If you have no friends…

[PegorySpeck]

Do you think there is something wrong with you, or you just haven’t met your tribe yet?

I have no current friends at all. I have great friends from over the years but after years of moving around I've found myself in a tiny village in rural Germany and I just cannot make friends. The nature of my work, teaching, means that I am outgoing and get on with everyone but I have little colleague interaction. I have even had good social groups in German cities but this village business is a dead end.

I'm just the wierd outsider! I go days without speaking to anyone even though I always smile and say hello. DC's friend's mums... there's nothing wrong with them, I like them fine but they moan a lot and never want to go swimming or walking or meet for cinema or drinks. Its really competitive misery with some of them. No jokes, just talking about the grind, work, housework, covid. They don't like clothes/ makeup or animals or sports, which I think are pretty neutral topics. I mean, I'm open to most things so I'd happily get involved with a book club or local history or taxidermy, whatever. I've never had this before in my life. And before anyone jumps in, I speak the language fluently!

I have decided to come to terms with it and not beat myself up. Remain realistic but hopeful and open on the off chance I meet someone.

I’m wondering if there are any ways to make friends online- (not Facebook)
I don’t think my issue is that I’m introvert or too quiet, I just can’t tolerate certain things like people who just can’t be bothered to respond to a simple text message, or just talk about themselves all the time, or pretend to be something they’re not. I just wish I could meet people who weren’t totally self obsessed or ‘too busy’ to give a few minutes of their time.

I’m sure there are loads of people who aren’t shallow, selfish and totally crap but I just haven’t met any.

You can make friends online.

I met 4 women through mumsnet 15 years ago, met in London and again in the north of England. We have not met again but we are still in touch from time. They are great.

I also have a little group that was a spin off of the OLD threads, we have so many things in common apart of our perennial singledom, it has been easy to find a common ground and grow a friendship. Some of us have met with others in the group, I asume we will never have a full get together as some of them are not in the UK but, they have been the source of much support, fun and jokes, it has been great to have them around.

I have made a handful of very good friends in OLD. You know those that do not click even when you have so much in common? Great long term friends (plain friends, no benefits, obviously) we are still cheering each other if it looks like we have, finally, found the “one”

And also, old friends resurfacing in Facebook. You may have not had much in common before but you may have now. I have got much closer to those who share my current circumstances or interests

@DaisyNGO

Groliffe, the times in my life that have felt awful are the times it felt Iike nothing would change, I hate that feeling.

But with changes that happen naturally - changes at work or you change job, neighbours change, I've met people through stuff like that.

Those changes have happened. I've moved house (twice), changed jobs, new neighbors have moved in, I've had a child. None of it has changed anything.

I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. Never did in school either.

I wish there was an online friend-matching service for shy/ awkward people..... like a dating agency, but to make friends. Just from reading this thread, there are so many of us in the same position, but we just can't find each other.

There is one. Bumble has two sites, one is OLD, the other one is for friendships.
You can also download the MeetUp app or try to join some hobby groups like walkers groups or Coach to 5k, etc.

It can be really lonely can’t it. I often check my mobile bill and I barely use any minutes of texts. I’d love to have some people to connect with.

I'm in my late 30s and don't really have any friends. It is probably me, I'm fairly sure that I'm socially awkward, extremely boring and probably a bit selfish. I struggle with a lot of social norms. But I'm never unkind, or judgmental,I'm a good listener, I'm very loyal. So who knows.

I had lots of friends in my teens and early 20s, but they either dropped me, or they were toxic.

I have known lots of very popular people who may be fun and interesting but also horrible people. Racists, women who slept with friends boyfriends, women who spend most of their time slagging other people off, complete liars, men who cheat on and even abuse their girlfriends, yet they were social butterfly's.

I don't get humans sometimes 🤷‍♀️

This thread is a few weeks old I know, but I came across it while doing a search on friendships. In my case I think it's a combination of things. I moved around so much throughout my life that it was very hard to maintain steady friendships. My whole family have dealt with the same thing.

I have also had bad luck with the friendships I've had. I've had to lay down boundaries because I have always been the type of friend who people come to in a crisis but it's almost always one way. My so called best friend of many years announced last year that she "didn't need me anymore" after I was going through some difficult times. I find it hard to trust people after being stabbed in the back so many times. I also suspect I have ADHD/Autism but have not been accessed yet

It's a personal choice. I prefer my own company.

I think there is something wrong with me too. I don’t enjoy heavy full on friendships but it’s hard to get to know people and build a real friendship if you always treat them like an acquaintance. So many friendships are easily built in school or uno but beyond that it can be hard.

@DaisyNGO

someone mentioned people being jealous

I have had some nice stuff happen and feel like one close friend in particular is jealous and it's caused a rift between us. But that's just life.

I don't know if there's an age, but before 40, I thought friends were hugely important. Then a lot of people left the area (I'm in London and wanting to leave too) and they are too far for friendships to continue in a meaningful way.

the thought of having to go through it all again....

Also I think social media is a bit of an issue. I am a very private person and some friends like to plaster their drama all over social media and then get annoyed if I've not seen it. Which I haven't, because I muted them because I was tired of every post being some sort of drama.....

I'm not going to try and make new friends till I have relocated. I will be about 2 hours away from my current place so it feels pointless. I am also an introvert but used to really enjoy the daily messaging with friends, that's now gone. I was actually wondering to what extent it's been replaced by social media, MN, Reddit etc.

