If you have no friends…

[PegorySpeck]

Do you think there is something wrong with you, or you just haven’t met your tribe yet?

Why do you ask OP? Are you researching or something?

@Nat6999

I'm autistic & a massive introvert, I don't do people in any way, even my family. I'm happiest on my own with a book. I have only been diagnosed two years but have struggled with friends & relationships all my life. When I met my exh & got to know his family I felt smothered, they were so in your face, I used to make excuses to get away, they were part of the reason the marriage broke up, there wasn't just me & him in the marriage, there was all his family.

In fairness, @Nat6999 you don't need to attribute that to your autism, I'd have thought that would be pretty claustrophobic for anyone, no matter their neurological profile. Who wants to be crowded out by in yer face people who don't have a clue how they come across and don't take anyone else's needs into account as long as they're OK

I think it's me. I don't want/need any friends anyway, but I think there must be something wrong with me because I've always struggled to make friends.
My DP has Aspergers and he has no friends either, but people do at least tend to like him. It must be something about how I come across that puts people off.

I think it’s actually really hard as an adult to make genuine long lasting deep friendships; I think to meet people who you really really click is very hard! Acquaintances easy and ‘nice’ friendships fine but not the sort you make growing up or in your teens/early twenties. It’s a bit sad but I think as people grow up life & personal issues get in the way. The few people I know who have a lot of really deep friendships as an adult literally spend all their time maintaining those friendships & I agree with a pp that actually for them it’s transactional (I don’t think they would admit that) and each of them is missing something else.. long term partner / parents etc and their friendships are their ‘family’. xo

I find most women around me that could be friends to be intensely annoying. Slights annoy me, so some bad manners, questionable viewpoints, Bridezilla like behaviour, etc and I'm pretty much done with you. And don't look back, which obviously alienates people. I have friends from my youth but as I get older I just can't be arsed anymore to make new ones.

I have one friend who lives hours away from me. I’d be happy if I lived near her and then never had to bother with other people. It took me until I was 28 to have a best friend and she’s all I need to be honest. I find other people difficult to relate to and exhausting and boring. Trying to build a new friendship is tiring and I just can’t be bothered anymore for it just to go wrong in the end.

I think it's mostly me. I don't know how to feel comfortable around most people. I feel like I have to be 'on' in most social situations and it's tiring. But then there's also an element where, due to luck and circumstance, I'm very out of practice at spending time with anyone apart from my family, and I feel that if I did it more, it might feel less like hard work.

I struggle to make friends now partly because LED lights give me a headache, so I can't go anywhere anymore. I like Mumsnet because I can meet people while staying at home.

I think maybe I don't see friends in the way others do, possibly that's down to the Asperger's?

I've had friends but the friendships tend not to be long term, so if one of us stops doing the hobby or work that led to us being friends then we drift away from each other again. I feel fine with that but then I don't particularly go in for sharing stuff about myself with others, which seems to be a prerequisite.

I don't really get a lot of the expectations some people have around friendships, so maybe that bit is me. The fact they ought to last indefinitely, for example, or that they're really hard work to maintain if you aren't "social" but nobody seems to mention that. I've also met a few people who seem ordinary enough but are quite dramatic once you get to know them a bit. Those people I'm quite happy to never talk to again and would consider that a 'them' thing.

I should also add that I don't feel lonely. There's an accepted wisdom that if you don't have either a lot of friends or a circle of close friends then you must be lonely, but I don't feel that. I sometimes worry that one day I'll wake up and feel it, but it hasn't happened yet and I'm starting to think it never will because not everybody feels the same way about things.

I think it can be definitely also a location problem. I’ve never struggled with friendships at all, despite moving around different countries a lot in adulthood, but I spent seven years living in a midlands village where, despite joining things and volunteering and having a child at school there, I never made a single friend. I did make good friends at work in the nearby city during the same period, but if I’d only ever lived in that village, I might well have been entirely friendless and thought it was me.

In 2019, I left that village and immediately began meeting very interesting people and forming friendships in my new location.

