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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
Fraine · 12/10/2021 12:05

@ufucoffee

He should've gone to work. No point in him being off if you're at home even if you are ill. I'm possibly unsympathetic because I was a single parent and had to look after my sick children when I was also sick and didn't have an option of having someone there to help. Sorry.
It's not a race to the bottom Hmm

Your situation is irrelevant to the OPs.

WhateverIdo · 12/10/2021 12:08

The OP is mildly ill. Is it horrendous, yes...bit it's a mild illness. If you're well enough to.moan. online....it is 100 percent mild.

WakeMeUpin22 · 12/10/2021 12:10

Yanbu. My husband always stays home or leaves work to get home ASAP if I've got D&V or really unwell and unable to look after OUR children. Luckily that isn't often!

Your husband is very unreasonable!

Franklyfrost · 12/10/2021 12:19

Sheesh people are harsh.

You needed help. I know that feeling when you want to be cared for with out having to ask for it. The sh*t thing about being a grown up is that often you need to ask: ‘I really don’t think I can cope today, I’m too sick to supervise the kids especially as they’re unwell too. Please stay at home and help.’

I hope today goes okay. It will pass.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/10/2021 12:26

Yanbu at all OP

Of course you shouldn’t be looking after two sick children whilst you’re sick yourself. Sounds like his work would be totally fine with it.

I strongly feel as though escaping to the office was much more appealing to him than staying home looking after ill kids so that you can rest. If the tables were turned and he and the kids were ill, I wonder if he’d expect you to go into work.

His attitude to the first day when he had to stay off is very telling - he did it “reluctantly” and said that you should have stayed home… Hmm

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 12/10/2021 12:26

There was only 2 times in 10 years that ive needed ex to stay at home because ive felt too unwell, so it's not necessarily going to be all the time . He didnt bother either time and iirc didn't come back straight after work either. One of many reasons he's now an ex

As for what do you think single parents do, well we dont have a choce do we . Its not exactly a situafion anyone wants to be in if thet had a choice though. Too unwell to do anything but lay on the bathroom floor when you have young kids that are also poorly . It's bloody shit

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/10/2021 12:27

I’m a single parent and have had to struggle on ill so many times, but it’s irrelevant as you’re not one!

HermioneKipper · 12/10/2021 12:35

@yellowgecko

Ok I think I've had enough...in the main IABU for expecting him to stay home. Thank you for giving me clarity on this.

If / when the situation arises again and he's ill and the kids are ill, he'll have to look after them himself. I'll be going to work. That prescient has been set Grin

The bigger issue is the communication (isn't it always) and we're def having a chat about his attitude when he left this morning.

As many pp have pointed out, we have it better than most, we will survive. For those who sympathised, much appreciated!

You definitely aren’t being unreasonable. I’m so sorry that all these posters are stone cold unsympathetic a-holes.

When I had norovirus there is just no way I could’ve looked after the children. I couldn’t move from the bathroom or my bed.

He’s your husband, your life partner and the father of your children. It’s definitely not too much to ask for him to take the day off and look after the kids.

I can’t believe there’s people here who think you can look after a child and a baby when you’re vomiting and have diarrhoea. Have they never been ill?!

Twobirdsinatree · 12/10/2021 12:39

YANBU
you are very ill and the children are very ill.. how are you going to carecfor all of you alone? And he's also probably carrying whatever it is you all have meaning he's now given it to everyone at his workplace.
Very silly to have gone in to work. He has other responsibilities besides his work. And workplaces should understand.

ADreadedSunnyDay · 12/10/2021 12:41

This thread has made me so angry! OP is not being unreasonable at all yet so many people seem to think

  • it is not the man's responsibility to look after his children when they are sick
  • his work is more important than his wife's
  • it is ok for a woman just back from mat leave to take unlimited time off, implication that her job and career don't matter
  • there is no requirement for employers to offer care of dependents' leave or be flexible in this situation (which IMO is nonsense as most employers would offer unpaid leave)
  • it is OK to leave a sick 9month old in the care of someone who is very unwell herself
BobbiPinsOn · 12/10/2021 12:57

YABU

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/10/2021 12:57

I'm sure his company will be appreciative of his professionalism in coming in once he has spread a d&v bug around the office...

me4real · 12/10/2021 13:09

YABU obviously. No employer would have someone take a day off as sick leave or whatever (except for something like Covid or Ebola or something) if they weren't actually ill themselves.

oakleaffy · 12/10/2021 13:12

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

There was only 2 times in 10 years that ive needed ex to stay at home because ive felt too unwell, so it's not necessarily going to be all the time . He didnt bother either time and iirc didn't come back straight after work either. One of many reasons he's now an ex

As for what do you think single parents do, well we dont have a choce do we . Its not exactly a situafion anyone wants to be in if thet had a choice though. Too unwell to do anything but lay on the bathroom floor when you have young kids that are also poorly . It's bloody shit

