to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

I do think 2 years after the death of your partner (presumably the relationship was happy) is quite quick to get over it and move in with another woman. My Great Grandfather did this because he couldn't face bringing up his kids on his own. His actions had a lasting effect and my Grandmother still talks about her mum being so easily replaced. I think the onus was on the DH here to maintain the relationships and he failed and OP needs to recognise this - him asking her to "host" a small get together is neither here nor there compared with his other failings as a parent.

Whilst its incredible tragic to lose an adult child, its tragic to lose a parent as a small child and then have grandparents make your life more difficult than it needed to be through putting their feelings as adults before those of a child. For so many years, a year or two but 6

[quote stepmoa]@SuperCaliFragalistic it's about my feelings now because I have a right to choose how I want to spend my time. I don't know what it feels like to lose a child but I have sat and cuddled DSD when her weekend with her grandparents has been cancelled because they refuse to meet me in a service station car park when DH couldn't go. So yeah, I don't have much time for anyone who would do that to a child.[/quote]
How unbelievably cruel and quite frankly unforgivable.That poor little girl. I don't understand how anyone could do that to a child either.

Yes they lost a daughter, but their daughter's child lost her mum FGS. They should have put her first.

I think in your shoes I'd feel the same.

I do think 2 years after the death of your partner (presumably the relationship was happy) is quite quick to get over it and move in with another woman

its incredibly common for.a male to do this and the average is a shorter span of time than for a woman who takes 3-5 years

Has this thread been helpful, OP?

I would never, in a million years, start a thread on here about something I felt genuinely upset about, because I know the many inevitable posts telling me I’m being unreasonable, would make me feel so much worse. Hurt, unheard, defensive. Set back in my processing of it.

Perhaps it has been helpful for you, though. I hope so.

I cannot even begin to imagine losing my DD as a young mother, and seeing my grandchild being raised by someone else - and I do see myself as an empathetic, considerate person.

Some things are just inconceivable, though.

I think what you’ve done for your DSD is quite remarkable, for what it’s worth.

I'm just thinking about your dsd's dm's POV. If something happened to me and my dh remarried, and my dp's let their emotions around that woman stand in the way of their relationship with my dc I'd be so disappointed in them.

Or maybe you'd be disappointed that your "D"H found you so easily replaceable? I agree the grandparents haven't helped anything though.

@Thatsplentyjack

*What, even when the DH was off travelling for business?

Stop being simplistic.*

Yes, there's these things called mobile phones, laptops and even before that landlines that people use to contact other people. There no need to do it in person anymore, but then you must know that as you're obviously using one of these devices at the moment. Your actually contacting a stranger on one , and I'm simplistic.

You have no idea how OP and her DH organised their lives.

In any case, it’s not OP’s fault, all she was trying to so was arrange for her DSD to see her family.

So yes, you are being simplistic.

All this chat about grief is a red herring in my book.

Whatever the reason for the past estrangement, this ‘hosting them’ proposal is the wrong way to solve it.

It just seems to break some key human dynamic observances- love it or hate it we do have good instincts for what is a good or bad way to do things in our own culture.

Them coming to you is precedent setting, and it’s not a great precedent. It smacks of a ‘royal visit’ where the important people deign to allow you to do the hard work (emotionally and practically). It creates a scenario that puts them in the judges seat (again) and OP as someone to be judged worthy of being grudgingly accepted into the family. Not to mention that the aunt and uncle went through the DH again to organise this meetup- the exact behaviour that was problematic and hurtful in the beginning and for years. It’s really just a continuation of the disregard of OP by them. And evidence that her DH still doesn’t get it.

All that would definitely put me off the encounter. Perpetuating that dynamic into the future does DSD no favours.

Had they reached out personally to OP and DSD, suggested regret (if not a full-blown apology) and shown some goodwill by inviting everyone to theirs (as family does) then that would be a different story.

