If you have no friends…

[PegorySpeck]

Do you think there is something wrong with you, or you just haven’t met your tribe yet?

It's me. I do have 2 very good friends, but other than that, nothing.
I don't understand what turns someone from an acquaintance into a friend. So I have many people that I will stop and chat to, but only if I see them. I know it is me, but I have no idea how to move on to the next stage IYSWIM.
It is sometimes lonely, but I am an introvert anyway.... and I do think Autism may be the reason.

Posted too soon!
I’m teaching my children that it is give and take in friendships and that anybody who puts you down isn’t a friend they need, it’s a warning sign that you’re not important to them. I want them to have boundaries and blossoming friendship, but I want them to know it’s not the be all and end all, people enter and leave your life over time and sometimes it’s for the best.

I went though some years with no friends. Moved to a new town, new (very demanding) job, young children, and I simply didn't have the time to do any socialising. I reckon this is quite common.

We've hosted people at our house about 3 times in the just twelve months on my brief reckoning.

DW used to have friends but hardly socialises now and has lost touch with them. If think she just can't be bothered now and the family plus her work colleagues are sufficient company for her.

I'm male, mid 40s. I've made some friends through hobbies etc. All female. Very, very difficult to strike up friendships with other men. Happily, DW doesn't mind this.

I'm 55 and it's me
I have online friends that I meet very very rarely as we're all over the country, but when we do meet up it drains the life out of me and it takes me about a week to recover, it's a standing joke with my DH & DD
But a best mate/very close friend? Nope
I had one that was almost like a Sister to me, friendship ended after 11 years as she was a bit unhinged and a drama llama so slowly backed away, and felt loads better for it although I do miss her now and again
It does worry me to a certain extent that I don't have any friends, but I don't actually like people that much to invest and nurture a meaningful friendship lol
Once I move I'll be joining a couple of classes etc but I just plod along, so we shall see...
I might just remain a lonely, miserable bastard

@HarlanPepper

I think it's mostly me. I don't know how to feel comfortable around most people. I feel like I have to be 'on' in most social situations and it's tiring. But then there's also an element where, due to luck and circumstance, I'm very out of practice at spending time with anyone apart from my family, and I feel that if I did it more, it might feel less like hard work.

Sounds like me!

Some people have loads and loads of very superficial 'friendships' or are very loud and/or charismatic and people seem to be drawn to them whether they're nice or not. I'm not charismatic or interested in superficial friendships or interested in a friendship where I'm 'useful' for a while.
I think the older I get the more discerning I get when it comes to friendships and the less bothered I am about not having many/any.

I’ve wondered this. I think circumstances play a big part. For example if you’ve grown up in a town and never left you’re more likely to have a big circle of friends based on school mates and family friends and so on. Same if you’ve left for Uni and jobs but come back to visit parents and relatives. My DH has a large circle of childhood friends from this set of circumstances. I’m the opposite - I grew up overseas if w country with a lot of expatriates so people constantly joining schools and then leaving. I do have a few friends from primary but due to the international upbringing they live all over the place. Then I went to three secondaries (one overseas and one in the UK). Then at Uni I was very shy and unconfident and did have some good friends there but 20 yrs on we both longer meet up, it’s just online. I work for a tiny company which for a long time didn’t have an office so haven’t developed friendships in that way via colleagues. Then at the kids school…depends on the year and whether parents knew each other before joining etc. It’s tricky!

I've never really been bothered about having friends, not even as a child. I had one or two along the way but was never sad when they moved on. I'm mid forties now, closest thing I have to a friend is an exdp but he's in another country.

I have adhd so it's probably me, but I'm not losing sleep over it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm a single parent and find that I'm so drained most days emotionally and practically that I don't have much left to meet people. Although I used to be a very sociable person.

Sad, perhaps but if I go out I'm always thinking of all the things I need to do at home that will pile up whilst I'm not there.

Perhaps also I'm more self reliant now, case of having had to be. Not so bothered about what people think as I was when I was younger.

For me I can pinpoint where it started.
My dm was very over bearing,and never allowed me to go out.
I was never allowed to go to town or just hang around.
And I know that made me miss part of the growing up stage.

I did have friends from when I worked but 1 ghosted me and the other we just kind of outgrew each other.

Plus I think everyone thinks I'm weird and I feel I'm asked places to make the numbers up and not because I'm actually wanted.

No I just think I'm anti-social. in all honesty the people round here are gossipers or Coke heads, nothing I want to be involved in. I'm happy being on my todd right now.

