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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
WhoWearsShortShorts · 12/10/2021 18:07

@HebalGerbil

I have literally never, in all my years on Mumsnet, seen so much misogny in the majority of replies on one single thread.

I can't even comment on specific individual instances of misogyny. It's become a massive homogenised lump of sexism. I would be rereading to check source and typing all day and my desire to bollock sexist attitudes isn't that strong.

Saying that, fucking hell, this place is called Mumsnet.
Mumsnet.

Get a fucking grip would you
MindyStClaire · 12/10/2021 18:35

This thread is awful. OP, we've been in your shoes and we both stayed home. We are very lucky to have flexible jobs where no one is counting our leave and we just have to get our work done, so I do recognise our privilege. But it should be the case that every workplace would allow last minute leave to a parent with two sick children at home and a partner too ill to properly care for them.

Yes, others have managed as single parents, but OP isn't and if there was any chance for her DH to be home he should have been.

He also should have been planning on taking half of the week, OP should never have been planning on taking four days. That alone makes him unreasonable from the start.

I don't know why it took me so long to realise how unsupportive of mothers MN is, but it seems to be every other thread these days.

christinarossetti19 · 12/10/2021 20:03

Yes, a lot of the replies here are vicious, race-to-the-bottom misery Olympics.

The 'how do you think single parents cope?' are some of the worse because none consider what if OP's dh was a single parent.

They're all about telling OP to put up and shut up.

timeisnotaline · 13/10/2021 00:22

When these pile ons of get on with it and ‘I was a single mums’ start I always remember a thread about the woman and baby, she felt unwell for days and did everything for baby, her partner of course made no effort to even leave a little later for work or do a night wake, she asked him to stay and he refused. She ended up in hospital severely ill, might have been a kidney infection but can’t remember. She had to call an ambulance after collapsing, still looking after baby, he refused to come home from work. I hope she’s ok and he’s been an ex for a long time now.

LannieDuck · 13/10/2021 08:00

@timeisnotaline

When these pile ons of get on with it and ‘I was a single mums’ start I always remember a thread about the woman and baby, she felt unwell for days and did everything for baby, her partner of course made no effort to even leave a little later for work or do a night wake, she asked him to stay and he refused. She ended up in hospital severely ill, might have been a kidney infection but can’t remember. She had to call an ambulance after collapsing, still looking after baby, he refused to come home from work. I hope she’s ok and he’s been an ex for a long time now.
Yes - I thought of the same thread and nearly mentioned it yesterday, but I couldn't remember the details.

Even Mums get seriously ill sometimes.

MRex · 13/10/2021 08:24

Oh, well if one person got hospitalised with a kidney infection a few years back then that must mean anyone with any minor bug is at death's door.

RedHelenB · 13/10/2021 09:18

Yabu.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/10/2021 09:23

My boss has just gone in the office when his whole family have covid.

I quietly moved my wfh days so we don’t meet…

Generallystruggling · 13/10/2021 09:33

Depends on his job really. Some workplaces wouldn’t take too kindly to an employee having numerous days off in a row, others are more relaxed about it. I’m a teacher so it makes life difficult for everyone if I’m ever off, as a result I try my hardest not to be.

I’ve been alone with a sickness bug and young children before so I totally understand how wretched it is. I remember breastfeeding and vomiting into a bowl simultaneously, I did that with two of my children actually… It isn’t easy but doable, single parents have no choice.

Fluffmum · 13/10/2021 18:01

He’s probably given it to everyone in work now. Well don’t worry about it just concentrate on getting better. It’s not worth getting upset about

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 13/10/2021 18:06

But you were home to look after the kids? o yes, he should've gone to work. You were ill but its still possible to look after kids. Its hard and not ideal but you got to get on with it. We cannot take short notice leave at work.