This current proposal is all kinds of wrong. I’d treat it with the disdain it was offered in. I’d tell DH that he’d got it all backwards, and needed to think more carefully about a new proposal having discussed it with DSD and OP rather than barrelling over everyone’s legitimate feelings. If he cares at all about building relationships then he has to base his actions on relationships, and not half-baked bright ideas that could easily make things worse.

If I was to die leaving a daughter motherless and my parents wouldn't see my daughter du to a nw girlfriend dropping her off at a service station - id be dissapointed in my parents attitude

You clearly really love your dsd and your anger with her relatives is on her behalf. I would try to get through this social occasion for her sake. Light and breezy and show her that adults can move past poor behaviour and rebuild relationships. Everyone will feel weird and nervous so just do your best to show dsd what is possible.

You have no idea how OP and her DH organised their lives.

Organise their lives? It's sending a message, it's not difficult. It can be done from most places on the planet.

@Thatsplentyjack

*Clearly not, as you would have seen my comment was in response to a poster asking why OP is dragging her feet about meeting an aunt and uncle who were cruel enough to cancel days out with their niece simply because OP would be the one doing the 2 minute drop off.

Nowhere did I say the DSD isn’t bothered about seeing her grandparents*

Now who isn't reading the OPs posts. It was the grandparents cancelling, not the aunt and uncle.

The aunt and uncle also cancelled a visit at the behest of the grandparents.

Sorry I missed a lot of comments.

I don't think DH has always got it wrong for what's it worth, he's done his best at the time and I should clarify he's minimised HIS contact with the GPs not DSD's time with them. They haven't been limited to occasional visits on our terms with a service station handover, to DH's (dis)credit he pretty much lets them call the shots with everything.

To a PP, yes it has made me feel better because it's clearly a divisive and contentious issue. Hypothetically I'd be devastated if I was dead and gone and my family behaved like this towards my children and DH. To the kind posters who gave said lovely things about my relationship with DSD I am very grateful. I haven't jumped in to replace her Mum at all, she's part of the parcel with DH but I love her independently. I'm really proud of her and I hope she knows that I will always be there for her.

Just let the past go and embrace them. This will be a positive new start for all of you. It's very positive. Don't put up barriers now.

I wouldn't say active hostility but I would email them about school events and they would only ever forward my email to DH and reply to him, that kind of thing. Why on earth did you do that? My stepsons mother is alive but chooses to only see him once a month or so. He lives with us. My stepsons dad informs his parents of anything school related he'd like them to know.

You choosing to do that makes it almost seem like you were running it in their faces or something. Very strange behaviour.

@MadameMonk

All this chat about grief is a red herring in my book.

Whatever the reason for the past estrangement, this ‘hosting them’ proposal is the wrong way to solve it.

It just seems to break some key human dynamic observances- love it or hate it we do have good instincts for what is a good or bad way to do things in our own culture.

Them coming to you is precedent setting, and it’s not a great precedent. It smacks of a ‘royal visit’ where the important people deign to allow you to do the hard work (emotionally and practically). It creates a scenario that puts them in the judges seat (again) and OP as someone to be judged worthy of being grudgingly accepted into the family. Not to mention that the aunt and uncle went through the DH again to organise this meetup- the exact behaviour that was problematic and hurtful in the beginning and for years. It’s really just a continuation of the disregard of OP by them. And evidence that her DH still doesn’t get it.

All that would definitely put me off the encounter. Perpetuating that dynamic into the future does DSD no favours.

Had they reached out personally to OP and DSD, suggested regret (if not a full-blown apology) and shown some goodwill by inviting everyone to theirs (as family does) then that would be a different story.

This current proposal is all kinds of wrong. I’d treat it with the disdain it was offered in. I’d tell DH that he’d got it all backwards, and needed to think more carefully about a new proposal having discussed it with DSD and OP rather than barrelling over everyone’s legitimate feelings. If he cares at all about building relationships then he has to base his actions on relationships, and not half-baked bright ideas that could easily make things worse.

