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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

608 replies

TheRealAnnabelleBronstein · 12/10/2021 13:21

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

OP posts:
Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 20:22

@arrangeyourface and @Pythonista naaaah

⬅️ That expression is more likely

Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.
billy1966 · 12/10/2021 20:23

I cant believe how many people have dismissed the OP'S being relentlessly bullied by this person, to a point where they wished her dead, in the place of a poor girl that had committed suicide?😳

Unbelievable.

How anyone would look back on that time with anything other that distaste and relief to have survived.

She sounds like a horrible person.

OP certainly sounds level headed and hugely capable of managing the situation.

20 years is nothing in the face of such awful behaviour.

I hope the meeting went well for you OP.

Flowers
itwasfkinoneoyas · 12/10/2021 20:23

@greendiva

Really want to know, you sound amazing OP!
I want this OP on my team. I want to know too.
refusetobeasheep · 12/10/2021 20:31

Also awaiting update ....

LizzieW1969 · 12/10/2021 20:38

It was also clearly unnecessary to suggest that the OP needs therapy because she was thrown to discover that her former school bully was on the sales team and she would be having a zoom meeting with her. I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t react negatively at all, especially considering how bad the bullying became, with a girl killing herself and this bully wishing the OP dead.

It doesn’t follow that she needs therapy; she’s obviously done very well in her life and will move on from this curveball just fine, I’m sure.

Blackberrycream · 12/10/2021 20:39

@billy1966

I cant believe how many people have dismissed the OP'S being relentlessly bullied by this person, to a point where they wished her dead, in the place of a poor girl that had committed suicide?😳

Unbelievable.

How anyone would look back on that time with anything other that distaste and relief to have survived.

She sounds like a horrible person.

OP certainly sounds level headed and hugely capable of managing the situation.

20 years is nothing in the face of such awful behaviour.

I hope the meeting went well for you OP.

Flowers

I agree with all of the above. I hope it went well Op. You sound as if you would have been totally professional ( you are self reflective which is a big indicator I think ). I hope you came out of it and put her completely out of your thoughts. If it feels difficult, I think any manager would appreciate you coming to them to explain the situation.
Cherrysoup · 12/10/2021 20:39

Someone who caused me a great deal of trauma recently joined my organisation. I was really unhappy to see her and went straight to one of the big bosses to say there is no way I can ever have her work with me. So far, she’s been nowhere near me, but if she were to be asked to work with me, I hope she’d have the sense to ask to swap (it’s easy to do).

I’m really interested to see if this was the old bully and what her face looked like when she saw the OP and realised who she was! I don’t understand bullies. Why do they do it? How can they do it? D9 they have zero empathy? Are they psychopathic? Do they change in later life?

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 20:39

But there was no indication that the bully had anything to do with the girl who killed herself

LizzieW1969 · 12/10/2021 20:42

No, that’s true, but nevertheless it sounds like it was very bad. It’s still hardly surprising it was a shock to the OP to come upon her like this.

Why are you so keen to defend the bully on this thread?

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 20:43

Because the irony of a bunch of women ganging together and telling the OP to confront her or refuse the contract or report her to her boss is not lost on me.

In the real world, grown ups behave professionally.

RedFlyingBeeBee · 12/10/2021 20:44

@Comtesse

Don’t recuse yourself! No way - you are the client! If it is her (probably better have the first meeting to start with to find out), then tell the company you want a different sales lead. You are in the driving seat here! Why should you have to work with someone where there is previous form? Asking for a different rep is actually a professional way of handling a previous difficulty if you ask me….
She's got it.
LynetteScavo · 12/10/2021 20:45

The OP sounds very level headed, and as though she has managed the horrendous behaviour she experienced very well. At no point does anything she's posted make me think she needs therapy. She seems to be dealing with this perfectly so far.

