Page 9 | To think she ought to have let me have it?

AngeloMysterioso · 2021-10-11T10:21:37+00:00

On my way home from town yesterday I popped into a charity shop for a browse and they had a lovely baby changing bag. I wanted to buy it but didn’t have the arm space for any more stuff and the woman who ran the shop said they couldn’t keep it for me, so I came back into town this morning to get it. The charity shop still has a --utterly daft-- one way system so it’s really cramped and today I had the pram. Ahead of me was a woman whose Mum (I presume) was standing next to the bags with a pram while she looked at other stuff. In front of them was someone in a wheelchair so I stood and waited until they could move so I could pick the bag up. The woman then walks back over to her Mum, spots the bag and picks it up. I said “Oh, I was going to get that, I’ve come back into town for it.” Now in her position, what I’d have done was said on, here you go, and handed it over. However she just shrugged and said “oh, sorry.” And took it. AIBU to think that’s a dick move and she should have let me have it?

Widgets · 11/10/2021 12:49

vivainsomnia · 11/10/2021 12:49

On a perfect idealistic world, you would both have discussed who had more of a need for the bag being totally honest, but as we live in the real world where people are struck for time and will lie to suit their wishes, it doesn't happen.

impossible · 11/10/2021 12:51

I suspect some people might have given the bag to the person who said they'd come back for it (me for one) but the person who picked it up was completely within their rights to buy it. It's not a case of who's most deserving, just who got there first.

godmum56 · 11/10/2021 12:51

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Nothing to add - I just really need to find out why the OP couldn't have put her other stuff in the bag! Was the other stuff a chicken, a fox and a bag of grain which you had to get across a river?

epic post and I love your username....are you an ocado shopper by any chance?

Nietzschethehiker · 11/10/2021 12:52

There is no point trying to argue with the OP but I'm bored and waiting for a call. I absolutely guarantee the justification is that she feels more in need of it. That other people should be "nice" because she has it much harder.

This isn't a nice v nasty attitude situation , this is weaponised rules compliance. Designed to appear to be the downtrodden when in fact its usually a very effective attention source and control tactic.

The theory being If you play by the imaginary rules and repeatedly claim to be extra polite and nice (e.g waiting your turn , strategic mentioning of the situation of the others in front of you such as her mum being older and the person in the wheelchair , I'm sure both of those are true but a genuinely decent person wouldn't have need to mention it ) then I am entitled to get what I want over other people by ignoring standard societal norms because I am such a wonderful person I should be repayed.

Often seen by people who claim to be the only nice person left in the world and prepared oh so often to be the last voice of decency , the person that thinks about everyone else before themselves blah blah. Trouble is if that was really true you would be considering that she may have needed it more and it was just unlucky she got there first.

But no , you are weaponising your belief that you are owed something for being nice. She followed the implied rule in every charity shop. You believe you are owed something so rather than accepting you lost out you are attempting to weapinise strategic need to target another. You've successfully dropped in the right trigger words. You've painted a picture of a busy harassed, short of money (but suitably not being showy about it in a feigned implication of embarrassement post about waiting for your child benefit). You are good ill give you that. Perfectly targeted for MN as you thought it hits the demographic right. You just forgot the irritation with entitlement on MN.

Stop trying to blame others on the perception that you deserve something more. Its not an equation....the more stacked against you equals the more people should let you get more than them.

And yes yes , I'm sure you shall question where specifically you have said any of that no doubt. Deep down you know it's true.

She did nothing wrong.

thecatsthecats · 11/10/2021 12:52

If you need child benefit to buy a second hand bag from a charity shop and are expecting another child, for your children's sake, please develop some better boundaries.

You probably do need the bag more than that woman, yet you say you'd have given it up? Well, does that apply to things you buy for your children? Will you be telling them to put back an item they like and got to first because another child wants it?

Either you won't, in which case welcome to being human, or you will, in which case I feel sorry for your kids.

Stoppochoco · 11/10/2021 12:53

@vivainsomnia

On a perfect idealistic world, you would both have discussed who had more of a need for the bag being totally honest, but as we live in the real world where people are struck for time and will lie to suit their wishes, it doesn't happen.

Wouldn't say that was some utopian vision, but fairly normal behaviour where I come from. Brief interaction to decide who needs it most. Its the attitude on here that's a bit weird and alien.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 12:53

I dunno she clearly wanted it as much as you so I am unsure why you feel entitled to it. Yes it would have been lovely for her to go without and give it to you but I really don’t think you wanting her to go without makes you a better person than her.

notacooldad · 11/10/2021 12:54

Op, please answer why you couldn't get it the day before. Its a bag, with a strap, the whole point of a bag. It would have helped with 'arm space' not hindered confused

She did, she was waiting for her benefit money to go in today

I'm confused I thought dhe didnt buy it because her arms were full🤔

Now in her position, what I’d have done was said on, here you go, and handed it over. However she just shrugged and said “oh, sorry.” And took it
I find that very strange.
I may have handed it over if I wasnt that fussed about the item but if it is something that I like is going to be of use to me and good value for the price they want ( my charity shop trinty) then no I wouldn't have handed over to you. I'm not anyone's mug.

Original poster

AngeloMysterioso · 11/10/2021 12:54

Again, very stereotypical attitude of those with an entitlement complex.

Please explain what qualifies you to diagnose anyone with an entitlement complex.

OP posts:

again2020 · 11/10/2021 12:54

I would have let you have it OP. But I hate confrontations with strangers and can be a pushover. This is not a good thing.