@ThePearSquare

I have friends I meet up with at times and we talk a lot via text and messenger, but I don’t have that one person that I’d turn to in a crisis, except the man I married as he is genuinely my best friend. I’m so bloody busy with work, kids, studying, renovating, volunteering and school crap that I can barely breathe on my own, so I really don’t have the time to maintain friendships and seek out new ones. I imagine in time when I settle in a workplace I’ll be in for the rest of my career I’ll make a few solid friendships, but until then I’m not overly arsed and I’m happy to have minimal contact, meet once or twice a year, and chat about superficial crap just as they are.

I can relate to this. Its maintaining a friendship that can be difficult not just from your side but theirs too.

I have a few acquaintances but no close friendships. This is out of choice. I have little desire or inclination to maintain friendships. I find them a chore.
Plus, I have a health condition which often leaves me exhausted and in pain so I end up having to cancel plans which isn't fair on others.

I'm a huge introvert and homebody. I have two small children and a wonderful husband. Any time I get to myself, I honestly prefer a walk to the library or in nature, yoga, reading, baking, drawing, etc. Even my hobbies are solo. I require a lot of downtime and I don't have the energy for friends.

I am 40 and have a lot of friends but also a trail of burned bridges behind me because I am a right fucking weirdo. Abusive childhood made me quite quick to cut people off, I don’t really do that anymore, I’ve chilled.

Am told by new people I meet that I am “fun” and have a “good energy”. I think it means I give very few fucks.

It doesn’t need to be you or choice only, it is also circumstance. The most important thing for a friendship to develop is to have a common ground with /similar circumstances as other people. Ie. I found it very easy to make long term friends with other mums at the school doors at the time we were all sending our first child to reception BUT it was not the same when my son moved to another school in Year 4, as the friendship groups were formed and many mums were now working.

I tend to have a lot of friends who are expats living away from their families or single mums (I am both). I have only acquaintances who go out regularly on weekends (I never do, as I struggled with babysitting so we have had no time to buildup a friendship).

There’s also the issue of approachability, it does help that everytime I feel a bit uncomfortable I smile (and laugh when I’m in trouble), people perceive that as being approachable and good fun, when in fact it is just making stupid jokes when getting nervous.

There’s also the issue of showing vulnerability to find what that common ground or open the door to other people. If you go around life showing you are great and your life is perfect people will struggle to be close to you. Ie. If you say you have a fussy child other people who have one will find that common ground (vulnerability). If you say you have a Porsche, people with other Porsches (similarity) won’t come running to you unless you are part of a Porsche enthusiast group or act like one.

In my experience, when I have become friends with people who have no / very very few friends, I find out at some point why and it’s usually something major. So far I have one friend who has no other friends who hasn’t given me reason to want / need to back off, but she lives at the opposite end of the country so most of our relationship is via text.

I had a few very close friends. One moved to the other end of the country for work. Two got married snd had children and now only want to socialise with other mums. Given I don't have DC, that doesn't include me
And we were friends for 15 years or more so it's a bit upsetting. I found when I stopped being the one to text first, they just didn't bother

@PesosBandage

I have friends from the past, and if I lived closer to any of them then we'd still be active friends, but I haven't had friends where I live for the last 10yrs or so.

I think it's me. I'm perfectly friendly and pleasant, I just don't seem to want friends now. I'm exhausted by the rest of my life. I've gone into "get by without friends" mode, and the energy required to get back into socialising just doesn't exist in me right now. So it's kind of a choice. I also find myself quite irritated by a lot of people around these parts (very posh, rather fake/ surface level chat only), so I'd struggle to find my tribe here anyway possibly...

I totally get that, we relocated this year, so left some good friends behind, still speak on the phone, but that’s all. I know I could meet friends here, but honestly I can’t be bothered at all.

This thread is both sad but also comforting- in the sense that I can relate and I’m not alone.

I find the loneliest moments are in groups not on my own. I’ve never really felt lonely on my own. I have a partner and child so that takes up a lot of time and so when I have free time there’s always a hobby or project I’m working on.

Also I think as I’m an introvert it requires a lot of energy and I’ve had experiences where I’ll make the effort a few times, and then give up.

I’ve had shallow friendships but not one that’s lasted. I became quite depressed and cynical as a teenager- lots of my friends would constantly bitch or tell your secrets to a boy in class for the sake of getting in his favour. Things like that just pushed me a away from my friendship group and I never found another.

I’m due to get married and my in laws have mentioned a hen-do which I wasn’t planning on having due to lack of female friends. So I do worry about being judged for not having friends.