Actually it wouldn't be normal for someone to experience bullying at the level the OP did and just let it go and move on, and feel nothing when having professional encounter with someone who has been so vile. Those suggesting that really don't have an understanding of what has happened here.

TheRealAnnabelleBronstein · 12/10/2021 20:46

Right, so the product isn’t great, objectively speaking. Interface was very laggy during the demo.

Had someone from the IT team with me and they’re concerned about how it’ll integrate with our systems and the costs quoted for support are a lot higher than other suppliers.

Presentation was fine. She seems quite new and junior. She was leading the pitch but the Relationship Manager kept having to jump in to cover bits she missed or take questions she couldn’t answer. I kept it fairly cool and just went through the standard process.
I have a medical issue at the moment that’s affecting my speech a little so I haven’t been too talkative in any of these meetings anyway.

Recognised her at soon as she opened her mouth.

I didn’t think she recognized me but she did.

The meeting closed like this-

Her: Before we wrap-up, I just wanted to say that I think we used to go to school together, Eleanor. I think you were Eleanor Smyth back then? I was Edwina Dyson.

Me: Oh? The name doesn’t ring a bell, I’m afraid.

Her (with that stupid donkey laugh I’d forgotten about): Well, hopefully I’m more memorable now after…

Me: Thanks everyone. Take care.

Also me:
~The host has ended the meeting for everyone~

OP posts:
lordofthethighs · 12/10/2021 20:47

That's an amazing update! Teenage you is looking at you in awe.

LizzieW1969 · 12/10/2021 20:48

@Cherrysoup

I think you can’t generalise about children who become bullies. I was badly bullied at school. I discovered later that the worst bully had her mother die of cancer during the time at school, so no doubt this was a factor. She flunked all her ‘O’ levels as well (showing my age!).

It doesn’t excuse the bullying but it did make me feel compassion for her when I was told this.

supercritter · 12/10/2021 20:48

Well played

Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 20:49

Great job.
Credit to you for handling this right

LizzieW1969 · 12/10/2021 20:50

Well done, OP, you handled that really well. Smile

SofiaMichelle · 12/10/2021 20:52

@LynetteScavo

I was bullied in the 80s and the effects have been life long. Some posters don't seem to understand the harm bullying can do.

They just don't give a fuck. It's not that they don't understand.

Then there's the others who think anyone who might exact some sort of revenge can't possibly be in a senior position. They'd have a heart attack if they knew some of what goes on. Before I went into consulting I was a senior manager in a multinational and I can assure them that no one would give a second thought to a potential supplier being ruled out due to personal differences with a member of the senior team.

It's naive in the extreme to think that major purchases are completely agnostic - whether that be CapEx for PP&E, or large SaaS contracts, or other high value transactions - if they were, sales people would have no place.

LynetteScavo · 12/10/2021 20:52

Perfect OP.
You handled it perfectly.
Well done. Smile

Her company obviously doesn't deserve the contract, so hopefully that's the end of that!

Monsterpage · 12/10/2021 20:53

RESULT! I love your finishing of the meeting 😀

SleepQuest33 · 12/10/2021 20:54

Wow, what she said to you all those years ago is more that bullying. How can people be so vile and heartless. I wouldn’t have been as professional as you!!!

midsomermurderess · 12/10/2021 20:54

What's 'slightly-intimidating body language' in the course of a zoom meeting?
Some of these suggestions are bonkers. The OP set out the context, a project involving a 13m dollar investment and a 2m dollar ongoing annual spend. In these circumstances, you don't get into one of the sales team tendering for it being your childhood nemesis unless you're a lunatic.

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 12/10/2021 20:57

Haven’t read it all- but usually the thing that works best: don’t acknowledge and be detached and professional. If she claims to know you look politely blank, smile and say ‘oh gosh, what a long time ago! I’m impressed you have such a memory for school’ then plough in with the meeting

minipie · 12/10/2021 20:58

Nice, OP.

Thank goodness the product was crap Grin