Very well said

@Thatsplentyjack

*Have you every been in DSDs shoes? I was.

People who were unkind to my stepmother, the woman who raised me, are not part of my life*

Have you ever lost a child and then had your grandchild kept from you because her dad like to keep contact to a minimum and if you did get to see her you were do meet at a service station to collect her?

You’ve made all that up

@Thatsplentyjack

*Have you every been in DSDs shoes? I was.

People who were unkind to my stepmother, the woman who raised me, are not part of my life*

Have you ever lost a child and then had your grandchild kept from you because her dad like to keep contact to a minimum and if you did get to see her you were do meet at a service station to collect her?

Have you?

Children shouldn’t be the adults in those situations, but they often are.

Children are too busy comforting everyone around them that they grow up over night. People think ‘children are resilient, they get over it’. Then, when they present as though they do, they are berated for not grieving forever.

These grandparents let their daughter And granddaughter down.

She is the biggest loser.

If her visits were anything like mine she’d come home a mess for not performance grieving properly for relatives.

My father never kept me from them, my stepmother begged them to see me. I wish they’d kept me further from them.

Their performance grief damaged me even more.

The many comments about OP "replacing" the dead wife or "stepping into her shoes" and the DH "moving on" shock me. For people who are widowed it is not like that. You never stop loving the dead partner but may go on to love another in the future. It is
not a "replacement" situation.
When I was widowed with 3 small children my in-laws were generous and kind enough to understand and remain warm-hearted and helpful towards myself, their grandchildren, my second husband and his daughter. Rather than dwelling on the loss, which we all felt very deeply, they sought joy in the children and did everything they could to make their lives happy. My children could not have had more caring grandparents. Your DSD's grandparents and aunt & uncle were grief-stricken and unfortunately have allowed grief to override giving your DSD the proper love and attention she needed from them in the sad circumstances. This is very sad for them and it may have helped them in their grief to put her needs first. It's a bit late now, they can't relive all her formative years and so much time has elapsed. I would just make the best of it and be guided by DSDs wishes. I agree that neutral ground would be easier for everyone for that first meeting.

@Lunaduckdrop you all sound like a very well adjusted family and very lucky

Painful all round for so many.

Man, I hope I don’t die prematurely.

They lost their child, please have empathy. Unless you have ever been in that position you can't possibly judge.

Your DH has been able to move on. It's not the same for a spouse. My ex sil was remarried within 3 years but having seen my mother lose my brother, it's a life sentence. A weight to have to carry daily. It shortened her own life considerably.

Extend the olive branch.

YABU. You married a widower with a child. You agree that it's in the child's best interest to maintain a relationship with her mother's family. You were upset - understandably - when that family didn't initially want a relationship with the woman who had effectively replaced their deceased daughter. And now you're upset that they do want a relationship with you. Yes, it would probably have been better for DD if they'd done this years ago rather than now. But no one can change the past, and you seem to think that because they didn't do it on your preferred timetable, it's now wrong for them to ever do it. That's totally unreasonable, and unfair to everyone.

As for who does what hosting duties, that's for you to sort out with DH. Any resentment you feel on that score isn't the fault of whomever's visiting.

I think that both side have been justified in how they felt about the situation. You deserve to feel how you feel and how they excluded you. They are also allowed to have not been ready to have met you yet. It isn't personal as they don't know you.

It is probably taken some courage and emotion on their part to do this, please try and see it as the olive branch it probably is. They love DSD too just as you do and are probably doing it for her benefit... as are you.

If having them in your house feels too much, it is ok to say that you appreciate their effort in offering to come to you, but the first time you meet you'd prefer to go to a local park or cafe or wherever.

I didn't select a voting option because I felt both had merit. This probably isn't easy on anyone, you, DSD, DH or them.