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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
Taytotots · 12/10/2021 10:51

YANBU op to want him to stay home. You have had hardly any sleep and are probably not in a fit state to care for two kids with D&V.
In reply to the other posters, sure OP might just about be able to manage, but she shouldn't have to. She is not a single parent and sounds like DHs job would be ok with it. Ideally all workplaces would be but I appreciate that's not the case currently.
But OP, you need to tell DH directly that you need him to stay and why. If he is anything like my DH he just won't get it otherwise. I made the mistake before of passive aggressively telling my DH that of course he could head off with his friends doing a hobby for the day if he really had to. So he did and left me to get myself home from hospital when I was discharged from an inpatient stay Hmm. I have been very direct since then. I know you want him just to realise you need him but it might not happen.

Jangle33 · 12/10/2021 10:52

@HailAdrian but the covid rules in England are you can attend work even if another member of your household has covid.

And we wonder why cases are rising!

MRex · 12/10/2021 10:54

Mothers (& sometimes fathers) do look after children when unwell but there is a limit, d&v is definitely beyond that limit
This is just silly. We all had D&V at the same time once with the baby and got on with it. You all feel crap but you just get drinks, crackers and do clean-up as you go. It doesn't take effort, everyone just snuggles in with buckets at the ready.

Amiwronghere · 12/10/2021 10:57

Wrong place to post op, this topic always brings out the absolute nut cases. Seems to be some kind of vicious competitiveness about how tough they had it and how you also therefore must be tough, and how work
comes before anything and everything…
Yanbu. Out here in the real world, decent partners would absolutely be staying off when you’re sick and multiple children are ill.

Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 10:57

@Rosebel

I don't think YABU. You are sick and have 2 children who are also sick. My husband would also fuck off to work if me and the kids were sick and I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to care for sick kids when you also feel shit. He surely could have taken one more day off. Be careful it doesn't sound like he agrees with sharing sick days either. Hopefully next time he'll be sick when the kids are and you can go to work. Hope you feel better soon.
This is mumsnet, it’s a forum that mums read. Do you really think there are people on here who haven’t looked after ill kids when they’ve been ill themselves?
RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 12/10/2021 10:57

Why are so many people saying the OP is expecting her DH to stay home and look after her? She wants him to look after the children. He doesn't need to be sick himself, or use AL, to look after his children when their normal childcare arrangements aren't available.

They couldn't go to nursery and school so they needed someone else. That should be OP or DH. But OP wasn't available as she was ill, so it's his responsibility. He gets emergency dependant's leave for that.

If they used a CM and she was ill one day, should they insist on dropping the kids off anyway because they had to go to work?

And it's concerning that he was reluctant to stay at home to look after the baby on the first day. He's got used to childcare being OP's responsibility over the last 9 months and is going to struggle to accept that the DC are just as much his responsibility now as hers, and that her job matters too. At this point, when OP's just gone back after mat leave and will need to prove her commitment (unfortunately that is probably how it will be seen), he should step up more than her, not less, when it comes to taking time off for sick children.

When he gets the bug, OP, make sure he remembers that being ill doesn't mean he gets any time off domestic work. He's set the precedent.

girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 11:00

@RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime she said I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

She wanted him to stay at home to look after them all. She's specifically said that.

She said if he was ill she'd have stayed home to look after them all.

She told him she'd stay home today which is why he assumed he was ok to go. He asked if she wanted him to stay home and she told him to go to work.

Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 11:03

@timeisnotaline

Personally I have told my dh he will can pack his bags and fuck off if he strolls off to work leaving me home miserably sick and trying to care for baby again, I was so angry about that. He knows now! It must be very difficult for single parents but i never want to feel like a single parent when sick again, if I do I’ll take steps to be one. Also, when I go back after maternity leave, dh is fully aware that he is parent number 1 for baby- baby is sick he leaves work to collect, and stays home the next day unless it is convenient for me, as I’m just back and want to make a good impression.

Your dh is full of if - if you shouldn’t have gone yesterday since you’re sick today he shouldn’t have gone today as he’s just as probably getting it as you were. I’d tell him you’ve reconsidered and will never again offer the rest of the week if only he takes one day off as he seems to expect you to be the nanny when actually you have a job, so all future home with sick children will be shared equally. And the nanny would never turn up feeling like you do today, she’d call in sick.

Oh the irony! You can’t cope without your DH, so you threaten to leave him, and make yourself a single parent! So what happens when you’re a single parent and you’re struggling? Do the fairies come and fix it? Honestly, the way people talk on here astounds me.
MyDcAreMarvel · 12/10/2021 11:04

He can take dependants leave to look after his sick children. Annual leave or sick is not rot relevant.

EnidFrighten · 12/10/2021 11:09

This stands out to me: DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work.

You were already pissed off with him before this morning because he acted like he was doing you a favour by staying home with your shared daughter.

