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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

608 replies

TheRealAnnabelleBronstein · 12/10/2021 13:21

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

OP posts:
SofiaMichelle · 13/10/2021 18:48

@TheRealAnnabelleBronstein

I find this bizarre.

Why do you think I owe this woman friendliness?

If I was a man and telling you I was punched by another boy in school, would you tell me I now must be friendly to him?

I think that what you have in this thread is quite a few people who are/were bullies themselves wanting to make excuses for bullying, or indeed not actually caring what the effect of it is.

stilllovegeorge · 13/10/2021 18:48

Sorry I disagree. If you're dealing with someone who was a bitch I wouldn't want to deal with them for business. I don't care how long ago it was. You don't suddenly change personality. I wouldn't be able to trust that person and I think you're within your rights to ask to see a different salesperson.

ShagMeRiggins · 13/10/2021 18:49

@RedHelenB

I'd grow up and do my job. If you cant, get someone else to do it.
Yup.

I fully understand the OP’s feelings and temptations, but would she have cut off any other pitch team mid-sentence?

Bringing your historical private life and feelings into your place of work isn’t professional, just point-scoring. From 20 whatever years ago, ffs.

Botanica · 13/10/2021 18:54

I would agree to the call and establish on the first few minutes if indeed it is her.
I would then ask her for the name and contact details for her manager.
Explain you cannot continue due to your previous connection and conclude the call at that point.

(Let her sweat worrying in the interim)

Contact the manager, explain there is a personal interest that prevents you moving forward in discussion with Edwina.
Express you are keen to understand the product and ask for a different representative to work with.

Professional, but still makes her feel uncomfortable.

Jeannie88 · 13/10/2021 18:56

Karma time? Most horrible bullies actually seem to have had their own insecurities and when they grow up, look back and realise how awful they were. Hope this is the case and she is a better and nicer person now. X

ShagMeRiggins · 13/10/2021 18:57

@stilllovegeorge

Sorry I disagree. If you're dealing with someone who was a bitch I wouldn't want to deal with them for business. I don't care how long ago it was. You don't suddenly change personality. I wouldn't be able to trust that person and I think you're within your rights to ask to see a different salesperson.
Really?

Twenty years isn’t “suddenly changing personality.”

You’re happy to be judged for your 15-year-old self?

Okay. I’m not. I’ve changed and grown up. Most people do.

SofiaMichelle · 13/10/2021 19:04

And still they come having not RTFT...

SWeeks123 · 13/10/2021 19:11

Goodness, read the first page of comments and feel I have to say something - because very few others are!
Bullying is emotionally crippling. Bullying can lead to awful ptsd-type flashbacks at the strangest of times.
You are in a position to be key in a tendering process. You must obviously be professional, but another’s behaviour should not mean you need to change yours.
Do the first meeting. Find out if it is her. If it is, and you don’t feel comfortable, request a different account manager. You can be subtle about it, but you are the customer. If you were loving another product but thought the account manager wasn’t a great fit, that would be a point of discussion. It’s not ideal, it’s not easy, but this is about a long term business relationship. It has to work and you have to be as comfortable as the agency.
One of your categories of choosing the agency is likely to be team dynamics, you can determine the level and number of team members you want, and ideally see who they are. $2m a year gives you that oversight on the project.
Be strong, remember you aren’t who you were back then, and keep an eye out for yourself and anything that could be trigger-y. Try and have someone in real life you can chat about it with.
And someone you can have a bit of a giggle about an imaginary pin doll every now and then to keep you human.
Tricky one!

WomanStanleyWoman · 13/10/2021 19:12

Because they are SO DESPERATE to share their opinion with the world they don’t really care if it’s relevant, is my guess after many years of Mumsnet….

Bang on. They’re desperate to have their little say, but think they’re too important to read the thread - ignoring the irony of the fact that they’re only making the thread longer, with comments that grow less and less relevant.

Flowiththego · 13/10/2021 19:16

Well done, OP. Sounds like a satisfactory ending to the meeting.

EspressoDoubleShot · 13/10/2021 19:19

On an emotional level yes you’re entitled to feel aggrieved
Professionally you need to be consummate professional.
You’re a smart competent professional woman you’re not the school pupil she bullied

wildchild554 · 13/10/2021 19:19

She may have changed she may not of but would suggest talking to your manager explaining the situation if you're not comfortable doing it and see what they say also you may subconsciously affect your decision.

Mirw · 13/10/2021 19:20

It was 20 years ago... Get over it. Neither of you are the same as you were at school.

SWeeks123 · 13/10/2021 19:20

Have now read many comments about “read the thread, it’s done”.

I was annoyed that the initial responses were a bit weak. So replied. I’ve since gone back and read the OP’s bits.

Fab work OP!

Also I’m just far too busy and important to read 20 pages of stuff Grin

EspressoDoubleShot · 13/10/2021 19:22

I did laugh that you were like, who?no..don’t remember you

imonlyhooman · 13/10/2021 19:25

FWIW I think you handled it brilliantly!

ExtraOnions · 13/10/2021 19:26

I met up with one of our school bullies a few years ago … turned out she was being sexually abused by her dad all through school, and her mum was aware. He was eventually sent to prison for abusing other kids, at that point she found out he wasn’t her “real” dad (he had been in prison when she was conceived), which is why he only abused her and not her sisters.

