If you have no friends…

[PegorySpeck]

Do you think there is something wrong with you, or you just haven’t met your tribe yet?

I exhibit 90% of the NHS list of signs of autism in adults. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s definitely me. I do try, and I do have acquaintances, but not ‘friends’.

I’m 37 and would say I have two real friends. I used to have a larger group of ‘friends’ but found it all very cliquey, lots of ‘out with the girls’ Instagram shit and when it came to it and people were really in need they didn’t want to know, they just moved onto the next Instagram worthy group.

So I just quietly removed myself from the group in favour of a couple of true friends. I would be there for them through everything, and vice versa. One lives a long distance away, and the other has a young baby so for various reasons we don’t see each other constantly. I suffer with bouts of severe anxiety so this suits me as we’re in almost constant contact through other means (mostly WhatsApp). This is 100% my choice and I’m happy with it.

DP has a small group of friends spread across the country, mostly ex armed forces friends and those from his home town. He’s painfully shy, and has said that since leaving the forces he’s not found that any other friendship compares to those so he hasn’t really bothered. I think in mumsnet terms this is a huge red flag. But we’re quite happy being quiet little hermits together

@GoodbyeOldFriend Oooh. Bless you.

I can relate to that. Similar thing happened to me and I got quite put off having close friends because of it too.

However in all honesty for me that event seemed to coincide with me becoming quite lazy with regards to meeting any new people. I think it was my choice to drop right off the radar afterwards.

I always struggled in groups as a child but adored my one or two friends growing up and still in touch on FB but only FB now as were so far apart geographically.

Now early forties, married, 3DC and about 7 house moves later, I've given up. Everytime I made a friend, I then lost them because of moving so far away. I'm past the baby group stage which made me some friends initially, but now we're past that stage and my youngest (age 8) is disabled so I'm now pretty isolated. I think after all these years I have ADHD (inattentive) which explains so much but I feel, being a carer for my child, the odds seem to be against me now making friends.

My husband is the same, he still has his best friends from primary and he seems to go above and beyond in our community to be liked. It pains him to think he’s not thought of as Mr Nice.
I don’t have the time or energy for that shit, if they don’t like me that’s no skin off my nose.
Maybe that’s where my fault is, do I need to push myself, but I just can’t do fake.

What I do know is that I would be a good friend if anyone got close enough, I’m a very loyal person

I dumped a large group of people I met after 40. None of them were worthy of my time or my family time. The older I get the less tolerant I get. So it is me but I am very happy this way. I never knew people could be so jealous and nasty.

[quote Laiste]**@GoodbyeOldFriend Oooh. Bless you.

I can relate to that. Similar thing happened to me and I got quite put off having close friends because of it too.

However in all honesty for me that event seemed to coincide with me becoming quite lazy with regards to meeting any new people. I think it was my choice to drop right off the radar afterwards.[/quote]
It’s been awful. I can’t let myself be in a position where it could potentially happen again. But then I am 40 now and whilst I do still have young children, I highly doubt I’ll make another friendship like it.

I don't have no friends but I pick and choose carefully who is in my life now.

I have also lost a few friends due to arguments but sometimes I do think their loss.

@Mymapuddlington

Something wrong with me.

I’m autistic.
I’m introverted.
I like old fashioned things.

I’m friends with my neighbour, we get on really well but sometimes she shakes her head at me and tells me I’m really weird I’ve never been able to fit in and doubt I ever will.

I think this is a classic haven't found that friend or tribe yet. Nothing wrong with you. It just takes longer if you are introverted but some people as you describe yourself strike lucky and find them just by being in The right situation at the right time. It doesn't mean it's you. you may never find your tribe but one day you might. As for Your neighbour you could try and say to her that her comments are hurtful to you. That's If it is. It's not nice I know but Sometimes being so quiet people think they can say anything to you.

@GoodbyeOldFriend

Skimming the thread it seems 40+ is an age mentioned a lot. I think it seems many of us here can make friends but can't be bothered anymore and/or have been burned which has put us off even more.

