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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

608 replies

TheRealAnnabelleBronstein · 12/10/2021 13:21

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 12/10/2021 18:50

Hopefully she has grown up and moved on - or maybe she is still a bullying twat.
Will there be an opportunity in the tendering process to ask about the welfare and anyi-bullying policies of the supplier?
Even if not, might be a useful aside as you walk her to the lift.

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:50

Men don't do it with smugness and head tilts.

Look there is every possibility she doesn't know or care who you are. But by all means make a twat of yourself in front of your colleagues

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:51

@ThinWomansBrain

Hopefully she has grown up and moved on - or maybe she is still a bullying twat. Will there be an opportunity in the tendering process to ask about the welfare and anyi-bullying policies of the supplier? Even if not, might be a useful aside as you walk her to the lift.
It's a zoom call isn't it
CommanderBurnham · 12/10/2021 18:53

Well. I'm not sure if I'd go with that firm knowing her lack of integrity. If she's a small bit player then disregard her and go with it. If she isn't then you've got good reason not to deal with her. Let her past behaviour bite her in the bum.

My approach will be to ignore her as much as professionally allowed, and if you do have to directly speak to her make sure you are very professional with a tinge of condescending.

If someone picks up on it or takes you aside afterwards just be honest. 'If I think she is who I think she is, I have concerns about her integrity.'

BonnesVacances · 12/10/2021 18:53

You'd have to do what Lorraine did when someone asked her if she remembered working with Esther McVey. If she asks you if you're Eleanor from school just shut it down with Yes and make it clear you're not interested in discussing it any further.

CBroads · 12/10/2021 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:54

Nice personal attack there.

Mydogmylife · 12/10/2021 18:55

Why would you want to potentially affect the jobs of totally unconnected folk that work for this company to get revenge on this woman . Be professional , if they are the best for the contract, give them it!

Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 18:57

Lol. Found a bully, didn't we @Pythonista

LizzieW1969 · 12/10/2021 18:59

The OP made it clear that she was intending to be entirely professional, she was obviously just fantasising about giving her former bully a hard time. She didn’t even know for sure that it was the same person.

The elaborate revenge plots came entirely from other posters.

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:59

@Wazzzzzzzup

Lol. Found a bully, didn't we *@Pythonista*
An ablist one at that.... Grin
RobinPenguins · 12/10/2021 19:00

@vajingleberry

I seriously hope that most of the people commenting on here don't have an actual job with any responsibility.

Terrifying.

I think it’s fairly obvious that they don’t.
user1471518295 · 12/10/2021 19:01

Perhaps approach it from the angle (once you have confirmed it is the same person and your company has selected them as the new provider) that you are very happy to work with their organisation, but it is not appropriate for xxx to be the person you would be working with and if they would like the contract, then they need to find another person for you to liaise with during the contract and implementation phases. I am sure they will find it very easy to dump her. That is your revenge.

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 19:02

Revenge makes you look pathetic.

HotChoc10 · 12/10/2021 19:02

Living well is the best revenge and it sounds like you're doing just that! I admire you. I would be very tempted to do a quick, 'did your name used to be X? I think we may have gone to school together!' at the beginning to see how she reacts but otherwise continue as professionally as you're already planning to.

ilovesooty · 12/10/2021 19:06

@WorryMcGee

I would recuse myself. It would be too difficult to remain entirely impartial. I wouldn’t say why though, just that I have a personal connection to that person that might give the impression of a conflict of interest. Good luck!
That's the approach I'd take too.
OrlandointheWilderness · 12/10/2021 19:06

Blatantly placemarking to see if it is her!!

stairgates · 12/10/2021 19:12

Same :)

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 12/10/2021 19:13

@ThinWomansBrain

Hopefully she has grown up and moved on - or maybe she is still a bullying twat. Will there be an opportunity in the tendering process to ask about the welfare and anyi-bullying policies of the supplier? Even if not, might be a useful aside as you walk her to the lift.
Definitely do this!
Pythonista · 12/10/2021 19:15

Its s a Zoom call!

ilovesooty · 12/10/2021 19:16

Well it sounds as though the OP was going to keep it professional. Some of the suggestions have been absurd.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/10/2021 19:21

That was then, this is now - be adult and professional

Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 19:21

@ilovesooty

Well it sounds as though the OP was going to keep it professional. Some of the suggestions have been absurd.
Agreed.
LynetteScavo · 12/10/2021 19:22

Something similar happened to me. I was out on the spot and didn't have time to think about how to react. The other person recognised me, and asked if I recognised her. I pretended I hadn't recognised her at all, and acted like I barely remarried her I remembered her very clearly She then asked several times why I'd din't recognise her (she'd lost loads of weight and I think I was supposed to give that as the reason) I just pretended like she really wasn't ever important to me.

So under these circumstances I wouldn't raise that I went to school with this person. I they brought it up I would calculatedly say "Oh yes, I remember you, you....." I'd stay totally factual, and add something like "I'm sure you're much kinder now". If she apologised I move on. She probably won't though.

Those saying " She was only a child" probably weren't bullied themselves and were probably actually bullies.

I was bullied in the 80s and the effects have been life long. Some posters don't seem to understand the harm bullying can do.

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 19:25

@LynetteScavo

Something similar happened to me. I was out on the spot and didn't have time to think about how to react. The other person recognised me, and asked if I recognised her. I pretended I hadn't recognised her at all, and acted like I barely remarried her I remembered her very clearly She then asked several times why I'd din't recognise her (she'd lost loads of weight and I think I was supposed to give that as the reason) I just pretended like she really wasn't ever important to me.

So under these circumstances I wouldn't raise that I went to school with this person. I they brought it up I would calculatedly say "Oh yes, I remember you, you....." I'd stay totally factual, and add something like "I'm sure you're much kinder now". If she apologised I move on. She probably won't though.

Those saying " She was only a child" probably weren't bullied themselves and were probably actually bullies.

I was bullied in the 80s and the effects have been life long. Some posters don't seem to understand the harm bullying can do.

Given that I was called a despicable ableist name by one of the 'anti bully' posters, I think some people are still in that mindset