Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

[TheRealAnnabelleBronstein]

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

Er you do your job and don't mention it and if you can't, you declare a conflict of interests.

@AHobbyaweek

I have been in a similar position and couldn't excuse myself as I head up the department, it is not easy to excuse yourself in these situations. Once I confirmed the sales person was who I thought, I requested someone else to deal with the tender we started after the demos. I just suggested it was "in their best interests" to swap out the sales person and they did with no further questions. It certainly made the tender process easier for me as I didn't have to second guess my feelings for the product even if I knew I could be professional about it, it is easier not to have the distraction.

I think this is fair enough as well if you can't revuse.

@nc87651

Honestly, I'd move past it. This must have happened what, 20+ years ago? I'd assume the bully had done some growing up by then. And god knows what her home life must have been like as a teen to be such a nasty person.

Let it go. Be an adult. Treat this meeting as any other.

Spot on.

Some of the replies here from grown adults suggesting the OP fucks up sale are ridiculous.

The 15 year old bully may have changed into a lovely woman. Some people do change as they grow up.

And winding up the OP to try to get her to call out this woman is pretty vile behaviour

Following to see if it was the bully

@AHobbyaweek

I have been in a similar position and couldn't excuse myself as I head up the department, it is not easy to excuse yourself in these situations. Once I confirmed the sales person was who I thought, I requested someone else to deal with the tender we started after the demos. I just suggested it was "in their best interests" to swap out the sales person and they did with no further questions. It certainly made the tender process easier for me as I didn't have to second guess my feelings for the product even if I knew I could be professional about it, it is easier not to have the distraction.

I think this is one of the best responses well done @AHobbyaweek

Bullying can have severe impact on the victim so stop being a fucking apologist and the holding grudge nonsense.

Personally, I would just ignore this but someone might be too traumatised to be able to.

Ask her if she works on commission. Then reveal who you are. "Big mistake. Huge!"

Op the mature thing is to talk to your boss and tell them about the possible link.

And as someone who had the shit kicked out of them at school and was also raped at around the same age, I am certainly not an apologist

I had a hideous time at secondary. The bullying was awful and for many years. Physical violence, lots of mental violence and lots of damage to my belongings and work. I now chat quite happily to the bullies. People change; I think you need to be professional and deal with her as a fellow professional; and if you are unable to do that then you have to get someone else to deal with her

Just ask for a different sales person. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

I think most of you have watched too many soap operas.

Tricky one, It’s hard as it was a long time ago I’m cringe about things I did at 15 (not bulling related) but your brains aren’t formed properly!

People can change but often people who were bullies at school continue to be bullies at work, etc. I have bumped into women who picked on me at school and found them to be largely just as horrible as now as they were then. They're the ones that need help.

Also people saying "talk to your manager" I wouldn't be able to take something like this to my manager. The OP sounds like they are in a similar position where I can't take this level of conversation to them. They are exec level and would look like I was wasting their time.
If you can then it's great to discuss with your manager but a lot of the time I can't.

Of course if OP takes any of this 'advice', she's the one likely to find herself no longer taken seriously.

@HappyDays101010

We’re all going to be gutted if it turns out it wasn’t her

I seriously hope that most of the people commenting on here don't have an actual job with any responsibility.

Terrifying.

@HappyDays101010

We’re all going to be gutted if it turns out it wasn’t her

Hmmmm - that says a lot about you to be honest, to want someone to have that level of drama,

@vajingleberry

I seriously hope that most of the people commenting on here don't have an actual job with any responsibility.

Terrifying.

Yup.'

@CrumpleHornedSnowcack

I would outright ask her if she went to blabla school & if she says yes tell her you remember her with a stern look on your face

Yes I’d do that. Then see if she does a little dance if she recalls(often they don’t though). Hope their product is crap so you can go with a competitor.

My bully applied for a job on my team. She was relentless at school and I moved schools because of her. She knew the reason I left school. It was the early days of social media and she contacted me on Bebo (lol) to gloat.

Anyway, 15 years later her CV came through to me and i was the senior manager of the team she was applying to join, so I was the manager of her future manager if she got the job if that makes sense.

As tempting as it was to sit in on her interview and make her squirm, I recused myself just citing that we’d been at school together.

She got the job. On her 4th day I was doing an induction presentation to her and some other new starters and I could tel immediately that she recognised me, so I just said ‘XXX were actually at school together, it’s such a small world!’ During the icebreakers - exactly those words and didn’t address it again.

2 weeks later I get an email from HR - she’s put in a formal complaint saying I made her feel very uncomfortable by ‘bringing up our past’ - I played dumb, emailed back and asked what past she was referring to and could HR be more specific because I’d just mentioned we were at school together. They emailed back saying on clarification, no further action was required

She handed her notice in 3 weeks later after it became clear no one was going to sack me

Was it her?

I'd fully turn their demo and the contract down and tell her company that you don't do business with thugs. Karma's a bitch isn't it ?

If you can’t find it in yourself to be professional rather than petty. Than dont attend the meeting.

You need to address this with professional help if it’s such an issue for you and has traumatised you for the last 20 years.

If however it’s just a case of you want petty one up man ship then you need to give your head a wobble. Be the professional you are. Not the bullies teen you were.