In all honesty you probably wont have another intense friendship like that again. I've had 3 of those types of friendship which have failed. They overlapped a little bit but it was all before i was 40 ish.

• First was a friend from primary school. Very intense and it took 35 years to die a slow painful death. Drifted apart in miles and in life stages and tbh it was me who did the last bit of detaching.
• Second was a friend from my first job at 16. Loved that friend. I moved an hour away and it survived that, but then she moved to America when we were mid 30s and it didn't survive that :(
• Third was like yours GoodbyeOldFriend. It wasn't me! :(

I couldn't handle another big intense friendship. I think it's an age thing. A certain stage of life for friendships like that. If you have one and keep it going then that's different i guess and you're lucky. But we change. Can't be doing with the effort to start one up again. It's why i say you probably wont have another friendship lie that again. Unless you really seek one out obvs :) But it's ok

Neither?

I was popular at school and kept a close group of friends through early adulthood but in recent years I've deliberately let myself drift out of contact with them because we were all quite different aside from the fact that we grew up together. They were grating on me tbh.

Having said that, I've not much interest in being friends with people with similar interests either. So I don't think I want or need to "find my tribe".

I don't really like people. I don't think that's something wrong with me though. Just the way I am. If anything I'm glad I've made peace with it as I've matured and stopped worrying about it like I did when I was younger.

[quote Laiste]**@GoodbyeOldFriend

Skimming the thread it seems 40+ is an age mentioned a lot. I think it seems many of us here can make friends but can't be bothered anymore and/or have been burned which has put us off even more.

In all honesty you probably wont have another intense friendship like that again. I've had 3 of those types of friendship which have failed. They overlapped a little bit but it was all before i was 40 ish.

• First was a friend from primary school. Very intense and it took 35 years to die a slow painful death. Drifted apart in miles and in life stages and tbh it was me who did the last bit of detaching.
• Second was a friend from my first job at 16. Loved that friend. I moved an hour away and it survived that, but then she moved to America when we were mid 30s and it didn't survive that :(
• Third was like yours GoodbyeOldFriend. It wasn't me! :(

I couldn't handle another big intense friendship. I think it's an age thing. A certain stage of life for friendships like that. If you have one and keep it going then that's different i guess and you're lucky. But we change. Can't be doing with the effort to start one up again. It's why i say you probably wont have another friendship lie that again. Unless you really seek one out obvs :) But it's ok [/quote]
Actually you're probably right.

I had a best friend from 5 who I had up until I was 25, we then fell out majorly and reconnected in our 40s but it's not the same now. Distance doesn't help. We also had a mutual best friend from when we were 13 and I fell out with her in my 40s - she was quite a drama queen though and to be honest I don't miss the dramas and egocentric behaviour.

The one proper best friend I made in my mid 20s was great fun but had issues with mental health and alcoholism and sadly took her own life in her early 30s. She really was one of my best friends though and is sadly missed. We'd be best friends now if she was still alive.

Bit of both.
I work ridiculously long unsociable hours so too exhausted for family let alone friends.i also work with much younger people mostly men so when a new middle aged lady started we hit it off as we could relate to each other.
I do have hideous bouts of anxiety which makes me unreliable for meeting for coffee etc so I prefer lone pursuits, gardening,baking,social media,photography.
Also people have let me down so I find people quite draining and don't understand social ettiqute. Perhaps I'm autistic.

I think it must be me but I’m not sure why…! My OH has a massive circle of friends whereas I just don’t. I get on with all of his friends and make small talk with people in the gym etc but just can’t convert it into meaningful friendships.

I often find myself pushed out the circle in a group conversation / sitting on a long table I’ll be out blocked out of the conversations by the people I’m next too. Even my OH does it - we were out with another couple and three of them walked ahead and I was left trailing behind, totally blocked out the conversation

Some people have loads and loads of very superficial 'friendships' or are very loud and/or charismatic and people seem to be drawn to them whether they're nice or not.

Absolutely- it's no measure of how good or nice a person you are as some PPs implied. People will always be drawn to the most extroverted or popular person in the room. Doesn't mean they're a good person.

