this on to another team member as there is a conflict of interest or ask that another member of the potential client do the meeting, again due to conflict of interest.

Well OP, I'm glad you didn't buy the product, glad that her presentation was inadequate and glad that she heard she made zero impact on your memory from school days.
Small victory for victims of bullies everywhere.

@Plumbuddle

RedHelenB

" I'd grow up and do my job. If you cant, get someone else to do it."

"Yup. I fully understand the OP’s feelings and temptations, but would she have cut off any other pitch team mid-sentence? Bringing your historical private life and feelings into your place of work isn’t professional, just point-scoring. From 20 whatever years ago, ffs."

I disagree with you ShagMeRiggins. I RTFT and completely didn't agree with the suggestions to raise this with her first, which OP didn't do either. That's because (a) this is a professional meeting so personal history is irrelevant and to be followed up privately if at all, afterward. And (b) that is the surest sign to a bully that you can still be hurt by them. No way would that do anything other than gratify the bully. OP was so right to leave it to Edwina if she wanted to raise it. And the fact that Edwina raised it was (a) unprofessional in any event and (b) revealed she had a guilty conscience. She had clearly looked up or perhaps recognised Annabelle but I suspect had looked her up. To then cut her off when she was descending into apparently trivial personal chat was absolutely right because the meeting was being closed and personal chat was not business. So it could have happened anyway by mistake as one left Zoom, and would only be recognised by Edwina if anyone as a put down. If Edwina did recognise it as a putdown, that is only right and proper, because no matter if she had changed, to dare to speak personally to someone she knew she had hurt so badly, in particular when there is a work audience present, is deeply offensive and she either knew or should have known it. That very act of pretending to reach out whilst in fact misjudging that such an act can only be done in private and with a big apology, meant that Edwina had stepped over a professional boundary and had to be politely reminded to step back.
Well done OP. This was brilliantly handled.
I agree with the poster who said that Edwina could now try to get in touch. Hope she leaves this be.

Do you write fan fiction as a hobby?

@WomanStanleyWoman

Given that's it's already done and dusted it's actually irrelevant, but this is just nonsense:

The OP doesn’t want her making a complaint to the company.

It's a supplier. In the real world no one gives a flying shite what a disgruntled supplier has to say. In fact, a supplier who'd lost business due to their sales person being a twat would be well and truly keeping their head down and dealing with their internal issue of having a salesperson whose background as a twat has lost them a contract.

Who do you think a salesperson is going to be speaking to to make a complaint? They'd be laughed at, and would probably end up fired when their employer found out.

Well done to the OP for how she handled the situation, I've stored it away in case I ever need it myself! I thought it was a very professional way to handle it.

People going on about "let it lie" etc make me wonder if they've ever been on the receiving end. As soon as I could, I moved hundreds of miles away to university, partly to escape my bullies and the unhappy memories and associations they'd caused. You can't just turn trauma off, it can resurface years later, sometimes when you feel safe.

I did encounter one of my bullies one day at university as I was walking home. He tried to say hello and I remember just staring at him as if he'd just crawled out from under a stone and wondering a) what the eff he was doing there and b) why he even thought it was appropriate to even attempt to speak to me given his behaviour at school (which at the time was only a couple of years earlier). He stayed out of my way after that, I don't know what he was expecting!

Another bully is now something very senior in the local police force and ironically deals with vulnerable people...

@Lovetoplan

Everybody here is being too nice IMHO. I would make her life a living hell if I could. I would make sure the company didn't buy their product if it was my last action on earth and I would have a good go at getting at her personally in any possible way, Definitely get her off the deal. Tell somebody senior at the bidding company that you are disappointed with their choice of staff and you would like her removed. You don't have to explain.

It's not about being nice, it's about being professional. And let's remember that while this woman deserves nothing, especially not from OP, the company can have dozens or hundreds or thousands of people to whom this deal is important.

Also all the "I would say I was disappointed in the company for hiring people like her"... The fuck? I've interviewed two people in the last two days. I sure as shit didn't ask them anything regarding what they were like 20 years ago, in fact, I can't ask if they currently bully either. For all I know, the guy today wedgied a guy walking home from the shops this evening. Probably did.

To be honest I would assess my situation but the balance of power sounds as though it is with the OP and if it were me in this situation I would use it and damage any consequences!