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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 12/10/2021 14:01

Just because other people have it worse doesn't mean your situation is fun. (Not sure why MN has to descend into misery olympics - there's always someone worse!)

I think the bigger mistake was you saying that you'd take 4 days off to him taking 1 day off to look after the sick child. That needs to be 50/50. I think that automatically sets the scene in his head that sick kids are your responsibility.

I think that you being able to wfh is somewhat irrelevant because you can't work if you are looking after a sick child.

Maryann1975 · 12/10/2021 14:25

I can’t believe there’s people here who think you can look after a child and a baby when you’re vomiting and have diarrhoea. Have they never been ill
Err, yes, I’ve been ill with sickness and diarrhoea and that’s how I know that I am capable of looking after a baby and a toddler who are also ill while I am ill. It’s not great. The dc probably watched far too much peppa/CBeebies that day, but we managed. I can’t remember too much about it, but I expect Dh came in after work and I went to bed on my own and he dealt with the dc while I rested. He’s gone to work. I’d feel far differently if he had gone out to the pub with his mates, but I don’t see work as optional really and I can’t see many work places taking kindly to ‘just in case I’m ill’ days off.

LadyMuckington · 12/10/2021 14:38

YABU

saraclara · 12/10/2021 14:53

@ADreadedSunnyDay

This thread has made me so angry! OP is not being unreasonable at all yet so many people seem to think
  • it is not the man's responsibility to look after his children when they are sick
  • his work is more important than his wife's
  • it is ok for a woman just back from mat leave to take unlimited time off, implication that her job and career don't matter
  • there is no requirement for employers to offer care of dependents' leave or be flexible in this situation (which IMO is nonsense as most employers would offer unpaid leave)
  • it is OK to leave a sick 9month old in the care of someone who is very unwell herself
Many of those things are what he did yesterday.
  • He looked after the children when they were sick.
  • He stayed home from his work so that OP could go to hers
  • see above

Unfortunately sometimes parents have to look after their children while they're unwell themselves. Partners work away, or they're single parents, or there's simply something so important at work that it really can't be missed (and the sex of the sick and the working parents isn't the issue).

HebalGerbil · 12/10/2021 14:55

I have literally never, in all my years on Mumsnet, seen so much misogny in the majority of replies on one single thread.

I can't even comment on specific individual instances of misogyny. It's become a massive homogenised lump of sexism. I would be rereading to check source and typing all day and my desire to bollock sexist attitudes isn't that strong.

Saying that, fucking hell, this place is called Mumsnet.
Mumsnet.

toomuchlaundry · 12/10/2021 14:58

Not exactly @saraclara. DH wasn't ill, so was able to look after the baby much more easily than someone who is sick. Also, unless I have read it wrong, the oldest child only became ill during the next night

icedcoffees · 12/10/2021 15:05

I totally get that looking after sick children while being sick yourself is grim, but I agree with a PP who said it's not about him choosing work over you, it's about him going to work because, while you can still cope, that's the right thing to do.

He might get sick himself later in the week, or you might feel even worse tomorrow and need his help more then than you do today, so it makes sense that he saves his time off for when it's really needed, especially as he won't get paid for being off to look after the DC. There's no point you both being off work unpaid if it can be helped.

I hope you all feel better soon though, sick bugs are utterly grim Flowers

Cuddlyrottweiler · 12/10/2021 15:33

I'd be annoyed if I was his employer because he's probably taken it to work with him. Unless he works alone/outside.
DH had to work when I had a sickness bug. We just stayed in bed while he was gone, he works alone and had been off while he was ill with it the few days before. We didn't have the option of him staying home to look after us.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/10/2021 15:53

I have literally never, in all my years on Mumsnet, seen so much misogny in the majority of replies on one single thread.

If the OP was a man complaining that his wife (who stayed off work yesterday to look after their children) had gone to work today, leaving him to look after their children, do you to think anyone would be saying she should have stayed home?

I don't. I don't think this is about misogyny so much as attitudes to work.

FancyAnOlive · 12/10/2021 15:56

Surely he can't take dependency leave if there is another adult at home? I sympathise as it's vile being ill and having to look after kids but we all have to do it nonetheless. I'm a single parent so have never had anyone else there at all when we're ill - rarely actually undoable if horrible!