I think YANBU on the basis that his attitude seems a bit shit. On balance, going in to work was ok but he should have been more considerate throughout.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 12/10/2021 11:15

You are 100% YANBU.

What a selfish arsehole leaving you in that state.

saraclara · 12/10/2021 11:15

He took a day off yesterday to support you. Say he took today off too, and then he gets D&V tomorrow. He'd end up off for the whole week.

Look, I've been there, as have many of us. When both parent and child are ill together it's really hard. But unless bedridden we have to get on with it. And in some ways, if working, it's better than having to have time off for the child and then more time off for oneself.

If he hadn't taken time off yesterday, you'd have a point. But he was on your team then. Today it's your turn to take one for the team.

DameMaureen · 12/10/2021 11:16

Is this the expected norm then nowadays ? If one parent is sick then the other is expected to stay at home too ? Yes I know children are sick too .

girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 11:19

@DameMaureen

Is this the expected norm then nowadays ? If one parent is sick then the other is expected to stay at home too ? Yes I know children are sick too .
Only on Mumsnet. Back in the real world, we don't ask our partners to take unpaid time off unless it's absolutely essential.
saraclara · 12/10/2021 11:19

@Swimmingwiththefishes

So many posters saying he couldn't just take time off as he wasn't sick...

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Time off for dependents is something you are entitled to. And 'an emergency' doesn't have to be life threatening or involve hospital, just that they need to care for family members

Both mine and my DHs employers have actively communicated this and my DH used it only last week when I and our DS had norovirus. If he hadn't, he would have used annual leave.

He DID take time off for that. Yesterday. But now OP is at home, albeit ill. So he needs to be back, especially if there's a chance that he might later need time off again if he catches it.
VeryLongBeeeeep · 12/10/2021 11:20

@daisypond

Sorry, I think YABU. He can’t just contact his work and ask for a day’s leave like that. And you were at home with the DC, even though you’re sick. You can muddle along for a day.
How do you know? Where I work he'd be given special leave for the day if he rang up and said (truthfully) that every one else in the household was ill and he needed to look after them all.
Fimofriend · 12/10/2021 11:24

I really do wonder at many of the answers here.

Yesterday when she went to work only the kids were sick. Her husband was FINE! So it is not the same thing at all. OP is sick! She is supposed to stay in bed and get better. Not look after the kids. Bet her husband wouldn't look after kids while he was sick whether they were sick as well or not.

Fimofriend · 12/10/2021 11:29

Not to mention that as it is vomiting and diarrhea there is a huge possibility that many of his department are now going to be ill the rest of this week. I seriously doubt, they'll thank him for that.

I had a coworker do just that. He was bragging how tough he was for coming into work even though the kids had kept him up all night vomiting. Of course, the idiot didn't say it until he had been to work for at least an hour and had apparently touched everything. The majority of us were then ill for the rest of the week. We did not love him and neither did the boss (who also caught the bug). The idiot himself never caught the bug. He was just a carrier.

Crazybunnylady123 · 12/10/2021 11:30

I had a d&v bug last week, it started in the evening and It was horrendous I almost passed out.
I had DP there at the time and there is no way I could care for the children the next day. I couldn’t get my daughter to school in that state or be left with a baby. I think it depends how bad the illness is. Obviously he stayed home with us and that night everyone else had it. So I was taking care of him and our girls. We would never leave each other alone sick with the kids YANBU!

BungleandGeorge · 12/10/2021 11:33

You’re not entitled to emergency carers leave after the first day because it’s no longer an unforeseen emergency on the second day. You may be allowed to take annual leave or parental leave (unpaid) but that’s unlikely if there’s already an adult at home. I think you just have to muddle through, only do what needs doing. I wouldn’t ask anyone not sick to look after someone with D&V unless it was an emergency because it’s so infectious. Kids are sick a lot, i think each parent has to take the minimum amount of time off and share it between you.

icedancerlenny · 12/10/2021 11:35

You just have to get on with it. I’ve got MS and am often too unwell to really care for my child but it’s just life. Grow a backbone.

Ricekake · 12/10/2021 11:47

It must be very difficult for single parents but i never want to feel like a single parent when sick again, if I do I’ll take steps to be one

Yeah that makes perfect sense, logic has evidently left the building.

Quartz2208 · 12/10/2021 11:52

I think you need to have a sensible conversation with your DH about how it works now you are back to work and expectations on both sides.

Things have changed again - now there are two children both of whom can get sick and how it works and who does what needs to be calmly discussed. Including yes if you are ill (even if the children arent) on a work day for the other that means you take charge of the children

LuaDipa · 12/10/2021 11:57

The comparisons about single parents hold no weight simply because you are not a single parent.

Yanbu and when he comes down with this - because he most likely will - I suggest that you head off to work without a backward glance and leave him with the kids. He won’t mind.

WhateverIdo · 12/10/2021 12:03

What do you think single parent families do?
People have to work. It's frowned upon to have time off especially when not needed. I think you're being a bit precious.

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