It’s me! I can make friends but I keep them at arms length as they get too clingy.

I do have a good friend I’ve known years though, she is an introvert like me and she understands. We chat and meet up now and again with a mutual understanding about each other’s space.

I’m 32 and have no friends. I don’t think it’s me, I always put effort in and it’s never reciprocated. I seem to attract people that are flaky/end up generally unpleasant as well. I’ve asked people I know well what is wrong with me and no one can see anything that would put friends off, the only thing I can think of it I refuse to be any kind of fake. I won’t be 2 faced or fake nice to anyone (no I’m not horrible to people but neutral/civil is fine, there’s no need to be fake!) and fakeness put me off people.

Not helped by the fact I live in a town who’s main demographic is 20-30 years older than me, and I’m childfree, so there’s not much opportunity for meeting people

Okay so maybe it is me - or rather my choices!

Also friendships are subjective. What I consider are qualities I would want from a friend and vice versa, you may not.
I personally really appreciate my own space and can happily go for a coffee / watch a film by myself- I know of people / old friends who could never even dream of this and think I'm odd to did this. I in turn draw back at the pack mentality of some friendship groups and quickly draw back as that is too overwhelming for me . I'm also straight to the point with those I do consider good friends and expect the same back (not loose friendships). For a period of about 5 years I seemed to lose a friend each year, either fall out or drawing away. I'm quite happy now with text / phone call and the occasional visit from a couple of friends who now live in a different city. But that is catch up for a walk/talk. They don't get upset if I don't want to dress up and go out. They do that with other friends. I can cope with that.

Depends how old you are. A teenager.. probably not met your tribe. In your 40s... it is you.

I disagree (and think the comment is quite rude actually). If anything I would say the other way around. It's much easier to make friends in your teens, they cling together for acceptance, spend loads of time with peers. In your 40s, particularly if you've moved around a bit, it can be very difficult to be in situations to naturally make friends.

For me, I think its a combination of things - I didn't have many friends at school, but had a great social group at uni. But since then (and we all went our separate ways) I don't have any. Maybe if I didn't have a very full on job, and lived somewhere with more academic STEM women I would, but who knows.
I'm not on the spectrum, don't have ADHD etc. But since my parents died last year and all the family I have is DH and DS, I do feel so terribly alone

[quote PreparationPreparationPrep]@ThePearSquare
You could be my twin - both your posts but especially your 2nd. As soon as someone tells me I'm a good friend or we have a lot in common or words to that effect I draw back. I think I've been burnt a few times in my 30,S so now a bit defensive.

I do think being a good friend is something we should teach our children. I was never taught this or boundaries so really didn't know more than surface level of how to be or what to expect from Good friendships. I have learnt very late in life but still try and teach my children how to maintain good friendships. adult friendships Seem to be hard work especially when the ups and downs of day to day life take over. [/quote]
Yes, exactly that. I’m only in my 30s but all of my life I’ve been a giver. I’m one of those give away my last rolo people, and sadly I’ve been ditched, betrayed and forgotten about.
You’re absolutely right about getting too close to people and the reason I draw back is the fear of being hurt and looking stupid, again.
Some examples are my very best friend from pre-school who i travelled all through school with. We went on holidays together, and shared everything. She betrayed my trust by shacking up with, and getting regnant by my physically and verbally abusive ex less than 4 months after I broke up with him. She’d even helped me to move house and listened whilst I cried about how low I was. She cut me out of her life and so did almost everybody else from that period of my life, I totally started over friendship-wise.
Another is that I only have superficial contact with 2 out of my 4 bridesmaids thanks to me moving away from the place I then lived after a loss. There is a lot of ‘miss you’s over SM but they don’t and really, I’m not sure I do. I wouldn’t mind but I’ve only been married 7 years and one of them now lives around the corner from my parents who are around 20 mins away.
Finally, my oldest friendship now is with a girl who borrowed money off me a year ago when she told me she was penniless and pregnant, and now that I’m in a hard situation and could do with it back has no intention to pay me.
I could go on and on but I won’t as it’s pointless, I’m a bit jaded and don’t want to be taken for a fool again, it’s sad but I don’t want to waste my energy somewhere it’s not wanted.