Just think back to school. The kids with the most friends aren't always the nicest and realistically, social dynamics don't change that much into adulthood.

Good point well made @ra

Just a comment here - I've had 2 friends from primary school years, well one was more an acquaintance really as in year above me - both want to try to see me more as a friend recently.

One of them we played together but sometimes she could be not nice. She has acknowledged this and apologised for this - but she wasn't that bad, it was just spats really.

Anyway, what would others do here? Meet up and see what happens or not bother?

Oops

[quote Laiste]**@GoodbyeOldFriend

Skimming the thread it seems 40+ is an age mentioned a lot. I think it seems many of us here can make friends but can't be bothered anymore and/or have been burned which has put us off even more.

In all honesty you probably wont have another intense friendship like that again. I've had 3 of those types of friendship which have failed. They overlapped a little bit but it was all before i was 40 ish.

• First was a friend from primary school. Very intense and it took 35 years to die a slow painful death. Drifted apart in miles and in life stages and tbh it was me who did the last bit of detaching.
• Second was a friend from my first job at 16. Loved that friend. I moved an hour away and it survived that, but then she moved to America when we were mid 30s and it didn't survive that :(
• Third was like yours GoodbyeOldFriend. It wasn't me! :(

I couldn't handle another big intense friendship. I think it's an age thing. A certain stage of life for friendships like that. If you have one and keep it going then that's different i guess and you're lucky. But we change. Can't be doing with the effort to start one up again. It's why i say you probably wont have another friendship lie that again. Unless you really seek one out obvs :) But it's ok [/quote]
I dont think I could handle another intense friendship like it. I don’t think I’ve got the heart for it. But some of what you’ve said has resonated, so, thank you for that 💐

I do have a couple of close friends and quite a lot of friendly acquaintances but it is an area where it’s been a struggle and it is definitely down to me.

I’m friendly, warm, approachable and am good at putting people at ease, but only in short bursts of time if that makes sense - I suspect I have ADHD (tick most of the boxes and am considering pursuing diagnosis) and I struggle with the attention and effort that’s needed for keeping a decent friendship going. I know I can be quite intense at times too - especially when discussing something that interests me - I’m not brilliant with small talk, I like conversation to have purpose - I don’t doubt this annoys people. I’m also quite introverted and very happy by myself.

I’m nearly 40 and very comfortable with myself these days, but I’ve been very self critical in the past. I have no friends from school or uni - interestingly I tried much harder to fit in back then. I know the friends who have stuck with me like me regardless of my quirks, which is quite nice really.

I do miss having people to go out with.
But looking back the friends I had I couldn't confide in them.
They where fine for going out but I don't feel like I could trust them.

And it was always me asking them and making arrangements.
So I stopped and they haven't bothered since.
I don't think I have the heart to be let down again.

someone mentioned people being jealous

I have had some nice stuff happen and feel like one close friend in particular is jealous and it's caused a rift between us. But that's just life.

I don't know if there's an age, but before 40, I thought friends were hugely important. Then a lot of people left the area (I'm in London and wanting to leave too) and they are too far for friendships to continue in a meaningful way.

the thought of having to go through it all again....

Also I think social media is a bit of an issue. I am a very private person and some friends like to plaster their drama all over social media and then get annoyed if I've not seen it. Which I haven't, because I muted them because I was tired of every post being some sort of drama.....

I'm not going to try and make new friends till I have relocated. I will be about 2 hours away from my current place so it feels pointless. I am also an introvert but used to really enjoy the daily messaging with friends, that's now gone. I was actually wondering to what extent it's been replaced by social media, MN, Reddit etc.

This thread is interesting! Bumping for more.

@namechanging564

Depends how old you are. A teenager.. probably not met your tribe. In your 40s... it is you.

I disagree (and think the comment is quite rude actually). If anything I would say the other way around. It's much easier to make friends in your teens, they cling together for acceptance, spend loads of time with peers. In your 40s, particularly if you've moved around a bit, it can be very difficult to be in situations to naturally make friends.

This 👆 is absolutely right. It’s sad that even this thread has attracted the judgey MNs 😔