Exactly. And looking at the clock knowing you'll have to drag yourself out of the door to collect the DC from school, hoping you won't vomit again en route, and fretting about what to feed them when the sight of food makes one heave..
OfNick · 12/10/2021 13:14

Really feel for you with a stomach bug, they're nasty 😢 However I think YABU. My kids picked up constant tummy bugs when they were younger!! Sometimes you've just got to get on with it... single parent to three here. Last week I had an upset stomach, 2 out of 3 kids home ill and a full time job (work from home). I had to do it! There was no other option, if I don't work I don't get paid and there was no one else to call on. Sorry but DH did take a day off yesterday to help. Sometimes you have a responsibility towards your job too

OfNick · 12/10/2021 13:15

Also to make life easier get DH to buy pamper bed mats on his way home and cover the floor in them. Job done 👌🏻

Buttons294749 · 12/10/2021 13:20

Sorry yabu! You 3 have D&V not the plague! (Although I would imagine his boss would prefer him to WFH rather than spread it round the office) I don't understand why you don't think you can lool after a 5 yo and baby whilst being ill. Stick Peppa on, get the sick buckets out. Feel very sorry for yourself.

You were right about the previous day tho.

Hakunapotato · 12/10/2021 13:25

Is him being angry this morning not maybe feeling caught between a rock and a hard place? In an ideal world he’d be able to stay off with you and help but he will know his work best. It’s unfortunate, but many bosses still don’t understand men taking time off in the same way as women (I’m not saying I agree it’s just an observation). They’re expected to get into work unless they’re strapped into a hospital bed! And the ones who don’t, don’t get the promotions etc. It’s a lot of pressure.

Justme10 · 12/10/2021 13:26

I think his 1 day to your 4 days is irrelevant really, I'm assuming you would have been working from home on those days if you hadn't got sick and he can't do that so it does make more sense for you to be home.

It's sucks being ill when the kids are as well but it's just one of those things that can't be helped.
Just do what you can to get you all through the day until he gets home.

bobsholi · 12/10/2021 13:32

My work and DH's work wouldn't be too thrilled at the idea of us taking a day off when there is an adult at home anyway. I know it's horrible being poorly and having to look after poorly kids too, but hunker down with duvets and the TV and you'll manage. I do sympathise because it's shit but you will get through this.

DistantSkye · 12/10/2021 13:35

Sounds like your husband's attitude towards staying off yesterday wasn't great either.
However, I'm baffled by all the responses about the husband being unreasonable for going to work "whilst there's sickness in the house". Do you all genuinely expect people to take time off every time someone in their house had a stomach bug, even if they are well? How do you think hospitals/schools/retail/emergency services would run if people took "just in case" sick leave 😂? It's mad!

Im a teacher and am probably around kids with contagious siblings or colleagues with sick kids at home all the time (and at work when my own kids are unwell) even before you consider covid. It's never occurred to me to get so hysterical and insist that they should all be quarantining at home!

NortieTortie · 12/10/2021 13:41

YABU, but I sympathise. I was in a very similar situation and it was awful, we vegged out on the sofa with sick buckets galore. DH has also stayed home with the children when he was ill and I was not, ideally we need to save our days for if/when we catch whatever bug.

ChateauMargaux · 12/10/2021 13:44

Haven't read all of the replies.. obviously you can't go to work today as you are sick... but you do need to ensure that you do not take the lion share of the days required to look after sick children.. you have already sacrificed 9 months of your career for maternity leave, are in the female position of knowing that you will earn less than an equivalent man for the same job over your life time, so at a bare minimum, your DH should take equal share in taking care of your children when they are sick, otherwise your career will suffer more than his and it is all downhill from there.

Mamabear12 · 12/10/2021 13:45

So if you DS did not vomit again at breakfast you would have sent him to school? If a child ever vomits, they should not go to school for 48 hours (obviously unless it was due to car sickness or when you are 100% sure its not a bug). But in your case, you and your baby have the bug so you know it is a bug. This is how bugs are spread in school.

Less likely your DH has the bug as he is older. We have 3 dc and my DH has managed to never catch a sick bug from any of them (knock wood!). In the 10 years since we have had kids, I have only caught it once, so I would not make him stay home if he might have the bug...obviously if he starts having symptoms then he should not go to work.

I understand you want him to stay, but you can not expect him to stay home every time you guys fall ill...he has to work....and I guess since you have returned to work, you will have to take it in turns. My dh has never stayed home once because the kids were sick...even the first year when I did return to work. If my first born was sick I stayed home....mainly because my logic told me he was the higher earner so it made sense. Of course every family is different and some people can work from home or they take it in turns to stay home.

Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 13:54

@WakeMeUpin22

Yanbu. My husband always stays home or leaves work to get home ASAP if I've got D&V or really unwell and unable to look after OUR children. Luckily that isn't often!

Your husband is very unreasonable!

I’m glad I don’t work with your husband!