This resonates so much. If those friends wanted you to know something, why not call you up and have a chat about? That's meaningful connection. A post in social media isn't meaningful, isn't necessarily seen and is a very lazy way to communicate. So many friendships only exist online now and I don't see the point in it.

@Gonnagetgoing I would give them a chance. Since they're actively trying to connect with you, firstly it shows they're willing to make an effort and actually want friends, secondly they've picked you out of a whole bunch of people they know so hopefully even more chance of them continuing to make a effort, if they like you enough to want to reconnect. If you want friends too, it's got to be worth a try. But I'd consider where your boundaries are in advance, so you can be ready to say No to anything that would make your heart sink. Having friendships which are totally on someone else's terms is hard work. If you're clear in your own mind what does/doesn't work for you, you won't get accidentally sucked into situations you don't want to be in.

I've got friends, possibly! I've let them slide over the past couple of years because I've been going through a difficult time personally. I'm considering whether to attempt to reconnect with some of them now. We were never close and hadn't known each other long because I'd recently moved, but I liked them as people.

I have no friends locally, I'm shy and don't have the money to join a club of somewhere I can meet people. I have friends at my home town and when we sell where we are now I'll be able to buy a house outright, it's just convincing DH that we need to move there. Otherwise we'll end up living hundreds of miles apart.

Sorry just realized I didn't answer the question OP! It's choice why I've been off the radar. I had a lot going on and the pandemic made everything feel pointless. So I chose to let things go and if the friendships don't recover that's fine. I have no problems making friends and I enjoy solo persuits anyway. I want friends but I don't need them, so I live my life to suit me, friends come and go from my life, some friendship lasts years some is only connected to a shared situation and ends when the situation changes. It doesn't matter

Oh! My first post didn't work. It was to @BurntO I agree with you about school and university friends, I've been off the radar with mine for a while due to the pandemic and other things. I don't think it's possible to keep every friendship going forever and not always a good idea anyway, we can change so much when we're young and end up not right for each other any more. It's definitely harder to make friends outside of that environment though. I wonder how much the pandemic has changed people's priorities too?

How does it get better though? I mean friends aren't going to drop into my lap, I presumably have to do something, but what?

Though it's impossible at the moment anyway, my life is work, look after DS and do housework and essentials stuff, sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat...

@GroliffetheDragon you need to put yourself out there intothe world. That's what I do anyway if want more friends. It's like with romance you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. With friends you have to have a lot of conversation that doesn't go anywhere or the people turn out to be not quite right for you/you life stage. Meeting people and chatting is the start of it though. I realise you can't get more hours out of a day, but is there anywhere you can go with DS that brings you into contact with other people?

My older sister (40) doesn't have any friends, and hasn't really since she was in her early teens. She has a few "friendly acquaintances" from work or online, but she'd never meet up with any of them socially.

She doesn't seem in the least bit bothered though!

@sophiasnail

I wish there was an online friend-matching service for shy/ awkward people..... like a dating agency, but to make friends. Just from reading this thread, there are so many of us in the same position, but we just can't find each other.

I think this is a really good idea, especially if they matched in groups. So match 4 people they think would work well together because two might be a bit awkward for some.

Yes def not easy. I had a good link with school mums but we all working now. I do alot alone dog walk beach etc but I think I prefer my own company ha. Some friends dont drive so that can be hard as regards meetups.

I am autistic and don't have any friends. It's not through the lack of trying, though. I guess I'm just not likeable.

I don't think I'd care to much for people who didn't want to be my friend because there is something wrong with me. It's a shitty way of thinking about it. Everyone as their flaws etc.
However, due to my personality I don't need to be around people all the time, I like them and enjoy getting to know them, but I do really like my space and my own company. Throw in the fact that I'm more than happy to do things on my own (sometimes actually prefer this) I find it hard to put in the work to maintain a friendship. But I'm ok with this for the above reasons.
I do like to keep in touch and make a bit of an effort though.
As for not finding my tribe, I don't think I ave one, If I see the herd moving one way, I actively go the other way. If most people think and do XYZ I always ask why? and usually explore ABC.
I am a bit of a freak of nature like that.
On the whole though I have never had anyone take any great exception to the way I am, people I know accept me which is always a good starting point I suppose.

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant

I am autistic and don't have any friends. It's not through the lack of trying, though. I guess I'm just not likeable.

Everyone has likeable qualities, the people you've met just haven't seen those qualities yet.

Don't be to hard on yourself, we can be our own worst critics sometimes.

Thank you, @IloveRitaConnors. That is a very kind thing to say and I appreciate it.

My very good friend sadly died a couple of years ago and even though I have work friends and old friends who I’m still in touch with on Fb, I’m just not that bothered about connecting and actually going out anywhere.

I currently work full time, DS is hard work atm, weekends are busy around the house, occasionally catching up with DM and PIL, so making an effort with friends just doesn’t enter my radar.

I admit, I quite like my own company and don’t feel the need to be surrounded by people all the time. It could also be a bit of grief still though for the friend I lost, miss her dreadfully.

I go out with DH and DS, it’s not as if I’m a hermit, so in my case it’s me, I can tend to find some friendships exhausting (past experiences).

Its me,partly, have adhd
I have had my fingers burnt many times and have pretty much given up. Although I was thinking how nice it would be to have a friend to see weekly