ADreadedSunnyDay · 12/10/2021 16:01

if I have read initial post correctly DS stayed home to look after 1 baby while OP was at work. OP then appears to have done the majority of the overnight cleaning up of sick, changing nappies despite starting being ill herself. There doesn't seem to be any sense of equality in this arrangement alone.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 12/10/2021 16:02

As you told him to go in I don’t think you can blame him for going, he did offer to stay.

Yes it’s horrible having a sick bug when the kids get one, but unless you were physically unable to cope or too ill to manage the baby safely I don’t think the whole family needs to stay home.

Although chances are your DH has now gone and spread it around his workplace. It depends how much contact he had with the ill kids I guess and how susceptible he is to bugs? I find I always catch vomiting bugs from our son but DH never does, even when he’s been vomited on!

But then you’d been to work too so can’t really judge him for that.

ADreadedSunnyDay · 12/10/2021 16:03

dependancy leave covers dependant spouses too. I got a couple of hours leave one to take DH to hospital when he was very unwell.

FranceTeam · 12/10/2021 16:04

I would always take sick leave in this situation. Work should always take second place to family. What if something happened to the wife and kids when the husband was away, could you really forgive yourself in order to go in to work.

Most work places would lay you off without thinking about it if they had to, so you can slack off too if you need it.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 12/10/2021 16:11

[quote Jangle33]@timeisnotaline I’m well aware of emergency leave. The aim behind it however is to sort childcare. Yes the DH could utilise but let’s be honest as an employer I’d expect it to be used as last resort not for a run of the mill sickness bug.[/quote]
And who on earth is going to volunteer to come and watch children with a sickness bug? I know that if I were in that situation the kids grandparents definitely wouldn’t so it would fall to either my husband or I.

Dcrolo12345 · 12/10/2021 16:11

@Lockheart

You say your partners too ill to look after the kids ?

@yellowgecko
Make sure that when he catches it you piss off to work and leave him to deal with the kids too. Hopefully there all ill at the same time still then he’ll see how shit it is literally 😒

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 12/10/2021 16:12

I feel you’ve had a rough time of it on here OP. He should’ve stayed at home. My OH would have stayed if I were poorly, and he wouldn’t have wanted to go into work to spread it around (let’s face it if you all have it chances are he will too).

sillysmiles · 12/10/2021 16:30

Can you imagine how delighted his colleagues are to have him in when he say - "gosh I'm glad to be here today wife and 2 kids are home with D&V"

saraclara · 12/10/2021 16:37

@sillysmiles

Can you imagine how delighted his colleagues are to have him in when he say - "gosh I'm glad to be here today wife and 2 kids are home with D&V"
I regularly had staff members be in work and say that someone in their family had D&V. It never occurred to me or to them, that they shouldn't be at work.

You don't get to not be at work in case you're about to catch something.

2Rebecca · 12/10/2021 16:39

He isn't sick. Most people can't just take a day's annual leave with no notice

HSHorror · 12/10/2021 16:59

I agree with pp you had to keep 5yo off 48h anyway if uk.
It's not pleasant. I once have d&v and had to get kids ready for school luckily we are close.

Tilltheend99 · 12/10/2021 17:05

Despite being in a pandemic for over a year now still no one knows how infection works…

sillysmiles · 12/10/2021 17:08

@Tilltheend99

Despite being in a pandemic for over a year now still no one knows how infection works…
And where a lot of people managed to work from home*

*not all workers

Ricekake · 12/10/2021 17:09

@HebalGerbil

I have literally never, in all my years on Mumsnet, seen so much misogny in the majority of replies on one single thread.

I can't even comment on specific individual instances of misogyny. It's become a massive homogenised lump of sexism. I would be rereading to check source and typing all day and my desire to bollock sexist attitudes isn't that strong.

Saying that, fucking hell, this place is called Mumsnet.
Mumsnet.

How are the replies misogynistic? I bet if the OP was saying DH is unwell and the children are too, I had yesterday off and I'm concerned about taking another day off should I stay home people would no doubt be saying no he should crack on etc.
icedcoffees · 12/10/2021 18:05

@sillysmiles

Can you imagine how delighted his colleagues are to have him in when he say - "gosh I'm glad to be here today wife and 2 kids are home with D&V"
You can't stay at home because you might be contagious!