Friendship takes time and effort, and I have so little spare of either of those. Between full time work, a part time degree and two small children, if I get any spare time I'd rather spend it relaxing or indulging in one of my (solitary) hobbies. Add in being an introvert who is already fairly worn out by current level of social interaction. Friendships don't have much hope of taking root in my life.

I'm still in touch with friends from years ago, but we've drifted apart over the years. Largely because I've physically moved away from them, but also because our lives have changed.

Sometimes I feel lonely, maybe when I've got older kids and the degree is done I'll have time to spend with people. Maybe.

Imposter syndrome plays a part too. I'm always convinced people don't actually want to spend time with me, and that they do it because they feel they have to. This extends to my family, I know logically it's not true, and they've never given me a reason to feel this way, but it's there in my head and makes me reluctant to force my company on others.

@Tal45

Some people have loads and loads of very superficial 'friendships' or are very loud and/or charismatic and people seem to be drawn to them whether they're nice or not. I'm not charismatic or interested in superficial friendships or interested in a friendship where I'm 'useful' for a while. I think the older I get the more discerning I get when it comes to friendships and the less bothered I am about not having many/any.

Agree with this. Just been to visit a friend abroad who has a ridiculous amount of "friends", in actual fact they're all pretty much superficial temporary aquaintances. I found being with her, and them exhausting. I have a handful of clise friends who I keep up with. Covid has helped me realise having hoardes of friends isn't all it's cracked up to be and I've naturally let a few people go. I'm so drained after socialising I reserve it for special people and special occasions!

My dm was very over bearing, and never allowed me to go out. I was never allowed to go to town or just hang around. And I know that made me miss part of the growing up stage

Actually I can relate completely to this. So perhaps it's not all me. But I've managed fine, been a single parent for a massive chunk of my adult life - still am - so I'm very self reliant. Probably just as well 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MimiDaisy11

This thread is both sad but also comforting- in the sense that I can relate and I’m not alone.

I find the loneliest moments are in groups not on my own. I’ve never really felt lonely on my own. I have a partner and child so that takes up a lot of time and so when I have free time there’s always a hobby or project I’m working on.

Also I think as I’m an introvert it requires a lot of energy and I’ve had experiences where I’ll make the effort a few times, and then give up.

I’ve had shallow friendships but not one that’s lasted. I became quite depressed and cynical as a teenager- lots of my friends would constantly bitch or tell your secrets to a boy in class for the sake of getting in his favour. Things like that just pushed me a away from my friendship group and I never found another.

I’m due to get married and my in laws have mentioned a hen-do which I wasn’t planning on having due to lack of female friends. So I do worry about being judged for not having friends.

I just thought I’d say try not to feel judged about having a lack of women at your hen do, I had two of them as I’m from the north but lived down south at the time, and the best one by far was just me and my SIL and a new acquaintance from work who I invited and didn’t expect to turn up. 4 people I was relatively close to didn’t bother turning up, and I was initially very upset, but we went for food, drinks and dancing, then ended the night swimming in the sea and walking back to mine to sleep. It was great!

I had friends in Primary School (all girls school) but when we moved to secondary school they went to different schools so we lost touch.
The people I was in secondary school (all girls school) with weren't particularly nice and bullied me so I grew a hard exterior shell to protect myself. I did have one or two people that I hung around with but after secondary school we lost touch. One of them I thought was my best friend and I went to her wedding but when it came to my wedding, she didn't come to it so I made a choice to stop contact there. That was very hurtful to me.
In college I thought I'd make friends but I don't have any lasting friendships from their either. Loads of the people I was in college with managed to get into the college with their class mates. I was the only one from my secondary school to make it into this college so I knew no one. I also think that the hard exterior from secondary school meant that I may have seemed more unapproachable or whatever.
I thought I'd make friends as the kids were little with other new parents but I didn't. Then I went back to work and didn't have the opportunity to build friendships at the school gates or with other parents because I was at work and not doing the school run.

I have colleagues from work (don't socialise with them much) and I have neighbours (also don't socialise with them much either).

I am really jealous of my husband who still has friends that he socialises with from primary school.

I often think that at my funeral, very few people (outside of family) would show up and for his there will be loads of people...too many and the church would be overflowing.

It is very upsetting to me that I don't have friends and I honestly don't know why I don't. I don't think it is as blunt an either/or situation as you put in your opening post @PegorySpeck. Circumstances can play a massive part in why someone might not have any friends. I mean why does my husband still have friends from primary school that he hangs around with and I don't??? I don't know.

Aaah @ThePearSquare
That's a lot of losses in a relatively short period, reading your post no wonder you are more wary. Putting so much of yourself into friendships and being hurt so much may make you more resilient.

