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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

608 replies

TheRealAnnabelleBronstein · 12/10/2021 13:21

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 12/10/2021 18:14

@TheRealAnnabelleBronstein

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

I'm not in the U.K. either. Mumsnet is a very widely read site with posters and readers from all over the world. Your thread could easily be read by just about anyone, and indeed could be picked up by the tabloids. It happens quite regularly, unfortunately.

Eleganz · 12/10/2021 18:16

Asking them to change their sales person would be best here. You are in the position of power and so she needs to step aside. That keeps it professional and makes it easier for your to do your job.

I've never had a a situation with a former bully, but I have had personal acquaintances that I've had to asked not be involved in procurement activity that I was the senior manager on. It is standard practice and most companies won't blink an eyelid unless they are very small.

Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 18:18

Everyone aaying "turn their cintract down, karma is a bitch" shpuld rename themselves into karma.
Imagine wven thinking that it's fine to have a negative effect on number of people just because of 1 person from 15 years ago.
It's not just the one person who would lose out...

I agree with pp. No wonder women have it hard if some people actually behave like this. OR they are juat running bog mouth on a forum wnjoying this entertainment and imagining how amazingly badass they would be because irl no one gives a fuck about their attitude

Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 18:18

Oh bloody typos!!!

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 12/10/2021 18:19

My high school bully came from a lovely home and as far as l can tell, had no misery to deal with she was just a class A bitch that got pleasure out of picking on people like me. Weird because her cousin was one of my best friends.
Bumped into her at the zoo a few years ago and before l even saw her l heard her voice and knew it was her - sounded like nails down a blackboard.
But l stuck my best smile on and was pleasant because she has no power over me these days.
Still don't forget how she made me feel on a daily basis though.
Op l would keep a dignified silence, l always find that is the best thing to do in these situations.

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:19

@CBroads

I'd fully turn their demo and the contract down and tell her company that you don't do business with thugs. Karma's a bitch isn't it ?
Thugs? Oh fucking hell.
shrugshrug · 12/10/2021 18:20

TBH @TheRealAnnabelleBronstein I'm conflicted.
On the one hand if it is her it would be so nice to deny her getting the sale.
Revenge is a dish best served cold they say.
But as a very kind someone posted up thread a bully is not a happy person. There is something going on in their life that makes them lash out or be unkind unless they're a psychopath or sociopath.

Can you go high when they went low ?
I'm not sure I could.

DocAutumn · 12/10/2021 18:21

Water under the bridge.
If you were just waiting for an opportunity to be a bully yourself now's your chance but you'll have to own that you are now what she was then.

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:22

The patriarchy doesn't have to lift a finger when there are women like those on this thread

SamMil · 12/10/2021 18:22

I would just act as if I had no recognition of her. Treat her the same as you would any other sales person that you haven't met before.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 12/10/2021 18:26

@SamMil

I would just act as if I had no recognition of her. Treat her the same as you would any other sales person that you haven't met before.
That's the professional way to behave, and according to what @TheRealAnnabelleBronstein has said on the thread, I'm fairly sure that's what she's doing/has done in the meeting.
Ozanj · 12/10/2021 18:27

You are the vip not her. Just let the organisation know there’s a conflict of interest & they should be able to swap her out

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:30

You know these school bullies? Well they often have a team of supporters who don't actually have the bollocks to do anything so they give the bully the things to say.

Reminds me of something Hmm

CBroads · 12/10/2021 18:30

@Wazzzzzzzup

Everyone aaying "turn their cintract down, karma is a bitch" shpuld rename themselves into karma. Imagine wven thinking that it's fine to have a negative effect on number of people just because of 1 person from 15 years ago. It's not just the one person who would lose out...

I agree with pp. No wonder women have it hard if some people actually behave like this. OR they are juat running bog mouth on a forum wnjoying this entertainment and imagining how amazingly badass they would be because irl no one gives a fuck about their attitude

Please go back to school and learn English.
Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:31

Oh classy. Not exactly kind to rip into people for typos

Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 18:31

It's obvious typos @CBroads. Unfortunately my school is 2000km away so no can do. Oops

Pythonista · 12/10/2021 18:32

@Wazzzzzzzup

It's obvious typos *@CBroads*. Unfortunately my school is 2000km away so no can do. Oops
GrinGrinGrin
KeyLimeFly · 12/10/2021 18:34

I wouldn’t even give her the satisfaction of registering who she is. Play it cool. You don’t know her. She had no effect on you. Sure be cold right to the edge of rudeness, but don’t let her know she ever got to you. If she says you have a history just say ‘oh sorry, I don’t remember you’.

leavesthataregreen · 12/10/2021 18:36

And people wonder why women struggle to be promoted and are thought too emotional ..:

Wow. Because men in positions of power never hold grudges or point score or manipulate others...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/10/2021 18:38

I lost track by the second paragraph.

Why are you still intimidated?

Do the meeting and own it.

Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 18:38

@leavesthataregreen

And people wonder why women struggle to be promoted and are thought too emotional ..:

Wow. Because men in positions of power never hold grudges or point score or manipulate others...

I've never seen one do it with such a theatre as some suggested above.😁
WithMyEncyclopedia · 12/10/2021 18:39

I'd stare coolly, do a sarcastic head tilt, a VERY smug smile, wink once with my left eye and twice with my right, raise one eyebrow coquettishly, develop a twitch in my right eye, then twitch my nose in Morse code spelling out "R.e.v.e.n.g.e", then finish with a satisfied symphony of general facial spasming.

That would get the message across while remaining completely professional.

FlyingWhistle · 12/10/2021 18:43

I would focus on the job in hand and not bring into something that happened 20 years ago, 15 year olds are hormonal idiots and she may have been suffering battles you know nothing about that caused her to lash out at you.

Sunshinelover2 · 12/10/2021 18:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wazzzzzzzup · 12/10/2021 18:44

@WithMyEncyclopedia

I'd stare coolly, do a sarcastic head tilt, a VERY smug smile, wink once with my left eye and twice with my right, raise one eyebrow coquettishly, develop a twitch in my right eye, then twitch my nose in Morse code spelling out "R.e.v.e.n.g.e", then finish with a satisfied symphony of general facial spasming.

That would get the message across while remaining completely professional.

The only way to go forward now 😁