If you have no friends…

[PegorySpeck]

Do you think there is something wrong with you, or you just haven’t met your tribe yet?

I have friends I meet up with at times and we talk a lot via text and messenger, but I don’t have that one person that I’d turn to in a crisis, except the man I married as he is genuinely my best friend.
I’m so bloody busy with work, kids, studying, renovating, volunteering and school crap that I can barely breathe on my own, so I really don’t have the time to maintain friendships and seek out new ones.
I imagine in time when I settle in a workplace I’ll be in for the rest of my career I’ll make a few solid friendships, but until then I’m not overly arsed and I’m happy to have minimal contact, meet once or twice a year, and chat about superficial crap just as they are.

@DarkDarkNight your post has just made me cry! Probably because it hit a nerve but really because I am sad for you.

Please feel free to message me on here any time you ever would like someone to talk to whether it’s big stuff or small stuff. I mean that. I know I’m just a stranger on Mumsnet but I’m happy to engage.

Oh, and I have this awful habit of when people tell me they’re so glad they met me and that I’m a great friend I really pull back and drift away.
No idea why, I didn’t even know I was doing it until I realised recently, and then I just sat there psychoanalysing myself. 🙄

I've travelled and moved around a lot, partly for adventure, partly for work, partly because I wasn't content in my home city and with school friendships. I have kept in touch with one or two people from each place, but any more than that is hard to maintain. As a result, I have lots of friends scattered around the place, but no real feeling of having a group or tribe I really belong to.

Meh. Both. I had an awful upbringing so never got to make lifelong friends then, and now, in my thirties, I hate sport and am Childfree, actively avoid being around peoples kids, so….sofa it is!

I don’t have many friends, and to be honest, no I don’t think it’s me. I’ve seen ‘it’s you’ being said a few times on here to various posters who post about lack of friends or friends of poor quality but, from life experience, most people are very selfish and out for themselves. Nice people get taken advantage of a lot. I would never set out to do the dirty on another human being but a lot seem to care.

I’m 32 years of age and the amount of times someone’s shit on my good nature I’ve lost count. So now I tend to keep myself to myself bar maybe 2 or 3 friends.

Really good friends are so difficult to come by I can’t be bothered anymore. I talk to most people superficially but very few great friendships. So, OP, it isn’t necessarily you, it’s probably society.

• a lot don’t seem to care

I have a couple girls from high school besides that I lost contact with a few people
If you have 0 friends besides family I think that’s weird

So helpful @DogsandCatsB4u

Not true, those on their own prefer their own company.. They are more aware of their surroundings and can suss out a bullshitter a mile off. Having a gaggle of people you call friends who talk about you or talk about each other v being on your own and relying on yourself, i knkw what id choose

For me, it's situations where a friendship can take root - a job, a club, school, a neighbor. But when the situation ends, then the friendship will fade away. Sometimes, I can maintain it, but it's hard. Out of sight, out of mind.

I'm late 50s now - single - and every woman I know 40+ who I am friends with (all single) has a prescription pill, alcohol, spending and/or hoarding problem. Every single one.

I still chat with them and I like them, but they have so many of their own demons to battle. I wonder if I can make friends with a older single woman that doesn't have some kind of addiction they are actively feeding.

@ThePearSquare
You could be my twin - both your posts but especially your 2nd. As soon as someone tells me I'm a good friend or we have a lot in common or words to that effect I draw back. I think I've been burnt a few times in my 30,S so now a bit defensive.

I do think being a good friend is something we should teach our children. I was never taught this or boundaries so really didn't know more than surface level of how to be or what to expect from Good friendships. I have learnt very late in life but still try and teach my children how to maintain good friendships. adult friendships Seem to be hard work especially when the ups and downs of day to day life take over.

I used to have friends in London but I had to move away with my partner and haven't made any new friends, we've had to move cities/towns a few times in the past 10 years. I also have cPTSD and Autism so that makes it more complicated, I am looking to move again, either off grid somewhere or buy a house, hopefully I can settle there and make friends.

I don't have a tribe, I have one good friend in the little row of eight old cottages here, I get on fine with the other people, but just as neighbours. I have moved house quite a few times over the years, and its usually the same, just one person, who becomes a friend. I don't like groupy things, especially chattering groups of women.

It's definately me. It's not that there's anything wrong with me, I just have very niche interests - and a dislike of fakery,

I tried making friends locally but just felt constantly judged for being different, and gave up. I used to visit friends abroad, precovid, and got the utter piss taken out of me for that as well.

shrug

I know loads of people but I'm neurodiverse (asd and adhd) and to be honest people suck. Just this weekend it was my baby shower and a friend who I thought was close decided to stay up all night and get pissed and then couldn't make the party, I found that quite hurtful and I don't need that kind of shit in my life. Cancelling 30 minutes before is just a dick move. People i meet always seem to do things like that, treat me quite badly but when I don't accept it then I'm the bad guy. So I usually just don't bother with people to much.

It's definitely me. I've got no confidence at all I'm shit at breaking the ice'

A bit of both, but a tribe isn’t to be found. I am the type of person who takes a long time to get to know someone, but tends to form deep friendships when I do. That has definitely gotten harder as I have gotten older. Being an autistic introvert does not help.

I had a best friend, but then I went and married him. Best thing ever. Wouldn’t change it for the world. I still haven’t managed to find a new friend though and it would be nice to have a friend who isn’t also my romantic partner.

Definitely Me, but I'm not complaining.

It’s me. I suspect ADHD but I also have an idiosyncratic accent that marks me as “different” as soon as I open my mouth. It’s always the first thing people comment on, followed by them not believing where I am from. Not a good way to start a relationship.

However, I’ve also realised in the past few years that I prefer spending a lot of time alone so I don’t make an effort anymore either. My upbringing means I have a poor “shark cage” so I’ve also been taken advantage of many times and now keep even potential friends at arm’s length.

I Sometimes think I'm not a very good friend. I find small talk exhausting and I'm good at supporting people if they are going through a tough time but I don't understand people who are always on the phone to each other, that kind of thing. I don't know what they find to chat about for hours.

I spend more time with my work colleagues than anyone else and get on v well with them but I worry that I will be lost when I retire without them.

I do have a few good friends outside work who I socialise with but I'm not v good at sharing my innermost thoughts and I think that's important in a really good friendship. I'm working on it ...

@LordoftheDanceSaidHe

Usually as an adult having very few friends is either a choice or due to you....

I don't think that's fair at all.

I moved far away from my friends and struggled to keep up with the distance over lock down. I can call but it's not the same, I realise that several friends were just peers to go to the 'right' places and not for the friendship. I also moved to a tiny village and don't fit in at all. I'm moving to a city very soon and then I'll know if it's me! I'm consciously going to look for friends who have more meaningful qualities. Wish me luck.

I'm autistic & a massive introvert, I don't do people in any way, even my family. I'm happiest on my own with a book. I have only been diagnosed two years but have struggled with friends & relationships all my life. When I met my exh & got to know his family I felt smothered, they were so in your face, I used to make excuses to get away, they were part of the reason the marriage broke up, there wasn't just me & him in the marriage, there was all his family.

In my younger years I was very social and popular. I was also a big people pleaser too.

Now that I'm older and moved around a lot and lost touch with them, I can't really be bothered.
I don't find dinner parties fun anymore. It was really fun to plan them but now I can't be bothered with that much work.

Once I get settled in when I move, I think I'll look for more activity based friends. Do something together and have lunch sometimes.