It took me a long time to understand my own boundaries and I was only able to do this after drawing away focusing only on my family and thinking more about myself and the company or spaces I felt comfortable in.
Looking back, for a period it seemed I was also drawn to friendships where it soon surfaced that they had a lot of demons they were dealing with or were quite needy. Example - you can feel the prickles if you mention you are spending time with another friend. Or there is domestic problem but they cannot deal with it and won't seek help, so the conversations are draining and at some point I either realised I did not feel Good about the friendship or didn't have the capacity to support them emotionally so eventually came across like a shit friend because all I knew to do was draw back. Anyway On both sides it is all experience that I can share with my children and people close to me.

Something wrong with me.

I’m autistic.
I’m introverted.
I like old fashioned things.

I’m friends with my neighbour, we get on really well but sometimes she shakes her head at me and tells me I’m really weird I’ve never been able to fit in and doubt I ever will.

I joined an on line but local book club the other month (with the view to sharing a mutual interest with other locals) and within the first fortnight, I just couldn’t keep up with the rest of them and I think that is the basis of why I don’t have personal connections outside of my family.

There are a couple of people I know I could turn to in a hurry if needs must, which I think is awesome in itself, but as far as a friendships go, I just don’t think I can give what is required to have a best friend.

@BorderlineHappy

For me I can pinpoint where it started. My dm was very over bearing,and never allowed me to go out. I was never allowed to go to town or just hang around. And I know that made me miss part of the growing up stage.

I did have friends from when I worked but 1 ghosted me and the other we just kind of outgrew each other.

Plus I think everyone thinks I'm weird and I feel I'm asked places to make the numbers up and not because I'm actually wanted.

I too can relate to this, doubled with her narcissistic personality and my father’s enabling I was always walking on eggshells and trying to please them just to have a quiet life. That’s probably why I’m too nice to people, go figure!

@PreparationPreparationPrep

Aaah *@ThePearSquare* That's a lot of losses in a relatively short period, reading your post no wonder you are more wary. Putting so much of yourself into friendships and being hurt so much may make you more resilient.

It took me a long time to understand my own boundaries and I was only able to do this after drawing away focusing only on my family and thinking more about myself and the company or spaces I felt comfortable in.
Looking back, for a period it seemed I was also drawn to friendships where it soon surfaced that they had a lot of demons they were dealing with or were quite needy. Example - you can feel the prickles if you mention you are spending time with another friend. Or there is domestic problem but they cannot deal with it and won't seek help, so the conversations are draining and at some point I either realised I did not feel Good about the friendship or didn't have the capacity to support them emotionally so eventually came across like a shit friend because all I knew to do was draw back. Anyway On both sides it is all experience that I can share with my children and people close to me.

Yes, it has been a busy decade or so, but I can’t say I miss those days. I invest just enough now to make people feel they are valued (because they are!) but not enough to make me seem like a mug if they ditch me. I absolutely get what you’re saying about boundaries, and you’re right it is so important to pass these lessons on, whether they choose to listen to you is another thing! What do parents know, eh? 😉

I don’t have any close friends anymore. The one I did have, who was like a sister to me, ended the friendship because of something she twisted to her advantage because she wanted the friendship gone as she’d linked up with old friends from her past who she’d known for 30+ years. Our 6 year friendship just didn’t make the cut. She broke my heart and I’ve struggles for a long while now since it ended to understand what happened, what I did and what she hates me so much. It’s awful. I’ll never allow myself to build a friendship like that again and won’t trust again.

Until my mid/late 30s i had lots of friends on all levels.

• always at least 1 very close 'tell you everything and talk everyday' friend,
• 'do anything for each other anytime' friends,
• drinking buddies,
• school mum friends,
• work mates,
• 'see you twice a year and the months melt away' old school friends.

At 40 ish i remarried and suddenly just couldn't be arsed with anyone except my kids and my DH. Couldn't be arsed with nights out. Couldn't be arsed with coffee and chats. Couldn't be arsed with wandering round shops. Could barely be arsed texting anyone. Found myself alone (apart from quite big family) and wondering if i aught to care!

So now? I have a young one at primary again and so have met a couple of 'school mum' friends who i can text in an emergency and vice-versa and who can come to me for a moan, and who pop in sometimes for a rare coffee - but they are equally as wrapped up in their own lives as i am and it's all very low effort and it suits us perfectly like that. We might not exchange even a text for a week or two, but then suddenly see each other and have a good catch up.

I'm an introvert and I think this has played a massive role in my lack of friends because for me I've just not been interested in investing in friendships. Maybe this comes across to people and they just dont bother with me now.