Not surprised she lashed out.

CharityDingle · 13/10/2021 19:30

@SofiaMichelle

And still they come having not RTFT...
And it's so easy to simply click 'see all' and read the OP's updates. A great feature, very useful Wink
Kellymumto2 · 13/10/2021 19:32

@nc87651

Honestly, I'd move past it. This must have happened what, 20+ years ago? I'd assume the bully had done some growing up by then. And god knows what her home life must have been like as a teen to be such a nasty person.

Let it go. Be an adult. Treat this meeting as any other.

Exactly this!
Plumbuddle · 13/10/2021 19:34

RedHelenB

" I'd grow up and do my job. If you cant, get someone else to do it."

"Yup. I fully understand the OP’s feelings and temptations, but would she have cut off any other pitch team mid-sentence? Bringing your historical private life and feelings into your place of work isn’t professional, just point-scoring. From 20 whatever years ago, ffs."

I disagree with you ShagMeRiggins. I RTFT and completely didn't agree with the suggestions to raise this with her first, which OP didn't do either. That's because (a) this is a professional meeting so personal history is irrelevant and to be followed up privately if at all, afterward. And (b) that is the surest sign to a bully that you can still be hurt by them. No way would that do anything other than gratify the bully. OP was so right to leave it to Edwina if she wanted to raise it. And the fact that Edwina raised it was (a) unprofessional in any event and (b) revealed she had a guilty conscience. She had clearly looked up or perhaps recognised Annabelle but I suspect had looked her up. To then cut her off when she was descending into apparently trivial personal chat was absolutely right because the meeting was being closed and personal chat was not business. So it could have happened anyway by mistake as one left Zoom, and would only be recognised by Edwina if anyone as a put down. If Edwina did recognise it as a putdown, that is only right and proper, because no matter if she had changed, to dare to speak personally to someone she knew she had hurt so badly, in particular when there is a work audience present, is deeply offensive and she either knew or should have known it. That very act of pretending to reach out whilst in fact misjudging that such an act can only be done in private and with a big apology, meant that Edwina had stepped over a professional boundary and had to be politely reminded to step back.
Well done OP. This was brilliantly handled.
I agree with the poster who said that Edwina could now try to get in touch. Hope she leaves this be.

VimFuego101 · 13/10/2021 19:35

I think you handled it brilliantly. Bet she'll send you a linked in request now Smile

YouokHun · 13/10/2021 19:35

@TheRealAnnabelleBronstein

Right, so the product isn’t great, objectively speaking. Interface was very laggy during the demo.

Had someone from the IT team with me and they’re concerned about how it’ll integrate with our systems and the costs quoted for support are a lot higher than other suppliers.

Presentation was fine. She seems quite new and junior. She was leading the pitch but the Relationship Manager kept having to jump in to cover bits she missed or take questions she couldn’t answer. I kept it fairly cool and just went through the standard process.
I have a medical issue at the moment that’s affecting my speech a little so I haven’t been too talkative in any of these meetings anyway.

Recognised her at soon as she opened her mouth.

I didn’t think she recognized me but she did.

The meeting closed like this-

Her: Before we wrap-up, I just wanted to say that I think we used to go to school together, Eleanor. I think you were Eleanor Smyth back then? I was Edwina Dyson.

Me: Oh? The name doesn’t ring a bell, I’m afraid.

Her (with that stupid donkey laugh I’d forgotten about): Well, hopefully I’m more memorable now after…

Me: Thanks everyone. Take care.

Also me:
~The host has ended the meeting for everyone~

Ha, perfect @TheRealAnnabelleBronstein!

“I’m afraid you didn’t make enough impact on me for me to have the slightest idea who you are and I’m also not terribly interested in hearing the end of your sentence”.

A much better message to have sent to a former bully than the one that might suggest she is anything other than forgettable.

Gonnagetgoing · 13/10/2021 19:37

@Noeuf

Get someone else to do it if you can’t put a 20+ year old grudge aside. Same advice if you are traumatised but your ‘walk in the park’ comment suggests not. Spite has no place at work.
I take it you haven’t been bullied then? Yes it was 20 years ago but the other girl killed herself, I bet her family wouldn’t welcome speaking to the bully.

Also by the way, I had a bully years later apologise when I said I forgave her, then try to get me to sign up for her new age therapy etc sessions by doing a free one with me. She’d had a hard homelife too but ultimately I felt I couldn’t trust her and keep her at arms length.

PrimaryMumma · 13/10/2021 19:37

@VimFuego101

I think you handled it brilliantly. Bet she'll send you a linked in request now Smile
Agree! And this is totally going to happen. I think it’s time to click the “ignore request” button 😉
Gonnagetgoing · 13/10/2021 19:39

[quote SofiaMichelle]@TheRealAnnabelleBronstein

I find this bizarre.

Why do you think I owe this woman friendliness?

If I was a man and telling you I was punched by another boy in school, would you tell me I now must be friendly to him?

I think that what you have in this thread is quite a few people who are/were bullies themselves wanting to make excuses for bullying, or indeed not actually caring what the effect of it is.[/quote]
Yes. So true. So many here either weren’t affected by bullying or actually were bullies themselves or didn’t stand up for victims.

I had one friend befriend me after some issues in school including bullying. Funny that now she’s one of the only people from school who I trust and stay in touch with.