I think most people wouldn't let you have it in this situation, and they wouldn't be in the wrong.

Hope you find a better bag!

TheKeatingFive · 11/10/2021 12:54

The bag is gone OP. Time to move on with your life.

Skyeheather · 11/10/2021 12:56

Drop some hints to friends and relatives that you need a changing bag for the new baby, people never know what to buy for a 2nd baby, they'll be glad of an idea for something to buy - and you'll end up with a much nicer new one.

PhoboPhobia · 11/10/2021 12:57

@Mynameismargot

I probably l probably would have given it to you. Not because I'm super nice or anything but just because I hate awkward confrontations and I would have given it to you to try and prevent one.

Me too and then I would have been kicking myself for being a push over. OP what you deem as something that would have been a nice act may have ended up being something that someone else felt resentful about. I don't think she was being awful, just standing up for something she had a right to buy.

SylvanasWindrunner · 11/10/2021 12:58

Do you know, I probably would have handed it over and then spent the rest of the day berating myself for not being assertive and being a pushover about something I liked and had in my hands first. So fair play to her.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 12:58

@AngeloMysterioso

Again, very stereotypical attitude of those with an entitlement complex.

Please explain what qualifies you to diagnose anyone with an entitlement complex.

I’m not sure about that poster but generally acting entitled is a first sign..

I also don’t know why some folks are assuming the op needed it more than the other woman when they know nothing about the other woman.

Original poster

AngeloMysterioso · 11/10/2021 12:59

Good on her for not backing down, because many people would have felt guilty into handing the bag over. Learn some manners.

I’m one of those people. But then I was taught that that is good manners.

OP posts:

fumfspos · 11/10/2021 13:00

Honestly- because I needed to wait for my child benefit payment to come in today. Yesterday I didn’t have enough money left having already done the shopping when I went in. Which was why I asked if they could put it aside for me

So it was actually because you didn't have the money for it?
And you wanted a wee and had other heavy bags?
If you had really wanted it you would have found a way to buy it yesterday because you can't expect something to hang around long in a charity shop, especially if it's decent quality like that.

And then when you went back you waited behind the woman's Mum (very politely, yes) but sometimes it's ok to just say "Excuse me, I'd just like to get that back there as I saw it yesterday and came back to get it" before there was any chance of the woman (or anyone else who was in there at the time) taking it.

It is first-come-first-served I'm afraid - that's the way life is, whether you like it or not.
Lesson learned for the next time....

Furrybootsyecomfy · 11/10/2021 13:00

“Wouldn't say that was some utopian vision, but fairly normal behaviour where I come from. Brief interaction to decide who needs it most.
Its the attitude on here that's a bit weird and alien.”

It’s a changing bag in a charity shop, not the MacArthur Grant.

Original poster

AngeloMysterioso · 11/10/2021 13:00

@Nietzschethehiker

There is no point trying to argue with the OP but I'm bored and waiting for a call. I absolutely guarantee the justification is that she feels more in need of it. That other people should be "nice" because she has it much harder.

This isn't a nice v nasty attitude situation , this is weaponised rules compliance. Designed to appear to be the downtrodden when in fact its usually a very effective attention source and control tactic.

The theory being If you play by the imaginary rules and repeatedly claim to be extra polite and nice (e.g waiting your turn , strategic mentioning of the situation of the others in front of you such as her mum being older and the person in the wheelchair , I'm sure both of those are true but a genuinely decent person wouldn't have need to mention it ) then I am entitled to get what I want over other people by ignoring standard societal norms because I am such a wonderful person I should be repayed.

Often seen by people who claim to be the only nice person left in the world and prepared oh so often to be the last voice of decency , the person that thinks about everyone else before themselves blah blah. Trouble is if that was really true you would be considering that she may have needed it more and it was just unlucky she got there first.

But no , you are weaponising your belief that you are owed something for being nice. She followed the implied rule in every charity shop. You believe you are owed something so rather than accepting you lost out you are attempting to weapinise strategic need to target another. You've successfully dropped in the right trigger words. You've painted a picture of a busy harassed, short of money (but suitably not being showy about it in a feigned implication of embarrassement post about waiting for your child benefit). You are good ill give you that. Perfectly targeted for MN as you thought it hits the demographic right. You just forgot the irritation with entitlement on MN.

Stop trying to blame others on the perception that you deserve something more. Its not an equation....the more stacked against you equals the more people should let you get more than them.

And yes yes , I'm sure you shall question where specifically you have said any of that no doubt. Deep down you know it's true.

She did nothing wrong.

What… what the fuck?!

OP posts:

MrsRobbieHart · 11/10/2021 13:01

For your own sake OP, you need to draw a line under it and move on. You’re not doing your own stress levels any good being wound up over a bag. You have a baby due and should be conserving your energy for that.

TheWoleb · 11/10/2021 13:01

Well, thankfully, there is a whole new generation of women being taught that "be kind" is a load of bollocks and we need to stop being pushovers.

notacooldad · 11/10/2021 13:01

I cant believe all this fuss over a charity shop changing bag!
How much was it?
I've just seen a nice leather rucksack one for £3 and a Cath Kidson one for £5 on FB market place in my local area.

SoupDragon · 11/10/2021 13:02

You've no idea whether she needed it more than you though.

Unfortunately, that's how it goes with charity shops. It's pot luck.

WellLarDeDar · 11/10/2021 13:02

Yabu. Coming across very bratty and entitled.

It's a little bit funny but also just sad. I imagine you're a delight when you don't get your own way.