Jewel52 · 13/10/2021 18:14

I had a very similar situation with my now ex DH and it was just indicative of his overall attitude. The kids were my responsibility and he preferred to be at work not clearing up sick. So that’s how you need to view this, not as a one off but in the light of how much he does his fair share generally and views your career as important.

picklemewalnuts · 13/10/2021 18:19

Just make sure when he gets the bug, you leave him at home with the DC's and doing the school/nursery runs etc, while you go to work as usual.

cherish123 · 13/10/2021 18:31

YABU
He would get into trouble and would not get paid if told the truth. He is entitled to take time off to look after sick children, he is not entitled to take time off to look after an adult. You have a bug and are not dying. While is it difficult to look after children (particularly sick children) when you are sick, it's not impossible. I would, however, expect DH to take over as soon as he returns.

cherish123 · 13/10/2021 18:31

He'll probably get it next too.

cherish123 · 13/10/2021 18:33

I do hope you feel better soon. I have been sick when DC is sick and it's awful.

Zipperdidoodaa · 13/10/2021 18:36

Can't believe you're getting such a hard time on here!

If you felt too poorly to look after your children then yes he should have stayed home to look after all of you. It seems like many people on here put work before their families. His duty is to you and your children first and foremost. Yes, some will argue that he has a duty to his employer too which is, of course, true but under the circumstances I would hope that most employers would have some compassion and understanding, I certainly would.
I hope you and your children feel better soon op Thanks

Pippy1900 · 13/10/2021 18:56

I am sure your husband would want to stay home and look after you, but he is probably worried about his job. As much as we live in a “equal” society, we don’t and the childcare primarily falls to Mum. I could work out how many children you have, but it sounds like you have a lot to support financially. I know you work and support the family too, but especially if you’ve been off and have a newish baby he probably sees it as his responsibility to be responsible for providing for you all. I would forgive him, get everyone in the same room, sofa or double with travel cot, put an endless stream of kids TV on and just let everyone snooze as needed. Maybe, he could sort out tea and leave sandwiches/made up bottles for you all tomorrow?

Pippy1900 · 13/10/2021 18:58

I would expect him to go in later/come home earlier to make sure he does the School runs though!

Pippy1900 · 13/10/2021 19:05

Also I had severe hyperemisis (sickness) from a couple of weeks after conception till 2 hours after birth. I vomited 20 times a day, on drop in and out of hospital and I stayed with my mum during the week or she stayed at ours and husband worked. When the weekend came and Mum went home I would cry at the thought of the poor care I would get from my husband! He just isn’t the nursing kind, my mum was a nurse! So personally I would also send him to work and stay home.

CottonSock · 13/10/2021 19:06

I've been there and dh begrudgingly did the nursery run and was a bit late for work. I was pissed off for sure when I thought he shouldn't.

I wasn't puking, but felt awful after a night awake with sick kid. Plus I would have had to take sick kid with me. My kids thankfully don't usually pass bugs onto one another or me.

I think in this position you should try and help your partner. It's bad enough having d&v without a baby and a 5yo.

Mumtoalmost4 · 13/10/2021 19:16

@ufucoffee

He should've gone to work. No point in him being off if you're at home even if you are ill. I'm possibly unsympathetic because I was a single parent and had to look after my sick children when I was also sick and didn't have an option of having someone there to help. Sorry.
Things like this really irritate me.

I’m sorry you are a single parent, but because there are millions of single parents out there having it hard, does that mean every married/living with partner parent should ACT like they’re single and not expect or ask for help off their SO?

No. OP has a husband, he should have stepped in to help.

Jewel52 · 13/10/2021 19:21

How is anything ever going to move forward if we complacently accept that it’s always mum’s job to nurse the sick, even when ill herself! This norm came from a time when women weren’t also working, and, ironically this provides justification for some managers’ reluctance to employ women with children as they’re more likely to have time off! And, quite honestly, I know many fathers from my social circle who openly admit they don’t do vomit 🤮

problembottom · 13/10/2021 19:26

It’s so hard when you don’t have family nearby. I remember when DD was about six months, I was so ill and DP went to work for five hours, he works in football and it was a very important match and he felt he needed to go and I said ok very reluctantly. I spent most of the time he was out lying sideways on the floor with DD playing on her playmat as I couldn’t lift my head up. It was awful.

flippertyop · 13/10/2021 19:27

It totally depends on how sick you are. If you are too sick to look after the children he should have stayed at home. If you can manage then he is fine to go to work